Maybe a month ago.
I would have thought about you.
& hoped all was well.
Well enough for me.
To be able to check in.
To a small motel.
That you hold close to your heart.
Which resides on the outskirts of your sleeve.
I mean after all.
We both know I can be classified as one.
An outsider that is.
Because its been much longer than a month.
Since I've been a nearby presence.
Or even a neighboring smile.
But more of a far-off memory.
That has been followed by absence.
& if it's anything like they say.
Absence somehow has a way.
Of making the heart grow fonder.
But that was a month ago.
..& my maybe was hypothetical.

Maybe yesterday.
I would have thought about you.
& found myself.
On the verge of saying hello.
Asking if everything was everything.
From school being school.
But it's something you love.
From your family being your family.
& they are everything you live for.
From work being work.
With it being something to just get you by.
Leaving love to be love.
Where you aren't looking.
But if it were to happen.
You wouldn't mind.
& I wouldn't mind that for you.
Because after everything.
That you've dealt with because of me.
& vice versa.
We both deserve that one day.
Just not from each other.
But that was yesterday.
..& my maybe was hypothetical.

Maybe tomorrow.
I will think about you.
& pray you think enough about me.
To send me a quick text.
Or a small email.
Where you tell me.
All the things.
I've thought of telling you.
Where you ask.
All the questions.
I find myself being to hesitate.
To ask you.
But there is nothing hesitate about you.
Your words are simple.
Your tone seems to be complex.
& I find that you are asking me a favor.
That I know I will have to commit.
No response.
No reaching out.
Just giving you time.
To think for yourself.
& find all the pieces that have become ajar.
But that is tomorrow.
..& my maybe is hypothetical.

Maybe a few years from now.
I will think about you.
& time will have healed.
Just like.
All the voices I hear around me.
Said it would.
& from there.
I can meet you for coffee.
Or maybe even tea.
Where we can show each other pictures.
Of the babies we went half on.
Without you or I.
Being the other half we thought we'd be.
You named your boy Hayden.
While I named my girl Riley.
Knowing those were the names.
We picked for ours.
But we aren't bothered.
Because we are happy.
We are loved.
We are where we are meant to be.
But that is a few years from now.
..& my maybe is hypothetical.

Maybe a month ago, I would’ve hoped.
Maybe yesterday, I would’ve said hello.
Maybe tomorrow, I will pray.
Maybe a few years from now, I will heal.
But today is today.
& you are under the same roof as me.
About thirty feet away.
Where you know I'm here as well.
So you wait until I'm watching.
To smile & laugh.
Make jokes & take phone calls.
& pretend you are just amazing.
Now that I'm not there.
Which makes me show no emotion.
Tell everyone I don't care.
Because if I say it long enough.
I'm bound to eventually believe it.
But what I do believe.
Is that today is a vicious cycle.
With no maybes.
..& nothing about it is hypothetical.

I was born with a deficiency.
& I smile because of it.
Fireworks that light up the sky.
Don’t explode color for me.
The seven colors of the rainbow.
Don’t lay out Roy G Biv for me.
Multifunctional digital cameras.
Don’t upload colorized for me.
The fireworks.
The rainbows.
The cameras.
All come out the same.
Colorless.
I smile because I am used to it.
Because it shows me the world for what it is.
I’m not distracted by the flashing lights.
Or the colorful reflection after the rain.
Not even the still moments of a photo.
So I see what’s real.


I live with a deficiency.
& I smile because of it.
I will never know the color of her hair.
As the wind blows it during a cool summer day.
I will never know the color of her eyes.
As the sun allows them to shine with beauty.
I will never witness her skin tone.
My deficiency doesn’t allow it.
I smile because I’m used to it.
Because it shows me who she really is.
The very essence of what makes her glow.
What my deficiency does allow.
I see her soul.
What her hair cannot conger.
I see her heart.
What her eyes cannot frame.
I see her love.
What her skin cannot contain.
So I see what’s real.

I will die with a deficiency.
& I smile because of it.
When the world becomes fragile.
I won’t see the red of the flames.
When the world becomes damaged.
I won’t see the blue of the flood.
When the world becomes a waste land.
I won’t see the color fade.
Because my deficiency took that a long time ago.
I smile because I’m used to it.
& it made my life beautiful.
Even though I saw black & white.
My canvass was colored with my heart.
& that is where my imagination runs wild.


I was blessed with a deficiency.
& I smile because of it.
Because I knew never to be afraid.

Subtle changes.
But changes none the less.
From the way you look at me.
To the way you react to me.

Subtle changes.
But changes none the less.
From the way you stopped kissing me.
To the way me kissing you is burden.

Subtle changes.
But changes none the less.
From the way you don’t seem to need me.
To the way you don’t seem to want me.

