i changed my bed sheets when you left

you got on the coach
and i went home

   and changed my bed sheets

i wanted to burn them but
i loved them more than i
loved you

  so i washed them
and hung them out to dry

while they dried
     i watched the sky and wondered

which plane overhead
you were in by  now

since then
i've been to many of the places we visited

        together

places that were special to me
that i shared with you

i wish i hadn't
     i wish i hadn't shared me
with you

it's hard

trying to erase you
from those places now   places i love

home

so i visited them again
on my own      and now
the last time i was there
i was alone

i wanted to burn them but  
i loved them more than i
loved you

so i looked up at the blue sky
above my rolling yellow cornfield

and smiled that you were
so many miles away


but you still haven't let go
still watching         me
while you
go **** people

husbands and their wives
laughs



i wish i didn't share my sky with you
i wish you hadn't felt my
                 sunshine on your face
     hadn't known my love
my skin
    my cornfield
my bed sheets



i miss the me that i was
before you

she's in here

somewhere

you wouldn't recognise me now
i've lost 20 pounds
cut my hair
moved out of town
tore my skin
erased you from my life
poured ashes into my heart
bleached my eyes
purged my soul
grew a beard
*******
stop looking for me
i'm tired of hiding

it wasn't that he didn't
love (me)
he loved
(me)
but not with love
did he
love
(me)
he loved (me)
with hands
and words
loved (me) with weight
loved (me) with want
and need
with hand-me-down
pleasures

he consumed
immeasurably
(me)


despoiling
what (love)
really (is)

"You're crying again..."
"Am i?? ... sorry..."
"Stop saying sorry..."
"But i am..."
"Well don't be.. you don't need to be..... here, take this.."
"What is it?..."
"Vallium... "
"What? like .. like the Pidgeon film??"
"No you idiot that's Valliant.. this is Vallium... like the drug that stops you from shaking"
"I'm not shakein.. looks at my hands oh look.. i am, look at my hands ... ****"
"i know sighs you're whole body is shaking, i might put you in the bath with the washing, half an hour and you'd have even the whites clean"
"shut up that's not... spills drink while taking a sip true.."
"really?? take your drugs you ******.."
"you're a terrible doctor"
"good thing i'm not a doctor then.."
smiles
...
...
"Here have a tissue..."
"What for??"
"You're crying again..."

"hay lets be in a relationship..."
"no I'm good.."
"no really, we'd be so great together.."
"I'm sure you think that, but honestly, its not something..."
"no.. no listen, I think..."
"okay but I'm.. I'm not ready... I'm trying to get myself togeth...."
"no I've got this, we will be together and I will help you..."
"what??... I can't, I'm not well enough to commit to...."
"you don't have to, I will help you..."
"I know but I'm not well, mentally...  I'm not emotionally..."
"I understand you before you say anything, I will carry you, I will be your protection"
"I can't do this, its too heavy.."
"I will carry you"
"I'm scared..."
"and I will help you"
"I cant do this..."
"yes you can, I'm here for you"
"I've been through too much, I haven't healed, I need therap...."
"I will be your therapy, I understand you"
"I don't know...."
"think about it. I love you"
"I can't...."
"I have love enough for us both.."
"I don't, I'm not ready, I ..... I ...."
"I love you, you are wonderful"
"I'm not, I'm damaged, i feel broken.. inside.."
"I can fix you, help you, love you. Don't you want that?"
"...."
"......"
"I do but..."
"then lets give it a try, lets give us a try.. yes?"
"I'm not..."
"yes you are, you are ready, I love you..."
"you do?..."

and that's the story of how i became buggered past retrieval