I will overcome this.
You will overcome that.
I believe in you.
Can you believe in me?
Fight your own **** battles
Don't send your little army after me
Those you've manipulated before me
Those that'll suffer the same fate as me.
Fight your own **** battles
Be the adult you wish you could be.
At first I pushed her away, avoided her.
The actions she did unforgivable
Time would heal my pain
That was not the case.
Letting my hurt fester and grow
Making me someone I hate
I needed to vent
I let out the steam billowing up inside me
I am one of tranquility
I am one of hypocrisy
I remember talking to them
I remember making them laugh, and smile.
I hope they're doing alright.
I don't know if they think about me.
I'm worried if I talk to them
It'll be opening old wounds
I feel..... Relieved.
I feel as if this weight has been lifted of my shoulders.
Although, this invisible divide is still there slightly. Unsure of whether if it wants to leave my mind
I guess I'll just see where it goes, if it goes anywhere at all.
Hopefully it won't just remain there forever
I want to sleep forever
I want to have dreams of the happiness I worry I'll need have.
I want to never forget the feeling of a warm bed on a cold night.
The feeling of freshly washed and dried sheets
The dream of someday waking up next to the woman I love
She's out there somewhere, but for now I'll only see her in my slumber.
Does time really have the healing power so many say it does?
Does it make scars fade away?
Does it make the most heinous of crimes forgiveable?
Will it help me forgive and forget?
I just want to move on from this
I've had enough tears for a while now.
I thought that we'd be considerate about each other's feelings
Although, while I was trying to protect yours, you were busy ignoring mine
You won't ever see this. That's a fact.
But I hope you're happy with yourself. After all that.
I am not completely afraid of death, nor am I unafraid of it.
I don't intend to go peacefully if I may
I want to go out of this world as I came into it
We don't have control over how we go, but if I did
I want to go knowing my loved ones are safe.
I want to go protecting those that I hold dear and close to my heart.
Another smash of my glass house
Another set back
Over 2 small things
Small to them
Do I even have the right to be upset
Do I have the right to feel the way I do
I want you to have happiness so I sacrificed my own
And now I'm at this all time low
I'm just hurt, confused, and tired.
The ping of the notification
the pop up of the phone ring
The strength taken just to focus
Distracted by this, that, you...
I thought we'd be fine, but you're going to be petty and annoying about it.
You're going to be ever the child.
You ignore me every where else but here maybe.
I should thank you for all the frustration I get from you
You wanna be like this? Fine
I've tried to remain nice but if you're gonna be true to your name. Then so be it.
You know those long and irritated groans everyone makes?
I need to vent lol. Not usually this full of anger
This is not me being stubborn
This is me not letting go of you
This is me not giving up on my dreams of there being an us.
This is me nervous
This is me worried
This is not me as when I am broken
For my if I can make my heart as strong as my will
I'll hold on to this until the bitter or sweet end
I once said I was like an open book with a few pages torn out,
I still have those pages
I'm just hesitant about putting them back
I'm worried they'll be ripped out again
Leaving nothing but shreds.
but... I hope you'll read my book and encourage me to keep adding page after page
Not a huh?
But just a
I read that
Don't know what to do bout' that
Can't say much on that
Wishing you the best
Can't comprehend it all
I'm nervous but also like
I'm woah **** I'm excited
But I'm calm and collected
Although I'm also like
Losing my ****, is this really happening?
I can't wait
I figuratively can't wait
I literally have to wait
I'm a bit worried, I'll admit
Today wasn't all that compared to other days but any day with you is a good one
So it's almost time
Optimistically you'll be mine
On top of that, no flip of a dime
Now, it's just our rhyme
I only have patience for you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
Don't let things get askew
My heart belongs with you
She gave me a chance after no one else would
She gave me a chance when I thought nobody could
It's in my grasp and I can almost taste it
I feel like love is like a sword, not a double edged one, just a regular one.
You start off grasping the handle, but you drop it over and over, each time it falls with the blade facing you. You have to pick it up every time, cutting yourself another scar of failure, each one getting more painful then the one prior.
Sometimes you think it will land with the hilt facing you.
The only real question isn't how it lands. It's that you have to realize you can easily just pick it up by the handle, it's a lot harder and not as easy as grabbing it by the blade, but it's always been option. You just have to realize it's there
Bloodied hands for stupid plans
Words left unspoken
Awkward silences from brash feelings
Are you okay?
