just because we want something to be perfect
doesn't mean it will be...

maybe that's how we were.

the you closure we want
will never be the closure we get...

the perfect ending, with you as my end game...
who is to say.

it's weird writing this halfway-healed instead of muddled in the sadness & madness of wanting you & wanting you to want me...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

words get in the way
of how things truly are.
of how people really feel.

i wanted words to your (in)actions...
a bite of closure
even if it broke me...
even if it was telling me what i already knew...

but it was a bite you couldn't give
& darling believe me when i say
i did everything i could to understand why...

i see you now...
i know you now...
i hear you & even everything you don't say...

because we were always good at knowing exactly how each other feels...what each other is thinking without a single word needing to be said...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

i think these kinds of things
are meant to be remembered
by those passionate moments
those painful memories
the way we came into existence
& the way we fought to stay there
until we just couldn't...
until we just couldn't.

To hear your voice
say my name
again

To see your eyes
glance at me from across the room
again

To say to you
everything will be okay
again

To smile ear-to-ear
laughing about absolutely nothing &
being goofy together
again

To listen to our favorite songs
in complete comfortable silence
again

To have pure intentions & hopes
for the future
again

To feel your lips
pressed against my neck,
goosebumps raising,
pulling each other close

To talk for hours with you
about anything & everything
again

To feel your protective touch
standing next to me
again

To breathe jubilant life & unconditional love
into each other
again...

am i still there?
i'm still there.

warm flesh & blood
now phantasmagoria
& a gentle breeze
that sweeps your hair
from out of your eyes.

(yearning for) retrograde amnesia.

i can't forget
the sound.

agnosia.

flashbacks of when
i grazed you
& it made you audibly silent,
visibly warm, & full of bliss...

fast-forward to you
recoiling from my touch.
now cold, painful, & unwelcome.

can you still feel me?...

aphasia.

it always upset you
when i couldn't say what
i meant.

apraxia.

the cognitive dissonance
experienced is how much?

amnesia.

i don't want to forget any of it.
i want to remember it all.
i don't want you to forget any of it.
i want you to remember it all.

endless summer sky
full of color
full of clouds,
a sea of stars
while down below a stream of cars

streaks of lights, swirls of trees
and that warm summer breeze

i can still hear the music,
is it only me?
and i hope we'll never lose it.

days of sunshine
but nights of memories,
what if this? . . . what if that?
never really knowing,
if i could only go back . . .

i was always on the outside
of the jokes,
no matter what i said or how i said it
i'd never be one of your folks

your butterflies have left
me for her,
now i'm lonely, i'm lovesick
and they haven't found a cure

summer nights,
long drives
high tides and navy skies,
toes tangled in the tall grass
fireflies blinking and shimmering
like stained glass

days that would never end
and nights we could never forget,
texts i could never send
and words from my tongue i would never let . . .

i will always be on the outside
of the jokes,
no matter what i'll say or how i'll say it
i will never be one of your folks

i always have "too much" to say
yet never know what to say,
i always have it on my mind
yet never know how to say it

when will it be over . . .
my heart feels blue,
but no amount of dandelions
could make my wish come true . . .

always the alien
never the native,
when will i get to be the friend,
not the foe? . . .

love is not meant to be kept
but given without restraint,
i always give and give and give and give
but no one is willing to reciprocate.

the ones i pour my love out for
never really deserve it . . .
the pain adds up,
until i'm pouring from an empty cup.

i just want to love again
and to be loved once more . . .
once more and as the one again,
and nevermore the alien

I want to feel
your hand gently
touch my warm
cheek, blushed with red
that you put there
since I saw you from across
the room. . .

I'd give anything
just to see you happy
and well and at peace with
yourself,
even if that means I am
no longer a part in your life. . .

I dream of being held by you,
and wrapping my arms
around you tight
when I'm afraid we'll let go. . .

Will we let go? . . .

I know now that all who came
before you prepared me
to love you. . .
I was dead but now
I am  a l i v e
when I feel you watching me. . .

The songs never made sense before,
I was making everyone
fit the words
but you. . .
the music takes flight
and the words fit just right.
The melodies and harmonies
are reality
no longer fantasy. . .

I want to dance with you
beneath the light of billions of
suns & watch you grow
throughout the years. . .

