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Dec 2019 · 120
You're not me.
CKute Dec 2019
Your life will lead into a dead end, after mine I'll become a legend. I will not be forgotten, while your body is down there rottin', nobodys gonna remember and I'll be crashing through your head like the planes on the 11th september.

I am relevant and am able to do everything you can't.
The only thing you do is screaming, while locking yourself up in a mental prison and losin' the key matching the sealing.

I am the champion of my state of mind, yours made you a puppet and got you stuck on rewind. I wake up every day and enjoy everything I do, you wake up every night thinking about killing yourself but aren't brave enough to pull through.

If I face problems I am not looking away cause I am the only one allowed to stay and you can't even handle the smallest pressure, your life really isn't much of a pleasure.

I'll die with a smile and yours died long ago, but then I tell myself, is that really so? We're cursed and followed by impiety, cause we share the same body but not the same life, mind and Personality. You're inside my head and sometimes take control over me, but that doesn't make you me.
Sep 2019 · 683
Worth living
CKute Sep 2019
Is it real or is it fake, whatever it is, it's a mistake.
Am I still living or am I just barely alive.
Everything seems so fragile and dangerous like the edge of a knife.

Do I make the right decision or should I just submit to total submission.
Do you value my words or will anyone else, what even is that question if I don't even do it myself.

There's nothing left to lose and the emptiness inside me is still growing, which might be a good thing, cause it makes it easier to choose.
I could search for something or someone nice or just continue to live in this world of disguise.
But I really feel like it doesn't matter, I just hope that it someday gets a little better.

Despite all this negativity around and within me, I know that life can be worth living and just as breathtaking as watching the sun sinking into the sea.
Dealing with depressions and mood swings isn't easy and sometimes hard to explain, I just pray that my last bits of hope for change will still remain.
I just want my feelings to be free and finally get rid of this aching agony.
Aug 2019 · 155
CKute Aug 2019
I am an empty body with no feelings, it feels like my emotions are beneath tons of sealings.
I can't laugh, I can't cry, I just want to say good bye.
I've been hurt, used and left alone, now writing this text while listening to a sad tone.

I have no purpose, no meaning. My Life feels like a nightmare which I am eternally dreaming.
I can't wake up, cause I am not asleep. Everything feels so unreal but yet hurts so deep.
I am locked in my room, I can't see the sun, cause my curtains are closed and so am I, just waiting for the day I die.

  I have nobody around, cause everyone just leaves me at some point and I guess that's fine, as I am dropping a tear in my glass of wine.
I want to go out and live my life, but I have no strength or any motivation.
I rather sit here the entire day and question my creation.

I hate nobody, but that's me. As I am hating myself the nobody.
I can't even think straight or logically anymore, as my heart feels so sore.
I was trying to escape negativity, but it always caught up.
I wasn't fast enough and at some point I've stopped moving.
I've accepted my life, I know it will not change as I am finally giving up on this hope I held.
Jul 2019 · 169
CKute Jul 2019
I will not surrender, I will fend her with my life.
Even if I am already dying inside, it's alright.

My heart's broken and so is my soul
but I won't give up on life, at least not on the whole.

I'll hope and I will forever be,
and nothing will ever change me.

I am staying myself and so should everyone else, it's not worth changing for someone you love, cause they won't love the real you and I hope everyone knows that too.

We all are unique, special and different
and we should stay true to ourselves till the bitter end.

No one has the right to push you around, so raise your voice and tell them out loud.
May 2019 · 155
CKute May 2019
There's one thing that bothers me my entire life, it's not you or anyone else, but me
I feel so powerless, helpless and weak, even though that is what I should seek.
I can't contain this damage any longer, it has to fade and I want others to see that those problems are eating on me.

But who should I tell about myself, I am like a forgotten book in a shelf.
There's no one gonna take me out, untouched and dusty.
I wish I could erase these pages which hurt me the most, because these negative ones are the host.
I am a garden full of dead flowers thirsty for water but all they get are my salty tears, they're drowning together with my fears.

