I guess I wanted you to know
this heart
this storm
the way pen and paper does.
I wanted my lips to be yours like morning coffee.
I wanted you to feel what a single song could do to sadness,
what I could do to sadness...
I can’t take it away,
but I could give you a break.
I don’t know why I keep writing about you,
wanting about you,
sleeping about you,
when you don’t have the love want...
maybe not for me.

...trying to take this heart,
this healing,
all this fragile,
day by day
task by task.
a new getting out of bed.

some days I am still healing,
others...
the wound has just
opened back up for me
and I’m stitching,
I’m breathing,
I’m moving always,
but standing still.
...one does not negate the other for me.
but I am here
and I love you.

I want to dance alongside the trees and feel free... not just look beautiful.

"… I have all this red wine
and no you to share it with.
I wish you were here...
I'd hold you and
taste wine off your lips
until we needed more
from each other. "

I’m not ok
And I’m done letting that break my heart.
I’m going to forgive myself first this time.
I’m not going to add my disappointment to my situation.
I don’t want to add lightning to dark skies anymore.

And some days it’s ok to put makeup over it and dance.

And I will not let anyone make me feel bad about it.
About being pretty and broken.
About having a big heart but not enough to keep the beating steady.
About wanting your lips as clean up of this mess.
And your hands for grounding.
For needing the sun and coffee just as much as the moon and my pen.
About smiling and breaking at the same time.
About breathing and coming back together at the hands of myself again.

I hope you learn to love a woman in her naked, in her ****, in her sad. On top of you or standing next to you. I hope you dream of holding her hand, kissing the curve in her neck. I hope you learn to love and hold love close. I hope she makes you find the moment. I hope she gathers you there and holds you. I hope her lips make you forget and remember. I hope you love you so you can build with her. I hope she kisses you when she wants to. I hope you want her to show you.

i could plan a vacation in the crook of your neck. in the curve of your hand. in the softness of your lips. i’d never need to rent out a home again. never have to sit still in a car. i’d move when you’d move. i’d inhale at your exhale. bury my heart in yours. you’d become a book to me... another way to travel without leaving.

your name is a trigger
for being wanted,
but not loved all the way through.
for being mirror that only reflects the good in you when you feel bad, sad or lonely.
your face triggers seeing myself walking on eggshells
and keeping one foot out the door in love.
your hands are a trigger for being held not tight enough and not nearly long enough.
your existence is a trigger of unrequited love that won’t stop
or fall apart like it should.

it’s taken me a very long time to realize
you were never what I wanted,
but you looked like it.
you smelled like home,
you felt like peace.
I kept mistaking you for calm
when you were just an empty room when I entered.
...and if this is what love is,
I want no parts of it.
I take away my own joy too much
to allow you to leave me wanting
and waiting too.
I’m so tired of not lying next to love at night and I don’t want to fight for love alone anymore.

today love looks like
closing out a chapter
and starting brand new.
love looks like dancing into happy
and taking the necessary
deep breaths to get there,
like leaving you beautiful,
but knowing there is more than that
waiting for me.
knowing that I am more than that and I am waiting for me.
love today looks like legs for days
gracing this earth.
vocals for miles hitting all the wrong notes in the worst beautiful way.
but nothing is more freeing than dancing in t-shirt and *******
singing songs with words both made for feeling high and simply feeling.
i’m singing through this chapter and i won’t come back to wait for you.

love today looks like morning.
the sun rises and so do i.
rising to breathe
and let go,
let go enough to give back to her,
let go enough to give back him.
making peace with being enough
for me in this present moment,
but not being what you wanted.
i am not what you want
and that is okay.
i wish you'd hold onto that
instead of repeatedly dropping
my heart or letting it come apart in your hands.

today love looks like falling water
like honey too hot to touch or hold anywhere
like snow too minor to sheet white on the ground
like ice cream too big on a sweaty summer day
like wounds continuously splitting open just before the healing
like me continuously splitting open just before the healing

today love looks like
a full body scrub.
lips
and face included.
all traces of anything not alive being removed.
all traces of anything not meant to be here gone.
feeling softer,
more free,
but no closer to ridding this body of you.
these lips
of you,
these legs
of you.
I’d clean this heart of you
if there were something made for messes there.

today looks like knowing.
it looks like coming to and realizing that making me feel hard to love has more to do with your heart than mine.

realizing you brought out the lesser parts of me.
the unease,
the pain,
the doubt,
all this waiting

and in the end you are only sadness.
and i’ve fought my whole life for happy.
i’ve fought my whole life for the opposite of you.
there are no regrets here, because this brought me closer to myself.
closer to trusting me.

all this time i was waiting for the silence,
to hear the right voice in my head.
...it took so long
because i thought I was waiting for you.

