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Mar 25 · 150
Feeling
Geanna Mar 25
F earing what's on the other side          
E veryone turns around and takes the longer route
E ven those who we see as hero's          
L ying is all they do and what we hear
I nventing new ways to go on with life
N umbing the pain is what we try to    
  do  
G oing too far just because of what we fear
Sep 2018 · 573
The line of life and death
Geanna Sep 2018
I'm losing them, i'm losing them all. One by one, as they drop
I was getting better. Things were fine. but then this darkness desides to pass by. Here I am, now a bit over a month clean, sadly still feeling depressed, with no defeat. I was smiling today, I was even laughing, then they ask "how are you?" I answered with a smile "I'm depressed". they laughed and smiled and tried to relate. little did they know it was all fake and almost too late. Earlier today I swear I was gonna do it. I was right there standing at that line. The line of life and death. I went for a walk and sat there. I sat where what could've been a death scene and pondered. I pondered about my future, my friends, my family, my lover. I had the note ready for them in my back pocket. Eventually I decided I should wait one more day. Maybe by then something will change.
Jul 2018 · 335
Shorties
Geanna Jul 2018
Deep inside where nothing's fine
I think I finally lost my mind
.....
The deeper I think
The deeper I seem to sink
.....
I don't want to be me
I don't want to be someone else
I just want to disappear
.....
And then the last thread snapped,
leaving her without a reason ..
A reason to breathe
.....
Flavored bullet shots
Deadly love
Stolen screams
And broken cries
Jul 2018 · 303
Confused mind
Geanna Jul 2018
No one will truly know how badly messed up
my mind and thoughts are

I want to commit suicide
yet I don't

I want to slice my wrist but I
have to do it some place else

I want to push everyone away
yet I don't want to be lonely

What the **** is wrong with me?
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 291
The Urge
Geanna Jun 2018
I didn't do it last night
I couldn't do it last night
It's driving me crazy
I feel as if I need to do it
The urge is making me
want to do it deeper and deeper

I feel like a smoker who hasn't had a cigarette within hours
They need the nicotine, They need their new drug

A rubber band is not as good as a blade
It never has been
It never will be

A rubber band stings
it doesn't scar
it doesn't permanently leave a mark
it doesn't make you bleed like a blade would

What does a blade do?
A blade is something that you can really control
You control how deep you want it
You control where it'll strike next
You control how long it'll last

It's like a power
A ****** power that's very addictive
I feel as if i'll explode without it
As if i'll go mad without it
As if i'll die without it

I need it
I want it
I have to have it
~ G.P.O

I made this on June 19, 2017
I am happy to say that I no longer feel this way and I have improved
Jun 2018 · 372
Lonely
Geanna Jun 2018
I feel like nobody cares
Nobody wants to talk or
to hang out with me

As if i'm alone in everything that happens
I'm alone in everything I do

Sometimes I feel so alone I get scared
I start to feel vulnerable
weak
pathetic
worthless
...

Sometimes it gets so bad I feel like crying
And at time, I actually do

During times like this
I just want someone to hug me close
and tell me "It's going to be okay"

I know it's a lie
I know it won't be okay
But I just want someone to comfort me
I just wanna believe it

At that very moment i'll start to
feel a bit better
safe
warm
comforting

I'll start to feel like maybe someone cares
I won't feel so alone
..
I might even feel a bit worthy
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 390
Would You
Geanna Jun 2018
What if one day
  I get so numb that
    I try to slowly cross a busy road?

Would you watch me slowly walk towards
the cars?
Would you watch as I continue to walk,
  ignoring the horns and people yelling?
   Would you watch as my body flies
    before hitting the ground?
     Would you watch as my blood stains
      the now red road?
       Would you watch as people scream
        in horror?
         Would you watch as my soul
          leaves my body?
           Would you watch as the
            ambulance rushes over to
             save me?
              Would you watch as
               sadness and horror
                takes over your
                 body?

Or would you have
tried to save me?
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 312
Suicidal Tendencies
Geanna Jun 2018
I feel like i'm alone
I feel like i'm a lost soul

As if no one will dare
to show me that they truly care

I have an urge to relapse
I wonder if that'll pass

It's like no one can see
that i'm not really free

I want to be at at peace
will that be ease?

