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Jan 19 · 94
Heartbreaker
Deb Jones Jan 19
A little glance into a torrid, tumultuous affair of the heart

I am FaceTiming with a young relative.

Me: what are you doing?

J: (just turned 4)
I am just writing a note

Me: What about?

J: I am breaking up with  
Kira. (She is his 6 year old cousin)

Then he just pops a colored note in front of the camera that has a heart on it with a line going through it.

Me: I didn’t know you and    
Kira were bf/gf

J: welllllllll, since about 5 months.

Which I know is not true. He doesn’t understand time yet so I believe this all happened over Christmas vacation.

Me: J. say it nice to Kira.

J: wellll, she really wants to hug me all the time, even when I make faces at her.
So I am going back to my wife. I will just love Kira like a cousin again.

His wife is Zoe and is Kira’s 10 year old sister.
He wholeheartedly expects to be wed to Zoe when he grows up at 12

It was so very hard to stay somewhat expressionless.

I hope all ends well.

Btw: I did call both sets of parents
Jan 1 · 112
Hurt
Deb Jones Jan 1
I loved you then
I love you still
Time and distance
Hasn’t given me perspective

My heart still hurts for us
I know you remarried
I know you are doing fine
You survived me

I know you don't understand
How I could leave you
While I continued
To say "I love you"

I reread your love letters today
I touched the tearstains you left
There was nothing wrong with you
There was nothing to fix

We rarely fought
We rarely raised our voices
To one another
I was the one who walked away

I was the one that hurt us all
Oh what I would give
To change it all back
Not to just rewrite history

But to have all I had then
I miss your smell
I miss your kindnesses
I miss your nurturing soul

Oh, how I broke us
I made you cry
My strong decent man
My husband

It won't help you
To know
After all these years
I cry for you still

You said that you were wrong
Not to tell me everything all along
You said I needed the words
I didn't need poetry

But you, you were perfectly fine
I knew your heart
And you knew mine
You really did know mine

It felt like velcro
Ripping my heart away from you
Almost like we were super-glued
And still I left all those pieces with you

You are a beautiful man
A loving, beautiful man
May God always rock you
In his tender, healing hands

I will never call another man husband
That title was just yours
Please forgive me
Give me surcease from this emotional storm
Dec 2019 · 246
Someday
Deb Jones Dec 2019
My mother came to live with me
In the not so long ago

My family and friends
Looked at her

With her baskets
Her boxes of paints

And reacted to this tiny
Wizened woman as if she had
Just crossed a savanna
And wanted to trade
Berries and  nuts
For sugar and coffee
Or barter beaded art work
Or furs she skinned herself
For a fast food meal

I loved my mom.
They all loved her too.
She was delightfully droll
And had no filters
But her words were ever kind
I know I will see her again
Someday, someway
Dec 2019 · 141
The Hum
Deb Jones Dec 2019
My kitchen is the heartbeat
Of my home
Its where everyone comes
They sit around the breakfast table
Using all twelve chairs
Trying to squeeze a few more in
Here and there
Everyone trying to outtalk
Everyone else
Punctuated by frequent
Loud laughter
The remember whens...
The kids playing in the den
Content to be on their own
My kitchen is the heartbeat
We all take comfort in its hum
Dec 2019 · 75
58 Facets
Deb Jones Dec 2019
I am faceted like a cut diamond
Contradicted and neglected
But I still shine

Sometimes I am morose
Full of myself, a fool
But I still shine

Sometimes I am quiet
Introspectively turned inward
But I still shine

Sometimes I am quirky
Some will say flacky
But I still shine

Sometimes I love everyone
Even the ones that don't love me
But I still shine

Sometimes I cry
For no other reason than being alive
But I still shine

When I am sparkling
None sees my mask
But I still shine

Sometimes I give of myself
So much theres nothing left of me
But I still shine

When its night
I compete with the stars
But I still shine

Most of the time
I am just me
Look how brightly I shine then

I am so much more
58 facets, in fact
All reflected back at you
Look how bright you think I shine

Am I real?
Dec 2019 · 197
Sun Bath
Deb Jones Dec 2019
I want to lie naked
On a blanket
In a field of flowers
Feel the warmth of the sun
Feel the coolness of a breeze
Letting the slight wind
Lift my hair
I raise my face to the sun
Eyes closed
The breeze is touching me
Everywhere
My whole body feels bathed
The breeze feels like fingers
Caressing
My ******* feel heavy
My ******* are hard
The breeze still wants more
Letting my legs open slightly
Then slightly more
I give to the sun
And make the moon envious
Dec 2019 · 89
Eternity
Deb Jones Dec 2019
When I enter my final sleep
Thats where we'll meet
Come and take my hand
Guide me home, love
In just a minute I'll be there
Brushing back your hair
Look for me
I will be looking for you
Wait for me
See where our heaven leads
A simple little house
Its not too much to ask
No need to hide
No need to lock the door
We've earned our time
To spend it how we please
I will fall asleep in your arms
You will fall asleep in mine
The moon will look so big
As we sit in that old wood swing
Holding hands
With my head on your shoulder
No more heartache
No more regrets
No more pretending
what we have now is enough
No more sharing with others
No more tears will be shed
No more hurting anyone
If I go before you
I will set the table for two
For I can't imagine eternity
Without you
Dec 2019 · 118
I believe in soulmates
Deb Jones Dec 2019
There are plenty of soulmates
For each one of us
I clique with so many people
Someone who laughs with me
When no one else sees the humor
Thats a soulmate
Someone that shares my pain
The pain I keep hidden
Thats a soulmate
Someone that comforts me
When no one else can
Thats a soulmate
Someone who listens to me
While I listen back
Thats a soulmate
Someone that carries my secrets
While I carry theirs
Thats a soulmate
Anyone that touches my heart
While I take root in theirs
Thats a soulmate
It doesn't matter the gender
It doesn't matter the age
A soulmate is a soulmate
In a variety of ways
Lets not limit ourselves
Dec 2019 · 112
Voodoo
Deb Jones Dec 2019
In 1999/2000? I took, what I thought was going to be a fun, artsy class, in a little gem and rock store.