I still sigh your name
beneath my breath
by accident when I miss you most. . .
Y o u  are my reflex.
Y o u are my reason to love harder.
I want to be your reason.
I want to be your oxygen. .
And I want to be your everything. . .

I don't want to be friends.

I want to have all of you.

I want to see you from across the room
& feel safe & loved
knowing I'm yours only.

I want to  k n o w  all of you.

I want to  s e e  all of you.

I want to  l o v e  all of you.

I don't want to be friends.

that feeling when you're completely out of breath & you can feel your heart pounding out of your chest thumping so loudly you can hear it... 

this time, a holistic ****** experience that i became the heart.

we fall asleep with our fingers interlaced.

we soon became inseparable...

if euphoria was a color, it would be dark, faded-but-electric-blue.

you're someone i could fall madly, unapologetically, undeniably, unconditionally, helplessly in love with.

before, things would always fall apart in the fall...but we fell into each other.

i have never felt more helplessly weak & undeniably strong all at once before.

i never knew how much i'd want you until this moment.

we're in a room full of others but we only see each other.

you are my proof that the poetry does get happy again.

our song is on repeat & i never want it to stop...

forced, nothing.

& just as we're as close as we can possibly get, it's never close enough...

i'm supposed to be sleeping but instead i am writing about you, & i hope that is okay.

i melt into the floor when i see you, when i hear your voice, as smooth & sweet as maple syrup

i could never lie to you.

the thought of you not with me is unbearable.

never leave me...

the thought of the absence of you is cold down to every bone in what would feel to be this desolate, dark, & aching shell...

i want you
oh god, do i need you too?...

do you want me too?
oh god, do you need me too?...

[this love monster may be prowling deep within me, but it is as pure as snow & gentle as a dove.]

this song makes me want to plan anything, anything just to get us in the same room...

"it's in the space that the energy lies"

there is so much i want to know, but won't ask (yet)...

"for now, we'll dream about it, but soon we'll be there."

i want you to want to take me into a dimly lit room like you once did with her.

a minute without you is the strangest thing...

a second without you is the strangest thing . . .

i accidentally typed "ana" instead of my full, real name
into the blank document.

and for a brief moment, i felt like a different person,
like i assumed the persona, the qualities, the life of whoever "Ana" would be.

and in that brief moment,
i felt real, counterfeit, foreign, familiar, and birthed anew. . .

i miss the days we used to talk
and laugh
and feel
and glance
and share
and care
and connect
and love...
those days seemed to shine
a little more brightly. . .
didn't they? . . .

"it's only been six days," he says.

"well to me, it feels like an eternity". . .

tonight i pulled out the letter you once wrote me
from out of its hiding place.

i don't know what compelled me to reread it,
because i knew that if i did, it would reopen
all of the wounds that long for your touch...

it seems like another life
that we lived, doesn't it?

another life where everything was possible
even when odds were against us.

another life where you wanted me in return
& there was no question, doubt, or moments hesitation
about it.

another life where you missed me
& weren't afraid to say it.

another far...far off life
when you wrote about how
everyday you wanted to
see me
hug me
kiss me
& tell me,
"how much i truly love you." . . .

S I D E      A
"already mine"         : us the duo
"us"                           : james bay
"broken things"        : clairity
"the night we met"   : lord huron
"delicate"                   : taylor swift
"life me up"               : mree

S I D E       B
"august"                                        : flipturn
"stupid"                                         : lizzy mcalpine
"i love you"                                   : billie eilish
"mirrorball"                                  : taylor swift
"through the dark"                      : alexi murdoch
"if you ever want to be in love"    : james bay

S I D E      A :
"august"                          : flipturn
"all i want"                     : kodaline
"picture perfect"            : joli
"apocalypse"                  : cigarettes after ***
"the funeral"                  : band of horses
"all too well (10 min.)"    : taylor swift
"strawberries"                : caamp
"anchor"                         : novo amor
"embody me"                 : novo amor
"because of you"           : stephen sanchez

S I D E      B :
"sleep on the floor"                               : the lumineers
"brightside"                                         ­ : the lumineers
"iris"                                               ­       : the goo goo dolls
"flightless bird, american mouth"       : iron & wine
"wake me"                                             : bleachers
"i choose you"                                       : adam melchor
"until i found you"                               : stephen sanchez
"real love baby"                                    : father john misty
"more"                                                   : between friends