I want to hold up my white flag
when I should be playing tag

Maybe one day i'll look up at the sky
and say my final goodbye
~ G.P.O
I made this last year, the day after my birthday
Jun 2018 · 583
Disorders
Geanna Jun 2018
Do you know it feels to look
in the mirror and be
disgusted with what you see?
To always think you're a fat pig

Do you know how it feels to starve?
To feel your body eat itself
To hear your stomach
beg you for food

Do you know how it feels to
constantly work out?
To continue even if you're tired
and start crying

Do you know how it feels to force
yourself to *****?
To re-taste every meal and
have it all come rushing back out
To clean your ***** off of the toilet

If not, then congrats
You don't have Body Dysmorphia, Anorexia nor Bulimia

If so, then i'm truly sorry
just know that you're not alone
Things will eventually get better, I promise
~ G.P.O
I made this a bit over a year ago. I added the very last part
Jun 2018 · 785
Happy Birthday
Geanna Jun 2018
A smile replaced with a frown
A laughter replaced with tears
A happy thought replaced with a sad one

The day that my birth is celebrated
Is the day that I worry
It's the day that I never thought would come

16 years alive
5 years of battling my own mind

My body stands here
scarred
damaged
struggling
..
but still functioning

5 years down, many more to come
Cheers to me and cheers to you all
Happy Birthday to me
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 394
Stop pretending
Geanna Jun 2018
I told her that I was tired of faking it
Faking a smile and a laugh
Tired of trying to be 'Okay'
when i'm not

She told me "Then stop pretending"
It took me awhile before I did that

Now I don't pretend as much
At times I fake a smile and a laugh
Just so they won't feel awkward

People are asking me if i'm
okay
..
Even her

Why tell me to do something
if you're going to
Question it?

Here I am,
lying to her constantly
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 284
I'm sorry
Geanna Jun 2018
You're supposed to be there by my side
every day and every night
You're supposed to bend your back when
I bend mine
You're supposed to help me and support
me with everything I do

Yes we do have arguments
Yes we do have disagreements
But at the end of the day
You love me and I love you

Lately things have changed a bit
you go against me or
I go against you

You want a future with me
But i'm not so sure if I see
a future for myself

You try helping, but it's not working
i'm sorry darling
i'm just not worthy
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 271
To Think
Geanna Jun 2018
I think too much
yet
I don't think at all
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 276
Coming Out
Geanna Jun 2018
It can be scary coming out of the closet
Escpecially to your parents

It's sad to know he won't
accept it
He won't accept me

So I have to hide it
Pretend i'm just into the opposite gender
It's hard at times
It *****

Parents are suppose to accept
you for who you are
To love you no matter what

But for me
..
Lies are everywhere
I can never truly be who
I am

He will disown me
See me in a different way
I'll lose him
..
For being who I am
~ G.P.O
I wrote this before I came out to my parents. I changed it a bit. My mother accepted me. My father found out about me. An ex-girlfriend broke up with me through text and he read it. He almost kicked me out. He's still in denial about me. If I were to have a girlfriend I'd have to keep it a secret from him.
Jun 2018 · 298
Gone
Geanna Jun 2018
They tell me to be happy
They say they want me to be happy

How can I find happiness in something
that doesn't make me happy?
How can I be happy in a world
full of pain and suffering?

I have to find it myself, right?
What if I don't find it worthy?
What if I successfully commit suicide?

You can't help a dead girl
You can't save a dead girl

All you can do is sit there
wondering what went wrong
wondering how did you miss it all
wondering why couldn't you save me

But i'll be gone by then
There's nothing you could do about it
The pain will always be there
..
Scarring you forever
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 353
lost
Geanna Jun 2018
I've never felt so empty before
  Never felt so numb
..
Actually, i'm not sure if i'm feeling
numb
  empty
     or both
I feel as if my legs will give up any
  second now
    and i'll breakdown crying

Poking the tips of my finger with a pencil
  reassuring I can still feel
    reassuring i'm still here

But am I truly?
  At times I feel as if
    i've left for awhile

Am I back or still missing?

If only I can escape
  to some fantasy world
    where I can truly disappear
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 287
Scars
Geanna Jun 2018
Have you ever missed something so much,
It actually starts to hurt?

I miss the beautiful artwork I would create
on my body, the old ones are still there
But I want to create new ones

I miss painting the lovely color of
Dark red on my light brown skin
I miss the after look,
To see how far i've gone
I see the old ones and admire them
While others see them with such sad eyes

They don't understand
I don't expect them to
If only I can do it again
And again
  And again  
    And again  

To never get tired of it
My lovely artwork    
My lovely scars      
       My lovely blades  
Oh I miss you so
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 437
Feelings
Geanna Jun 2018
It' odd to not be sure how you're feeling
To not know what's going on inside your own head
You're a mystery that can only be solved by yourself
Sometimes I feel like people can control if
They want to feel something or not
For them it's a switch

It's not so easy for me
It takes a lot just to block it out
The pain,                
The thoughts,    
The urges...

It's hard to control an urge
Your gut and your mind says "yes"
Regardless of your answer
Your mind is high, not letting you think straight
Maybe deep down inside your heart
You know it's wrong
But you can't help it

Feelings are so very complicated
Maybe they're a curse
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 273
Forever and Always
Geanna Jun 2018
You're the love of my life, my good luck charm, my one and only, hopefully my future husband.
You can never understand how I feel about you, about us.
I never want us to end. You hold a very special place in my heart.