I collect gems. Most of the gems I have were smuggled out of Africa in the bellies of ceramic Buddhas. Gold big bellied Buddhas.

The irony of this should not be missed.....

Black Buddhist missionaries introduced Buddhism to China, Japan and other countries.

So in the Asian countries that practice Buddhism the Buddha they worship is jet black with negroid hair. Some even have dreadlocks.

So I love gems and visited the store a handful of times.

I saw a flyer promoting a class about the art of making a voodoo doll to rid yourself of "ill feelings" towards others. At the conclusion of the class we were supposed to leave the doll with a supposed witch, that for an extra fee, would put a spell on the doll.

After reading the flyer I was ALL IN!
How exciting! I didn't believe in voodoo or spells. Didn't one belief cross out the other anyway?

So I took the 2 evening class. On consecutive Wednesday nights.

And right from the beginning I found it hard to be as serious as the other ladies were. There were 7 of us.

And me being the clown I always am... Saying things like "all my ill feelings had to do with men so I was putting a ***** on my string voodoo doll." It would have been easy to make a short 3rd leg. So we were all laughing and the instructor said something to the effect of I "needed to take the class more serious as your mood would affect the doll." I should have told her I WANTED a happy doll.
Apparently me naming my doll juju and talking to the doll as I made him was also frowned upon.

So the reason the classes were over the course of 2 week nights was because we were supposed to gather things that belonged to the people we had ill feelings toward.

I truly had fun that week between the 2 classes. I told people what I was doing and my family and friends were happy to help me out.

At that time I only had one person I would have hexed with curses. I am a happy hater. It wasn't possible to gather anything from her.

So my loved ones were giving me hair samples, arm dandruff (which I totally made up, but swore the baggy had flakes in it). One offered toe nail clippings but that just grossed me. I asked one for a tooth (as the ultimate score and also I sincerely believe that the instructor would be proud of me, I am such a **** up) He refused. I had one guy lick a stamp. p

Oh! And the not so surprising thing is I only had males contribute. Again, people I loved.

So the next class. I started out being in a great mood. I had the list of people I collected body samples from. Only to be told that we were only supposed to collect one sample and that to be from someone I disliked.

So, after that reprimand and my joke about the woman that brought dried flecks of milk from her boyfriends glass of morning milk...
Which looked like ***** to me. And after the women quit laughing and catching the instructors frowns at me...I gave up on trying to make a good impression. For gawds sake. She acted like the dolls were really going to work.

So the latter part of the class when we inserted the body DNA samples and which out of stubbornness I refused to thin out the ball of stuff I had and by the way looked like a fur ball a cat coughed up, my juju had a rounded tummy.

So now we get to the end of the second class. We were told to label the dolls with our names and with the name of the person we were wanting to rid ourselves of the ill feelings towards. The witch would need the names.

By this time the mood was more somber.

And I am going to be honest. I really don't believe in voodoo or witches...but what if?

My life has been filled and lived with  
"What ifs"
Sometimes it makes me a better person. Sometimes it makes me hesitate. So I don't close the door completely on anything.

And my what ifs kicked in. I told the instructor I didn't want extra blessings on juju. If I did I would bring him back. And yes. I used the word blessings.

I took my doll home. And out of fear.  I kinda joke about this part. But really out of fear, I lined a shoebox with tissue paper and after making him a small bed...I laid juju to rest.

Now here is the real curse part. I can tell the story of juju. But I can never let anyone touch him.

From the day I boxed him up I have believed I am protecting the loved ones I got samples from. That if anyone holds or harms him, even jokingly, then I will be responsible for causing someone harm.

15 years and counting.....
Dec 2019 · 76
Testicular Fortitude
Deb Jones Dec 2019
Little wrinkled bags
Oh, how some sag

Contrary to popular belief
Not all are "High and tight"
Some sadly sag to mid thigh

Some men shouldn't wear shorts
That are too loose around the leg

When they squat
A ******* may plop

I've seen it happen
The man, unaware
Talking to a child
He was wearing little running shorts

He was squatting
And one ******* fell out
Hitting the cold tile floor
He immediately stood,
And headed for the door

The ******* did protrude
With a lively bounce on his thigh
As it danced with his stride

My eyes were riveted
I know.
It was rude
But in my defense

Being a medical provider
I saw the poor constricted
...Thing possibly turning purple.

I wanted to yell...
Hey Mister!
Need some help?

Like a fin on the water
I wondered about what lay beneath.

Was it a covered behemoth
Beneath his loose runner shorts
Covering a majestic treasure?

