love today looks like morning.
the sun rises and so do i.
rising to breathe
and let go,
let go enough to give back to her,
let go enough to give back him.
making peace with being enough
for me in this present moment,
but not being what you wanted.
i am not what you want
and that is okay.
i wish you'd hold onto that
instead of repeatedly dropping
my heart or letting it come apart in your hands.

today love looks like falling water
like honey too hot to touch or hold anywhere
like snow too minor to sheet white on the ground
like ice cream too big on a sweaty summer day
like wounds continuously splitting open just before the healing
like me continuously splitting open just before the healing

today love looks like
a full body scrub.
lips
and face included.
all traces of anything not alive being removed.
all traces of anything not meant to be here gone.
feeling softer,
more free,
but no closer to ridding this body of you.
these lips
of you,
these legs
of you.
I’d clean this heart of you
if there were something made for messes there.

today looks like knowing.
it looks like coming to and realizing that making me feel hard to love has more to do with your heart than mine.

realizing you brought out the lesser parts of me.
the unease,
the pain,
the doubt,
all this waiting

and in the end you are only sadness.
and i’ve fought my whole life for happy.
i’ve fought my whole life for the opposite of you.
there are no regrets here, because this brought me closer to myself.
closer to trusting me.

all this time i was waiting for the silence,
to hear the right voice in my head.
...it took so long
because i thought I was waiting for you.

What does love look like today?

Today love looks like sweet, sultry music...
I feel myself a child of the moon,
Dancing with wine in her hands.
I feel like lavender and honey,
Sweet and attending to
Your breathing,
Your melting,
Your heavy...
Like skin on skin
Like oil on canvas
Like chocolate candles
Like running all over each other...

love today looks like
yoga right out of bed
and coffee.

...deep breathing,
with only that and this body in mind.
it looks like wanting,
wanting more for myself
wanting more of myself
wanting it all for myself
wanting everything I deserve that makes me more than myself.
...wanting myself.

working though this tension
and realizing this pain is trying to tell me something.
my body has been communicating and it has taken me 27 years to become intelligent enough to listen.

love today looks like
Balance & Composure
and a little bit of The Maine
some Jhene Aiko
and Jessie Ware.
it looks like letting myself feel everything,
but staying silent.
all these questions
that will never have answers.
all this holding when the middle is empty.
today I am dressed in red,
feeling blue.
wishing i tried to put on lipstick.