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Johnson May 2019
Twenty two years
No fun, no revelry, no fame
Twenty two, nine years past thirteen
No more hope
No more dreams

Like the match brightly lit
Illuminating the darkened corner of the room
Slowly fading as its snuffed out
As the flame meets with the end of its stick

And so it is that that which is by my own guilt and pain
For the you can’t change the past but strive for a better tomorrow
Yet the future is all to much the same.

Nothing more now for all that’s left is time
Watching left hand move forward
As the days of my future
Slowly fall by the wayside

Its pain of the morrow
The feeling that persists
The edge that tears the hole
The demise of any hope thats left.
Mar 2019 · 119
Greater Distant
Johnson Mar 2019
What is and somehow is there again
For the arms that gripped tight at the waist
Now seem to give way
To embrace this a new cold a formless shape

If life is the sum whole of one’s fleet joy
Somehow the light of life has never shone upon me  
This toil upon which vanity stole
Never again do I find such feelings arise
The death of all hope
The dreams that snuffed out

For long past memories seem to fill with hope
A promise of a chance for joy to resound again
A way to break this hold
And yet again I find myself alone as I am
In the greater distant as I choke

For in way it was never just what lies in between
What separates the two from them and me  
An endless divide for that which can never be crossed
Wanting to reach out yet the connection is invariably lost

The pain is not of the coming silence it brings
But to watch the days role by falling to their waste
Pining for what one can assume will never be
In the greater distant brought again to my knees
Mar 2019 · 264
Johnson Mar 2019
To be  guilty
Is to be ill received
To struggle within
Is that of its own effort in futility

For just as a new day dawns
Illuminates the coming of day
So is the begging of the coming dissolution
So is the inevitable distaste

Like the man at the edge of street
Sitting in the glow of artificial light
However hollowed a reality received
The weight pressed within one’s mind

It was in this worldly injustice
Founded upon the breaking of ones will
Yet in this subjective sense it seemingly shatters
While the rest remains ever still
Feb 2019 · 285
Ride The Pale Horse
Johnson Feb 2019
Don’t leave this darkened hall for I'll always look right beyond
Whether it be shattered on some silent evening
Snuffed out by the light of the new days dawn

And while I wait by the letter for the word that never came
So much to my own amusement is this joy my only pain

For my efforts in futility seem to be
Yet they never were
Why hold out for change
When your destined to be cursed

A mock of my own contempt
Yet she always is in vain
This love of mine is that in this alone
Has left nothing but a darkened stain

And as this light becomes my host I am yet to be proud
For every day she draws near I am forever to be enshroud
This noise I come to hear as years of misery drag on
For that which I cannot have has become my only friend
Jan 2019 · 160
Cheap Antiseptic
Johnson Jan 2019
Lust is such a pain when held in the mind
A home to some solemn a morning
The outer rim of sight distorted
Never to see for I am blind

How arduous a task it must be filling this void within
Though you try to no avail still this longing persists
Never is it quite the same this flushed face hangs in singularity
Never is it quite the same the caress of her hand around your cheek

This warmth could never fully replace but yet seeks to comfort
On to my own left again am I to this bitter taste
As dark dreams are held fighting to resurface

What is it this wistful yearning to that which I despise
Casting aside vanity's vision as somehow I am left to my own demise
However monotonous the day to day may seem as my mind tapers on
To be trapped between her sheets I find ecstasy replaced with solitude's forlorn

For like moon that sits alone hung in the luminescence of a winters sky
So dull is the ache within my chest
As the darkened walls do double as they revolve around
Only to ruin what bliss I have taken upon myself

For tomorrow is to resurface
And so again I will chase the blame
For all the inevitable I attempted to thwart
Yet it all remains the same
Jan 2019 · 301
Cheyne Stokes
Johnson Jan 2019
Solitude binds the hold within
For transgressions of the past
Sins of tomorrow quite prepared
Under the weight of its inevitable collapse

For so long laying alone
Waiting for what will never be
As times hand passes by
Never is it gracious to thee

For all of the riches I’d trade
For its tender console
The bleakness never leaves
Seems to place its grip around my throat

Yet as you reflect on the past
The memories seem so strange
What was once filled with hope
Now left with a bitter disdain

And as you look forward to future
Every day’s exactly the same
You hope for the best
While you try to stomach the bitter taste

Left behind I seem to be
Never was I really there
Collapsed under this weight
Another victim of its darkened stare
Nov 2018 · 111
Existential Quake
Johnson Nov 2018
To thwart the inevitable
What lies in the failure to succeed
Something that like that of ghost
A haunting force never to be perceived