Which led me to another thought
How could he run and control all that?

Did they swing back and forth?
Propelling him forward?
Like a peg leg on an unfortunate soul.

I have talked to them before
Although I have never smoked
I talk in a 2 pack a day,
30 year disguised gravelly voice

Talking to them like they are soldiers. Up close and personal.

"Get in there, buck up, follow through, take one for the team...." Yes, at times I drift into football lingo.

Why do I do this? I wonder.

After I have this awkward conversation.
I don't make eye contact for the remaining duration.

Men want women to take both testicles in her mouth
Roll them around before spitting them out

Do you think we look like squirrels?
Filling our cheeks with nuts for the coming winter?

I have perfected the look
When I first see a man naked

Hands to my cheeks
My eyes opened wide

I exclaim in excitement
"Is all THAT for me??
This is pure satire. I did see a gentleman squat to talk to a toddler and see everything fall out the leg of his short shorts. I don't think anyone else noticed and I swear I didn't laugh until he was out of earshot. AND I have only seen one man with testicles to his mid thighs. He was 90 years old and naked. Running away from me down a hospital corridor.
Dec 2019 · 71
Just Breathe
Deb Jones Dec 2019
I woke up
With all of you
Rolodexing through my mind
I got dressed with trepidation
Trembling and weak
Not allowing me to explain me
I knew my actions
Were going to hurt others
Multiple others
How did my life
Decades now
Become a vehicle
That carries so many people
How has other’s desires
Become so physically heavy
That I feel
Only I can make them whole
How am I so pulled
In so many directions
When every arrival
And departure
Is not even about me
And everyone knows
It's not subtle or secret
So every direction
Is a slap in the face
To everyone else
I don't feel empowered
I don't feel I have choices
The expectations
Are smothering me


Do you know what I desire?
To step away, close the door
Breathe

This is all my fault
No lines were ever drawn
Dec 2019 · 92
Please Understand
Deb Jones Dec 2019
Sometimes my writing is without discretion
I post without thought
With no trigger warnings
A tempest in a teapot
Quickly thought
Hastily penned
Please forgive me
If it offends
My posts are stark sometimes. They even make me flinch.
If you met me face to face I am full of bubbly laughter and irreverent speech.
You never really know someone completely, do you?
Dec 2019 · 96
Father, Brother
Deb Jones Dec 2019
You asked me to make you coffee
I brought it to you
You were lying naked on the bed
Oh father, father
Trembling, I fled

You asked me to read to you
We were laying on our parents bed
I was so pleased, so flattered
I worshipped you
You lay your head on my shoulder
And while I read outloud
Your hands wandered
I was still with shock
Oh brother, brother
Trembling, I fled

The smell of coffee makes me ill
The Alfred Hitchcock story
I never read

You molded me
Both of you
Oh father, father
I still love you
Oh, brother, brother
I still love you

I tell myself
I understand you
I tell myself it's ok
I forgive you

Oh father, brother
You both pretend

You fought anyone that hurt me
Your anger palpable and heavy

I was owned
I was loved as a receptacle

I can separate
You from your wandering hands
I can separate you from
The hot ***** on my back

I have to look beyond you
I think I have accepted it

Yet, here I am crying as I write this
Dec 2019 · 141
Choices
Deb Jones Dec 2019
I first listened to this at least 15 years ago
Its not pretty
Its actually painful to hear
But please listen to it with an open mind
This gritty reality check piece of art
Will leave you reeling.
Please have the courage to listen to the whole piece.
The artist is Bobby Gaylor and the piece is titled "Suicide"



Animals don't have a choice.
If they're not happy with their place in the world too bad.
They have to live the life they've been given.
Humans, on the other hand, don't have to.
We have a choice.
If you don't like your place in the world, you can get off anytime you want.
Suicide. That's right.
You don't like the way your life's going,
You don't like the way you are in the world,
Anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.
Animals aren't allowed that thought
And believe me, if they were, they would use it.
There'd be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by *******
That live in high-rises, diving out the windows.
Zebras if they even had remotely that thought
Would take a look at themselves and go, "What the ****!"
Black & white in a green & brown world this blows.
I'm just gonna jump in the river
I don't have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife
Or even open a jar of pills.
I'm just gonna dive into the next lion's mouth.
Why even bother?"
Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb
So they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.
Now, there's a bunch of people that say,
"Oh, it's against the law".
Well, it's only against the law if you do a ****** job and get caught.
Other people say, "Oh, we should save them".
Yeah, well you know what?
Not everybody wants to be saved.
Not everybody should be saved.
And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn't that one of the joys about being a human?
Freedom of choice?
Now, it's not all bad.
Now, I'm not saying "**** yourself".
But if you're gonna be an idiot and do it anyway,
It's no sweat off of my back.
There's a lot of good that could come from it.
A little bit of bad thrown in.
Some of the things:
A job will open
An apartment will become available
There'll be more air for me
They say there's two girls for every guy - if you're a man, there'll be four chicks for me
There'll be more Ketel One ***** for me
There'll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their ******* slips filled out
I won't ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips
And have the clerk point at you and say, "They bought the last bag"
You won't help change the McDonald's sign to a Hundred Billion Served
You'll never get AIDS
You won't have to worry about calories ever
No more, "Hey, does this make me look fat?"
There'll be one less polluting human
You won't have to recycle
There'll be one less car on the road
There'll be more Ring Dings for me
Fifty or so chickens' lives will be spared
Your fingers won't ever get red from eating pistachios
You won't be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore
No more church
You'll be saying, "Hey, World - Kiss My ***!"
No more wet dreams about Supermodels
No more Barry Manilow
Not for a few years anyway
Wondering "Am I a loser?" will be a thing of the past
Say good-bye to ****** Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles
You won't have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion
**** flossing and brushing
You'll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare
Adios, acne
Worrying whether you fit in or not won't be on your brain
See ya later, homework
You'll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park
School's out forever
No more paying bills
You won't have to do chores
You won't be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though
You'll also miss McDonald's French Fries
Bugs Bunny
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time
You won't be able to watch the letterbox director's cut of Jaws
Candy
Living above ground
Pudding crust
You'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to
"*******! I gotta make my own mistakes, you did"
You'll miss *** you'll miss thinking about it, looking for it,
*** by yourself, *** with a partner, *** with multiple partners
No more summer nights that seem to go on forever roller coasters
Naming your kid the name you always wanted
Making a difference in the world
You'll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics
Watching your neighbor's wife change clothes with her blinds open
A lifetime of *******
Watching your favorite team sweep the series
Music, you will definitely miss music
Trying to sneak into your house drunk three hours past your curfew
You'll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks
The taste of Captain Crunch
If you're a boy, you'll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl's shirt
If you're a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy's pants
You'll miss your favorite coat
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries
Beating your friends at video games
You won't be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be
You'll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love - thirty years after the fact
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas
Skinny dipping
Getting ******, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin
Flying cars
Hey, you were born, finish what you started!
Bobby Gaylor "Suicide"