Yeah I know the changes are subtle.
But they are changes none the less.
I guess I’m half to blame.
Because of how I imagined things would be.
I imagined a world where your soul was addicted to mine.
I imagined a world where your love for me outweighed your everyday stressors.
I imagined a world where my value was at the forefront of your mind.
But most importantly I imagined a world where we were equal.
Equal in what we give.
Equal in what we take.
Equal in how hard we love.
Equal in how hard we feel.
But I’m running 390 meters.
While that last 10 seems to be such a burden for your soul.
..but like I said, I’m half to blame.
Because I don’t demand my value.
I tell you everything is fine while my happiness with you is shattering.
I ask for you for consistency, but I allow you to flake every time.
I need you to nourish me in how I speak love.. but allow your needs to proceed my own.

Leaving me slowly withering away & becoming the most subtle change of all.
But it will be a change none the less.

You had me at hello, but you lost me in silence.. & being the man that yearns for you more than I should I’ll always find my way back to you, all because my soul is tied to yours with so many knots I have given up trying to loosen them.. So I’ll continue following every bread crumb you’ll probably never lay, while listening to all the songs that sway me to you.. continuing in a cycle of doing something over & over again expecting a different result knowing one will never come.

I used to hear your voice in my dreams, & it may be because a ‘goodnight’ over the phone was the last thing I heard before I let the night take me.. but that was so many years ago, & your voice now is a distant enigma attached to fond memories.. of times where we breathed the same air, with pyrotechnics illuminating our souls whenever your lips found mine, & the warmth of your skin as my own tries so desperately to conjoin to make more than just our souls one…..
I don’t hear your voice in my dreams these days, & it may be because the distant gave way to new ‘good nights’ before the night takes us.. but I do still dream of you, because the air we shared, our fireworks display, & the desire of soulmates is something distant could never take.

For some reason.
It will always bring us closer.
In ways no one wants.
But everyone needs.
To be able to realize.
Life is short.
One minute you are here.
The next you never know.
So cherish one another.
Be thankful for one another.
Be kind to one another.
Because once the other is gone.
Don't let their death be the reason you return.
You'll never forget.  
What you once said you'll never forgive.
To the ones who have left us.
From the celebrities.
To the teens shot just for being there.
Or just the friends we saw around christmas.
I wish you only peace.
Because we will never be able to.
Now that you are gone.

You asked for sincerity.
So allow me to be sincere.
When I say that I've loved.
To end up broken because of it.
Because love isn't free.
You have to pay for your happiness.
Put in what you get out.
So I gave it my all.
My entire life savings.
Which wasn't a lot to the world.
But was the world to me.
Just to find out that it wasn't enough.
Leaving me here.
On the corner of the earth.
Without a penny for my thoughts.
Learning too late.
That my good heart.
Was better than my riches.
Leaving me here.
With multiple clothes.
But the same battered heart.
That hasn't been refreshed in years.
With a scent you would call bittersweet.
Leaving me here.
Desperate.
Asking you to stay.
Because you were forewarned.
That I don't have a lot left.
So I'm giving you everything.
Fighting this time.
For love.
Your love.
Instead of paying for its mistakes.
I'll do what I have to.
Even if that means I have to hurt.
To make us last.

Monday.

I find myself waking up.
With the intent.
Of it just being another day.
But once I go out.
My eyes fall upon you.
& for the first time.
In four long years.
Your eyes fall upon me.
In a way that freezes me.
Where I can barely stand.
In a way that consoles me.
Where I can hardly breathe.
In a way that moves me.
Right to where you are.
& where you are.
Is a place.
Where I find myself.
Always wanting to be.
Because the way you walk.
I will always follow.
Because the way you talk.
Will always be heard.
Because the fragrance you spray.
Will always be appealing.
& appealing to me you are.
& always have been.



Tuesday.

I find myself waking up.
Replaying a dream.
Over & over.
In my head.
A simple dream.
Where the sun is shining.
The birds are chirping.
The flowers are blooming.
& my love for you is showing.
But I'm afraid to speak it.
I'm afraid to have it heard.
By those beautiful ears of yours.
Because its my secret.
One I find so dear.
One I hold so close.
To my heart that beats for you.
Wishing one day.
It could beat for us.
But I say it anyway.
Because all I keep thinking.
Is what's life without love?
What's love without you?
& the answer I receive.
Is one I cannot accept.
Because my life is you.
& I love every bit of my life.
Dream or no dream.



Wednesday.