I cannot sleep at night cause I am alone and inside myself ignites a fight.
Why can I not be like everyone else, happy and living without disgrace.
I am depressed, stressed and I can confess that I don't ever felt blessed.
I don't believe in god, someone else or even me.
I've lost myself years ago and with it my dignity.
Jan 2019 · 166
In Silence
CKute Jan 2019
The noise I hear is just an illusion, I fear.
When I cross the road and drop a tear, a smile tries to appear on my face and people look at me with disgrace.

The reason I smile is because it's fun that nobody reaches up after a while and why should I care, if people only stare.

I just want to be here, what do they have to fear?
Do I get in their way or they in mine, is living in the same city now a crime?
To question is insane because the silence will remain.

They've got nothing to say and I won't ever go away.
I can treat them right or wrong but it doesn't matter because we'd never get along.

These looks tell me more than books. It seems like I should leave but this won't happen as long as I breathe. It's my life and my decision and I really couldn't care less about their vision.

Everyone around me stays silent as if speaking up equals violent.
I have nothing to offer, neither am I willing to take, just respect eachother for God's sake.
Sep 2018 · 325
Born as Warrior
CKute Sep 2018
I was born a warrior, even if I always faced defeat, I've never stopped to breathe. I've been trying hard and even if I failed, I've still been standing at last.

Over twenty years of sorrow and it seemed like nobody had some time to borrow. I had no goal in my life, but I've always been aiming to thrive. Many months, actually years, I've been wasting with wiping away my tears.

But every tear that I have dropped, was just another knowledge unlocked. A new chapter of my story, but all of them never ended with a sorry. My feelings were turned into stones and I could feel the pain passing through my bones.

Pain, tears and me, nobody will ever take us apart, because that's how it shall be. I've told myself that everything might change some day, and as long as my heart is beating I will stay.
Sep 2018 · 643
CKute Sep 2018
If I write, then I usually stay up late night.
Most of the times, I don't think about good rhymes.
Sadly at last, I am wasting years thinking about my past.

There's something in my head, something on my mind.
Maybe it's another sad story which my brain just has designed.
But I see no reason to write it down, I rather have fun with this weird looking clown.
Everything feels so weird and strange, but at least I don't have to adapt to change.

I am nothing, but that's still something, not much not even a bit, but nothing.
A lot of these things might not make sense to you, but that's fine, not everything fits, just like my shoe.
Aug 2018 · 290
CKute Aug 2018
Aug 2018 · 223
CKute Aug 2018
Someday someone stole my heart and he was about to flee. I've asked him what he wants with a million shards, he answered that he's after true beauty and that true beauty cannot be broken, I did not understand what he meant, until one day he brought it back in one piece, since this day he never left again.
Aug 2018 · 208
Leaving the Way
CKute Aug 2018
I am living a nightmare, but who would actually care.
What or who am I to you, probably nothing and I know that this is true.
I am walking the way alone, hoping for someone being there for me before my last hopes are getting blown.

I trust everyone and that's a big mistake, I should just care about myself for ******* sake. But I am weak and just want people to understand, that's the only thing I would call my demand.

But who am I to a random, I am living the life of a phantom.
Nobody really wants to see me, but this need of love will never leave me be.

I should just leave the way, before my hopes turn me gray and I don't want to suffer in a world of ignorance, that's my true stance.
If you ever need my help, don't hesitate to ask, because I won't wait until you yelp.
Aug 2018 · 346
30 seconds - 1
CKute Aug 2018
The sun is shining, we poets are rhyming.
Others might be out to bathe, but we fill our sheets with creative parts.
This is a thirty second writing, as I am freestyling the way I am diving.
Had an Idea of 'freestyle writing' within 30 seconds, that's the result.
Aug 2018 · 312
How are you?
CKute Aug 2018
Very good because I am not bad and now I am good and good is good and bad is bad that's why I feel good and not bad because to feel bad isn't really good that's why I rather feel good than bad, like I mean having good feelings are always better than bad feelings, that's why I always try to feel good and not bad, so yes I am really good because today I don't feel so bad, that's pretty good right, also there are days where I feel really bad and that's not so good, but it should be good I mean if I don't feel bad then it would be good, you know like bad feelings are just bad so as I said I do kinda aim for a good feeling, you know yes, so I feel good I think, but I am not really sure could be kinda bad aswell, how are you doing?
You don't have to understand.
Aug 2018 · 180
Breaking Up
CKute Aug 2018
I thought I will not cry, but now I am here.
and my eye is dropping a tear,
I am drowning my fear, with beer.

