The road is darker in front of me and sometimes I feel myself growing comfortable in the darkness and at times giving up and befriending the darkness.

Maybe I've let my oil run dry?
Maybe I've hid my one talent too long and now I can't seem to find it.

Honestly I just want some temporary relief from the heartache that I feel. Nicotine, ***, drugs, alcohol.

I sometimes just want to feel numb and lay down forever.

Most days I feel so lonely
     Hide behind this mask like does anybody know me?
      Still dealing with the same stuff I dealt with when I was a kid
        Maybe I never grew up
Maybe I'm still a kid
       Maybe I'll never get over it.

Most days I just wanna lay in bed
      Close my eyes and forget about the world cause the world already closed their eyes and forgot about me.

I just feel like I could float away and die
Send me up to heaven with a message in a bottle saying " Return back to sender"
Or go down in hell and hang with some of the family.... probably shouldn't said that... oops my apologies.

In the next thirty years I hope I'm a little more secure in my finances and my mental health. I hope thirty years from now I'm not in this mental hell.

Maybe content with the things that didn't work out and who knows maybe I'll have time to work out
Finally forgive my dad for not coming round or we actually work it out

I hope thirty years from now I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin, be happy with who I am and who I'm not that would be an achievement.

Maybe take some risks and see where I land and who knows maybe I'll be a little happier with the end than where I began.

Sometimes I think the saddest part of life is how far we come from when we finished to when we started.

My daughter's one years old and I know someday she's going to know what it feels like to not be enough

My cousin wasn't always addicted to the ****** but then he got older had some pain that wouldn't heal  so he started medicating and started popping pills then it lead to the hard stuff and now he's not with us

I remember being young and wide eyed, never felt so alive but when I got older something in me died and when I die, I'm gonna die with a broken heart on my sleeve.

Are you tired?
Are you weary?

Have the people you once loved left you miles apart
from the person you once knew?

You're not alone in this mystery
All your wounds, all your tears will soon be healed
You'll be able to tell the tale of victory

How you overcame it all
how you made your own destiny.

I'm scared of love, I'm scared of lust
I'm afraid if I open up my bank account they'll take the money and run.

Please have a seat and tell me why you're here.

Well I'll start from the beginning, grew up in a broken home were the foundation of my heart started to get cracks and what I mean is I grew up with an abusive dad.

I couldn't understand how someone who's supposed to be the rock won't rock with me and he loved throwing the first stones.

As a kid I felt like I viewed life on the outside cause I didn't know who I was inside so I leaned to keep the house the clean just don't look under the rug.

As life progressed I learned that people like to wear masks to mask the pain of abuse, neglect and trauma but take off the mask and you'll see a face with scars from trail of tears.

Doc can you please help me? I'm lost inside and this inner child won't stop crying. He's lost in the grocery store and they keep calling me to come get him but I keep going down the wrong aisle.

Put in my headphones, with my eyes closed and I think I'm finally starting to see that it's not ghost I'm afraid... I'm really afraid of...me.

Oh yes, yes, it's me
Want to make you laugh? Just pull my strings.
Want me to make you feel better like it's therapy?
Medicate the things you run from with scriptures out of context
It's such a lonely road and I can barely see who's in front of me... can you help me find my contacts?

See I think God allowed me to preach but not to a congregation but to this person inside who I hide, hoping he stays behind, so I can keep this act up cause I'm afraid I might act up and people gonna see that I'm not preaching to the congregation but to the person I keep imitatin.

This hollow shell inside my chest, this faint heartbeat might be the thing that steals my last breath.

Things I thought I had buried are now resurrecting so I've got two options.. either finally face them or keep running and say "forget it"

Some days I feel so lonely, I'm waiting for the better half of me to finally come and get me but I'm always hiding in the shadows of who I used to be so the only I can be free is if someone turns the light on.

You grew through the concrete like a rose
Now when I see you I see a ghost.

Hi, my name is Adam and I'm an addict
I'm the part of Adam he's tried hiding in the attic thinking he can tame..that he can grasp it.

See ladies and gentlemen I'm the things he won't face, I'm the hurts, habits and hang ups that he can't deal with so he takes some meds, reads a book, says a prayer and hopes I'll die real quick.

I always come back like **** cause he only kills the fruit not the root of the issues and so thanks for letting me speak. I think Adam's finally gonna let me breathe.

This person I can no longer hide
The one I've kept secret to keep my pride.
He loves telling lies and always has allabies and acts like Dr. Jekyll but really knows he's Mr.Hyde

Open your eyes and realize
Reach your conclusion and stop with the illusion because it's you that you are foolin.

Your name on my tongue is bittersweet
Your words go through me like a ghost
Sitting right next to you and we're still not close.

Should I shut the door and let the memories be your replacement?
You can see the emptiness inside of me and you know I can't fake this.

Once you were the rose that grew in my garden but now you're the thorn in my side.
You used to be the sun in my sky but now when you come out I only look for shade.

Some days I feel like giving up
Feel like throwing towel
Find a new path, get a new map but how?
I've worn these chains for so long that I might just put a diamond in them.
Said that prayer that was gonna set me free, read the book and passed the test and somehow I'm still in class.