I exchanged emails with this artist for many years. On a road well traveled.

I hope you  find the Same exhilaration in the music and the words that I did.
I could never listen to this with anyone else at the same time. It felt too personal.
Nov 2019 · 220
BattleScars
Deb Jones Nov 2019
Ever scar I have
Tells the story
Of everywhere I have been
Of what I have survived
They cannot lie
I am not ashamed
Of even one
The were all hard won
Testament of my strength
Nov 2019 · 157
Surprise!
Deb Jones Nov 2019
I am my own Secret Santa
With Ambien and Amazon
A friend just sent me this.
I always shock myself at how well I know me
And rarely return medicated induced purchases
Nov 2019 · 148
Be Kind
Deb Jones Nov 2019
The kindest people,
The most sincerely goodhearted
Are the ones that are kind
Even when others aren't
Looking and judging
Nov 2019 · 98
Rain Dance
Deb Jones Nov 2019
When I was a child
In North Carolina
The humidity was so thick
You could almost catch handfuls of it

I loved the summer rains
Heavy waterfalls
On the blacktop and dry dirt
Petrichor

We would play in the rivers
Formed in the dirt
Narrow gorges and revines
It was wonderful

Still makes me meloncholy
Now I live on the west coast
With no significant rainfall
I miss that part of my childhood

But I have never forgotten the smell

It is deeply profound to me
Those cherished memories
Of dancing in the rain
Upturned face, eyes closed

Now I hide from rain
As if I would melt like sugar
If one drop touched me

I think I am going
To dance again
For the child in me
Nov 2019 · 128
Texting
Deb Jones Nov 2019
Three opportunities
To change your mind about a text
While typing
While reading a completed text
While hitting send

Time enough to stop
Your aching fingers
As you pound the letters
On your phone

Time enough to reread
To question your vitriolic words
Time to say things differently
Make a revision

Before hitting send
Another opportunity to desist
But you want to send arrows
Caught up in the emotions

You graduated from college
You paid to attend
To learn what words mean
Why waste that education
Nov 2019 · 118
Sailing With The Moon
Deb Jones Nov 2019
Around the earth
Through the MilkyWay

Sailing through nebulas
The beautiful swirl of colors

Like luminous ink
Spilled by a carefree hand

The moon is setting sail
On a sea of stars

Deeply profound
Tears flood my eyes

Who doesn't believe in God
When he paints the sky

Every night
Just for us
Nov 2019 · 701
Women
Deb Jones Nov 2019
Don't ever underestimate
A woman's insight
Never undervalue,
Never fail to appreciate
The woman by your side
Nov 2019 · 62
I Miss Us
Deb Jones Nov 2019
I miss the way you laugh
Your head thrown back
And a hearty bellow
Full of mirth
I miss that

I miss the way you whispered in my ear
The sweet music of your voice
Pulling me into sleep
Wrapped in your arms
I miss that so much

I miss your voice
So intelligent and wordy
I would gather your words in my arms
Like bouquets
I miss that too

I miss the way you walk
So sweetly quiet
Making the smallest carbon footstep
With your size 13 shoe
I miss that

I miss your smile
That starts at the edges of your mouth
And ends with a sweet smile

I miss the pleasure I felt when I made you grin

I miss your touch
The loving sweep of your hand along the curve of my hip
The way we start off making love and end up having ***
I miss that

I miss your smell
That citrusy one
The way you smelled of sunshine and wind
After going outside
I would bury my face in your shirt or coat
I miss that so much

Most of all I miss us
The way we loved each other
We were a circle of two
And no one could break us

Yet they did
We thought we were invincible
No one could break our bond
We were wrong.

