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Nov 8 · 225
Distorted // Contorted
Everything within.
All that ravages inside.

It's a fearsome, tangled ball of trauma, suffering and nightmares.

Let me scream..
                       Today.

Aaaahhhhhh..

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

It'­s okay, my dear..
It's okay..
Let it happen..
I'm forever by your side..
Forever..
I won't let you go..
Be vulnerable with me..
Please.
Let's release it together..
You and I..
The way you love..
Stay in my arms..
Stay by my side..
I'll carry you..
Until your wounds heal.
I'll shield you..
Until your wounds heal.
I'll love you..
Even after your wounds heal.

...

I never left.
Lydia never left.
Nov 8 · 369
But I'm Here
Living is hard.
Breathing is hard.
Eating is hard.

Drinking is hard.
Walking is hard.
Jogging is hard.

Washing is hard.
Searching is hard.
Socialising is hard.

Brushing is hard.
Dressing is hard.
Behaving is hard.

Budgeting is hard.
Employment is hard.
Recalling is hard.

Trauma is hard.
Sleeping is hard.
Waking is hard.

Self-lovin' is hard.
Resisting is hard.
Abstaining is hard.

Praying is hard.
Believing is hard.
Hoping is hard.

Crying is... Hard.
Read the title.
Deadwood Jawn Oct 26
No.. Just take it easy...
It's not her.

                               S̷h̵e̶'̴s̴ ̴h̷e̵r̵e̸,̶ ̶
                                             J̴o̷h̴n̴.̵.̶.̵

Shh.. No..
It's just cold.

                                              h̶e̵r̶ ̶c̷r̶i̸m̶s̶o̵n̸ ̸h̶a̷i̵r̸,̷
                                   l̷i̶k̶e̷ ̵y̴o̷u̶r̴ ̸b̸l̷o̴o̶d̷,̶

I'm aware of her...

                                                         ­  Í̷̘t̵̪̕ ̶͉͆ē̴͚͆x̵̞̏̾i̸͙̐̅s̴̲͍͊t̵̮̯̅s̵͔͋

It was 7 years ago..

                                                          ­            C̷̨͙̖̠̣̳̓͐͗Ō̴͚̗̖̣͍̾̄́L̵̪̪̭̓̿̔͛̏̃̈́D̸̤͍̗͑̍

She really was the first healer.



                                              C̵̊̽̑̑͑͛­̙̤͕͉̟͕̯̺͑Ȯ̸͔͚̺̝̲̺̝̿̂́̄͌̀L̶̼̤̓͊̓̕D̴̩͍̹̻͈̬̳̖̫́̒̌̈̾̇̀̎̋̔͌̈́͌͋


_ _ _ _ _ ... The years of grieving.


                          C̶̢̛̠̩̹͓̝̻͙͈͕̺̥͈̺͚̜̗̈̍̑́̿̅͝­O̸̧̡̫̦͓͎̗̮̜̦͎̬͖̖̙͍͍͉̺̥̍̓̈́̉̀͌̔̀͊̿̈́̃͑͑͊̏̕͘͘͜͝ͅL̵̛̜̱͈̋̏̈̉̀̉̀͋̑̈́̽̈D̸­̧̡̧̮̩̠͇͕̞͎̜̙͚̜͕̑͛̇̓̈́̆̐͂̚



I was never hugged before.
Until I met her.

                          S̶T̵A̶Y̸I̴N̷G̴ ̸O̶U̶T̵ ̵U̶N̸T̸I̴L̸ ̸
                                                T̵H̴E̶ ̴C̷O̵L̷D̶ ̸P̶E̵N̴E̸T̴R̴A̴T̶E̶D̶ ̵
                          T̴H̶E̴ ̷S̵K̸I̴N̸

But we got together 4 years later..