What does love look like today?

Today love looks like sweet, sultry music...
I feel myself a child of the moon,
Dancing with wine in her hands.
I feel like lavender and honey,
Sweet and attending to
Your breathing,
Your melting,
Your heavy...
Like skin on skin
Like oil on canvas
Like chocolate candles
Like running all over each other...

love today looks like
yoga right out of bed
and coffee.

...deep breathing,
with only that and this body in mind.
it looks like wanting,
wanting more for myself
wanting more of myself
wanting it all for myself
wanting everything I deserve that makes me more than myself.
...wanting myself.

working though this tension
and realizing this pain is trying to tell me something.
my body has been communicating and it has taken me 27 years to become intelligent enough to listen.

love today looks like
Balance & Composure
and a little bit of The Maine
some Jhene Aiko
and Jessie Ware.
it looks like letting myself feel everything,
but staying silent.
all these questions
that will never have answers.
all this holding when the middle is empty.
today I am dressed in red,
feeling blue.
wishing i tried to put on lipstick.

At 12:20 pm today ...
love looks like
wishing
wanting
and letting go.
wake up,
let go.
sleep,
let go.
wake up,
let go.
sleep,
let you go.
it’s never ending
...until it does,
but what will that look like?
will this ending look like you?

... love today looks like
wishing
wanting
and letting go... of you baby .

What does love look like today?

love today looks like mountains that I can’t make move or see over
like breaking and no space to sit down and put the pieces back together
love today looks like rain w/ no peace to lie down and enjoy the falling
like the sun building up its walls in reaction to me
like myself building up walls in reaction to me...

What does love look like today?

the sadness leaving,
joy coming in the morning,
getting back in bed after breakfast,
steam breaking down tension,
oil pushing through the feeling of not being touched by the other person I love,
mending and healing
after cleaning out the wounds,
lying in the night,
knowing there is light tomorrow,
God say the same ... knowing that there is living to do tomorrow.

I always exit the train before it crashes,
I am so frightened of becoming someone else’s collateral damage...
Then the sadness sets in, because I don’t know what happens once I leave.
Could I have waited a little longer?
Would I be the sun in a new story?
Would the rain stop?
Would the pain stop?
Would I stop being scared and planning ahead because of it?
Did I miss something beautiful?
... I’m sure I did.
Next time I should stay on the train and wait.
Maybe there won’t be sadness after the crash...
Maybe the rain will stop...

i'm a mess and i'm still untangling the strings
breaking down walls
breathing
being
building.
i've shed layers of dead skin,
repaired the broken
but never healing all at once...
never coming together the way i should
never falling apart when i'm ready to
never breaking at the right angles
that make it clean enough
to pick up after myself.

...What does love look like today?

Love today looks like brown butter bourbon ice cream and sunlight
Like body oil on soft legs
And smoothie cream in even softer hair
Like breathing and disappearing in sheets
Like breast free of cups that don't hold me like the universe does
Like lips that taste of caramel
And a bedroom that heals in lavender
Like woman done waiting
Like woman simply being
Like body untouched, un-tethered.

I keep feeling homesick
I don’t get to see the ocean at night anymore
There is no longer warmth there
I want to see the people smiling again
I want red bottles
And listerine
I want cologne and listerine
A beautiful full moon in your smile carried itself there
My heart almost left me to go back there
I almost left me to go back there...