SIDE     A :              
       
"you said you'd grow old with me"   : michael schulte
"find my way back"                              : eric arjes
"no matter where you are (wed.v.)"   : us the duo
"dancing in the kitchen"                      : lany
"figure"                                                  ­: anoraak
"molly"                                                ­  : lil dicky
"rosyln"                                                 : bon iver

SIDE      B :

"pancakes for dinner"                          : lizzy mcalpine
"i'm with you"                                      : vance joy
"i remember everything"                    : zach bryan
"satellite"                                              ­ : harry styles
" here with me"                                     : d4vd
"if you ever want to be in love"          : james bay

SIDE A:

"boys of faith"                       : zach bryan, bon iver
"sun to me"                            : zach bryan
"ceilings"                                : lizzy mcalpine
"till forever falls apart"        : ashe, finneas
"september"                          : james arthur
"the good side"                    : troye sivan
"before you go"                    : lewis capaldi
"wish you the best"             : lewis capaldi
"those eyes"                          : new west
"next to you"                        : new west
"past lives"                           : borns

SIDE B:

"out of the woods"               : taylor swift
"the 1"                                    : taylor swift
"cardigan"                             : taylor swift
"right where you left me"   : taylor swift
"maroon"                              : taylor swift
"blue"                                    : ed sheeran
"page"                                   : ed sheeran

I.
"fire"
two feet

II.
"next to you"
new west

III.
"those eyes"
new west

IV.
"all through the night"
sleeping at last

V.
"i saw you in a dream"
the japanese house

I.
"howl"
florence + the machine

II.
"mine forever"
lord huron

III.
"embody me"
novo armor

IV.
"carry you"
novo armor

V.
"the 30th"
billie eilish

I.
"i'll keep you safe"
sleeping at last

II.
"turning page"
sleeping at last

III.
"the moon song"
beabadoobee, oscar lang

IV.
"chasing cars"
(sleeping at last cover)
&
(grace gaustad cover)

V.
"two"
sleeping at last

I.
"gimme love"
joji

II.
"sanctuary"
joji

III.
"glimpse of us"
joji

IV.
"your man"
joji

V.
"like you do"
joji

VI.
"wanted u"
joji

VII.
"i'll see you in 40"
joji

VIII.
"slow dancing in the dark"
joji

IX.
"will he"
joji
[she]

X.
"afterthought"
joji, benee

XI.
"yukon (interlude)"
joji

7:10 a.m.
and i'm already
having an
emotional
breakdown . .

is the room really foggy
or is it just my eyes?

I'm sorry
I know you're busy.

I will learn to walk
on my own.

What I meant to say was
could you please
help me walk?...

If I go
would you even cry?

I never know
if the externalities
cause my internalities
or vice versa.

Hold me more,
it makes the frost bite
reverse.

If we had the chance,
would you want me
to love you?

I'm sorry
I know that you are busy

I'm sorry
I love you.

I'm sorry..

i'm sorry if i seem distant

i'm sorry if i seem different

i'm sorry if i seem like i don't have as much to say like i used to

i'm just trying to give you some space

some space from me, i suppose

if that's what you feel you need.

"I'm sorry.."

It's okay..
I should have done
something sooner.

I took a walk this evening
barefoot.
Just in socks actually.
my peachy pink ones that only
go up to my ankle.

I took a walk this evening
in just my socks,
just to feel something different.
i felt a little more human.
a little less A.I.
and a little cold on the soles of my feet.

i wonder if there'll be a day when
i can go places and not be
looking over my shoulder to see
if my mom is following me.
watching me.
smothering me.
protecting me.
controlling me.
i know she means well.
but she's doing it all wrong.
but apparently, i have to be a mother
in order to be able to spot bad parenting.

i look up at the vast blackness
and see a star
trillions of miles away.
i wonder if it's even a star at all.
it could be a planet.
mars or venus i suppose.

i wonder what it must be like
to be a bright burning mass
far...far away from here...
where people could only look at you
from a distance
and see the beauty that you are...
sparkling...twinkling...brilliant...light...
up close we aren't as beautiful.
maybe only to the ones who don't love us
for who we really are.

as i walk home, i walk along the lines
along the sidewalk cement.
i stretch my arms outwards
on both sides of my body
and make-believe i'm an acrobat
dozens of feet in the air...

i hate falling.
it either hurts or just makes me overthink what the pain will feel like once the fall is complete.
i look up.
i look up at that vast twinkling darkness . . .
i am no longer falling,
i am  f l y i n g . . .

a world without you
is a world without music.