                                                        ­                 Ć̵̬̥Â̴̫̯R̴̝͛ͅ ̴͉͊̈Ä̸̼̲̓İ̵̟R̶̳̽̀ ̷̡͔̈F̷̙̙̆Ṛ̵́̋E̵̲̾̎Ş̷̻̀͘Ḧ̷̙́E̵̢͐͂Ṇ̷̢̆̓E̵̦̐R̵͖̐̓,̶͇̙́̓
         ­                                               ̶͉͔̿͋V̵̨̫͐A̴̯̔͛N̵̂­̙͜Ḯ̶͕L̷̼͊L̸̝̓͗A̷͙̙͠ ̷̥͇͑Ṩ̸̆Ć̷͓̟Ẻ̷̘̲̚N̶͙̖͗T̶͉͕̕S̷̛̙͂

... It's over, isn't it?

                            L̷o̸o̸k̴ ̷a̵t̸ ̴t̷h̵e̴ ̸l̷o̷c̷a̷t̵i̷o̷n̶ ̷a̸n̸d̵ ̸s̸e̶e̸ ̷t̶h̵e̶ ̵s̷i̵l̵h̴o̶u̷e̵t̸t̵e̴s̶ ̸

It's okay...

                            B̸͎͈̥͉̝͖̘͍̓̉̊̈́̌̏̅̀͂͝ů̵̊͆́͑͠­̧̘̻̖̟̩̘̑̚ͅt̸̤̥̲͙͕̝͊͒̾̍̊͊̍̀͜͝ ̶̡̩̼̭͇̀̿̌̌į̴̔͗t̸̡̲̪̘̠͇͎͇̫̙̗̐́͋͗̕͝'̵̢̥͕͓̲͈̇͒s̸̛̠͙̺͈̬͓͓͌̇̍̄́͊̒̈́̈́̕͝­̬ ̷̢̝̣͙̝̯̼̫̣̳͚̍ȏ̸̢̱̰͚̌̍́̉͌͐̀͝k̴̫̯̪̱͓̏̒â̵̲͙͖̟͈̼̙̮̰̔͆̓̌̀̐̏͝͝y̵͌́̃̌͛­̡̛̫̫̤͈̤̯̟̟̰̰̽̈͑̉͛͝











