I suppose I should feel sad but I don't
You always put a lot on me so hard to say no
Oh and you know all of what you done
I wish I could say it was once but it was twice
Maybe even more the whole night was a real nightmare
Too handsy for your age, where is your wife?
You’re so gross, you snake, as you think you are making your way
I wonder how many girls you twisted to play your games
Now you pay as you watch years dissipate
Overnight one passionate day
I wish I could say I was sorry but I am not.

Come to me
It’s not what it’s all out to be
Letters my love
Can only go so far
You are not the right one
A hard one to swallow
But true
Time to let go
But here is to you
Cannabidiol
My plant extract
You make life a little more sweeter
You make breathing a little smoother
Now no boy can do that
This is a commemoration
Of our bodies lying out by design
Because of you.

I investigated every bone in my body
Seeking the universe in my chronic pain
I fell within so deep
I couldn't recite life on earth  
Depression stole me each night
Demonstrating the darkness and how it could be played
The devil even said you'd like this place
Depression befriended fierce anxiety
Pulling the rug underneath my feet
Every night crying hostage to this body and mind
Captive by thoughts that left me in fear and on edge
I’m just the hell out of choices
And I’m the hell out of control

Meditation
Meditation is home
Meditation is a time of severe distress
It is a place to feel
A place to be me
A place where everything finally felt okay
A place where it was okay to not be okay

Meditation you know my heart and soul
Judgments could come my way but that would be okay
And for once I felt a smile form on my face

In meditation, I learned and noticed thoughts were just thoughts, and they don't define me
I learned about peace, one mentioned I would wake up one day and feel that peace within
That motivated me
So I woke and woke and woke up
Days would change and emotions would transform
But when I was here
It was the same but somehow brand new
I learned I’m so much more than my thoughts
Constantly active but could supervise my psyche

Meditation you know my secrets and fears
And the ground caught my tears every step of the way

In meditation, I learned a lot about pain
And how it could manifest in the body
I learned about breathing and how I could expand and really enjoy, soothe, and release

In meditation, I was in the moment
I could finally forget
And feel vulnerable even calm and free
It is the loss of control and willingness
Instead, it is bearing the unknown

In meditation, I learned about patience
Realizing I almost had none
And presence was scary
But how could that be?
I learned so much about me
So when emotions were high I could come here
When no place felt like home but here.

Last night I felt myself finally lighter
I felt the weight of hate leave my face
The heaviness of what you think of me soften
Feeling you noticed all my faults and defeats
But you couldn't look inside my pain
Not idealizing my delivery either
I sat under many words
Never rolled and never lived

And there were days I hid away my accomplishments
Feeling I couldn't share trying to make you feel less small
Body confidence down the drain
So I became one in the same
And I'll do all I can do
To trust myself again
To rebuild myself
To let you go
Thousands of pages, let's go
Pushing pieces together that were never meant to fit
Missing the mark
The old-age case of friends having a falling out
Only this one was ages ago
What else is there to say
But that you will never know what I have been going through

Wish you were more gentle and less cold
Move past the icy past
Yet I was so overlooked deliberately ignored by design
Apologies brushed over and checking out
Cause it wasn't on your time
Nice guys do what is told
Watering down feelings
That's not my reasons
But never knowing if I was on your good side
Tracing my footsteps to understand why
Slowly digging myself into a grave
You have many warped around your tears
You’re so good
Playing animosity like a violin
And I believed I was no good
And so easy to let go

A day on the edge of a break
I fought back my tears of shame
Couldn't really get a word in
I couldn't explain
I didn't know if you could see
But I was sure you all did
No one said a word
So convinced I was hiding it well
And well you said some warm words I will never forget
Still today always grateful for that fragile moment
And all of the unfolding even where I lost it all
Gaining myself above it all
So I'll keep sending myself roses
In hopes of softening all the hurt
To mourn the friendships
I felt I once had.

I spent a lot of time
Proving
I spent a lot of time
For causes
For a higher calling I guess
All I ever wanted was to connect
To find a puzzle piece that was missing within
Connecting the to this
Connecting to that
When all I ever needed was to connect to me.

You are so ahead of your past times
Not from this realm
More like a bunch wings always free
My love, you suffer from severe amnesia
You have already been through this pathway
Remembering your singularity
You are enough
More than enough
With mystical touches of mystery
You are an intuitive sensitive child
Moving through obstacles with style
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise
Better yet, don't let anyone show you otherwise
You put in passages and the stance
It shows ceremonies of healing dreams
A dream of their disappearance
And your reappearance
Despite the manifestation
You are a sweeping force
Carrying yourself
Reminding yourself
The ones that got away
Rewind one more last time
Turning the pages
You got away

You may have held my hand for a while
But I hold my heart forever
The true balance of being tamed and instinctive
Finding the primal practice of soul healing craft
My love is all I need to feel complete
It is written into the stars and drawn into destiny.

