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Shut the door
Lock everyone out
Do it because
That’s all I’m good at now

Darkness is my friend
Sitting in my room alone
Becomes the daily trend
And when I wake up
I’ll do it all over again
Every situation that I been through,
is just full of darkness,
All through my life,
I hardly talked about it though,
It gives me pain and suffering,
I been hurt too many times,
that it hard for me to live,
I want to live and not give up,
it just that i been mentally in pain,
and also i just feel a burden,
Mostly I feel like way cause their certain people,
People that made me feel that way,
I feel so useless cause of
no one lets me help them with anything,
I feel like that my heart is like billions of pieces,
that it would be hard to fix,
I just wish that my pain just to go away,
cause my life is full of darkness and sadness.
 Sep 2018 Geanna
Spades
I always have this nightmare.

This nightmare has no ghosts, or zombies, or anything unreal.
This nightmare I have is about a sad boy, who hates the world and struggles with everything in life.
This nightmare is about a boy who can’t focus on studying  because he has to focus on keeping the rope under the bed.

This nightmare is about a boy who can’t focus on eating because he has to fight that urge whenever crossing a bridge.
This nightmare is about a boy who can’t have friends because of his anxiety and his lack of ability to cope with life.
This nightmare is about a boy who uses alcohol and drugs as a crutch because it works better than therapy and pills.

This nightmare is about a boy who still cries over his mother, creating memories of her instead of reliving them because she was gone before he was born.
This nightmare is about a boy with no dad because he ran away from the future of this boy.
This nightmare is about a boy who tries to forget about the pain by inflicting pain on himself.

This nightmare is about a sad boy who is lost.

This nightmare is real.

That boy is me.

I’m still waiting to wake up.
I don't know anymore :(
 Jun 2018 Geanna
dina
relapse
 Jun 2018 Geanna
dina
there will always be
someone who picks up
a cigarette
after eight years of hiding them
locked up in the bottom drawer

there will always be
someone who uncaps
a beer
after four months of listening
to the words of their daughter

there will always be
someone who goes back
to a lover
after a time they thought was an eternity
of forgetting them, moving on from them,
when really nothing has changed
and the progress they thought they had made
was nothing
 Jun 2018 Geanna
Sunflower
I’m so sick of constantly being rushed, I’m sick of being told I’m doing something wrong, I so ******* done with being threatened to be beaten the **** out of it have my stuff smashed by both ******* parents. Im sick of being told that not wanting to do something is wrong or being made to feel so.
I just don’t get why it’s okay for a parent to tell you that they are going to beat the living **** out of you.
Or “oh you’re cutting yourself because you want attention, but don’t worry if I tell you that everyday you’ll realise that it’s stupid, because Tianna is such a independent, down to earth girl, who really just wants to fit in.”
“Oh yea she was in hospital, she slipped and fell. And had to get stitches, she’s fine now though. I’m totally not lying because I’m disappointed and very embarrassed that my daughter turned out to be a disgusting, lazy, attention seeker.”
“Oh how’s Tianna? She’s great she has her faults more than not but she’s honestly great to have around lie and I used to trust her so so much”
“I’ve thought about kicking you out, again. But, that would look bad on ME. Don’t you know how much I ******* hate you sometimes. Like, I look at you and have no love for you. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.
You’re behaviour reflects on ME. And those scars make ME feel sick.”
Oh cause don’t worry mummy you don’t need to worry about me anymore because you can’t worry about someone who doesn’t worry about themselves.
I’m just so done with acting like nothing is wrong.
Or actually being scared when someone says they have a problem, but not the scared scared. Like the scared of how you’re gonna punish yourself this time
Feeling the need to say sorry 100 times and assure them that you care deeply about them 200 times
I’m so sick of feeling like EVERYONE has a problem. When really it’s me who has a ‘problem’
Don’t take this the wrong way but that’s one thing about love. When you are so deeply in love with a person their hurt falls on you too. Their anger angers you. Then arguments. Both of you are ****** up and broken. But you love eachother so much that you just keep on relying on one another to climb up the wall then pull you up too
But that’s the thing both of you are too ******* weak to do that
So it’s a cycle of getting down, climbing up, failing at pulling up the other one, getting down, then switch
Self harm is self harm. Excessively or not it’s still stupid. Temporary pain even the smartest people know won’t help in the long run
But we all repeat and repeat. Oh but it looks so pretty and it’s beauty distracts me from the **** truth.
But the pain is always gonna ******* linger and linger until one day you realise that sad isn’t the only way. Sad is one way. The wrong way but looks so identical to happiness it’s cousin from across town.
So many people make the mistake of mistaking happy as sad but they all one day find the path to happy.
After walking past so many signs saying no. No this is not the way
They finally realise that the only person who can help them is themselves
In the words of Neil Hilborn; “I don’t think being creative and mentally ill is just related, i believe it’s the same thing.”

