A pretty girl smiled at me
I looked away
I find myself in this position often
Life--
Begging me to make the first move
To say something
To call first
To stop standing there
I hear life in my ear
"The phone works two ways you know!"
But I never dial
One girl
One smile
A moment that could of ended just as a began
Or a moment that could have lasted a life time
I'll never know

I'll never know...
I'll never know...
I'll never know...

I want to know...
I want to know...
I want to know...

...What it's like to live
To try---
To smile back

I see now that you never loved me
Even now I think
You try to believe you still can
one day--
Love me

But my love for you was like a flower
Several little petals
The kind that
If the wind blew,
Would float away

It wasn't the kind of flower you usually shopped for
But it was beautiful enough

So you put the flower on display
One that took up enough space
So that you noticed it everyday

you never loved me
you loved the way I made you see

Yourself

And on days you needed to love yourself
You plucked a petal
You gathered them in a glass box

But when the glass was full
It broke

And when there was nothing left
But an ugly stem--

You never plucked again

Some call it depression
But I like to think of my parents as dancers
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3
They come together
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3
They drift apart
Making eye contact the whole time
Some days Dad takes the lead
Starting slow
Staring out into nothing
Maybe it's for a second
A second is okay right?
A second becomes minutes
I watch his mouth
His eyes
For some movement
And nothing
A steady gaze
A graceful dancer
The music speeds up and so does he
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3
His jaw tightens
His fists clench
His voice shakes
As if he's scared
Scared of his own ability to destroy
Like a strike of a match
Or a shot of a gun
Slowly the music fades
He watches his moves carefully
Letting the music guide his last step
Holding his hand steady in front of him
Lending the floor to Mom
She touches the dance floor
Suddenly, rapidly
Making her way to the spotlight
Mom never cared for slow music
Swift movements
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3
Faster and faster as the beat picks up
Lifting her head up towards the sky
And down towards the ground rapidly
Using her fists as hammers
Against anything closest to her
Doors
Cabinets
Counters
Her eyes move just as fast as her feet
Losing direction
Her voice gets louder
Louder and louder
Until it cracks away to silence
All or nothing
The music stops
And so does she
Voices become muffled
Almost as if no one is talking at all
Call her name a few times
She'll hear you then
Speak up if that doesn't work
She'll give you a gaze
Mom and Dad love dancing
Some will say my parents are depressed
But my parents are just dancers

There's gotta be something more than this.
For the past few days I catch myself whispering this
A daydream
You're next to me
Your smile still looks the same
You smile only when your genuinely happy
I know its real
I've always loved that about you
Your hands lay in my lap
Our legs against each other
I look at you
There's gotta be something more than this
I tell you how there must be
I squeeze your hand tight
Knowing that I would have to hold it tight if I wanted to keep it
We stare out into the ocean until the daydream becomes faint
A daydream
The one that enters my mind when I'm alone
I whisper
There's gotta be something more than this
but you see there isn't
My name only comes to your mind when your phone screen reads my text
Your smile is just a moment
It came, it went
And perhaps this daydream is just the thing I wish I would have told you when I felt us drift
Almost 2 years ago now
I don't know if that makes me crazy
Obsessive
Tender hearted
Or just someone that really, truly loved you
After all this time I can't ******* believe it's still you
There's gotta be something more than this.

Words carved on the bedroom desk in a mental hospital

- My path is oblivious
- You are not alone anymore
- I still have my blade
- Dont cry
- My ex made me insane
- Some can't be saved
- I need to talk to Austin! My anxiety is acting up!
- I insert heart *****
- Better off dead
- Stay Strong
- I'm ******
- We're even, 911
- Bella insert heart
- I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up
- I choose death
- Smile, you're beautiful
- I'll never tell
- God will show you the path
- **** those who said they'd always be here for me!
- Dear people, don't do this *******
- Get me out of here, I feel trapped
- Life's complicated
- **** this system!
- Why can't she love me like she used to? I insert heart Anaquin
- God is heal
- Him insert heart
- Her insert heart
-  You don't need someone else to make you happy
- It gets better
- We're not even
- **** your faith
- Sometimes I feel like no one understands
- I'm gay
- Nero Michelle Granillo + Mario Jonathan Larios 12•06•13
- I'm scared
- Let it be 11-23-13
- Help me get out
- You're pretty
- Eat me out
- I like your face
- Tired
- My taste in music is your face
- I've been here 2 weeks
- I want out
- Stay strong
- I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain


At the time these words comforted me and brought me closer to something. I felt closer to peace the more I wrote. I'll never know the people who wrote these things or why I wrote them down nearly three years ago and decided to write about it publicly now but I do know who carved the last one. Stay strong, time will give you peace.

I crave fire
My chest ignites the flame
The desire to burn
What belongs to me; My life
My feet carry me through the flames
A flame for every regret
Every prayer that went out my mouth
Just to fall at my feet
I will pour gasoline on every floor board
And wipe the dust of the footsteps
Of the people that stood still
I will turn my pain into a pile of ashes
And cradle it in my hands
To feel what it is to hold my pain
Instead of letting it hold me
I will let the light of the fire guide me out of the shambles
And to a place where my name exist only in my head
Where the smoke that will paint the sky
Will come out of my lungs
And the flames that swallowed the sorrow
Will flicker in my eyes

For what it is worth
I saw the light in you
I tried to find ways to tell you this
But I realize now that the light I saw
Was just a hope that you would see it too