So, much you try
Only to come up short
For long you held tight to the fond memories
Now blanketed with remorse

Whom shall you blame when your
Efforts fall in vain
Is it a tragic force dwelt within man
Turning the hand of fate

For so long you have battle against the tide
While others float along without a ripple in water
You sea lay barren in your own demise

Yet try as you might  
Somehow it never seems to relent
The tide never turns in your favor
You lay waste in your own lament

Yet not by your own folly
It seems you are undone
For so long you have fought
Yet the battle is never won

What is this that has laid ruin to mine
Taken that which I had coveted
That which I admired

What is the meaning
If in the end it all goes to waste
Like a child we are out of the womb
Only to meet our inevitable grave
Oct 2018 · 89
Dry Hits
Johnson Oct 2018
How am I if ever to come to grips
With this world I wished to be dismissed
Like grey sky’s that fill the autumn days
So does the emptiness resound within this hollowed space

Never at all if ever does it turn around
With the inevitable change it brings
Trapped beneath the current
as you begin to drown

The hardest part is not the wading
rather watching others in calm ahead
Laughing at ease
While slowly your suffocating

What shame this has all become
As you ruminate on past mistakes
Validating your sorrow
Justifying your distaste

As you sink ever farther
The blackness surrounds
No more to fight against the current
As slip farther down
Oct 2018 · 1.9k
Johnson Oct 2018
To live is to die
To die is to live
What is the point of it all
If it all contradicts

Too much I have seen
And not enough I have known
Watching the atlas spin around
As this fable becomes my own

So much I have wanted for
Any yet soul less I have tried
For this motivation to live
I have yet to find

And wasted away again
As another romance blooms
Crushed under the weight
The affixed clench of this gloom

Like a sailor in the night
Searching for land
No plunder to be found upon me
So alone I must stand

No more do I ever want
To be in such state
However much this world gives
Your defiled as it slowly rapes

However ever much are you to be
All the more you are contrived
Fantasy the only escape
On a plane of exilic defile

Muffled are your breaths unto
Another catatonic night
While you patiently wait for something
Something you will never find
Aug 2018 · 1.0k
Cadaveric Spasms
Johnson Aug 2018
Bewildered in my own dissolution
Never thought It would come to this
As I stare down the barrel of the past 22 years
I can’t seem to find myself to be missed

For so long I have laid
Scattered like a sheet
Like a ghost throughout the hallways
No eyes to ever meet

How much my soul has lust after
She who is not mine
A friend to call upon
In the darkest of my nights

For there is no escape in this entrapment
Which binds me to the bed
Forced to sit and watch others enjoy their pleasantries
While alone in this room I have bled

As I hold out for what may not appear
Gripping on to the edge for I feel it so near
I wait for the sweet caress of the morning to come
Only to arrive at blackening of my very soul

What I begin to lack in empathy
I make up for in shame
So much this has taken out of me
There’s so much I wish to say

As I sit alone in misery
Watching my youth slowly fade
What he gives  
He in turn takes away

For the world has been so callus
Never is anything free
What it rips from your hands
It only replaces with its vile deceit
Nothing more do I want from it
For so long it has remained the same
Take me away from it all
Release me from this state
Aug 2018 · 114
The Bottle Ever Still
Johnson Aug 2018
Forgetting your name
As I forget my own
Left with disdain
Trapped in this home

To be stuck here for days so alone
Transfixed by eloquent dissolution
So my heart is torn

The incandescent light somehow never seemed so alive
Dancing around the halls recedes into my mind
Slowly as the waves begin to unfold
My vision begins to blur as it takes hold  

No fear of tomorrow for there is no room for such
Only the deteriorating laughter at the wall
As I begin to remember I have taken to much
No more can I hear your beckoning call

For what am I but just a mortal being
Sick of himself, weary of feeling
And while others seem to pass merrily by
Shattering ever still as you wait to die

And when apart you can hear it calling you near
Tormenting your soul as you cling to what left
So much it has taken as you slowly crawl back  

Never to care again too consumed with its plight
Takes all that you know leaves you in delight
And while the outside world begins to slowly fade
So I have been left behind in such a state
Aug 2018 · 165
Johnson Aug 2018
Longing to be anywhere but here
An endless escape from day
Where the monotony of the morrow disappears
A release from this plague

To my own I must go as I’m tossed into the fold
Amongst the happy faces that seem to shine
Somehow stirs an emptiness in my heart
As I lust after what I search but never find

The days full of hope and love
Two kids grinning ear to ear
Now a bitter decay begins to unfold
As my feelings fade with the passing years