I miss you.
Nov 2019 · 100
Growing up
Deb Jones Nov 2019
As a child
We live the life given to us

As an adult
We live the life we made for us

As a Senior
I think we again live the life given to us
I am not a senior yet. May the last line have little value later in my life.
Nov 2019 · 52
The past
Deb Jones Nov 2019
We think the past is past
But believe a place can hold memories
We believe in hallowed grounds
We know places that calm or excite us

The past does not simply die away
It haunts the very ground we stand upon
If you are still and quiet enough
you can feel it
Old ruins
Old estates
Alone in the woods
The echoes quietly,
Fade away
But they
never go
completely
Silent

Last year I stood in the places
my ancestors walked.
It was beautifully surreal
Nov 2019 · 51
Rules Of Parenthood
Deb Jones Nov 2019
Every parent needs to speak
These words to their child
Every opportunity, take the time

I love you
I'm proud of you
I trust you
I'm sorry
Be kind
I forgive you
I respect you
I'm listening
This is your responsibility
You can do this
Let your voice be heard
Don't nibble before dinner
Mistakes happen
Always be honest
Keep your promises
Not everyone will like you
Cultivate friends
Be the friend you want others to be
Be courageous
Give your pet a forever home
Always wear clean underwear
Think before you speak
Nov 2019 · 63
See You Soon
Deb Jones Nov 2019
Her eyes are limpid pools of green
Mysterious as any other human being
Bottomless, and serene
Yet
Staring into her eyes
I could see
She didn't seem to harbor
Dreams, fears, ambitions or hope
But, as I watched, she focused on me
And her eyes began to fill with light
And dancing laughter
There she is, I thought
Welcome back.
I smiled and so did she
Her eyes smiled the most
I leaned forward to kiss her cheek
She leaned forward to kiss mine
We both left lipstick on the mirror
Same time tomorrow?
Nov 2019 · 307
Water Sports
Deb Jones Nov 2019
I once danced the waltz
With a loving man
In the surf at midnight
On a beach
In Saint Augustine
Under a beautiful full moon
I can still feel the tug
Of the water on my thighs
As the tide ebbed and flowed

I once bathed in the waters
Of a nudist hotsprings
In Napa Valley
The directions included
"Turn left at the third gnarly tree
Then follow the path
A quarter mile in"
Little signs discreetly posted
"No ***. Please be respectful"

I once hiked to a secluded cove
Where male elephant seals
Filled the beach below
Roaring their battle cries
For the females
Circling in the bay
Waiting to see which male
Won the chance
To mate with them that season

I once sat on a boat deck
While most people slept
I was wrapped in a blanket
I took from the cabin
Other than the occasional
Meandering stroller
Murmuring hello in the dark
The sky held a faint pink sunrise
Before I uncoiled for breakfast

I once waded in the surf in low tide
To a shallow cavern
Just visible from the beach side
I hurriedly made my way
Towards the slice of shadow
Carved by the ancient sea
The most beautiful sight
Filled with thousands of starfish
Every color imaginable
Nov 2019 · 68
Low Deal
Deb Jones Nov 2019
you should never make deals
with the devil
he has no honor
and will never abide
by the terms of the contract
Nov 2019 · 109
My Door
Deb Jones Nov 2019
I painted a door today
The frame was beige
The door was inset
Faded and cracked blue
The shadows, a green-gray
The **** was old brass
The many hands
That have twisted that ****
Had worn it down
To a greenish patina

I painted in a path to the door
A narrow walk that curved
As it led to the steps
I filled the path with large
Embedded grayish stones
Moss grew in the small areas
Surrounding the flat rocks
I could almost feel
The sunbaked warmth
Underneath my shoeless feet

I painted in wildflowers
Tangled together
The bright hues
Looked so inviting
Especially the bluish purple
Lavender that grew wild
I could almost hear the wind
Shaking the lavender in a small breeze
I could almost smell
Lavender and sweet mint

Ahh, but the door
Waiting to be opened
Placing my hand on the ****
Where so many others
Have placed theirs
Eager to see whats on the other side
Maybe I will just place my palm
On the door
Hesitating a moment to look
Until I can paint that part too.
The thing I love most about painting is the way I can paint my life. As I want it to be
Nov 2019 · 370
Permission
Deb Jones Nov 2019
I have been so restless.
Which made me rather reckless.
Maybe I should apologise now.

Is it better to ask for forgiveness
After the fact?
Or ask for permission before I act?
Nov 2019 · 126
The Sea Calls To Me
Deb Jones Nov 2019
I am so restless
EverytIme I drive
Everytime my foot is on the gas peddle
And I start down my mountain
I want to forget
The appointments
The obligations
The shopping
Visiting anyone
I want to bypass all the exits
And just drive
Just keep driving
My heart longs for something
It makes me feel meloncholy
Homesick for something
But I don't know definitively
What that something is
Just the feeling of missing
Something that is part of me
Its rare I go to the sea alone
I think...
I will hurt so many feelings
To be so selfish
But I believe its what I need
Running away?
Just a few days
Pausing my life
Shouldn't be so hard
I just need to be hollowed out
Rejuvenated by the salt laden wind
The wet sand beneath my feet
The crash of the waves
Seeing the beautiful light
Through the funnel
The approaching wave makes
Wishing I could paint the moment
Lifting my arms up to embrace it all
All of it renewing me
So people can start filling me up again When I go home

I sincerely believe
That although the sea is beckoning me
A short trip away
What I fear is
I go there
Reset my soul
And may forget the road home
Nov 2019 · 381
In Your Head
Deb Jones Nov 2019
I love the way you think
I read your words
And take a walk in your head
I feel like you know me
That your words have described me
Fleshed me out
Exposed me
Excised me...yet
Understood me
The excitement of knowing
That there are people
That think like me
Is invigorating
And as I gulp your words
Like I am a fish
And you are my water
I fall in love
With you all
More than a little bit
Nov 2019 · 71
Let’s take a walk
Deb Jones Nov 2019
This is a fun and significantly insightful guided imagery that I have done with groups throughout the years.

