I loved that he was remote.
I loved that I couldn’t have him.
I loved that I didn’t want him.
I loved that he was closed so tight.
I loved that he made me feel insecure.
I loved that he made me feel less.
I loved that I added complexity to his life.
I loved that I amused him.
I loved that he worked so hard to keep me when I threatened to end it.
I loved that he controlled me, and he knew it.
I loved that he was committed to being faithful, but he was unfaithful with me.
I loved that I changed him, for better and for worse.
I loved that he turned me into someone I never would have been.
I loved that I was dangerous, and he underestimated how much.
I loved what I gave, and I loved what he took.
I loved everything I did to him and everything he did to me.
I love that I hurt him, and I love that he deserved it.
I loved him.
Maybe he loved me.
Probably not.

What happens
When a love affair wanes?
When the close is imminent?
You start to wonder
What's wrong with me?
Then a rapid descent to
I'm a bad person
No one wants me
I'll never fall in love again

I was thinking today that I didn’t love you, who you are. I loved you for who you represented. Because I didn’t really know you. I didn’t know you at all. I seriously have no idea who you are.

Today I was wondering, is there any difference in loving someone for what they represent and who they truly are? And I couldn’t really think of the difference.

If I had not come from the history I came from, I never would have fallen for you. Did I fall for you, or the solution I felt you represented?

I think the dynamic is perfectly clear. Crystal clear. Why I can’t loose you from my life and my mind is a ******* mystery that tortures me endlessly.

I think of how much I hate you, which is pretty big. It’s so big I want to make it go away with all my might, because it eats at me.

I want you out. You took years from me. Correction, I chose to let you take years from me. Shame on you. Shame on me.

Shame.

Our affair was not intense.
Well, I made it intense for me, because I'm ****** up, but it was far far from some grand all-consuming passion.
There was no romantic love.
It was desperation, loneliness, and selfishness.

I just do not ******* know how to forgive myself.

I just do not ******* know how to forgive myself.

I never loved the way I loved you.

And the only way I could’ve loved you like that was to know we would never be together. That freed me up to make you anything I wanted in my mind and give you everything I could possibly give you. Because I had the complete protection of knowing you belong to someone else.

So even sometimes I wonder if that qualifies as love. Or if it just qualifies as unfettered pure joy coupled with the freedom of complete emotional abandon.

Every time someone tells me I'm beautiful, I reply, "I'm not beautiful..................................................but thank you."

I wish I could just say thank you.

They know what they want and they don’t play games.

They’re experienced and confident.

They ask for what they want, which is a huge turn on.

I’m a sucker for ******* and they know what they’re doing.

It’s like having *** with pillows; warm and comfortable.

They’re fearless.

Everyone likes Big Girls!

One day you love someone.
One day you don’t know how you’re going to go on not having them in your life.
One day you think of them, and love overtakes you in waves.
And you cry.
And then you cry.
You cry for hours.

And then one day you don’t feel like that at all.
And you try to figure out why, and there is no reason.
You wonder what has changed, and nothing has.
Then you wonder if you ever really had those feelings at all.
And you did.
But they’re gone now.

And you realize you’re beyond it.
Finally.
And you look up at the light, because now there is light.
And you feel safe to reclaim some bit of peace.
Finally.

I had so very little of him.
And I was so deep in him.
I fell deep.
And maybe I haven’t found anyone else,
Because there can’t be anyone else.
God I hope that’s not true.
How can someone still own so much of your heart after so long?
If I could have him excised, I would.
Would I?

She’s the backbone
Of the entire construct
Of my life
What will I do
When she is gone?
I’ll want it back
This life’s construct
Even as much as I hate it now
I’ll want it back
Now, I choke on my words
I choke and I die
A little more every day
The living death
What will I do
When she is gone
I won’t have to choke
Any longer?
Will I want it back?
Oh God
I hope not
I hope I can live
Without remorse
Without regret
But I know
That simply won’t be possible
Still and always
The living death
Until I am dead,
Too.

Speckles of hope
Overlay doubt
Arms full out
In wide open circles
As if holding bushels of wildflowers
But there’s nothing there
Stay Open

In the now, I feel defeated.
Yet, I find myself searching for a landing place.
That’s hope, alive.
I will have a place to call home when this season has passed.
I will have control over my own life.
I will have my bead store.
I will have my writing.
I will have my life back.
I will be free.

I have lost my way. Again.
Not into addiction. Not that. Again.
Back into the Pain.
The Pain so strong it consumes with the cold hardness of titanium.
Pushing me out from the inside.
Making it impossible to breath.
This is the living death.
It comes sometimes expected and sometimes unexpected.
This time, it was inevitable.
My mother dying, this pandemic and all.
It doesn’t last.
So that’s one thing.