Thought I could handle this, but now I just miss.
Everyone, around me, nothing left.

You stole my heart and planned this theft.
I want it back, but it's gone for all this time.
I wish I could just report this as a crime.

Breaking me inside, even though there was no right.
What have I done wrong, why could we not get along.
Why does this pain last so long.

I just wanna leave, but you make my feelings deaf.
I thought you were my tree, holding to it's leaf.
But it just took a breeze, and it made me leave.

You beg me to forgive, but how should I forgive something like this.
You've broken me inside, tonight.
I always stood close to you, tight.

I am done, but now I feel so lonesome.
What does this mean, where have you been.
You've told me you were doing some important stuff, until I noticed that I wasn't enough.

Love isn't always nice,
it turned me as cold as ice
and my heart is freezing,
yet I am still breathing.

I just want to stop existing,
as I speak and you're not listening.
Aug 2018 · 259
CKute Aug 2018
I am standing outside on my balcony, it's late night, cold and I am freezing.
I hold a cigarret in my hand and it's poison is what I am breathing.
I am aware of it, that it can be deadly, but I still consume.
It's because I am addicted, and afflicted but afterwards I'll just get back into my room.

Returning, but my lungs are still burning.
It feels good, for a while, until you realise that you might die.
But who cares, everything you do might be deadly, and it's dreadly.

There's nothing right, neither there's something wrong,
it depends on the persons opinion.

You should not judge, neither critisize, rather respect and understand.
Because that's what you'd prefer in the end.

I am going for another one, the last one wasn't enough.
Outside again, still freezing and again I am breathing.
I can feel the poison inside of me, it's noxious and obnoxious.
But for some reason I still enjoy, it must be a ploy.
Jul 2018 · 165
Passing by
CKute Jul 2018
Here I am passing by, passing by until the day I die.

I am writing late night, late night, because I cannot keep up the fight.

I am drowning in my feelings, my feelings are unbreakable sealings.

There's something in my heart, in my heart and it feels like it's falling apart, apart.

The motivation to keep on going, has stopped growing, there's nothing worthy left, it will be an eternal rest.

But I can't allow myself to quit, to quit, because I am not the person who's gonna give up too quick, too quick.

So... Here I am passing by, passing by until the day I die.
Jun 2018 · 201
CKute Jun 2018
I am a demon,  who's causing your internal bleeding.
You've made contract with me, I did not force you to agree.
Just once you wanted to feel strong, but I shatter these mortals all along.
I am in charge of your body, having full control, that's my hobby.
I can do everything with your soul, it will burn like coal.

Tasty, how I am feasting on your miserable feelings.
You beg me to leave, but not as long as you breathe.
Death, that's the only way out, there's nothing else, I doubt.
I can feel your body aching, but soon the pain will be fading.
Just end your agony already, suicide is the only thing which is necessary.

Don't try to resist, look at you, you can't even endure to exist.
I am waiting for the moment, for you to yell: PLEASE END THIS TORMENT.
Let me fulfill your wish, I am giving you the Death's Kiss.
These are the last seconds for you and finally you got through.
Now I am unleashed, this time I'll remain undefeated.
Jun 2018 · 206
CKute Jun 2018
Just a fading soul
may it contain all the strength
to arrive heaven
Jun 2018 · 196
Cruel World
CKute Jun 2018
A hole deeper than the ocean and time passes in slow motion. I am falling down and the light is fading. I seem to lose my hope, as I see new problems waving.

I am close to hit the ground, to earth I will be bound.
I rather rise, but that's not possible in a world of ice and when I look in other peoples eyes, the only thing I see are lies.