Try and swim
Focus on not drowning

Catch and release this breath
Take in your hands
Try not to bite too ******* that bottom lip
Hold on to your hands
Grip something to match your grip on me
Your rhythm in these legs
Your body in these legs
Your face between these legs

Try and swim
Focus on not drowning

Inside but everywhere
You are inside but everywhere
I can only be here
Keep up here
Slow down here
Lie down here

Try and swim
Focus on not drowning

You are touching me
You keep coming up to look at me
You keep coming back to watch yourself indulge in me

Try and swim
Focus on not drowning

I can’t stop this crash
I don’t want to stop this crash
I’m trying to hold on
But you keep pushing through for me to let go
And we let go
High at the same time ...
I can swim now
I’ve let go and I’m not drowning....

My body is the makeup of both hard and softness
The reds, browns, golds...
The light and darkness of all my ancestors.
Some men have lost themselves here,
Some men have found themselves here
Most women stand stronger next to this.

I am both war grounds and silent cities.
I am both girl trying not to drown in all this sadness, all this loss...
And woman trying not to drown in all this sadness, all this loss.
I am your blonde roast that starts a riot in you first thing in the morning
And your dark roast that goes down smooth, leaving you to want for a little more...

I am both the scab healing over bruised skin
And the area surrounding it.
I am both strong legs and soft lips
...Brown skin deep enough to hide flaws still.

I am the softness in light...
And the softness of honey, but still thick enough to swim in.
I am the hardness of knees on ground, praying to the man or woman who has made me both hard and soft.

I am the woman who cannot forget enough to truly forgive,
But human enough to help you if the light goes out.
I am consistent no's and the yes that matters,
I am shattered glass and spilled milk.

This skin mirrors both the earth and everything you give the universe on a new moon .
I am both woman dancing in nothing, but a skirt to the rhythm of the ocean ...
And the ocean kissing the shore wishing to be as free as that woman.

Sometimes this mouth...
Sometimes my words bite,
Creating harsh weather,
But I am tired of making storms of people, storms of my relations.

I am both soft belly and strong back.
Something you can count on,
A woman you can be sure of.
You can bet on me,
You can stand near me,
You can fall in my presence.
...You can be both hard and soft with me.

I am not woman still healing
from scars,
from wars,
from lives,
I’m not yet ready to talk about.

I am not beautiful nor broken
I am not a poet trying to stitch together my mind in a way that makes sense...

I am not a doctor
I am not birthed as healer,
As nurturer
I am not the light,
The darkness.

I am not black woman who leads
Black woman who dances for hearts that are too afraid to beat a little unruly
I am not at all dripping lonely
Or mimicking the sun when morning comes again
I am not both enamored by life and saddened by it

I am not the lighthouse
The storm
The final destination

I am not everything you’ve ever wanted
I am not the woman who got away
I am not what you stole from you.
I am not waiting to be whole here.

I want you to choose me
choose me every time.
I want you to love me like I love me
And see me how I want to be seen
I want to stop picking up the pieces
and putting me back together again.
I don't understand why it can't be you this time.
Or why I can't stop shattering

Why I can't just feel until it feels wrong and turn back around.
I want to stop getting ready for flight
I want to stop looking for the green light
saying "run already tiara"

I am tired
the type of tired that sleep wont help.
the type of tired that wants a nap soon after waking
the type of tired that wakes depression
the type of anxiety that gives way to exhaustion.
I want to focus on me without having to constantly hold the pieces together when the sun comes up
just to drown myself in river come night.

I want to stop being scared when I feel happy with him...
like his heart is going to leave
I want to stop being scared of love
because you gave yours to me and that's not something I'd ever want again ...
because it brought me back here
cleaning up this mess again
words running through my head again
almost lovers to let go of
almost truths that I can't hold onto.
all those whispers leaving cracks within something that I built strength into.
I am so tired of shattering.
And trying to stay strong so that no one knows that I want you to hold  me.

I am just a boat in your harbor
and I wish you hadn't made it...
not ok to think about you
not ok to love you
not ok to miss you.

its a struggle to not want
to not want to be by the ocean
to not want to move by what's warm
out of fear drowning
out of fear of fire.

i take time everyday to list 3 things I've fallen in love with
and it can never again include you
you and i will never exist in the same context
there is no blue ocean floor for us
there is no thinking too far ahead for you and i
you have left nothing but drowning here
leaving me to learn to swim alone
again .