How long must you wait
How long must you hold on
For a dawn that never breaks
Like waves in the passing tide
Now come and gone
Yet it all remains same
Aug 2018 · 222
Death and Proclemation
Johnson Aug 2018
Goodbye unkind world
How I wish it wasn’t so
No relief have I found
In my blackened soul

It never seems to relent
And lingers by my side
Some kind of sick fantasy
That plagues your mind

I have held on for so long
And waited for what never came
I’m so sick of staring into the ceiling
There’s no one left to blame

I feel as a scoffer held out on the street
Watching other in delight
While slowly I retreat
But it is not by my choice
That I have met such disdain
No matter how much I attempt
This emptiness seems to hang

And for such times to look back
On the abundant joys that abound
Now seem to fade into oblivion
As I begin to slowly drown

The only time I feel alive
Is that of a revelrous sin
How lonely am I in this room
As liquid drips over my chin

How much I had dreamed
That you wouldn’t find me like this
Please don’t be sorrowed
I have finally found bliss
Aug 2018 · 705
Lead Astray
Johnson Aug 2018
As time seems to drag on
My days fall to waste
I dream of what was with you
Slowly I begin to break

And what I wouldn’t give
To hear your call
To be by your side
Watching the night give way to a new dawn

To be alone in your company
As your hands lain in mine
To be so close yet so far away
How I am intertwined

Like a boy awoken
The morning of Christmas day
Nervous excitement fills his chest
So have I felt the joy of some heavenly display

And as hard as I try to hold myself back
For I know I am a much to much
I can’t help myself in her wondrous company
Filled with an intoxicating lust

As joyous as it was
How painful is it to be
I slowly fall apart
As I watch you leave

My love is that of a heresy
There’s nothing new in dying now
Just as my dreams fade to memories
I feel myself beginning to drown

Never to see it return
Never can I tell
Goodbye to you my love
See you in hell
Aug 2018 · 2.2k
Johnson Aug 2018
What am I
A product of what has been
A member of the future to be
A traveler on a desolate street

For what has remained
Stays still inside
Dominant in its home
Awake in my mind

Shattering ever still
As the florescent lights hung above
Alone in my heart ache
As time aggressively slips by this desolate son  

Peering through the door
Hoping for a glimpse
Of what strikes by my view
Is surely to be missed

For happiness is a fleeting view which takes hold
So it is tragic as you feel the agonizing departure of your soul
And for what cannot be heard is that which is understood  
For what I have felt for a short season is that of my reproof

What I have missed the most has only brought me pain
As I sit alone in the darkness my hands begin to shake
For I have grown old in my youth and not as graciously as I'd hoped
My thoughts feed my own torment like a hand around my throat

For all that I was
In this world of lies
Another product rejection
And an endless defile

Though I wish, it is in vain
And that of nothing new
Crushed under the weight
Of this iridescent blue
Jul 2018 · 162
Johnson Jul 2018
Time lingers on an endless array
For just out the window screen
I watch many of my nights turn to days

Alone as you are your mind begins to drift
To thoughts of past pleasures
As it recedes into a darkened abyss
For what you feel is of an other worldly pain
As you hold on for a new season with no coming change

At times it is pleasant as you are soothed
At times it seems as if death is of the only way to break through
Silence fills the air of your odds and end conscious
No speech for days, silence is the only remaining constant

And as you walk down the street on an afternoon strole
Across two lovers you find transfixed in each others hold
Desperation and longing fills the space which that warmth did abound
Slowly a destitute darkness begins to violently resound

For what others have seems lie just out there
Not quite within grasp but in the distance of your stare
And while you dream of days filled with joy and love
Only to be replaced with black vision hovering above

You try and attempt on an odds and ends affair
Only to be tossed out in the cold left with despair
For what is it to try if the outcome remains the same
Who is that upon which should be left to blame

For socialization and true love are that but a dream
Some creation of man to place his mind at ease
For is anyone really filled with such a feeling  
Or is it that my curse upon which all have receded
Jul 2018 · 146
It Only Lingers
Johnson Jul 2018
Who am I but a once was
Another potential that never will
Another thorn in the side of another  
Whilst the world seems to move still

Never to be born again as I was
Rather ****** back into the womb
By an existential forces violent hand
Incased in the product of my own gloom

The outside world seems lie just outside the line
Whilst populations seem to soar with the love and joy that abides
I ever more find comfort in the dark warmth
So much do I loathe finding comfort in such