I̸͆͊͆̎̇̆̌͗͑͑̃͂̊̆̾͗̑̆̋̎̆͐͋̌̔̂̋̀͐́́͘̕­̨̢̧̢̨̨̢͇͙̠̙̯̟͉͙͖̖̱̦̬͙̲͓͕̻͈͓̺̳͍̯͈̳̪͊̎͊̔̌͑̃́̃̒͋̀̃͂̎̈͛̇̓͂̿͌̍̌̅͗̐͜͜͜͝­͖͎̻̦̦'̷̧̢̨̢̡̭̻͎͖͕͇͖̦̳͚̼̺̤̥̳̬̜̣̝͙̰̞͚͖̋̇̅̋̅̅͛͑̐̍̌͌́̇́͒́̓̃͊̈́́̈̋͘͝͠͝ͅ­̨̡̨̻̥̠̙̭̘̗̜͕̳̯̳͈̟̙͇̳̬̜͇̞̪͉͚͈̪̤̝͜ͅM̵̨̛͎̩̪̮̱̻̣̦͙̯̆̆͐̊̏͌̓̋̑̆̃͗̑͒̈́̅̀̚­̨̧̞̥̥̯͍͖̱̱͍͇̬͕͇̙̳̟͙̠̘̜͚̬̥̹͕̟͎̘͉̯̯̩̥͎̫͙̬̼̤̭̜̩͍͜ͅͅͅ ̴̨̛͈̼͙̞͕͕̣̓͒̃̂̍̓͛̆̂͒͊̃̽̃̾͌̆̆́͛̾̾̅̏̊̽̆͒̓̿̋͒͊͑̾̉́͋̐́́͂͊̿̀̎͛͘̚̕͝͝͠͝͠­̧̭̙̯̘̙̦͚͎̰̥S̴̛̛̾͛̅̊̉̾̅̃̒̉̅͂̓͗̐̈̏̈́͂̊͌͊̎͆͌̾͛̀́̈́͑̇͛̒̓̀̇́̕͘̕̕̚̚͘̕͘͠͝­͔̠͚̬̥̤̹͕̜͍̻̥̘͕̣͚̙̥̦̖̤̯̣̣͕͇̹̝̜͎͇͙̠̤͔̲͕̠̻̲́̆̈́̈́̑́̔͂̂̑̾͌͊͌̾̏͊̒̋͛́̒͠ͅT­̸͌̄̋̄̉̏͗̓̔̇̽͋̈́͗̉͂̌͊̆̍͊̊̈́͐̄͊͗̓̂̾̍͒̏̄̑́̌͒̈́͑̈́͊̇̈̆͂̓̌̆̑̐̅̈̀̍̚͘̕̚͘͘̚͠͠­̢̗̬̭̠͎̱̙͜I̵̛̛͆̑̇̓̀͒̂̔̆͑̓͛͗͊̑͐̃͂́͒̍̈̀̈́͌̑̀͆̅͑́̃͋͛͑͗͒́̋̒͊̾͆̈́͂͘̚͘͘̚̚͠­̧̛̰̺̖̗̥̩̩̝̭̻̞̠͖̫͚̮͔͇̺̮͙̮͉̯͚̟͕̹͍̺̮̝̩̰̝͇̼̺͎͍͙̜̹̙̈̎̓̐̄́̅̈́̀͗̆̅͘̕͜͜͜͝͠­̡̙̟͍̲̱͍͓͇̣̺͖̟̻͚L̶̛̛͑̊͋̅͗̑̏͂̆̎̐͂͊͂̍͛̾̄̉̆̀̓̀̒̿̒̔͛͊̏́͂͛̍̊̂̊͂̅̚̕͘͝͠͝͝­̡̧̨̡̧̱̥̮͇͙̙͚̟͖̬̻̪̳̺͍̭͍̙̭̪̬̘̙̠̰͍͍̟̼̬͓͚͈̘͉͇͓̰̥̳̥͙̬͓͚̋̉̍̃̅̏̋̐̄̋̽̉͗̚̚­̡̡̡̡̠̝̲̺͔̼̰̣͖͔̦͔̮̫̣̗̠̥̰͎L̴̨̛̛̛̼̜͖̪̘̼͈̼̲͍͇͋́̓̔̑̒͊̈́͗͒̀̏̀̓̑̿̊̓̚͜͝͠͝͠­̧̢̡͎̳̗̮̫̗̙͉͈̙̳͕̻̘̟̯̬ͅ ̵̢̛̗̼͚̪͕̝͇̝͉̣͍̠̬͔̺̽̇͌̾̑̅̑͐́̾̏̓̉̆͆̓̿͌̔͑͒́̍͑̔̽͌̇̐͐̎͌̐̑̂̈́̄̑̋̔̒͘͘̕̚͘­̦͕̱͉̳͉̮̭̟̮͎H̴̙͉͈̙͙̞̻̜̟̺̯͍̹͙̗̫̬̫͍̼͈̦̘̝̻͋̔̓͗̐̓́͋̆͆̚̚͘͝E̵̡̧͎̘͍͗̓̌̐̚͜­̢̢̢͓̲̮̪̗̮̰̗͈̮͉̲̠̰̼͍̩͉̠͇̦̼̰̤̮̪͜ͅR̵̃̔̔̀̈́͂̍̀͗͛̆̾͆́̀̌́̾̐́̔͆̔̒̐͑͘͘̕͝͠͠­̧̨̢̢̨̡̨͖͖͈̦͍̥̗̖̘̩̞̝͖̣͓͙̲̭̹̥͎̘͈̙̰̳̣̙̫͎̣̲͉̮͔̦̤̹̣̤̥̰̞̞͚̼̬͕̯̩̫̿̿́̚͜͝͠­̖ͅĘ̵̛̜͎̣̹̻͉̍̃́̇́̂̑̌̒̌̇͗̈́͒̈́̉̓̉̉͊̉̀̓̅̽̀̊̎̒̎͛͛͑͋͛̾̉͒̅͐̍̑̈̕̚͘͘͝͝͠͝͠͠­̢̢̨̧̧̢͍̠͚̺̠̮̟̩͖̙̗̣̦̱̤̰̝̰͔̯̱͍̺̪͔̞̪̞̥͍̹͇̼̮̖̲͜ͅͅ