Home is where the heart lives
I guess that is where my essence always stayed
In the thousand countryside catching the summer air
Composed of love spills out the little touches
The dawn days your always there
Open arms full of fondness snuggles
Your eyes declare true sympathy and tenderness
Oh with other words seem to get in the way
While you’re full of wisdom and appreciation
Tan skin in the sun oh how, you are so delicate
I adore meeting here with you
All of the worries of the upcoming months dissipate
As we grow it all feels more grande
Summertime fills the ambiance
Feels of silk thread roll across fields
Always playing’
Always attachin’
Lingering hips
“You are my best friend.”
All the calm in the world doesn't need lyrics to reveal
Oh how you are my daylight, and no midsummer is as warm as you.

Oh the truth
Is hard to be straight
So let's just let them assume
Until ends break

Look a little closer
The letters in between
Lay in postures and faces and time
With one look we would miss out on design
One distraction into another loss of attention
So look no further cause the secrets of life has always been beyond here
In between looks and eyes but we deliberately choose noise and little screens.

Don't tell anyone about me
I am our little secret
And if you do well, you'll just feel awful
Because I am meant to live inside you
I can exhibit fantasies you could never envision
Packed with terrors and bloodshed rifles
All of my darling things
I'm afraid you are mad there's no fleeing now
So I urge you to do as I say
Keep this secret between me and you.

I walked into that office wearing all black, an oversized leather jacket with a matching leather cap. Blacktop and black pants. “I’ve been having anxiety attacks, I had one yesterday,” I said. I have never known myself to be so broken like this. People aren't just born broken, they become broken from the mind, the system, society, the abusers of power. And it's not just one occurrence; it's multiple of them: some we never acknowledged the pain, some we become in denial about, and some we have forgotten. So, I came into that office tense, nervous and broken. And I kept going into that office even when I was scared. Every time it was hard, every time it was a challenge. But you know what it got easier. And each time I left I learned more and more about myself. And well I may have walked in broken but I left lighter and lighter each time.

Out with the old and in with the new
How long does it last until it is no good?
Cause as age comes I shine with time
All the awareness of here becomes clear
Until one day I become so fine
I evaporate into manifestations of loving designs.

Hi, I’m Arcadya. I claimed this name after I was leaving the old and leading into the new. But it only really fit until now. Going back to 2009. You know the time you just needed to get by? Looking for role models, but no one existed, but you. Once upon a time, I became my own hero consisting of planned seductions, secrets, and being a %100. Love, that was hard to maintain you know nights only God could help you see the light. But she never showed up at my doorstep until May 2019.

I’m also called A. And on a scale of 1 to 100, I was dying inside in form of chronic pain, nausea, and anxiety attacks. And the people who passed me by never said goodbye. I’d be lying if I said I don’t hate goodbyes, I didn’t miss you, and I forgive you. I get it, times are hard, and we all gotta get through the day. Even if it’s straight-up denial. But is it too much to ask for a good friend at the end of the day? If it’s not at all but partly on me, deep emotional connections felt like a gateway into my childhood despair. Alienation my friend and fearful, so I stayed up until sunrise.

And well if you're still listening I have some more questions. Where was my safety? And where is it now? Locked up and so I questioned my life. And where is heaven? And Is this hell? Cause I feel misunderstood, but I am choosing discomfort over being resentful. But who am I if not speaking my mind? And questioning time. So yeah, I’m red hot candle wax already lit and high and my mind tends to race. Mediation my religion cause all is lost and gone. And kind words lead me the way. So I tattoo affirmations cause we see every day. So meet me at night when I’m loose and I unwind. A sight only for the patient and kind. Life’s a spiral journey and sometimes it feels all too much. But every day is a step further from my despair. And so, I remember and dream as I shield little ole me at night and say what I always longed to hear that, baby it’s alright and everything will be okay.

Call me crazy. But I still wonder. Life has been a knife and you were that one light. Slowly killing, I didn't want to exist anymore. So, I knew it’s time to get to know me. I’m only human and I still wonder how I let you slip beneath my teeth. But time has passed. My hair grew grey and my heart grew blue. I still see sunshine on your face. That's what takes me back. But that’s okay. I learned a lot. Hopefully, a tale to tell one day. Knowing we will find whole lovers if it isn't us finding one another one day.