Don't read anyone else's post before you start this. It may feel like you have to answer a certain way. And that is unfair to you.

Find a quiet place before you read the questions.
Answer the questions one after the other without pausing.

I will ask you 6 questions.
Answer the first thing that pops in your head. This is the most important part. If you linger or think about your answer it really changes the outcome. Most importantly, there are no right or wrong answers. If you feel you are thinking too much about an answer, think back and write what you remember your first response was. That is the correct answer for you.

Post all your responses to the 6 questions in one post. After you post your response feel free to read through other people's posts.

Let's start with a walk through the forest.

As you approach the forest you see a path through the trees.
Question 1. What does the path look like. Describe the trees, the light, how does it make you feel? Etc... whatever pops into your head first.

As you travel along your path you see a cup lying on the ground.
Question 2. What does the cup look like? What do you do with it? How does it make you feel? Etc...

Continuing on the path you see a key lying on the path.
Question 3. What does it look like. What do you do with it? How does it make you feel? Etc...

As you walk further into the forest you see a body of water.
Question 4. What does it look like. What do you do? How does it make you feel? Etc...

As you leave the body of water and continue your walk you suddenly see a bear on your path.
Question 5. What is the bear doing? What do you do? What do you feel? Etc...

After you meet the bear you continue your walk.
You see a wall.
Question 6. What does the wall look like. What do you do? How do you feel? Etc...

I will post a response in 3 days.

Thank you for participating!
I have done this with individuals, small groups, large groups. Adults and teens. Only a few times as an online-response. I hope it’s ok to do a post like this.~Deb
Oct 2019 · 99
Basking
Deb Jones Oct 2019
Every day in the warm months
I take off all my clothes
Walk to a corner of my yard
And lay in a hammock
Facing the sun

Rejuvenating me
Until I feel almost boneless
I feel so free
So wanton
Knowing no one knows but me

Well...
Even though I warn people
Two have caught me
One with a “waahooo” from a hillside
One with a “I forgot” apology.
While he stood and stared
Oct 2019 · 1.1k
Masks
Deb Jones Oct 2019
I wear many masks
Interchangeable facades

I have one for everyone in my life
Slipping one off while readying
the next one I will be donning

For everyone standing in line
There’s a mask for each one of you

The friendship mask
The lover mask
The mother mask
The sister mask
The daughter mask
The matriarch mask
The physician mask
The patient mask
The money giving mask
The favored aunt mask
The “I’m listening” mask
The “Is that ALL for me?”mask
So many more

We all wear masks.
My challenge is keeping them in place.
And keeping them orderly

I don’t wear masks
to be deceitful
I wear them to be approachable
Even at my own expense

Are masks just more facets of who we are?
Oct 2019 · 311
Let it be
Deb Jones Oct 2019
Know me, The crux of understanding me

Whispering a plea
Let it be, let it be

See me, look at me

Whispering a plea
Let it be, let it be

Speak to me, talk to me

Whispering a plea
Let it be, let it be

Hear me, listen to me

Whispering a plea
Let it be, let it be

Hold me, don’t let go of me

Whispering a plea
Let it be, let it be

Keep me, please keep me

Whispering a plea
Let it be, let it be

Love me, forever love me

Whispering a plea
Let it be, let it be

Love me, please don’t hurt me

Whispering a plea
Let it be, let it be

Please, let it be me
How many of us wish for the same?
Oct 2019 · 430
Smile, please
Deb Jones Oct 2019
I knew I couldn’t stay
I told you so from the beginning
I wanted to leave you smiling
At the memory of me
For the rest of your life
Please remember me fondly
Oct 2019 · 78
Every Time
Deb Jones Oct 2019
I will never forget
The scent of you

As if you were a sieve
That dropped little bits
Of the potpourri of your life
Leaving memories for me

Your hair
In the Summer
It smelled of Sunshine
In the Winter
It smelled of Wind

Your neck
I buried my face as you giggled
Clean and sweet
The soapy smells of your childhood

You wore them so well

Your hands
Cupping flowers
My hands cupping yours
As I leaned down to sniff

But wait...

I want to tell you the truth
I lied

And it weighs heavy on my mind
Here it is...

Every time I helped put your shoes on or took them off?

Your feet smelled. Like Fritos
Overpoweringly smelled
I had to hold my breath
While smiling as if I was constipated

I know.
What a crazy lie that was perpetrated
by my love for you.

But Oh, God.
Your beautiful little chubby feet
Remember to wear socks.
That will help.
Sep 2019 · 117
Fireflies
Deb Jones Sep 2019
I once lived in the land of fireflies
Watching as they hemmed irregular seams of light in the dark.