__­_____
I won't just ignore this happened.. It happened.. It's okay..
Winter will stretch out his aged arms and show me the memories still remain.
Sep 25 · 222
ENDLESS
Deadwood Jawn Sep 25
It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her - It's real but I can't have her -

...
Why did I allow this...
AGAIN!!!
GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I DON'T WAMT THIS AGAIN, MY HEART WON'T SURVIVE THE TRAGEDY ONCE MORE. I'LL FALL ILL.
Sep 24 · 280
Disc-o-n-n-e-c-ted
Deadwood Jawn Sep 24
Look at me, dear...
And just see..
I AM DISCONNECTED.

               I am ALONE.
               None have time for me!
               Yes, though some do,
               It is not the ones I want.

MY, HOW SELFISH!
HOW UNGRATEFUL!

                                        No.. That's just..
                                        How I feel.
                                       I can't connect with the same gender.
                                        I hate being emotional with
                                                            ­                       other men.
         I need the opposite
  gender.
They're much more...
                                    Accepting.
Validating­ and
                                                             warm.
                   I can express myself
authentically, then.

They all got with their boyfriends and left me.
They all got with their girlfriends and left me.
They all got jobs and left me.
Yes, all the greatest and warmest
listeners...
                   They left me.
                                             Not a day goes past where
                                             I do not think of them.
                                                           ­   My soul yearns and needs.
                                                          ­    I am needing.

People stopped looking after themselves..
And left me.

                            I don't care if I'm selfish.
I do not care if I sound ungrateful.
             I know who I am.
                                               I know how much I give.
                    I know I'm allowed to.. Express.
No, yes...
             I will not be denied.
                                                         ­                                I
                                                               ­  Really
                                                Still
    ­                              Crave
                           And
                      Need
                 So much....

...
Slow.

I miss the days.
Where my friends or classmates
Would disclose to me that
they cut themselves too.
I miss that.
Not because I enjoy them suffering...
But because I enjoyed that intimacy...
What must I do?

                                     What must I do?
              What must I do?

                                                            ­   What must I do?

                                                            ­ Find a girlfriend?
                                                     ­        No...
                                                           ­  I am not strong enough
                                                          ­   For that, yet.

No...

                              No, not yet.

            No...

Wrap your hands around my heart and let me feel again.
O accursed. Please.
Yes, do see my pain and agony inside.
For I am bleeding out.
            
                                        I am forever lonesome.
                                        Let me know what touch feels like,
                                        Once again.

Why?..

Why won't anyone want to touch me...

I want to touch them...

But they don't want to touch me...


...

They don't want to touch me...
Not anymore..

Just how many times do they speak to you first?
I'm grieving the loss of my greater friendships.
Sep 22 · 122
Untitled
Deadwood Jawn Sep 22
I think I ...
I need someone's hand
on my heart for a while...
It aches. So bad.
Sep 18 · 286
Concern..
Deadwood Jawn Sep 18
Concern harbours within my blood cells,
My veins
My arteries
And my capillaries.

Concern is sorrowful.
Concern tries to urge me.

She persists I should watch out for my friend.

Concern and her lovely, brown hair..
Which is scented with sandalwood.

Concern reminds me to care for my friend.
To watch out for her again.

Concern embraces me,
And envelops me with love.

Altogether with her gentle,
cotton-like voice.
Written after some short mindfulness with smooth, chilled jazz.
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