She had to die for me to become I.

You’re like the cold breeze on a sunny day.

The first whiff of fresh air

on my pressured lungs

that’s been caged.

You’re the sun on a cold day.

You’re the light in my dark days.

You’re the reason I close my eyes,

And the reason they open again.

You’re a warm hug on a bad day.

You’re the reason I know it’ll all be okay.

Took me way too long to understand.
That
I loved a man.
Who was nothing but potential
I loved a man.
Who I wished,
Would understand
Who I am.
What I need.
Who I wished I could be.
I loved a man who I had hope would simply stay forever.
I deserved better, and I wanted him to be that better.
Yet he never saw the need to be any better for me.
He'd rather leave.

My words are my thoughts,
some ,
unsaid,
some,
unheard,
Some felt,
and others undeserved.
My heart and mind,
my love and my hate.

All once yours,
are now just my words.
It’s all I have left of you.
Words.

Oh how I deserve an apology.

A sincere apology from myself to myself.

For I chose to love a lover who didn't choose me ever

So deeply never.

Hope hope go away.
Come back another day.
Today I hoped for him to come back..
Come when i look ahead and see the colour black.

Come when I need you the most.
When I just wanna feel the coast.
Come when I lack myself
Come how you came when I was twelve.


Hope hope go away.
Come back another day.
Today I hoped to see him again.
Today I hoped I end up with him.
Hope hope, I'd rather die
Than to live a life where I always cry.

Sometimes I choose to let go,
I let my words flow.
I let them speak
Hoping they'll explain me.
Im complicated,
They say.
But I wish i came with a dictionary
Because even I don't understand me.
My purpose, I know
My desires, I don't.
Why do I choose to let go,
When control is all I know.
Each time I cry,
You're the only reason why.
Please leave my thoughts,
Leave my mind.
I'm trying to leave all this behind.
I choose to let it go.
Even though control is all I know...

Don't you worry, my love, I'm doing just fine.

I smile all day and I take my tablets at night.

I talk all day and I flood my pillows at night.

Don't you worry, my love, I'm perfectly fine.

̶"̶i̶t̶ ̶d̶i̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶k̶"̶ ̶



"𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣'𝙩 𝙩𝙧𝙮 𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙙 𝙚𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝"

Pain,



               Love,
      



                      Pain,



                                   You


     .

Maybe in a parallel universe,
Im still laying in your arms.

Crying, in your chest,
Asking you to take me far far away.

After making sweet sweet love...

I came across your scent today....

I unintentionally put it on myself.

It's still my favorite smell.

To smell like you.

From now on. I will use this scent until It doesn't remind me of you.

I'm a fool to be typing this out. I know you're doing good without me. I know you're taking all the anger out at the gym. I think I saw you drive past me last night. Or so I wished.

I hope you're well. I hope your dreams seem closer now. I hope you're at peace, Knowing that you don't have one crazy girl to be forced to text or call every day. At peace with your phone switched off, focusing on your work how you said things would be if I hadn't walked into your life.

I've typed this out, Knowing I can't hit the send button. Knowing I'm going to delete this anyways.

I'll always love you. I stopped hoping to stop loving you. I love you still. And always will.

I added water into my dehydrated body.

Just to cry some more.

On most winter nights I turn on the heater to keep me warm.

Tonight, I turned on my thoughts.
I lay warm in the blanket of memories.
Tonight, I feel warmer than most nights.




The heater was better,
It didn't make me miss being in your arms...

Absurd is the box of memories.

How meticulously created memories cause the greatest agony.

A box only to be opened with you for it to give me ecstasy.

Why didn't they teach us how to get rid of that lump in the back of our throat at school.

Drugs and more

no doubt they've killed my soul.

Knifes and wounds, guns and more

No doubt they've killed my soul.

Arms and veins, blades and more,

No doubt they've killed my soul.

Powder and needles, pills and more,

No doubt they've killed my soul.

No more fear can't live no more,

Im the one who killed my soul.

Euphoric in a second and dead in next

Save us before we rest.

Dear George Floyd.

I write this to you today in hopes that your soul is in peace.

I write this in hopes that your martyrdom won't be another headline or simply another name in the papers. I write this in hopes that perhaps another man of Color won't lose his life to racism.

I write to you today to let you know that we will fight. We will fight so no man has to lose his life because of the color of his skin. We will fight so no race is called "thugs" again. We will fight for another 7 years for those 7 minutes of pain you felt.

Our fight is not over. Our fight has just begun. No man's life will be as cheap as a packet of cigarettes again.

25 May 2020, and George Floyd will be remembered.

Unequally democratic,
Laws made equally,
punishments biased.