I find myself waking up.
To meet you at a coffee shop.
You're heavy on the sugar.
But there doesn't seem to be.
Anything sweet about your life.
Or better yet said.
You don't see anything sweet.
About your own life.
Because you're cautious with your speech.
You're picky with your people.
You're harmful to your heart.
& you're partial with me.
I would like to save you.
From the very essence.
That is you.
Because the you that I see.
Is who I believe.
You're meant to be.
So you can tell me you hate me.
You can push me away.
Just as long as you know.
That my love for you.
Is here to stay.



Thursday.

I find myself waking up.
With you right next to me.
Half clothed.
Lips half parted.
With your curly dark hair.
I can't bring myself to wake you.
Cause that just means.
The moments at its end.
& from the moment you kissed me.
Which made me lead you to this bed.
Where I shared heavy breaths with you.
Where you shared nail marks with me.
Where we shared our humanity.
I can't bring myself.
To have this end.
Because I didn't ask you to leave.
I didn't not hold you close.
I just watched you sleep.
Until the curtains on my eyes.
Finally decided to close.
Where I dreamt a dream.
Of us being together.
Even after the curtains of our life.
Decided to close.



Friday.

I find myself waking up.
With the impression of your body.
On the right side of the bed.
Where you should be.
Your scent.
Is something you left behind.
But as for a note.
A simple goodbye.
That seems to be missing.
Following you.
Right through the door.
& for someone like me.
Who is accustomed.
To being the one missing.
To being the one to not say goodbye.
To being the one whose text replies are short.
It kills me to receive.
Each one you send back.
Because I'm not a stranger.
I'm not suffocating you.
& I am the same.
As I was on Monday.
So tell me why.
You create distance.
Tell me why.
You define enough.
By looking into ***.
& multiplying your past.
To produce an answer.
That I am not even a part of.
But in your eyes I have to be.
Because how could I.
Just love you for you.
When no one else could.



Saturday.

I find myself waking up.
To find myself growing up.
To find myself being enough.
Enough to be toe to toe.
Ear to ear.
Eye to eye.
Face to face.
With you.
Telling you everything.
That I have been wanting to say.
Needing to say.
For four long years.
& I know.
You may not believe me.
You may still walk away.
But here & now.
I'm leaving it all in the air.
Giving it all on this floor.
So when you do choose.
I know I said everything I could.
I know I told you everything I felt.
I know there was nothing else.
That I could do.
Or could have said.
So here I am.
Fighting for you.
Not just because I love you.
But because I need you.
Because you are my savior.
When no one else could be.
My entire life.
I've never felt that feeling.
That I felt with you after ***.
When a man is the most honest.
Those fifteen to twenty seconds.
When everything is done.
You are the only one.
That I wanted to stay.
That I needed to hold.
That I felt for.
Felt for way more than just physical.
Felt for way more than just emotional.
I just felt love.
The purist form.
What God intended.
That it should be.
& not what everyone else.
Says love should be.
I can't promise you.
That I won't upset you.
That I won't make you mad.
But I can promise you.
That I will love you everyday.
No matter if you are sick.
Or annoyed.
Without makeup on.
& everyday I will fight for you.
Being your knight in shining armor.
Saving you.
From strangers.
From friends.
From family.
& mostly yourself.
So that you can be.
The princess you're supposed to be.



Sunday.

I find myself waking up.
To an empty bed.
To no texts.
& no calls.
So I find some clothes.
Lace my shoes.
With the intent.
Of it just being another day.
Because in all it is.
I said what I said.
I did all I could.
I am in love with a girl.
Who doesn't love herself enough.
To believe anyone else can.
I walk the streets.
Going to all the places.
That I think she might be.
But I only find my thoughts.
& they accompany me.
Through the rest of the day.
Until I unlace my shoes.
& get rid of my clothes.
Do I hear a knock at my door.
You stand in sweats.
& your hair is a mess.
You tell me you love me.
But that you aren't what I need.
You wish you could be.
Because you believe.
In someone like me.
You thank me for everything.
& go to turn to leave.
But I just can't let you leave.
Because this home.
Is big enough.
For the both of us.
& my heart.
Is patient enough.
For your love to mature.
So don't say no.
Just say you'll try.
Because I can't go another morning.
Finding myself.
Waking up alone.

This is for the all the girls I know, and all the ones I don't. I write this with the intention for better days, hope, and just a little faith.


I see you.
It's hard not to.
You lost your worth.
Which seemed to hold an innocence.
That not even children obtained.
It's what gave you inner beauty.
From making a conversation.
More than what it was.
To grabbing attention.
Just by the gravity of your presence.
I remember.
Because sometimes it was my conversations.
I remember.
Because sometimes it was my attention.
But somehow you forgot that.
You forgot that keeping your head up.
Was more than just an elementary game.
You forgot that the power of a smile.
Was more than just a saying.
You defined worth.
Rather than appreciate it.
Luckily I do.
And I will.
Because I have faith in you.  