I didn’t know much but that's what drew me in. I know my stares are a knife. But I won't apologize knowing that coulda been my only chance to really see. The mystery was enticing. The beauty of imperfections grow but time wasn’t on my side. I didn't know how as much as you didn't know. The more I found out about you the more I got hooked. There were many nights thinking about you. If only they were enough. But you wore enough if only you could see. I sent you love from time to time. But time got the best of me and so did my mind. So, I go through this life getting to know myself. Hoping you will find a whole lover if it can't be me.

Spending all this time on the cruel leaves an overall bad feel to my soul
Compassion my love
You come from trans-cen-dental love
Heart space and open chakras
I ignore anything but all
Vipassana practices I pray
Baby girl, you're the world
You catch clouds all along the sway
Across the way and okay
Mindful count as the stars crawl and fall
And make a sound out of manner
Cause I'm your Stargirl
Here to shine and brighten in these very dark times
Baby boy, I’m your girl
Here to shine and brighten in these very dark times
Baby boy, I’m your girl

It's only a matter of time before I throw you away
An old wrapper
A flavor I am over
So honest so real
Why do I lie?
And put on a mask?
Perspectives you see
Aggressive aggressive
I bathe in passivity
Heartless and careless
I build you up
But if you can't keep up
Boy, bye
Boring boring
If I’m not entertained
Well this is
Goodbye
It's not personal
It is what it is
We all have an expiration date
And honey, yours is up
Resentment is all I know
If you were excluded from your own blood
You would do the same
It's only a matter of time
Until they do it to you too.

How much less can I endure?
My body the vehicle of despair
Puncturing my throat
To soothe my soul
The dim days
Swayed my name
Seduction my drug
Wishing for the daylight
Slowly disappearing
So much so I forgot my winters
Slowly but surely
One day at a time
Maybe one day my Summer will come.

The exception is you
They all carry two
The ego and you
But it's you
You splash the generalization
Out of the crowd
Cause he
Knows he knows
His blushing cheeks
Light up my night
Cause she
Plays with time
Flashing before trusting eyes
Oh behave of truth and divine
Someone get this boy by her before
A twist in time
Nothing but faith
He waits owing his life to time
While she flies through time
Like we’ve all got time
He lays in my bed with not a worry in mind
She wonders
Is he introspective and delightful?
A dream of a one of a kind

If only people knew
The days it took to be this way
You are so cool
It's a shame some will never know
The magical days
Where thoughts danced away
They will never witness the test of time
The pain waving the road of how mind and body collide
They will never feel
The night's sadness and sandcastles brushing against Hands turned sharp crystals into ocean waves
They will never hear about
The nights you looked at the sky with no moon insight
Only in your heart therefore your world
It's too bad that they don't know
They just don't know
How you are so cool
Every day you just keep adding years
To that spiritual clock

The dark night of the soul
Is not for the dual and the cruel
To my anxiety, darkness, and depression
You have erased my image
Taken and deepened my sleep
Just give up, lose the grip, and just lose the grasp
You have no command
Just my notes of sadness
If you can't understand this path
Just be gone
Shame on you
Like a flicker of a candle
I try to hold onto the night
Like I hold onto the reasons
The truth is I am running out of excuses
I am so tired of being afraid
Breathing itself you were in my hand
But I keep asking questions
Answers already sewn into my deep dark soul
Strain and tension
I am a golden okay
My heart, my soul, my mind, my beloved
You have done so well
Congratulations
You are the evening mixer
And will continue to be the morning elixir.

It's strange how children feel ghosts
when the hunters were actually all along
in the room just beside them.

I've lost touch
Five years of school
Chill in dust
Skills waiting
To see the light of day
Like the 2000s
I can't stop touching my hair
Empty days are a test
Feel the sweat
Down my back
This summer’s a knife
Slicing my life
Looking from the dark
When will it flow?
Am I too far gone?
In the wrong?
Sensing the golden flow
Making its way
So very slow
Praying for a saint
But a sinner at heart
Remembering that one gets lost in a maze
But one finds themselves in a labyrinth

Pistols
Pistols

I dream about pistols

Pistols
Pistols

Why do you haunt me so

Pistols
Pistols

Please just leave me alone

Sometimes I feel empty
Sometimes I feel brand new
I'm looking for advice
But I go off to space
I cut you off
With times and dates
My apologies
But I got a lot to say
**** listening
I'm going down
Down the rabbit hole
Where ptsd lives
Breathe in scares
All along my back
Crying massage beds
Greeting my pain
For all the things
You never said
No amount of words will spare my shame
And now I look a head for good things
Knowing there will always be bumps along the way.

Enjoy it while it lasts
All smiles
Ignorance lies underneath
Not my best
Jealousy gets me
But I get by
And smile
Knowing your joy won't last