From the beginning
I have defended you from the very start
but you turned me into a clown at the end

Because of you
my shield turned into sinking balloons
the helmet that I wear melted like paint
and clown makeup is smeared on my face
my chivalry armor collapses to the ground
and a big colorful jumpsuit raps around my body from my neck to feet
the big metallic boots that I once wore
morphed into a big bright rubber shoes that squeak so loudly when I walk
and a big bow tie ways down my neck
leaving me in a hunchback posture

I couldn’t believe what I had became and it is all because of the sick twisted lies that you made me believe in

“Nothing you do is awkward
or corny or even cheesy at most
everyone is brought to this earth
to have a great time
and expressing themselves to the fullest
not to worry about the opinion of the person next to them” she told me with a warm smile

I looked up at her for a second
And then realized why I enjoyed her presence

I’ll walk to your house
At the middle of the night
With a ladder in my hand
When I reached to your window
I’ll set the ladder down gently
And crawl up to your window
I’ll knock on your window shield
And wait until I see a light turned on

I’ll see you open the window
And I’ll get to your angelic face
As I sit on the side of your window
I’ll watch you talk for hours on everything
You’ll tell me about your day
Your friends who you love dearly
How much you hate your family dinners
And tell me about moving away from here
And I’ll try to think of what to say to you that wouldn’t sound embarrassing
We’ll stay with our eyes locked on for each other
You reached your face closer to mine and I’ll do the same with my eyes closed

Until I hear a knock on your bedroom door
You’ll quickly off your lights
And I’ll quickly position myself to crawl down from the window
But before I head down
You’ll tell me to perk my head up
Before I could even say “why?”
you’ll kiss my forehead
And tell me goodbye

I’ll crawl down the ladder
And when I reach the ground
I’ll make a run for it  
Running with the smile you gave me that angelic night

Keep your soft soul
it’s very delicate and pure
Stay gentle with yourself so you don’t feel pain when going through guilt
Remain kind to people who have done you right in life
And most importantly
don’t let the ugly truth of the future
make you feel bitter in the present

For I have discovered how our future looks and now my eyes feel deceived

Even though I’m smart enough to understand many things
I absolutely love to act dumb sometimes
It helps me see people’s real motives, intentions, and personal values when they are alone with me
It’s like playing a game of who slips their words up the most
Whoever loses gets to be seen as who they really are in the inside
And I’ve never lost once

It’s kinda funny
How some people would consider themselves “grownups”
Until it is time to
Communicate
Apologize for their actions
Accept accountability
Or rather yet just tell the truth
It’s only then their “grown” selves would release a childlike tantrum
And play the victim cover up their childish crimes

It’s somewhat ironic to know that no one likes to admit that their wrong at times

When it comes to expressing myself
I am incapable of doing so
If you were to tell me to describe how I feel today
In a expressive manner
You would just end up feeling disappointed in the ending result
Because in my definition emotions are just a bunch of puzzle pieces inside my head
describing those emotions is impossible for me to comprehend
I can’t tell you if I’m happy
Sad
Mad
Or even terrified
But I do hope one day
you’ll understand how I feel
without me trying to jumble my words around trying to find you the right answer