fingertips against sore muscles
constellations on skin

star embedded irises reflect
a universe within.

stardust & moons cusp
varied stages of wax & wane

limitless yet weighted heavy
upon my orbital plane.

try as I might, I can't ignore
as planets grow closer

and comets soar

the parallel gravitation
I've tried so hard to ignore.

a day is not a day without yawns early in the morning and hushings late at night.
not a day without a nervous laugh, an anxious frown, a skip and jump from the heart.

a night is not a night without a a drifting off at the brush of the late hours and a jolt awake at 3 am
not a night without a reaching and tugging, a discovering of loneliness in the folds of comforters.

You find the reason to everything and anything because
it makes you feel safe, but I
--can't kiss you without you
wanting to tell me that
my eyelids flutter because my eyes
get dry and they need to protect themselves from all the
pathogenic **** that flutters around me but I'm
really just trying to get a better look at you,

why don’t you let me look at you.

Then I begin to cry and you say why tears are tears,
and that you wanted a “simple life” with me  but
youre too busy identifying the complexity of things
that you can’t even feel because they lay within your heart, not your hands.

I’m right in front of you but your
voice begins to raise and you speak the science of presence
and you tell me that i’m your soulmate because your subconscious doesn't always feel so alone when i’m standing right beside
you and that you need me to survive but you
can't always kiss me because you’re too busy saying that the reason why
I think you taste good
when you kiss me is because
we meant are for each other.

While I’m in your arms you begin to analyze
my paragraph of life and how
it fits so perfectly beneath yours.
But then you rearrange your words
and place some in between mine
and then I realize I’m the just the loosely placed parenthesis around your
syntax of life.

I led her down the river, but she treated herself as if she was not there,
as if she did not want to hold my hand,
but I'd see the spaces between her fingers flap and rustle
and her joints would crack
for some in-between hand, or object to hold

We looked at the river, it was
mighty fine and blue,
blue like her dress, and blue like my shoes.

It was like that one day,
in July, where she and I snuck into that hole-in-earth, the hole, smack dab into the center of the dry river. It was where she taught me how to smoke,
and I would then unravel her dress from her body, on concrete,
and sneak a quick touch,
or two.

We looked at the river, and I led her here,
by myself.
It was quiet, running, and grey,
but loud.

We looked at the river,
and it reminded me of you.

Be subtle with how you feel
For not everyone has the strength to hold
The heaviness that you may bestow on their hearts
But forgive them
For they too
Will never know
True happiness
As they will also never know
True sadness, in your heart.

if you should ever be so lucky to experience a heartbreak
you should know the feeling is excruciating
it is two pieces of velcro ripping apart
it is sinking
and shredding
it is screaming at the top of your lungs
and sobbing in the same sentence
it is brutal and you will not come unchanged
you will cry for 100 hours when he leaves you
you will feel reborn every 4 days for the rest of time,
but on the 3rd day it will always be rock bottom
it will always be shaking on the bathroom floor
and voicemails and nausea
youll learn to let the feelings pass

recovery is hard
existing is really hard
the fact anyone does it at all
it's a miracle

but existence is resistance
it is resistance to nonexistence which
can actually be incredibly easy
backsliding into old habits is easy
old habits may die hard but
at least they can die
(hard)

recovery is hard
it is not linear
you do not follow a timeline
it is not
first you do this and then you do that
and now it's all better
kiss kiss! goodbye bad days!

recovery is "today is a good day and
i know bad days"
recovery is "today is a bad day but
i've seen so many of those that i know how to navigate it"
recovery is "you have reached your destination"
recovery is "but my destination is actually
three blocks up from here
sorry can you take me three more blocks?"
recovery is "oh no its okay i can walk from here"
recovery is "yes, i'm sure"

She wanted to know who you were
but hid who she was.
There was
no sense
to be made of it
or why there was any shame in it;
ships that pass and turn off their lights
will travel in darkness, alone at night.

the surface is warm + inviting
i enter with utter ease
excitement
the small splashes against my shins
welcoming to an open space
new opportunities
gradually descending to the waist
engulfed by continuous events
one inch more
the chill on my naval
hairs slowly rise
while accomplishments fall
consumed by endless thoughts
collarbones disappear under foam
my eyes glimpse back at the shore
slowly drowning
all because i believed i could swim alone.