You were my first heart
The first taste I had of wanting
The closest comparison I had to
Sunrise and yoga
Black coffee and silence
Gentle hands and my skin

We were all of this
I felt like more than just this body with you next to me
Those vibrations were real
As real as this hurt
This letting go
This blue moon
This blue mood
Your lonely heart
Creating even lonelier hearts.

I think I saw the leaving in your hello
But I held on to you looking at me instead.
I am sorry for not turning away sooner,
For not running
I am sorry for not seeing that the pieces of you wouldn't come together for me.
I will do better next time  
At putting together glass meant for these hands
Meant for this heart .

I wish you would stop looking at me like I'm perfect
So you can feel good about that wall you've built between you and I.
I am not where I want to be
I am not who I want to be
My spirit isn't glowing in tune with my heart
I have been breaking and shattering my whole life.
I have been building and falling all over this place
And no one sees it
No one is here to catch me,
But I am showing you
I am letting down these walls
Trying to show you there are mirrors
Because maybe you aren't meant to stitch yourself together...
Maybe I take your hand
And you take mine...
Maybe my heart wasn't meant to be broken my whole life
Before I knew I had the chance,
The choice,
To share it with someone.  
The chance,
The choice,
To choose you.

"i think I lost my halo
trying to make sure you were breathing
trying to attach you to the sun
i know i lost some of my energy
my vibe aint high like before
but i was trying to bring you with me
i was trying to build a silver lining
out of the breaks within your heart
but you wouldn't forget the pain
you wouldn't let go of her
and she does not love you
and holding on doesn't make it real baby
i. am. real. baby.

you saw me bending for you
and you couldn't even hold me
you shattered my heart
and you took so much light with you when you did

i was a vacation to you
something you could indulge in
something you allow yourself out of curiosity but never stay long enough to work for
but i am no Vegas
               no Miami
               no Jamaica
               no Puerto Rico
I am the ******* moon
someplace
someone
you always come back to
I am not the train baby
I am the station
and I'm not only darkness;
a place to hide
I am light
something you open for
and give back to

so next time you find
you can't take your eyes off the sun
give in because you are ready
because you are whole
and you have something to give back
to this universe
not because you are scared
and you need  
                        all this gold
                        all this honey
                                                 to fill you.

" I am my first love
I have let few men love me since
I don't want to ruin this heart
I can't afford to let go
I've never been the girl that breaks
I shatter
And I can't shatter for you

You don't even see what you have here
You are the type of boy
Who overlooks the moon
And never wakes for the sun .

I am so full of wanting
So full of honey
But you are worried about keeping your hands dry
And I am scared
That I will fill you up
And have nothing to come back to

See...
You are my second love
You smiled out of nowhere
I wasn't ready for you
But you lit everything in me
I felt it in your gaze
Your stare
You were deliberate
With me
I took a chance on you.

And I have let few men love me since
Because it always comes back to this
Just me
My first love.

i don't want to go there
ever again
I don't ever want to feel
that way...
because this time
it would be by choice
and I can't choose you.
you were curious
you were bored
very lonely
so you picked me
even though you knew
you couldn't hold me
long enough to let me feel you.
and maybe
you liked me
thought I was beautiful
and I even believe
you thought you loved me
...but really you just didn't want me to leave
to leave you lonely
and you didn't care
that coming back
didn't mean staying for you
...and that shattered me

all this time
I thought I was building up
to you

I have felt much more with you than I have felt alone
I have never been so alive next to another person
I breathe so well when you are near
And fall so open.
You don't even have to touch me
But I feel you
All over
Everywhere .
I feel how much you miss me
You holding me is my coming together
I am covered in your love when you look at me
Never stop looking at me .
Your hands give my skin life
Your lips make my being leave ground
You are beautiful
You are mine
I want to never give up on you .

"You were a moment . You are not beautiful enough, you don't give back enough to interrupt my solitude. "

Life is short
You don't want me or my love
So why waste my heart?
Don't you think I'm beautiful?
I'd think you'd love me enough to let me go...
If not I'll just keep coming back because you keep smiling at me...
It really changes your face,
First handsome then beautiful
You should really let someone capture it sometime.
I think it's why I wanted to know you,
Maybe I should have looked away,
But you smiling
Is staggering,
I couldn't,
I could never.