I see the frustration
in your eyes
for that brief fraction of a moment
when no body else
is looking.
For a while I felt I understood.

As I know things haven't
been going the way you
need.

"I love you"
I want to say to you now
& every second that I am breathing...

paranoia.
guilt?
shame.

shadows dancing down the stairwell.
wide-eyed side glances toward the hall.

flashback:

slouched
like a crescent moon.
vulnerable like never before,
i allow myself to be seen
as i sink further into the brown fabric.

"you just sunk your ship deeper."

fear-striken eyes.
no . . . used to the defeat.

trembling fingertips
aimlessly yet methodically
tapping at glass.
hopeless.
useless.

tear-stained cheeks,
rubbed-raw skin
& bloodshot eyes.
hallows beneath my
chocolate brown
windows.

a heat-kissed flush
paints my face
as i gingerly sweep
a curtain of hair
from my view.

my view of my
nightmare.
only i'm not asleep.

fast forward:

frozen.
silent.
listening for footsteps.
coward
no . . .
guilt?
no . . .
shame.

i just sunk my ship deeper.

~

you mirror me

you follow my every move

two magnets

two puzzle pieces we didn't know were missing

you match me

i write in all lowercase

and i watch how you slowly follow my unintentional lead

i cross my arms, you cross yours

i look to the left, and you follow my gaze . . .

it's only been summer for days

but it feels like eternity lying here with you

why is this just so easy with you?

what is this new space i have yet to explore?

where has this abundant place of possibility been?

why is this just so natural with you? . . .

~

2 trips around the sun together

the song is happy
so why do i feel sad?

the song is hopeful and true..
so why do i feel scared?

fingers interlocked

legs intertwined

minds interconnected

hearts beating in sync

souls interlaced

in love with your light and darkness..

your beautiful, maddening mind..

you say we're not enemies

but why do i feel your deafening silence
and icy distance?

i don't know who i am in your eyes
i only know who i am..

i don't know what you feel when you see me..
is it everything?
is it nothing?
is it passion?
is it repulsion?

i no longer allow emotion to pass through my fingers

afraid that if i show any, you'll leave again..

so i pretend to be monotone..

thinking you'd like that more..

while inside i'm bursting with color and vibrant skies
that i once shared and wish i could once more and for good..

but i keep my distance..

i keep my guard up..

i'll be cool and collected

not emotional and expressive..

i will never let you see how much you leaving again scares me..

it isn't always about
impressing anyone

but more about
impressing ourselves

self-image

it isn't always about
being pleasing to the eye

but more about
being comfortable in our
own flesh and blood

self-expression

let's let it be
more
celebrating
more
emphasizing
more
accentuating
more
embra­cing
what we fail to see that we already have

let's let it be
less
hiding
less
covering
less
masking
less
modifying
what we fail to see as
b e a u t i f u l.

self-worth:

it isn't always about
not seeing our worth
or not feeling good enough

it's more of
knowing our worth
and adding to it.

self-love:

it isn't selfish.
it's  n e c e s s a r y .

we cannot love another
without having loved
ourselves first.

no conditions.
no expectations.
no judgement.
only forgiveness.
only empathy.

self-knowledge:

one cannot know another
without having gotten to know
oneself first.

to know is to
see
listen
look
hear
seek
understand
learn
adjust
grow
forgive­.

there is beauty in all of us.
the greatest tragedy is
to be convinced otherwise.

no more hiding,
only embracing.

no more separating
ourselves
from who we are.

our idea of "perfection" does not exist.
you are imperfect
and that is perfect.

i had a smile on my face

a pep in my step

and a light that never left

it never even strayed...

i knew i was made for love

but no clue for a one like this...

felt i was too much or not enough

and that you'd eventually see that through...

"i am not leaving as long as you want me here...you're stuck with me"

you'd say over and over and over...

but no amount of repetition would convince me otherwise.

you'll see someday i thought...
one day you'll see i'm too much & you'll run away
as if it is bound to happen...

but until then...