I hope you are
You told me you could take it
I didn't believe you
You said I was a liar
I didn't believe you
You said I was unaffected
I didn't believe you
You told me you were sorry.
Are you really though
I've never done a lot of things in my life.
I've never had seafood, because it doesn't seem all that good
I've never had a first kiss, because I could never find the one then
I've never had....
"It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all"
That's a horrible phrase. Because either are horrible
All it takes for some is a single blot of doubt to make me want to scream
I ignored it for as long as I could but I can't any longer
It feels as if the path I'm taking may seem right to me, it is a corrosive acid that destroys what I hold most dear and if it doesn't get the thing it wants it will ruin me
Why won't the rain clouds go away?
I hope I never have to publish this, I'm only writing this to vent, but if you see this poem then know I'll be fine. I just need time to accept all that's happened. May take a day, a week, month, or maybe months. However I'll bounce back. I usually do.
I wrote this January 7th, 2018.
The original reason for writing is temporary lost in the cosmos, but I had just enough space in my brain to make this relevant several months later
Every boy grows up and is told that a real man works out, a real man has a six pack and is muscular
They don't tell you of how really tough that journey is to get there
Everyone has their own reasons
Maybe it's to impress that girl
Maybe it's to boost your self esteem
Maybe it's so you won't be the little guy anymore
Maybe it's all that and more
You spend the hours doing work that brings pain and aches later on and you never want to do it again
Written February 2nd, 2018
Why do I have to be the only one alone
No I don't mean that I don't have friends or family.
I mean why does my brain make meeting someone special and being in a relationship with them such a concept that I can't grasp
Why do my hands and mouth slip at the chances I get, why do I hesitate until too late and my chance is foiled by none other then myself
Written May 25th 2018
I've had a long day, seems to be an even longer night
Dealing with you, but not you
I'm actually dealing with all of them
I'm actually also dealing things other then you
I'm dealing not drugs, but death sentences if I can't fix myself onto the track I'm just going to derail myself of later anyway
An overly excessive acronym for an otherwise meaningful phrase
Why are they all here now, when it was just going to be the two of us?
You think I don't
But I do
I'm just not
The same as you
I hate that thing
I that my mind is so focused on that, THAT. That of which I could end up horribly from
But I can't think of it being anything else but that
I don't see any other option then that, I just believe that, it's my key to happiness is to that.
What's your THAT
Mine is, well. Truth be told, it's just, THAT.
A poem I wrote back in April, no longer sure if I relate to it
It's about a girl again, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah it is.
Is she different from the rest?
Yeah, yeah she is.
Does she know?
Funny enough, yeah she does.
Welp, here's to a different one
Yeah, yeah it will be
Welp, I'm a senior now
Too bad I got one more year now
Too bad I got summer school
Too bad I got a summer job,
Well it ain't all that bad,
It's only just begun
Balance the tipping scale of your life
Does it lean in the way you want,
is it on its side, fallen from the weight of the daily stress?
From that upcoming test,
To that strained relationship
To the mystery of what is really what
Is it even worth it?
My mind is like a race track, every thought trying to be the first to cross my mind
Will it be the one who's positive, the confident one, the one where everything is going to be alright, the one that makes me smile and determined to keep going forward
Will it be the one who's negative, through one saying that it won't turn out like I want it to. The one that gives me nightmares that I'm not enough
I don't know which thought will win the 17 year long race that's been going on in my life.
I can only hope that the truth will come forward, and that I'll be ready for it
I'm going to the Magic Kingdom in two days, I'm excited for it, I'm on vacation for crying out loud, why do these thoughts enter my mind now <_<
Maybe someday, I'll be in downtown New York, a coffee shop in the underground,
Where all the poets, artists and rejects of society can come together as one
Maybe I'll have learned that instrument I've always wanted to learn
I'll play an old song from long ago about life's sorrows and sadnesses
You might walk in and see me, long forgotten until now, a one time deal you never thought you'd find again
Maybe we'd make the connection that our pathes were once heavily intertwined as some paths do
Maybe you won't recognize me, but I'll recognize you
I didn't know what to title this, if anyone had a good idea, feel free to shoot me a email and I'll put it in and credit you. I also kind of hate how this turned out
Some people are just naturally alone, they don't choose to be, it's just how they've always been and how they always will be
I chose to be alone, but not on purpose.