Kills for the Black man,
Patience for the white.

"I can't breathe"
He cried.
Phones recorded,
Yet
He died.

A black man's life,
At a packet of cigarettes price.

A white man kills,
Yet still alive.

Justice we seek.
What they had promised to provide.
Yet we take on these streets.
Again, to fight.

We take on these streets with your name in bold.
History books will proclaim you as gold.

In hopes that your name will be the last.

We will fight 7 years for your 7 minutes.
We will breathe.
We will breathe.

Strip me to my core. Without laying your hands on me. And watch me be your, devotee.

Today, I saw the sunrise.

Yes, I was up all night.

But it wasn't as sweet as it used to be.

I was up all night, suffering from insomnia, in tear puddles caused by your memories.

As the sun kept rising I hugged the teddy you gave me, for my eighteenth birthday, a little tighter, wishing it was you.

As she heals.
We heal.
As she breathes.
We breathe.
As her fury decreases
We mend our ways.

If love is a drug,


Then I am an addict

And when death comes my way.
I want to feel every breath.
I want to remember every second spent with you.
I want to hear your heartbeat as mine begins to stop.
I want to comfort you and tell you that I'm alright, even though I'm not.
I want to hear your voice for the last time.
I want to see your face before my eyes.
I want to meet your soul and mind for the last time.
I want to tell you I love you on my deathbed.
And I want to hear you say "I love you too" before I close my eyes.
For the last time.

And when i die.
Let me go.


**** my thoughts.
And don't think of my ghost.


Don't let me come back as tears In your eyes.
Just let me go and don't think twice.


Don't think of me when you're at home.
Don't think of me when you're on the road.


Remove all my memories.
Erase all my photos.


Delete my poems and
Destroy my phone.


**** me in your mind.
And never think about me twice.


And when I go,
Release all your anger.


Just let it be.
Don't get angry.


I know how you can be.
You won't shed a tear but you'll cry on the inside heavily.


Don't let your anger take over.
Just forget about me. I was just a lover...

Me: Mirror mirror on the wall,
Who's the strongest of them all?

Mirror: You. You run, chase, trip and fall yet you get back up after it all.

I felt safe with you.

But I forgot that the same fire,
That gives warmth holds power,
To destroy all that's in its path.

Cracks in the paint doesn't mean the wall is about to collapse.

Your mind is confined in cages built by your own insecurities.

My hours spent with you feel like minutes.
All my wrongs seem to become rights.
Your voice is like that beautiful melody unheard by the world,
personalized for my ears.
You touched my heart before you touched my lips.
You entered my mind before you opened other precious doors.
And that's why I'm still deeply in love with you....
And I fall in love with every essence of your being, the more I exist....

Come give this Cinderella the love she needs,

After midnight when she's in her rags and her fancy dresses are gone

You said that the distance caused you pain.


Yet.

It was this pain that caused the distance

And like every over thinker,



I over thought myself to bed tonight......

Your heavy breathing leaves me breathless.

You look me in my eyes, and I can't look away.

Our bodies burn as if we ran a marathon together.

Our hearts beating together.

This is it.
This is our moment...

Let's pretend forever doesn't exist.


Let's live now.
Today.
This minute.
This second.

And a year later,

I wear the same heels,

But feel taller.

I crave your scent.
I crave your touch.
I crave your mind.
I crave your love.
I crave your eyes.
I crave your voice.
I crave your words.
I crave your stares.
I crave my body burning.
I crave you.

Instead if learning how to swim,

I developed gills.


Nothing can destroy me now.

I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore.

That morning,
I met a woman.

Skin beginning to wrinkle...
Mid 30s I assume.

She walked into the ***** engineering faculty's
bathroom.

She Greeted me politely while I fixed my messy hair.
Her smile,
Fake.
Yet polite.

Her problems
Visible on her face....


I never saw her again.

His eyes give me the intoxication I need to escape reality.

He gives me the high I need.

The thing about "no strings attached" is that they tend to break the strings which are attached.

Why is it difficult to show love
Why is it difficult for you to show care.

Just tell me you love me
Maybe that'll stop my despair...

Let me make all your fantasies come true,


Come here let me feed you.

Its gonna be another day, another week, another month,another year

Its gonna be a new me, walking into gates and places ive never been.

It going to be adventurous finding new company or maybe even a new me.

Its going to be a discovery of the world ive never seen.

Every teardrop of mine has a story to tell,

listen.

When man meets nature,

It reminded me of how you met me...

Its 3.30 am and I'm still up....

The web has me entangled....

You were at fault,

And

I blamed myself.

Because

I loved you even through the heart break.