Lay my body down and let it return to the earth
May my soul rest in the ground and may my tears bring life to the dirt

Hear my heart beat one through the thunder
Hear the wind sing my song

Take me back to the place of my birth
O God lay me down in the ashes and dirt

What will be like when I stand before your throne?
To hear my father say " son welcome home"
To be caught up in your gaze in the awe and wonder of you are
Joy will be the attire that I'll be dressed in and peace shall be my companion down the street of gold

Together with my master, savior and friend
To be held in the sweet arms of Jesus
To be with my first love

Our shadows dance together in the moonlight
This game of cat and mouse we play with our eyes
I see you from the corner of mine as your eyes set my soul on fire with the look desire

My heart has been arrested
My mind has been held captive
Won't you be the one to set me free?

She calls me in the morning, before the day begins
She helps to numb my scars and forget about my sins.

I met her when I was young and wide-eyed
A friend introduced us and we've been married ever since
Now I can't get rid of her but she helps to numb my scars and forget about my sins.

You have broken my body under the weight of the world
My light is like a flickering candle in the wind, barely staying lit
My heart is shattered and my eyes burn from the tears
I've barried my hopes and dreams

Why do you torment me and make me live?
Why won't you ***** me out like a cigarette being rubbed against the concrete?
Does my suffering make you laugh
Does my sorrow bring joy to your heart?

Again I say why won't you take my life?
Take back your promises and leave me in the grave so that I can finally be at peace
Let my body wither away like my hopes and dreams.

From rags to riches is how Jesus says we should be
Climb the corporate ladder even if it cost your dignity.
Sorry Jesus but there's a no vacancy sign on my heart
I got George, Abe and Benjamin staying and they ain't leaving soon so you'll have to wait.

I keep digging but fail to realize
I'm the one hitting the nails in the coffin and I'm being barried alive.

We built our love on promises and rings
I pledged my vows in front of our friends and family
It's been so long since that day, can't believe how easy it is for hearts to go astray.

Fear comes in the dead of night
When I look in your eyes
And wonder if you shared your smile
With someone else

But love grows in the barren wasteland
When the rains beat down on the tin roof
We'll dance to the music of the storm
And pledge this love forever more

Flowers blossom and wither
Depending on if I'm happy or bitter

A place that is forbidden
Where secrets are hidden
A place I go to be alone
A place no one knows.

Two strangers meet
Two secrets they keep
To a place I look for you
To a place I call... dark side of the moon.

From the day of my birth
I've been blessed with the gift words
Never knew how to express the inside
Until I put the pen in my in hand.

I've tried the sword a couple times because it's what they say makes masculinity but for me it's toxicity so i put down the sword and write.

*** and money are the two mistresses I sneak away with in my heart and fool around with when I'm tired.

They speak smooth words and their lips taste like honey
Whenever I can't find them I feel depressed.

The more I get the more I want
I'm never satisfied
They keep throwing dirt on me
They want me buried alive.

I've got the matches and gasoline
Tired of staring at this old house
It's just not what it used to be.
The floor creaks, windows busted
I used to love to be here but now I'm disgusted.

Strike the match and watch it burn
Let it be ashes and embers
Let this house be something I never remember

Thank you Jesus for my eyes that see the sunrise on that beautiful morning

Thank you Jesus for my family and friends because you know when will see each other again.

Thank you Jesus for the clean clothes that cover my body and keep cool and warm.

Thank you Jesus for my wife and daughter.  

Lord thank you for the gift of life! I'm blessed that you have allowed me to see thirty years!

Thank you Jesus for price you paid
Thank you Jesus for the foundation you laid.

You've come so far so why turn around? Where would you go? Who would be? Just a little bit longer and you will see that this road is going to make you who you were always meant to be.

Tired soul with holes in my shoes
Lost so much so what's there to loose?
The night has lasted longer than expected.
So much to say but can't express it
Try to remember the way but I keep forgetting.

A street light comes on
Only the road I see
A sign that points to home
But home all along was a place inside of me.

My mouth is sealed
My spirit sings
My soul is weary
I long for rest.

Lead me beside the still waters
Wash me in rivers of joy
Let me run through the open fields without fear.

It's been thirty years
That I've been on this earth
Thirty years since the day of my birth
Let me share some wisdom with you.

Take in the beauty of the ordinary
Don't neglect the mundane things
Laugh when you can
Smile at the people who pass by
Learn to let go and accept change as it comes

From the beginning of life we are born innocent and pure
We laugh without the fears and worries of tomorrow
We see the beauty of life
People's faces, birds singing and the feeling of being unconditionally loved

Leaving us in awe and wonder
Singing with the earth a hymn to the king as we breathe in his very breath

The feeling of grass between your fingers
The kiss of the sun on your skin
Laughter with friends
The taste of a delicious meal
Yes even heartache and pain

Things we take for granted and only wish for them when it's too late.

The morning I'll never forget
The morning I got that text
The morning I wept

Couldn't believe it was true
Couldn't believe you were gone
Couldn't believe it was you

We were supposed to grow up and grow old and laugh at the stories we told

Bullet holes, ****** clothes, quick hide the evidence or they'll know.
Oh god what I have done!!
I'll need cash, gas and a new identity
Wonder if anyone will even know it's me?
What am I gonna tell the kids? My job? The church? If they find out it was me it will leave a world of hurt.

No looking back now I've dug my grave. My question is can I still be saved?