I hear you.
It's hard not to.
You scream for love.
Which makes you wonder.
Am I enough?
Can someone truly love me?
The answer is yes.
Even when another girl.
Seems to steal the show.
Even when your heart.
Is smashed and spread across the floor.
Because ever after.
Is with a prince.
And ever girl.
To me is a princess.
Whether you believe in fairy tales or not.
Because love is universal.
And the universe is a big place.
Where logic becomes irrelevant.
Leaving only faith to remain.
Which is hopeful.
Because I have faith in you.

I follow you.
It's hard not to.
You lost your way.
In a world that always spins.
Maybe if you could feel it.
You'd find the right path.
The right way.
But instead.
You're stuck in limbo.
Where time for you.
Is as obsolete as the typewriter.
Where the life of you.
Fades with the seconds.
Where the reasons you need.
Are twisted in a simplex fantasy.
One that if never left.
You wouldn't remember your purpose.
Your difference.
Your meaning.
Which is to be someone's savior.
Who is close to destruction.
Because your sincerity.
That small interest.
That simple guide.
Will be what keeps them alive.
And in turn.
Keeps you alive too.
And I'm grateful.
Because I have faith in you.

I praise you.
It's hard not to.
You got it.
And you know it.
It's in your walk.
It's in your laugh.
It's everything you portray.
A candid panting.
Rather than picture.
Because your art.
Is more than just work.
It's promise.
It's hope.
It's faith.
Inside out.
Outside in.
I believe in.
Because you hold your own.
Your morals are a value.
And not just posted on the wall.
No man will ever define you.
He will only contribute.
To a success you decide.
To a world you design.
I love you.
The woman you are.
I have faith in you.

I see you.
I hear you.
I follow you.
I praise you.
God it's hard not to.
Because every girl has her day.
Every girl needs her praise.
Even when you don't see it.
As long as you believe it.
Because when you define faith.
You realize what you don't see.
Is what gives life its wonder.

Life with you.
It's bitter sweet.
Sweet bitter I should say.
Because it's a cycle.
One that I can never predict.
Maybe because when its good.
It's amazing.
The *** is unforgettable.
The talks are indescribable.
The love is untouchable.
But there are days.
When it gets touched.  
When our talks are rough.
When *** is absent.
Those days.
Are the ones I see more.
More than your smile.
More than your bliss.
More than your love.
But more than see.
I feel it.
Pushing down on my head.
On my heart.
Pounding away.
With every ill word.
Every childish fight.
Every let down.
As if I'm a nail.
With you being the hammer.
& all you do.
Is bang away.
Until I'm deep into the wall.
& not your heart.
Which means when its bad.
It's horrible.
I'm left wanting & wishing.
For you to just relax.
& let your pride go.
For you to just understand.
That you fighting with me.
Is what's going to **** us.
That you getting jealous.
Is what will destroy us.
Because I can't keep going through it.
I can't keep taking your ****.
I won't.
Because i'll only go so far.
Plus.
There is only so much.
That I can take.
I'm not made of steel.
I can break.
I can feel tired.
From all the yelling.
From all the lies.
From all the pain.
Exhausted even.
Because after awhile.
You just want to sleep.
& have the days pass you by.
Until the bad turns to good.
Bitter to become sweet.
Exhausted to become well rested.
But most of all.
To get pulled from the wall.
& back to your heart.

I am so much more than the color of my skin..

& with it being 2017.
Having seen 25 birthdays.
Marrying the most gorgeous woman whose skin color is different than mine.
& together creating a little girl who has such a mixture in her & is the epitome of everything that is holy.
I'm both ashamed & conscious that even though the world is better..
This better isn't even close to good enough.

0.1 millimeters.
Practically a sheet of paper difference.
We've allowed it to be cause for so much turmoil.
..when in truth, no one has more value than the other.
Because we all love.
We all hurt.
We all want a good life.
& the crazy thing is, it's possible.
But with all the animosity because "their skin isn't like ours."
Good will never fully come.
0.1 millimeters.
Practically a sheet of paper difference.
You take that away.
& I ask you.. what will you judge me on?
My character?
My failures?
My faith?
My drive?
..because I will never be a perfect human being.
But I will always be one who strives to be better.
& though my mistakes can be catastrophic.
My redemption will always be more.

So I have to say it.
For the strangers that **** over the difference.
For the families that show indifference with the spouse, but love the kid without prejudice.
For those I know, who disagree with ones choices in who they love because of that difference, so they make sure to never let anyone else make the same "bad choice" as long as they have a role to play.
& for myself, so that I never become apart of the problem.. so that my daughter can love & feel loved from all those around her.

..I am so much more than the color of my skin.