I chose to be alone by pushing people away and not even knowing I was doing it
I guess now I'll be the type of person who's just naturally alone since I can't manage naturally to not be alone.
Always putting yourself first should be a priority of life, but sometimes you don't do that
Sometimes you stay up the whole night to make sure you have all your homework done
Sometimes it's because you want to make sure someone is going to still be there in the morning
Sometimes you get angry that you're not where you want to be at,
Sometimes you get angry that others aren't where they need to be at
Written March 20th, 2018
Do people really change? As the seasons change throughout the year?
Am I really different from what I once was?
I think a part of seeing someone change isn't even them changing
You simply get to see the real them and what they really think
I'll wait for you, under the old oak tree,
I'll wait for you, whether it be for a year or three
I'll wait for you, because I love you
I'm an open book, but there's just a slight problem.
I'm an open book with some pages torn out
I'm a library book that few check out, and fewer take care of.
I hate them.
They make me say that
They give me no other choice
I have no free will of my own in this home
I have no say in the matters that directly affect me
I'm just a viewer watching the TV about the boy who hates his parents
It's unhealthy, but who's fault is that?
The ones who get ****** at me because of the most minor of things, the ones who punish me over reasons that to be honest, aren't reasons in the slightest whatsoever and honestly it makes me want to scream
I have no control over this steering wheel that's driving my life
It's hitting bumps and crashing into every and all things bad
And I'm basically helpless to stop it
I have no control over my own life.
I wish these poems would sound like more then just words flowing by on the river of your ears
Something strong that resonates with you after reading, makes you stop what you're doing and reread it to make sure you understood it all
Words that make you wanna get up and dance to the beat of the heartbeat drum you have going on inside
The truth will pour out of us and reveal the fun side of life
To the tune of your favorite song
I wish I could sing the songs I relate to as well as the artists that wrote them
I wish I had the rhythm and the tone to handle the notes
I wish I was able to write music, play it on an instrument for all to hear,
Hear my sorrows, joys, all the aspects of my life
It's fast and it hits hard
Depending on what kind, it may even hurt
But you stand there tall with your armor of pride, protecting your inner self from this outer threat
But then there's the new kind of bullet, one you don't know how to fight back at
Maybe this love will be greater then others before
Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic
You tell yourself,
"Hey, maybe it might work out"
Yeah, maybe. But maybe not
You always should be ready for failure
Maybe you fail yourself
Maybe you fail the ones you care about
You need to accept that sometimes things aren't alright, and that you can't do a thing to fix it
You're just chasing the ghosts of dead dreams
You can still choose to feel the same as you had, but don't let that ruin things you've worked so hard for
I wish I could cry.
I wish I could take back words that come from my head and mouth
I wish I could curl up into a ball, and maybe my future self could reassure me that maybe I still have a chance.
Just to know that even if I'm failing now, time and time again will I know nothing but failure, that I'll succeed once.
Just to hear that would keep me ease until then. I'd be able to keep my upbeat personality and charm people think I have up. Maybe I'd find it's actually real
But that won't happen
I won't ever know for sure until it happens
And that's not likely in my state
I wish I could cry
What if I truly didn't have any control over what I do
What if I'm just watching a movie set in the first person about a guy who thinks he can do what he probably shouldn't even attempt
That'd be nice, moving the ***** up to different shoulders.
But only mine would be willing to carry that burden
I wish I had a sister
I have enough brothers, 3 in fact.
I wish I had a sister to go to because she'd know exactly how to help me through certain situations,
I wish I had a sister because she knows how girls work and I just don't have a clue
I wish I had a sister because a family of basically all boys isn't a very emotional family.
I can't cry, not even if I tried
I just sit and ponder what's beyond this painful, this darkening, this overwhelming fear of what lies ahead
I wish I had a sister
I... I don't know what to call this
I'm too afraid to ask you where we stand because what if I don't like the answer
What if it never advances past this
I keep telling myself not to go too fast
But am I just not moving at all?
It's like a mixed bag of snacks, we all like to pick out the good moments and leave the bad ones inside
I don't know what will happen when I grab you from the bag