Inspiration to the imagination

As a child I would wait
every evening for the magic of them

The minutes between
Fading light and near dark
The Gloaming time
Twilight time

As dark approached
even the adult voices
would drop to a murmur.

All artificial light was turned off

The heady mix of muted children’s laughter
The soft anticipation

The synchronized bright glows
Suddenly appearing
That would begin the dance anew
The trails an iridescent, luminous hue

The synchronized pauses
Waiting for a response

The slightly moist edges of the deep forests of the Appalachia
The large meadows of country homes

The tall damp grass that clung to my legs as I ran to meet them
Hearing my siblings running with me

Spinning in circles
In the middle of their small lights
Cupping them in my hands
My palms would glow

Even after I let them go

I would pretend they were fairies
Sprinkled in stardust
It was a magical time

So full of promise
Mystery
Contentment

Repeated every night for the first few months of summer
It was such a magical time
Sep 2019 · 476
Chirp
Deb Jones Sep 2019
He was a hungry baby bird.
I came with the eyedropper of attention.
Sep 2019 · 185
Loose Ends
Deb Jones Sep 2019
I was at a loose end this week
Loose end...
A term used by most women
Overwhelmed by the responsibilities
That we live our lives by
The small tasks I see
Everywhere around me
I go into one room and pick up something
Carry it to another room and see, Something else out of place
In this way I travel in loops
Throughout my home
Overwhelmed by the weight
Of all the little things I do
A life where I fall into bed
At the end of the day
Exhausted by being all things to all people

I have used this analogy most of my adult life...

How do you eat a bear?
One bite at a time
            ~Indian proverb
Sep 2019 · 88
Fault lines
Deb Jones Sep 2019
You rocked me,
Sliding your leg between mine
Danced with me
You made my world move

Like a fault line
Beneath our feet
Spreading slowly to swallow me

You made love to me
In your bed
My shivers of pleasure
Followed the path your hand led

Like an open fissure
Fault lines on the floor
Getting wider, I feel its pull

I shattered with pleasure
And yet you refused to stop
You wanted to see how far
You could take me

While I felt your small pants
Of breath tickling my ear
Taking me away from my silly fears
Still dancing with me

Yet, I had fault lines in my heart
Worlds and words apart

I cherished you
I still do

Can I say it’s me not you?
Can I use that old cliche?
What a well used platitude

Fault lines...
Sep 2019 · 95
Be Kind
Deb Jones Sep 2019
Sometimes words can be empty
Useless, flippantly or carelessly cruel.
They can never be truly forgotten
Or forgiven if it is focused on you
Although the one that caused the pain
Will forget the words in minutes.
We tell ourselves that we will let go too.
But, we remember the words
That cut into our heart.
It entered through
That ***** that is never completely closed Because its narrow opening
Is constantly searching for light
And happiness.
Because of these careless words
Our very psyche, our spirit is damaged.
It causes us to doubt ourselves.
To search our heart for hidden faultlines
It’s hard to bite our tongue
Tell someone to just stop.
Just stop.
Right at the point they open their mouth And you see their tongue move to utter something that will live in your heart.
In that moment.
Just to be able to say stop
And have no repercussions.
How much kinder the world would be
Aug 2019 · 252
Let Me Disabuse You
Deb Jones Aug 2019
As I crawled away
I could hear you crying
The hitch of your breath
As you tried to make sense
Of something senseless

I stopped  
And started crawling to you
Like every other time
Blood dripping down my chin

I wrapped my arms around you
To comfort you
I said I needed to go to the hospital
You had kicked me in the temple again

We quickly came up with
An improbable story
One that had nothing to do with reality

Our hospital was small
Everyone knew me by name
I could feel their eyes on me
Tracing the bruises shaped
like boot prints on my back

They called the police
But I wouldn’t talk
Just looked away as they offered
Empty promises of protecting me

I frustrated them
I swallowed my words
Because...
You sat in the car
Waiting for me
Holding our child

And you were the only family I had

Do you want to know why
I finally ran?

We were in the car
And I changed the radio station
And you...

Oh, so casually said
I was going to get it
when we got home

There was none
Of the uncontrollable rage
That I pinned my ideals on
That I was saving you from

We got home an hour later
And you methodically
Closed all the drapes

Hit me a few times while I stood
Against the wall in the kitchen
Ground zero for most of my pain

Your heart wasn’t in it
Your eyes not enraged
Just distant
Everything was perfunctory
Each of us playing out
Our assigned roles

Seven years
For seven years
I molded and created a monster
While you, just a boy
Lost your morale compass

I tried to save you
While drowning myself

I was a little girl
when I married you
Manipulative
Manipulated
The way children do

There was no down time
I was hypervigilant
Exhausted, trying to keep up
With your mercurial ways

Punishing myself for a simple
Forgetful moment that set you off

I wasn’t allowed to read
While you were around
You tore the last chapters from my books
That was the greatest injustice of all.
Funny, isn’t it?

All the physical, mental and ****** abuse
It was my escapism I missed most
You were jealous of anything that I did
That wasn’t about you.