Never to find a remedy for the monotony taking place
Thoughts become that of which those would make haste
And while alone you find a darker shade of life
You find an ever bleak view in the will to survive
Jul 2018 · 163
Abysmal Transfixion
Johnson Jul 2018
Chase away what I feel
The taste has remained so long
Unsteady are my hands
As the light brings another dawn

What were once picturesque colors
Seems shutter into a dismal display
As darkness wedges into the void
My own shadow lights my way

When an existential plague begins to ensue
So does my heartbreak as I return to you
For heart wrenching as it is quieting my mind
The drone of another day is that which I cannot survive

For breathless I become when pressed to my lips
Slowly the cold is traded for the warm abyss
And though try as I might I cannot gain control
Drawing ever nearer till it has taken hold

And while others shutter at the thought of what takes place
I only begin to rest my weary head upon its solitary state
Jul 2018 · 2.8k
Johnson Jul 2018
Racing in my mind on endless plane
As the thoughts of you turn into a bittersweet dismay
The time we spent together and the feelings you awoke
Violently I toss and turn as I begin to lose all hope

And I shouldn’t obsess
But I cannot help but to hear
When her soothing voice resounds
I am forever to be drawn near

Whilst I sit on a shelf alone
Only to entertain the silence
Slowly it creeps into my mind
An everlasting ultraviolet

Though happy at last it was
Were the nights together with you
Now seem to be a hollow oblivion
As my world is filled with a mournful gloom

What I had for a short season
I can only begin to admit
I can’t help but to crumble
As I begin to reminisce
Jul 2018 · 1.2k
Carcass of What Was
Johnson Jul 2018
Though I shouldn’t engage
I cannot help but to feel
The best parts of me
Encased in your seal

Like a bear snared in a trap
Wrenching in pain alone
I cannot remove myself from her
As her back slowly turns

What I wish will never be
For the times we shared
And eloquent words spoke
Forever embedded in my mind
As alone I begin to choke

As I watch you depart
I slowly burn inside
With the memories that remain
Nothing left to fear
But a hollow disdain

So haunted am I
In some mysterious haze
As I hear her glorious song
Though the taste is different
It never seems to linger for long

As stagnant as I am
I cannot look away
As you slip off to revelry
And violently swept into another’s gaze

So alone I am to sink
Violently into the night
Holding on to the dead carcass
As I seek what was never mine

For what I want to do I don’t
And what I don’t I do
A part of me is carried of in the distance
Left with the stunning memories of you
Jul 2018 · 16.5k
Fleeting Light
Johnson Jul 2018
Freed from the blackness that fills my nights
Awoken from the nightmares plaguing my mind
For a short stretch only to receive a brief taste
Holding on for I know she must make haste

Like the foggy windows on a summers night
So have I felt the warmth of another
Never wanting to leave her comfort
Never wanting to see the light

Like roses at the peak of their bloom
Only to enjoy briefly till death ensues
Withered away and dying as they are
So am I breaking as we have to part

Joy is a bitter taste
For it never stays to long
You hold on until you are unable
Until it leaves you withdrawn

Am I but just another face
Another notch upon your bed
Scattered amongst the crowd
Overlooked and overdrawn

For if I know what is true
But I wish it were a lie
To face another second
As I feel my dreams die

On my own I must go
For you’ve taken to much
What I wish I would receive
I only gave to another
Johnson Jul 2018
Weeks turn into months
The months drag on for years
As the clocks hands violently spin
Time seems to eloquently disappear

Lying for what seems to be eons
In hollow shell that once was
Praying for a new tomorrow
Never seemingly comes

The suns rays gently shine through
Only tease me with a glimmer of hope
That never seems to ensue
Wishing the warmth I have felt I never knew

Visual wonder seems to blend
Into an everlasting monotone grey
Staring into the empty wall
No stimulation to relieve my pain

Joy is nothing but word
For the mere feeling is left heard
And by my hands alone I sink
Into the darkness of night I’m never assured  

For imagination can thwart the coming days
Relieve my mind traveling on an escape
But for how long must you hold fast
Slowly as it becomes a twisted decay

For what I want I try to reach to grab
Only to grasp a hold for mere seconds
Slowly slipping through cracks of my hands
Returning to a bleak existence

As you search for the good you wish to find
In those few faces that abound
Your own misanthropic views
Seem to chase away those who are sound

So alone as you are to thee you must face
As your mind tears itself apart on endless race
Slowly you try as you fight against an uphill *****
Left to your own devices endless suffering without hope
Jul 2018 · 205
Johnson Jul 2018
Staring into halls
Shadowed in doubt
I want what I feel
I must never be without

Left on my own
I cannot escape my mind
Twisted distortions fill
What is never truly to arise