                            Forever and always, my lover
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 198
Her little girl
Geanna Jun 2018
I could hear the sadness
  In her voice
The voice that was once filled
  With joy
...
Is now gone
Every thought she had of me, now darkened

Everything is different now
Nothing will ever be the way
It once was before
No thought, no joke, no look
...
Nothing

I was once her strong little soldier
Now I worry her
Now she knows the truth
...
That i'm weak

Her little girl is gone
she waved her white flag
and said her goodbyes

Goodbye
~ G.P.O
This is for my mother.
Jun 2018 · 247
Me
Geanna Jun 2018
Me
It hurts me to tell them lies
To tell them "I'm fine" when i'm not
  To fake a smile and a laugh  
   To look them dead in the eyes    
    And have them believe me      

It also hurts me to tell them the truth
To watch them cry
  For them to ask and ponder what they did wrong  
   To see the sadness in their eyes    
    To know that it's my fault      

Because it is ... My fault
   I did this  
      I created this      
         Me ... I did it
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 234
My Demons
Geanna Jun 2018
She's mine, mine to keep
She's in too deep
I promise i'll be a tease
Slice and dice you'll beg me please
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 323
Her End
Geanna Jun 2018
Her wraps, her tears, her health, Oh dear
She's fading, she's gone, once it's past dawn
She's smiling, she's laughing, like she's truly happy
She's suffering, she's dying, she finally stopped trying
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 197
Suicide
Geanna Jun 2018
Melt away, let your body decay
while you're away, you'll make them pay
Tears are shed, cries are heard
You're free now, as free as a bird
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 192
Darkness
Geanna Jun 2018
Losing control of my own mind
It's all darkness, nothing shines
They yell and scream, they feed me lies
The pain it hurts so much inside
You think it's time I finally die?
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 217
His End
Geanna Jun 2018
He cuts his skin
He cuts it deep
He pulls the trigger
He's fast asleep
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 186
Cutting
Geanna Jun 2018
1 cut
2 cuts
3 cuts
4
As much as it takes, I must do more
5 cuts
6cuts
7cuts
8
Oh my, it'll be too late
9 cuts
10 cuts
11 cuts
12
It's an addiction now, oh well
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 166
Smile
Geanna Jun 2018
Smile through the pain
Smile through the tears
Darling, it'll get better throughout the years
~G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 176
Depression
Geanna Jun 2018
Inside I feel so empty, broken, worthless, helpless, ect..
I try my hardest to hide it and to block it out
I feel as if i'm re-discovering depression
~ G.P.O
I wrote this down about a year ago
Jun 2018 · 173
A Promise
Geanna Jun 2018
I was feeling down
I was not thinking
I was listening to them
I was being stupid
..
Now i've changed
I'll never, ever do it again
I'll get better, I promise
~ G.P.O
I wrote this after one of my suicide attempts.
Jun 2018 · 219
Another Battle
Geanna Jun 2018
The feeling of loneliness takes over once again. This is a bit different, I admit. Day and night I sit and cry, I've finally stopped asking why. I feel like I lost all my friends, I lost all my family. it's a mess, the thoughts in my head. I know they love me, I know they care. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. By here I mean home, the home that they own. No one else is around, in the cold dark water I forever drown. All I have left is my lover. No brothers, no sisters, no father, no mother. I blind them with a smile, the smile that they trust. Soon it'll bust. The secrets, the lies, they're gonna ask "why?". Why didn't I say, why didn't I tell, why didn't I go out looking for help. But I did mother, I did father, I did brothers and sisters and oh my lover, I tried, I tried with all my might. I fought, I cried, I just need to find out why.
~ G.P.O
This is obviously not the best, but I tried and i'm still learning .. i'd love to hear your guys thoughts :)
Jun 2018 · 169
The Darkness Within
Geanna Jun 2018
The coldness sweeps in, the thoughts start racing, the darkness takes over. It chains me down. It makes me beg. It makes me cry. "you are mine and mine to keep, i'll make you lay in eternal peace." I shut my mouth, I close my eyes as I start to cry and wonder why. They tell me to hush or things will get worse. I hold things inside, soon i'll burst.
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 183
To Fly
Geanna Jun 2018
Fly birdies, fly. We'll fly real high. we'll soar through the sky.
~ G.P.O
If you get the hidden message then you're most likely another broken soul
Jun 2018 · 255
My Lover
Geanna Jun 2018
The thought of him never ends
He never leaves my mind
He's a constant thought

He's my heart and soul
My heart beats for him
My soul lives for him

Without him there is no me
Without me there is no him
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 181
Jane Doe
Geanna Jun 2018
No one is here

It's empty, she said
It's cold, she whispered
It's dark, she thought

"Forever alone" they laughed
"Forever alone" she cried

She's a viral joke yet to be said
She's a mystery yet to be solved
She's a safe yet to be discoverd

She is Jane Doe
~ G.P.O
Jun 2018 · 178
Secrets
Geanna Jun 2018
The secrets are out
It has been poisoned

Don't read it
        Don't look at it
          Don't touch it

                         What's done is done
~ G.P.O

— The End —