My heart broke in two that night. I was wondering how such a disaster could happen.
My tears flowed into a mini river. My body almost to the point of collapsing. I had to sit down, my mind thinking of the last time I saw him...

The last time I saw my brother before he was no more . so i now have to live with an aching heart.

every story has a beginning, middle and an ending.
some sad some good.
but what happens in the middle is from an angels whisper. guiding you. helping you.
you may not know it but it's there.
watching and waiting for you to ask for guidance.
and when you do need it. they will whisper it in your ear or show you how in another way.
so whatever happens you will always receive....
An Angels whisper

you scream at anger at me i return it.
what you do to me i will do to you.
your ******* at me, i am at you.
this is sibling love and i hate it...
i can say what i want to say no matter who is here. i have my own voice and i am not afraid to show it.
you do not own me i am a free woman.
so get F*CKED siblings i am not being in the shadows.
i will scream i will shout until you know i am not a toy to be broken or a force to be reckoned with.
i will stand and i will stride.
for i no longer need to takes orders from an ashle like you who treats people like SHT!
my voice will be the last thing you hear when i am done standing up for me.
your angery. i am angry.
this is sibling love and you know what.... F*CK IT!!!!!!

You pass me me by. I stare
who knew that someone like you could be so perfect beyond compare.
every time I look at you, i can't help but smile.
yes your the one for me, I love the way you have style.
i can't keep my eyes off you this is true. for my love you for you is stronger than my heart put back together after being broken in two.
i see you smile and it makes me think. how wondrous it would be if you knew the true and real me. I will love you forever my heart will not change, for you are the one i call a someone who brings my life around the the next day.

I am busted.
I have been caught.
no one will feel like this , because no one is me.
i have lived through secrets i have to hide, but never hide something from someone you know will find out from behind.
I should learn my lesson, but i might not. for who know what will happen.
Will i do something wrong for the right reason?
disobey to obey?
lie to tell the truth?
ignore to listen?
or even fight to defend?
all of these thing have a reason. some better than others.
but never lie to someone who trusts you dearly because once that trust is broken it takes a heck of a lot to earn back.
because once you have lied to someone who loves you so much.... well your doing a me.
so change it or you will be caught and will be done.
even better tell the truth the first time.
because not matter what.
Mothers will always find the truth in the end.

Wipe your eyes say a prayer.
For I am with you in the air.
I will follow you where ever you go.
for you will be safe no matter what goes.
you are family and I will care.
coz family will never let you stand somewhere so bare.
Sure you have an attitude.
But you have reasons that end in gratitude.
now wake up and make a change.
for you have much love to give in you massive soul and ting brain.
your heart is made of pure gold.
Your smile travels across the world.
But who you are will never change.
For you are wondrous thing but bad is never in your name.

I see what I could be, What I should be and what I must be.
you get lost in your thoughts. but you must think.
What could you be, what should you be and what must you be. you should forget about the past on what has happened and turn to your future self. picture what you are in the future. not what you can be. but what you must be. It is your destiny to find where you belong later on in life.

sometimes, i feel, my heart is, breaking.
But i stay and i hold on coz i know.
I will see you again, oh, this is not were it ends.
i will carry you with me.
Said goodbye turned around,
And you were,
gone
gone
gone

You made me laugh you made me cry but I will never let you pass it by.
You ruined my heart and it’s broken. But a heart can mend with another person.
Honestly Idc if his friends and tell him so ... I am fed up with boys who think they can hurt every girl in the world.
I have been through too much of this to have more pain.  I just won't stand for any more of this bullsht from someone so vain.
Boys who think they rule the world are nothing more than fuk wi*s who have nowhere to hide.
Someone like you deserves better in their world. So find love and happiness so you don’t end up like me with a sad soul like mine.
The demon in your heart will grow. Unless you find someone to decrease their growth.
Head my words yes it’s true. Boys will hurt you until you bruise.

How does a moment last forever?
How can a story never die?
It is love we must hold onto
Never easy, but we try
Sometimes our happiness is captured
Somehow, our time and place stand still
Love lives on inside our hearts and always will
Minutes turn to hours, days to years then gone
But when all else has been forgotten
Still our song lives on
Maybe some moments weren't so perfect
Maybe some memories not so sweet
But we have to know some bad times
Or are lives are incomplete
Then when the shadows overtake us
Just when we feel all hope is gone
We'll hear our song and know once more
Our love lives on
How does a moment last forever?
How does our happiness endure?
Through the darkest of our troubles
Love is beauty, love is pure
Love pays no mind to desolation
It flows like a river through the soul
Protects, perceives, and perseveres
And makes us whole
Minutes turn to hours, days to years then gone
But when all else has been forgotten
Still our song lives on
How does a moment last forever
When our song lives on

I have no shame.
I have no reputation.
And this is how I feel.
"I stared.
I squinted.
I died inside.
I have no life."
But...
I have Family.
I have Friends.
I have people who care.
I have a home.
I have a heart.
That is all I need.

the title above says how i feel. out of order. not making any sense. and miss pronounced. i feel like i don't belong. unloved, unworthy, unsafe,unheard. but one thing is for sure i am me i am not you or anyone. i live in science but when i need to be heard you will hear my scream from afar. for i am unique and strong. although other people might think differently i know that in myself there is a normal me locked away because that is not the true me. i am crazy, i am out of wack, i am unique, i am a limited edition, i am me. myself. my friends see who i am. the true me. but to other i remain a mystery. and a mystery i shall stay. for they do not know me. until the have met me and gotten to know me more. you will know that i am not..... out of order. not making any sense. and miss pronounced. i am... crazy, i am out of wack, i am unique, i am a limited edition, i am me. someone you can trust and have a good time with. when you see me they way i see myself you will then understand what it is like to be just.................you.

enjoy every single day of life.
Because one day it might be the only thing you have left.