Time seems to drag on In this solitary confine
As you grow cold others seem to fall in line
Like an intense hunger that lingers for days
Only able watch into windows while others engage

So close as it is on the tip of your tongue
Only ripped from seems
Tragedy has only begun  
Never to feel the rays of the sun

How foolish it must be for I have felt much
How loathsome it is to be without one
Jul 2018 · 115
Johnson Jul 2018
Though I don’t want I cant help
but to Dream of the nights
When together we are alone
The world seems to be mine

For it is but my own luck I know will surely falter
My thirst is a grave company and I cannot satisfy
I want more till hurts till my well has run dry
I cant relent my own need for it is entrapped in my mind

Soon will you fade for you know what is to ensue
Though I try as I might I may never fully be rescued
For my hand is bleak as it is on a long winters night
The warmness fights while the cold stays alive

So if I am anything to much
If I am ever to soon
For what makes me feel alive
Is that which I pursue

Racing toward to stalk the ****
Ravenous in its hunt
Never to be quite fulfilled
Never it is enough

To surmise it is that which I have loved to much
Smothered till it bleeds thrown into the dust
Moderation is a word left unknown
Loving to much is a burdensome load
Jun 2018 · 218
Tragic Uncertainty
Johnson Jun 2018
You’re lost upon your weakened knees
For who am I but to my own ill reprieve?
For though one knows what is to come
And can never quite be sure
What is often plain as day
So often wishing to ignore

Searching for answers in days left behind
An uncertain question for what it seems you’ll never find
Indeed the solutions are not always in what you obtain
Sometimes it leaves you empty and stained

Though plain as day it is to whom it pertains
Warning signs carved into her ****** shape
You struggle to comprehend for your desire is but just
You seek sweet refuge in what is a heavenly host

For what is so difficult is not always what is to ensue
Often what is so grueling is facing the truth

For uncertainty is a cruel company
Teasing your every thought
Deteriorating under its shadow
Plagued by its every walk

Too jaded to be alone
To cold to sit together
Tying the strings of the mind
In a tragedy which seems forever

As you hold onto the knots she gently ties
Affixed your clench as you desperately try
Futility drives the force
Together you are untied
Jun 2018 · 85
The End
Johnson Jun 2018
How liberating a feeling
What a tragedy to play
The best part of reasoning
Is the end of our days

Although it is tragic
So must it ensue
Tasting bitter pavement
The end is the truth

Seems a ravaging horror
From a nightmarish hand
But liberates freedom
In one final stand

So it is time
How it is to flee
***** of all feeling
My soul is freed

Who am I but I wanderer
A hand to plot my coarse
Life everlasting
Freed from discourse

For if I must live to die
And I die as I hath lived  
What is the point in trying
Only to meet a cruel end
Jun 2018 · 209
Johnson Jun 2018
Clear in the glow of the night she shines
Her kisses bitter like an endless drive
Vision become blurred as muddy creek
In her Blissful hand guides the meet

In gluttony partaking in endless delight
Her glow above me surpasses, dulls all fright
Numbed hands and feet in a eerie room
Every sip burns the throat in darkened gloom

Never enough is her kiss for I am in need
She whispers fondly of the end of all our dreams
Best friend I never wanted never to leave my side
The only enemy to ever to touch me deep inside

Oh I love her so when she brings forth an intoxicating whine
How am I ever to be happy when she constantly fills my mind?
Dreaming of the days when we are to meet
Shadowy doubt fills the spaces in my seat

But she is torturous harlot
When again I am left alone
Thrown to scatter
As a dog without a bone

Dependpendable she is spry
I have never known such
She brings me to my knees
She is a lingering ghost

As warm as she enters
Just as cold she leaves
Shaking to the core
Captured like a thief
Jun 2018 · 188
Johnson Jun 2018
Though it may be cruel
I somehow am fooled
Her departure in heartache
I never understood

Though I suppressed
What I try to hold inside
your hand brought forth
A part of me that had died

Should’ve been guarded
For I knew what was to be
To my own folly I relinquish
Fully venerable to thee

I felt too much in her summer gaze
as her undertow ****** me in
blinded in the waters
entraped in her waves

Though I long to be free
To escape from the mind
I travel onward haunted
Like the days I left behind

Though I am made a fool
I cannot help but to think
The coldness that follows
Eternally to be truly hollow

To heaven I question
Why must I face dismay?
To God above I wish to
Take this life away

I do not want to walk alone
For there is no joy in such
Forever I am reminded
Of the pain to be ensued
The last two lines do not rhyme on purpose to symbolize an uncomfortable and cold end.

— The End —