When I think of a time in my life, I see colors.
My time with Dale is deep pink, bordering red.
Like sunset pink followed by a blood moon.
Like the inside of me, my essence, my life.
Like the full surrender of love, with full return.
Exquisite.
Timeless.
Pivotal.
Affirming.
Bliss.

When I think of a time in my life, I see colors.
My time with Jeff is yellow, like the soft yellow light before dusk.
Like an early evening on Waikiki.
That feeling of awe and calm.
And then comes grey.
The slate grey of an angry sea.
Where there is great danger of losing to the depths.
And now, emerging, gasping for hope.

Like contrails
Your memory persists, relentless
I see the line in the sky
Bisect my life
Before Jeff
After Jeff
I know in time, contrails dissipate
Thankfully
But how long?
This being in love business hurts like a *******.

You are the Serpent
I Am She
I Wanted to Believe You
It's a Lie, Counterfeit

Yesterday I could do it.
Today I can't
Yesterday I was awake, alive
Today my sleep comes easy, easy
It's easy to lay here and drift
To dream of better times

My friends, my supporters
They are tired
Tired of me
I ask for help
At every turn
I'm tiresome

In the beginning
I had a sense of entitlement
I still do at times
I deserve help
I'm a good person
What's happening to me is not my fault
But it is my fault, in part
There is always some truth
I did this to me, I know I did

But that doesn't change that I need
That doesn't change the pain
That I don't have the means to heal

I rise up, I take my meds
Like the good little adult I am
I go through my list
I need to call them....
Can I do it?
Not today

Can I do this?
Persevere?
I don't know
Yet.

I finally want to live
Looking out the window
Watching the planes fly over
A sweet young man sleeping in my bed

I sit at my desk writing
He's not someone I'll be with
But he's young
Promise, future, adventure, opportunity
He breathes freshness into my body
Curled up against me

I can't sleep
Too much life
What was I thinking to end it?
I want time
I want experiences
Good
Bad

My thoughts are dark, ominous
Apprehension floods my mind
A dark tunnel no light
No end

The plane lifts
Flies
As always I fear it will not
Why does it matter?
I do not cling to my life

I want peace
The peace of non existence
Juxtaposed with the desire to persist
To remain present in the physical
I vacillate

What do I want most?
My mind wants the peace of death
My body chooses life
Matter over mind

Is that a light far ahead?
Or is my mind playing tricks
Again?
Is the trick lightness or dark?

What happens next is mystery
Today I persevere, just today I choose

One day, in the tomorrow
My lightness goes dark
Will I go dark by choice?
Does lightness follow dark by choice?

Best to walk it through
Until my appointed time
If I am at all able

You unremarkable middle aged man
That carries within such sadness
Such weight of pain

You see tragedy where instead there is great joy
They are happy
Their worlds are magical
Filled with love, adoration and laughter
Only we suffer
Seeing them as they are

Yet their sweet angelic spirits
Brighten the world
Uplifting all they touch

To have two seems unbearable
But what is unbearable is to have none

Be thankful
Be happy
You made miracles

I love you
I love you
I miss you
Say hi
*******
Number One
I love you
I love you
Mr. Unremarkable
You Are Incredible
I love you
I love you
I adore you
You're my Person
I love you
I love you
First Most Best and Always
I love you
I love you
And so on....
Ad infinitum
Ad nauseam

Special beautiful friend
You know my pain and I yours
We are united by common experience
Kindred spirits
Our souls have walked the valley of the shadow of death
Yet we emerge the other side
We are forever changed
We will never be as we were
And we may never be completely well
But we will survive this
We will be okay
We will persevere
Your hand in mine
We will step into our future
Tentatively at first
Then boldly
We push through
We push forward
We live
We thrive

Profile:
I am looking for the one that is the one, but in a world where she is mathematically unlikely to exist, I would also make an excellent trophy husband. I have the best jokes, puns of steel. I am a nerd, but at the same time I am so cool that you can keep a side of beef in me for a week, it won't go bad. While it is true that I like puppies and long walks on the beach, I much prefer long passionate discussions about life, the universe, and everything.

Me:
I think I love you.

You’re straddling two worlds.

You put your right foot out into the future, the world you know you’re moving towards. But you don’t put any weight on that foot yet. Still, all your weight is on the foot that’s in the now world.

But where you’re going, that world keeps pulling you and calling you and requesting things of you and wanting you to be there because you’re needed there. So you tentatively begin to put some weight on your right foot. But that means less of you is resting where you’re at.

It’s ******* terrifying.

I love you
I love you
I love you
Please talk to me
Please
Please
Jesus Christ
On a Bike