I see you across the room with your friends.
And I wonder when this will end.
The smile you use, the kindness you have.
The laugh you have, the love you give.
It makes me smile think how perfect you and I could be.
You are there when I need you and I will be there or you to.
But it kills me that I can't say that I love you.
i will never know the softness of your lips or the warmth of your body. But I know the strength in your arms when you pull me into a friend hug. But that's all it is. Just a friend hug. You will never know that I love you because I might never tell you.
Your eyes are cluttered by someone else that even you have no chance with. Yes you to have dated but she is with another man now.
I don't know how you look at her the way you look at her. I wish you would though. Look at me the way you look at her.
Can’t you see that I am right here waiting for you? And that I need you in my life.
But now it's just a blur because you don't see things the way I do.
I know we have a connection you have felt it to. But you refuse to see it because you are so in love with someone that is not for you.
We laugh, we share and we love.
So I laugh a little thinking how stupid it would be that you ended up with the wrong person other than me.
My heart still remains for you and no other.
You know we share love for each other but you don't see it.
So I will stay the same and love you as much as I can. Hoping that one day you will see that i am the one you need and love. I just hope it won't be too late when you do realize.
So go about your day with your friends. But I will be in your shadows of your love with every step of the day.

Look at me. I will never pass for a perfect bride.
Or a perfect Daughter. Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part.
Now I see that if I were truly to be myself. I would break my Family's Heart.
Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me. Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I can not hide, Who I am though I tried.
When will my reflection show who I am inside?


When will my reflection show who I am inside?

i was speaking to him about how i felt about him i noticed something. my heart was slowly breaking.
the words he was saying was  slowly fading. My heart rate was slowing.
the air was bitter and cold  just after it was warm and sweet.
For the words you just said. "i am sorry i cannot date you but we can be friends" came from your lips that fading from your beautiful smile of yours.
who knew that those words could hurt in less than a heartbeat.  My heart has finally broken but in time it will try and re-heal. for love is never ending and i will find the boy who is rightfully mine to love. so i hold a brave face and hide my tears for you are not my lover to love.
when you walk away i shall stay strong and hold on. for the sound of rejection is only the beginning of heartbreak so until my heart has found love.
you are not my friend nor my enemy.
my lover nor hater.
my death nor reborn.
art nor junk.
you are just a person to me and a person you shall stay. As you have done to me i shall do the same.
you may not love me and that's fine.
i shall respect your love for someone else.
just know that when you near and every time i see you.
My heart and soul dies a little inside for you could not be mine.

I wish you told me.
From the start.
That you were gonna break my heart.

You walked into my life unnoticed by your actions.
You turned and gave me a smile that made me leap into satisfaction.
You lit up my world like a flame to a fire.
You made me feel whole and i can't express how much would desire.
Your touch, you emotions , to walk right into your arms to safety.
Knowing you have me for who i am thinking you could never hate me.
We talk for a while and i feel free.
But now is a time we apart and your no where near me.
I tried to contact you but always seem to be busy.
I  have almost given up thinking about you because I get dizzy.
Knowing we could have had something special.
Until you stole my heart and refused to return it to the daredevil that decided to love you.
My emotions have not change for you.
I just wished you would love me like i love you.
Weeks have gone by and you still have not talked to me and i am confused.
I thought we had something that could not be taken or misused.
Then i see something that came from you and i start to glow.
knowing after a while you decide to text me and say "hello"

I am trapped. There is nowhere for me to run. I am scared and lost. My body tries to stop from trembling.Voices in my head telling me to run but my feet sank into the ground My arms waving like crazy from pain. Finally i could not take it any longer. I woke up in shock. My bed wet from sweat and my body shaking with fear. People have these nightmares every night. And that people is me.

Behind my smile, is a hurting heart.
Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart.
Look closely at me and you will see,
The girl I am....
Isn't me

you cannot take away my heart, for i have non to take away.
you cannot take away my freedom, for i have no freedom to be taken.
you cannot take away my happiness, for i have none to share with.
you cannot take away my laugh, for i have not laugh in a long time.
you cannot take away my love, for i have none to give or keep.
all thing we work for can go like this and that is what makes little angels cry

when he looks at you the way you look at him it must be a sign.
when you speak to him the way he speaks to you, there must be something between you.
when you hang around him the way he hangs around you, it must be true.
when you get that uncomfortable feeling when you stare at his dreamy eyes for a while, it has to come soon.
when love finds you it will hit you with it and you will feel special and like your the luckiest girl in the world once more.

When will I learn it is not who you are?
It is who you should be.
When will I learn it's not what I get?
It's what I give.
When will I learn it's not when you do something?
It's how well you will do it.
When will I learn that I am not perfect but I must not fail.
When will I learn?
It's not all about me but about you too.
all these things are a lesson in life.
some of them are good some are bad.
But what you will chose will have the same question every time you get mixed up in life.
Not just When will I learn?
but when can I do it?
How can I do it?
and can I do it?

As I stand and look at the mirror, I wonder, what challenges life will throw at me. I think on what danger could happen . With my mind at peace and my heart at rest, I take each day step by step. I know that one day I will be rid of my nightmares and know that it can be possible for me to change something fantastic in life. but for now, I just keep looking in the mirror and wondering.