I had to go to bed when you did
Even when my mom and sisters visited and waited in the other room

If I could slide out of bed
Without waking you
I felt accomplished

If you woke I had to stifle the cries
As you buried your hand
Deep in my hair
Shaking me like a stuffed animal
For daring to disturb you

Why did my mom allow that?
The one time I went to her
She sent me back to you
Saying it was my bed to lay in
When it was really her
That first put on the clean sheets

Marrying me at fourteen
To a boy of nineteen
One I only knew a week

To liberate me from foster care
Where I may have been safer
Emancipated from the courts
A woman the moment
My beloved mom signed me away

Sometimes
You showed me your gun
Waving it around
Empty threats of retribution
As I made empty promises
To love you forever

You wouldn’t shoot me
I wouldn’t give you a reason to

I feel melancholy when I think
Of that little girl

I accept what I allowed
There were so many
terrible things you did
But I was the catalyst
Some part of me still
Holds that belief

You were never punished
You skate through life
Rudderless
Your moral compass
In pieces beneath your feet

Because, because? Why not?
The victims you leave
Harbor your secrets
Scared to say things out loud
Scared of you

Stigmatized  
Most of all scared
Of how others would measure us

So all the times I crawled towards you
All the times you cried
Became our self imposed roles
When I should have left the first time you hit me

I remember it vividly
Standing outside against the wall
Of your brother’s house
As you slapped me again and again

I had never been hit
Like that before
The shock of it all
You trying to make me agree
With you
That I was looking too long at your brother

No answer was ever good enough

When I ran
I ran so fast
And so sudden
Along my preplanned route

The almost debilitating fear
I had to overcome
Running towards my future

You did find me.
It was the last time I was hospitalized
And the worst time
Because of you

Found unconscious
During a welfare check by my neighbors

I protected you.
I survived you

I loved you

At the same time I pointed you towards your own future
I feel sick to my stomach when I think of you.

But our son grew up
To be a honorable man
Strong and proud
And I did that.
Without you
I did that.

He was worth that seven years
Can you understand?
Jul 2019 · 911
Touching the sky
Deb Jones Jul 2019
In the Spring time I take some chalks, charcoal and go to a particular park
One day I heard peals of laughter and turned to see that

A young  boy swinging so high that the chains buckle a little at the height of the arc.  

I am sure he feels that he is ruler of all he  sees.
His toes touching the sky

He seems to float for a beat, and then there’s a stiff **** as he falls
back under the influence of the rusted metal links, back into the steady tempo of forward and back.

I watch him as he chooses  to fly high again, gaining momentum with his legs
I would like to tell him not to go so high  

But I remember when I was young that I would swing until I caught the snap of the swing chains

I remember what a powerful feeling it is. I remember that feeling oh, so well

Instead I quickly drew him on the swing.

Him and all his glory reflected on his face

What a wonderful spring pastime
And what a reminder of childhood
Jul 2019 · 161
Home
Deb Jones Jul 2019
Why do we choose a certain house?

Does it seem as if the house chose us?

When we look at a windowed structure

Do we think of all we want from a house?

From one another?

To live our lives?

To raise our kids?

To keep out anything that could hurt us?

To protect all our hopes and dreams?

At what point does an echoing house

Made of wood and paint

Become a home?

I think it’s the moment

A house chooses you
Jul 2019 · 170
The Past
Deb Jones Jul 2019
We think the past is past
But believe a place can hold memories
We believe in hallowed grounds
We know places that calm or excite us

The past does not simply die away
It haunts the very ground we stand upon
If you are still and quiet enough
you can feel it
Old ruins
Old estates
Alone in the woods
The echoes quietly,
Fade away
But they
never go
completely
Silent

Last year I stood in the places
my ancestors walked.
It was beautifully surreal

The wind felt heavier.
As if I was being welcomed home
In a physical way
Jul 2019 · 147
Poetic Souls
Deb Jones Jul 2019
Did you enjoy your life
This time through?
Perhaps next time
I could come with you
Into a world
Of love and peace
The two of us as
Sentient beings
Living and loving
Never a regret
Surely an existence
We haven't had yet...
Holding on forever
To a familiar role
Connected by a spirit
Of poetic souls
I practice Buddhism
It’s my fervent hope
I will meet my loved ones again
And my heart
Will know them
Jun 2019 · 280
Ownership
Deb Jones Jun 2019
It’s said that possessions own you.
Not so
Loved ones own you
You are forever held hostage
When you care so much.
Jun 2019 · 307
The Reset Cafe
Deb Jones Jun 2019
I look at the scenery
I sit down in the cafe chair at an empty table that seems to wait for just me
The chair is warm from the sun
I watch the people around me
As the sweet breeze blows back my hair
I wonder what
The other people are thinking
I wonder if it is pleasant things
I look at the laughter
in their eyes
Some smile with their mouth
Not with their eyes
They have secrets to hide
I turn my face away from the view of them
The street is not teeming with people
That’s ok with me
I can sit here all day
Eyes closed
Day dreaming
It’s never boring
And it’s never really
Just about me
I hope everyone in the muted sidewalk cafe is enjoying their day
For me...
It’s about how the sun
on my uplifted face can feel like kisses
It’s how the breeze renews me
It’s about the reasons I am here
The need to reset myself

I slowly open my eyes.
My meditation is done
I look at the painting I crawled into
One I am forever glad to visit
The people are old friends
I imagine their life is like mine
I feel happy and at ease.
Satisfied.
Contented.
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