There's nothing I could call my own, one of the reasons that I always feel alone, I've got a smile on my face, but I live my life with disgrace.

I remain silent, but my feelings almost feel violent.
There's a war inside my head, caused by many and it has not ended yet.

A victim of my own, and my heart feels like a stone.
I can't win a war inside my head, which is declared by and against me, if I could, I would just flee.

There's a gate, which can be unlocked anytime, but once it's open, there's no turning back, just take a sharp tool and end this life of a fool.

Life could've been so easy, but it was not for me,
it was filled with misery and it almost led me to a killing spree, but I am still here, thinking about many things, just as I end this text, my mood swings.
Jun 2018 · 355
CKute Jun 2018
I don't want to die
can't see a reason to live
so what should I do
Jun 2018 · 270
No Idea
CKute Jun 2018
I've got no idea what to write, it feels like every idea wants to hide.
But I am diggin' deep, until I fall asleep, while sitting here tight.
I am stressed out, but may not speak that out loud, since I want you to be proud.

This part kinda ******, well as I said my mind is kinda f*cked.
Not everday I can perfom at my best, sometimes I just need a little rest.
So I might want to confess, I am currently not making any progress.

It's late in the night, soon the sun brings us back the light.
I feel kinda tired, but I don't want to give up now, even if my eyelids drop low.
My brain is working hard, as I see sunshine appearing in the front yard.

So early, but yet so late, I guess my readers actually do have to wait.
Obviously this wasn't serious, I don't want them to be furious.
Everyone knows that I am a mastermind, as I present you this new poem, which I just have designed.

I hope you really enjoy reading, this last part shouldn't really be missleading.
I don't think that good about myself, I ain't better than anyone else.
So I am done with the whole, and now I have reached my goal.
Jun 2018 · 237
Final Goodbye
CKute Jun 2018
A new day, sunny weather,
stressed out, just like any other,
but at least I can watch Harry Potter
and I am watching it on my own, because I was left alone.
Can't reach anyone at the phone, it's because I am alone.
I am sitting here, drinking my beer,
though that I don't really like it, am drowning my fear.
This might be a little weird, but I wish I had a man with a real beard, just like Hagrid.
I feel bored and yet amused, while I create this masterpiece, confused.
I am done with the movie and now have nothing to watch.
Done with my beer, ready for the scotch.
Slowly getting drunk, emptying the glas.
I think it was one too much, am gonna pass.
While I am busy pitying myself, I didn't notice the call.
Checking my phone, there's a message on it but it says nothing good at all.

'Hey You, I've been trying to reach you for hours now, but I guess you're busy with self-pitying yourself again and to be honest, I am tired of this, this is my final goodbye'
Jun 2018 · 347
CKute Jun 2018
Feeling so cold and alone, I could be a reference to a stone. My heart torn apart, not filled with love but shards. I can't look forward anymore, because all that I can see is the past within me. A thousands times I was hurt, been standing alone at the court of a judgemental source. I've got your word and all these from those others too, but it wasn't ever worth, well that's actually also nothing new.

If I could speak, I would yell out my hate and every single word which got thrown, I might not be able to make any noises, but trust me I will always remember these voices. YOU'RE STUPID, yes I know. YOU'RE NOTHING, if that's what you say, YOU'RE USELESS ANYWAY.

One night I was dreaming, but woke up because I heard my mother screaming. I've been sneaking to their room, and I was silently standing there, but everything I saw was our doom. I saw my mother with a knife, she was about to take my father's life. She was helpless and she couldn't continue anymore, so I saw my father dropping to the floor. She looked at me because I started crying, and when she saw me shaking, I could feel her heart breaking.

She pulled out the knife of my father's chest, and shoved it between her *******, but before she did, she has spoken her lasts words. She also dropped to the floor, both were death, I was still standing at the door, hearing nothing but my own breath. Since this day I've remained silent and didn't ever say a single word, instead I put my thoughts and feelings on paper, while writing this text from the psychiatry as a self proclaimed psychedelic shaper.
May 2018 · 181
Dedicated Deception
CKute May 2018
If I would lose every connection, it would be called dedicated deception.
I'd ask myself this question, am I really in the right session?