My mother and her mother lived lonely.
2. I want to be held without being held captive.
3. I keep trying to find reasons to lay next to you.
4.  I can’t bear feeling lonely when I am not alone.
5. I can’t make me love you.
6. Even the man I long for knows I am leaving.
7. I am scared you will understand me and I will no longer belong to myself.
8. My brother, is his father… their feet carry them the same.
9. I am scared that you will find my love inadequate
10. You will become wanderlust and realize I have nothing resembling a map inside me.
11. A part of me is simply yearning to take you in my mouth… these hands.
12. I am a woman who is vocal in my wanting.
13. You will not **** me voiceless.
14. I sometimes confuse your silence with leaving.
15. I don’t want our love to be synonymous with chains.
16.  I need you to love me gently.
17. I have come too far.
18. Leave me wild here.
19. I want you honest. I want you kind.
20. I am both goddess and human.
21. I think if I run fast enough I won’t feel you leaving.
22. My skin is wet with regrets for all the times I stayed silent. The times I tamed my hunger.
23.  I can’t remember the first cut that trained me to ache for those who don’t seek me.
24. I tell myself I don’t want the things that I am scared to lose.
25. I have not been alive when next to another person in years.

I am not soft
I do not know how to be beautiful
I don't know how to be half in half out
I don't know how to calm these storms that want to see you.
I cannot dim this light
or handle you gently touching me
I am not fragile
I don't know how to be small
You keep trying to place me in your back pocket
While I am trying to stand next to you and hold your hand
I am tired of preparing for flight at the beginning of every landing
I am tourist trying to create a home to come back to...
and I know we can't make homes out of people
but I want to feel it when I'm with you .
I want you to feel it when I'm with you
I want you in this when I'm away from you
I am no gentle woman
Some days I am walking contradiction
but my soul is always evolving
always extending out of this being... beautiful
And I want you.
Yes I want you.

You increase me.
You bring me quiet.
Your presence is peace.
You are what I meditate to embody.
You are river not beating down land.
Your lips are water caressing shore.
And still you are so full of fire.
You are all red room ...
And rich, smooth chocolate.
You are fresh earth
And bonfire.
I always want to end with you
Start with you
Give into you...
Coat your wounds with my laughter.
You deserve the calm you give to me.
... Please lie down your burdens,
Share your energy with me.
I'll lay it all out for you...
Forever will never be here
But this moment
Right here ...
Today ... with me is .
-Indigo Morrison

My anxieties run through me like river
I am not all beautiful
But I am trying to be alive anyways
I drink coffee to join mornings
I take deep breaths to live inside of moments

I observe so I can see you without my presence as a distraction
I take in your lips so I know what coming together feels like
I dance with your hands to feel everything all at once
I leave the blinds open so I can move with nature

All of this is to say that I am working to be here
Please do not add to my mourning
I am human too
I am real
I have feeling in my chest
And I don’t want to shatter
So much so… that I never get to glow

... At least just once.

I wanted him to be you.
But he never is.
And the next one just becomes my next flirtation with distraction,
until he becomes disappointment.
I keep stumbling into those.
I keep chasing after your spirit,
Settling when I see teeth sharp enough to let my secrets through...

I am scared.
I am love.
I am waiting for you ...but,
I keep getting him ...
I am terrified for my heart,
Terrified never to be open
Never to feel because I keep
stepping out,
then shattering
and caving back into my brokenness.

Still I keep reaching...
always lonely,
Trying to stay open for you...

I will remain alone until you find me,
Even if you don't.
Even if you choose not to.


-Indigo Morrison

I can't be your half love...
I can't let you take the good parts and save the rest for later,
because I aim to love you whole,
whole heart,
whole soul,
even if you are the sum of your sins,
I will treasure the silver lining it has made of you.

Please put down your weapon,
I am knees to earth,
my being is open and sharing my light with you.
Wake up in the morning next to me,
get up to take walks with me at 5am.

