I've never acknowledged my depression
And as soon as I do
I want to die
But I dont really
I just want to stop hurting
And sometimes I just want to feel something
And right now it is both
My heart hurts and my body feels numb
Theres a pit in my stomach that cant be filled up
I feel like I'm void
Of everything but sadness
Like I'm a black hole for happiness
I used to be "happy"
But now I know it was just a mask
Because everything was buried
And now it's on the surface
And I just want it gone again
I want to pretend like I dont care that I dont have friends
I want to go back to when nothing phased me
I thrived on stress and I didnt go crazy
I was used to abuse so I was never really me
I had created my own alternate reality
One without rape and drugs and alcoholism
One where I didnt stand up and I just took the hate and criticism
One where I was sad all the time
But I was so busy pretending to be "happy"
That I didn't notice.
I'm grateful to be at a point where I can feel like I'm myself. But I'm also terrified because so many things are coming to the surface and I'm afraid you're going to run and hide. I dont want to lose you but I keep pushing you away and one day you're gonna say "I'm done" and that's it. My biggest fear will be realized ten-fold because I'll be without you and I'll die sad and alone.