When I came to see you for the first time after she passed, I remember wondering how it was that you weren’t a sobbing, hysterical ******* mess. At the time I couldn’t even think about her without wanting to bawl, and she was your mom– so I had no ******* clue how you had been there, had had to watch it all and live inside it all, all day, every day for so ******* long-!
How were you not completely ******* broken by it? How were any of you not? I remember thinking that I would never be able to even comprehend, let alone possess, the strength that it must’ve took for you to keep on moving & breathing & talking like your world hadn’t just ******* stopped that day, right alongside her heart.
**** me baby, but I don’t wonder anymore.
Pain this black and deep and cold- it breaks you on the inside, shatters like glass the parts where no one can see. Just ******* wraps itself around the very heart of you and squeezes it till it cracks, and then it slides right on in and owns every single facet of you, mind, body, soul… The voice you wake up sobbing with.
I can’t ******* breathe sometimes. When I cry it feels like watching her die all over again.
How I grabbed hold of her and ******* walked her to the ******* door myself when she couldn’t seem to find it .
She was looking into my eyes when she went-
I watched-
I saw her leave.
I watched her life stop as I was whispering to her familiar reassurances in my Sister voice, petting her face slow and soft and promising her I was gonna take care of her, I wouldn’t let anybody hurt her. That I would always take care of her. Trust me, baby. Rest, now. Shh… I’m right here, babe. look at me, I’ma take care of you-
Looking right at me, I let her die- led her there… I don’t know if I can do this.