I want you...
Not just this flesh that you blessed this earth with
but that soul you have built from shattered glass, tattered love, lonely hearts creating lonlier hearts...
You have assembled a masterpiece.
The universe is in awe of you.


-Indigo Morrison

God has got to be angry
with the way I keep calling his name...
But, he some how isn't able to hear me
with the way I can't make myself keep breathing,
my eyes fill, but nothing leaks
I have nothing left to lose and he keeps missing my call...
Our schedules aren't matching up
And I can't find the heart to keep reaching for his...
My lips are swollen from all the biting,
my eyes are burning....
He wont answer me so I can rest,
So I can breathe ...
I just want to breathe.
....People create loneliness
So I keep trying to fill myself with myself
But its hard to love you when you keep forgetting to forgive yourself first.

-Indigo Morrison

I have been begging you to stay here since you landed.
I have seen the hole you've kept hidden,
the sadness that you keep at bay in the daytime.

I have felt the nights devouring you,
Some nights the moon can't tame your sorry's,
when you are too tired  to exist here...
I understand the hardship of placing feet on ground when you wake,
and to not stop moving.
You are still unsure if you will be able to keep going if you pause too long.

No one knows you are lonely,
and sweetie you are far too lovely...
Share yourself with someone.
Give yourself over to being here, feeling something.
Pain and happiness are necessary to sharpen and soften the best parts of you.
The sun will not always rise for you,
but we can pretend.
I'd let you see the world however you want to
if you
stay here.

P.S. Thank you for staying here.
No one knows why, but the ones who love you sighed in relief when they knew you stayed to join the morning.
As did I.
As did I.

-Indigo Morrison

If you wanted me
I'd have given you all of me.
I have never been in the presence of something beating beautiful...
You are what secrets bared to the moon are made of,
You are feeling without seeing,
So much more live and all consuming.
You are eyes I am searching when I find myself at peace in coffee shop.
I am not simply running from lonely with you,
But wading through chaos finding peace in that storm
Sometimes next to you...
I would share in the rain
beating window,
And wind making a free woman out of me... with you.
I would share my freedom ...with you.

If only you'd look back at me,
You'd no longer find
Girl part hurricane,
Flying too close to the sun,
Always running,
Trying to create a love story out of your mouth and those hands.

-Indigo Morrison

I have shed layers underneath layers of hiding
To give you my undoing.
I have saved myself for you to witness this.
I have been waiting to bare my truths, no more than once,
But just for you.
I have been saving my yes… for you.
And locking away my vulnerable for the man who would not destroy me in it.
It is your lips, your hands, and your body letting down its bullet proof.
There are no walls here,
No mountains to separate my hands
From your back, your lips, your chest,
All skin, on skin, on skin.
I have been building on my freedom,
And I am here now
Ready now… to revel in it,
With you.
Only you.
Always you.
I trust you not to ruin me,
But do not be scared to break me… down in this room,
Break down in this room
Let go inside me,
Fall slowly beside me.
I am no judge
There are no rules.
My body was crafted with you in mind,
Your hands were skilled in prelude to my pleasure.
There is no stopping here,
No moving too fast,
No going to slow.
I am meant for you, now.
You are safe in me.
Say the word,
Say it,
We can die a million times together here in this room.


-Indigo Morrison

"I'm trying so hard not to feel so empty, but everything keeps falling through... "

-Indigo Morrison

I fingered apologies
all down your back,
as I kissed goodbyes into
the crook of your neck.

Bared my body bullet proof
as I shielded you from my beautiful,
I wanted you in this now,
without fear of my leaving.

So I made my mouth both
release and distraction,
knees holding me together ,
hands racing down then up,
daring you to break our movements,
begging you to forget my shortcomings,

My ..." I can't stays"
My ... "You will always be beautiful"
My ... "I see you, but I am not yet ready"

Pulsing hot,
ready for whats next,
Bodies banging bullet proof,
hoping that I have driven you,
into me, but away from my heart...

As you whisper...
"Take it in"
"not just now"
"take me in"
"not just now"
"Take me"

... And then I realized,
I could never,
Come down enough,
Blow down enough,
Bang our bodies
bullet proof enough...
To make you not love me...

But, I am not falling.


-Indigo Morrison