I hate my mind.
Actual rant to my girlfriend :/
 Jun 2018 Geanna
Alexis Ingram
Each scar on my wrist has a name, but to keep it secret I’ll list them as letters to avoid giving them the fame:

Q- Quivering lips didn’t keep you from taking my innocence. The horrible sound of my legs clenched and pants unzipped.

D- Depression ruled your life and slowly taught mine the only way to feel is to feel nothing more than unreal.  

Z- Zombified eyes made me realize you only wanted what was between my thighs. Objectified and used, it didn’t matter to you.

R- Robbed my heart of just about everything. Unfaithfulness and lack of loyalty led to my mistrusting.  

A- Aggression isn’t a sign of affection. To pretend is a hard act but to defend is even harder.

These are the five people that led me to scar, and if they read this, they would know exactly who they are.
 Jun 2018 Geanna
Brad post
Help Me
 Jun 2018 Geanna
Brad post
Listen to my story,
and you might think twice before,
you proceed to judge me,
and show me to the door.

If you only knew the fear,
and the courage this took,
maybe then you would listen,
and give me a second look.

An alcoholic father,
who puts his hands on me,
is what I come home to,
everyday at three-fifteen.

A mother who blames me,
for the abuse that I recieve.
Never raising a finger,
to pack me up and leave.

A day full of insults,
as I walk through the halls,
and a foot in the aisles,
and laughter when I fall.

I never learned morals,
through all of my abuse,
nor the love of a parent,
so what is your excuse?

Does it make you feel better,
to make me feel small?
To just keep on pushing,
until I break down and bawl.

I never asked for this life,
for this heartache and shame.
I have enough problems,
without being your game.

I can cover up the bruises,
with second-hand clothes,
and I can walk with my head down,
so the guilt doesn't show.

But I can't ignore the fear,
that lives within me.
The fear of going home,
of how bad today will be.

I'm asking for help,
and for someone to stand.
For someone to listen,
and do what they can.

I understand rules,
and just how they work.
But why do the rules,
neglect someone who's hurt?

You can see all the bruises,
the scars and the burns.
Each one a lesson,
daddy thought I should learn.

So don't look at me,
as if I'm burdening you.
Because you only know a little,
of what I've been through.

I'm begging for help,
and for you to save me.
So please be my hero,
before three-fifteen.
 Jun 2018 Geanna
BoringBoy
Dear bully,

Why bully me?

Is it because I'm not the brightest?
Is it because I'm not the most bubbly?
Is it because I'm not unbelievably loving?
Or maybe...
Is it because I exist and that alone?

My dear sweet bully,

Do you like it when you hurt me?

Does it quench your thirst when I struggle to hold back my tears?
Are you satisfied when you become one of my many fears?
Do you keep an eye open for the knife that may end your night?
Or maybe...
You just like it when I'm vulnerable and broken because you feel better about your cracks.

Finally, my undying bully,

What would it take for you to stop bullying me?

Do you want my bloodlust craving blade to open your throat?
Or maybe just a kiss to end your petty attention to me...ew
Maybe you don't want anything but to be better, because you envy me...
Or maybe...
I disturb you because I remind you of who you can never be...

So let me ask you one final time...
Daddy, why must you bully me?
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