I've thought about being tall, but people rather wanted me to stay small.
I've looked helpless for a moment, but when I called for help, I just faced torment.
Whenever I felt down, the people who would have shown, where only those who've thrown.

I just want to dream, and I rather don't want to be seen.
I've got hurt so many times, it felt like being captured in a crime.
Those people who've talked to me about love, acually always were rough.

I have no right to rule or demand, but would have loved it, to take someone's hand.
I just want to be respected, and not neglected by all those ******* crackheads.
But everything that happens to me, will be something I'll make you see,
and then you'll agree, that I was feeling like I had to flee.

I never had expected, that I would be distracted,
but I always did, when u acted, like I was accepted.

I've got used, and never really felt amused,
but does it matter, my mood changes like the weather.

Sometimes I cry so much, that my tears could drown you,
and I show my feelings, infront of you weaklings.
You're feeling strong, but actually are stupid all day long.

I've got beaten down, but I am here, picking up that crown.
Everyone of you always feels so high, but for me it's not even worth to sigh.
It might be sad to hear, but I've got used to my fear.

I am strong enough, to never give up, and I will never change,
I'll be the friend for those who need me, and maybe one day you'll understand and see,
that everyone who's around you,
is nothing but a dedicated deception, and you should ask yourself this question...
do you actually have any meaningful connection?
May 2018 · 183
CKute May 2018
The world is a bad place for a good soul, yet we can ignite like burning coal.
Fire in our eyes, we can make their heartbeats rise, within shady lies.
We pretend to know, but we're moving far to slow, since lies freeze us into ice.

Gotta help someone out, then I can feel proud -
But should I really feel that way, is it really good to say?

If I'd be in need, I'd look for a hand that feeds,
I would be kind, and would not have any bad things on my mind.

I've got used so many times, but I never noticed it.
Trapped inside a shell, never cracked and never escaped, because it had a hard shape.

Sometimes I think about me, who is stuck inside this misery.
I can't live, but at least I survive, even though the knife is my only friend in Life.

I hide my tears, living with my fears, but I smile, since I don't want others to worry,
it's just a normal day, me writting a letter and acting to feel better, but whatever.

I am trying to help people, always and whenever I can, but when they tell me to take care of myself, I could cry and ask myself, why don't you take care of me and why do I have to do it for you, where's the logic, where are you, when you need me I am here, but I am alone and I have to take care of my own fear.

We could live a happy life, but since the world is a bad place for a good soul, we will never be together and our days will be as dark as crows.
May 2018 · 181
Sad Romance
CKute May 2018
You're gone, I won't see you anymore.
I started crying when I heard that you have left.  

Am speechless, because of you.
Am drowning in my tears, because of you.
Am driving insane, because of you.
But without you, I'd not be here.
It's all because of you.

Started from the bottom, and haven't ever seen a glimpse of light.
Was wandering in the darkness, and met you in the night.

You've gave me your hand, and with it your heart.
It felt like a bridge and you've offered me a new start.

You just were there, and I couldn't believe my eyes.
Someone reaching out to me, but I was tired of all these lies.

I've asked you, if you will never leave and let me alone.
You've answered 'No', in such a breathtaking and charming tone.

You've got me up, and brought me over this bridge.
Felt a smile appearing on my face, and didn't even feel a single stitch.

It was so good and it felt so right,
thank you for meeting you, at this lonely night.

But now you're gone, we've not been together for very long.
I am about to cry, why has it to be you who had to die.

Am speechless, because of you.
Am drowning in my tears, because of you.
Am driving insane, because of you.
But without you, I'd not be here.
It's all because of you.

I'll always be in love with you, it's because of you.
May 2018 · 211
The Sin
CKute May 2018
Whenever I'll die, I'll revive and will take a second chance to destroy another life.
Whenever you will leave, I'll find someone else as long as I just breathe.
Whenever you fall in love, you've got my promise that I'll be rough.

If you ever feel ashamed, you're probably the one to be blamed.
I am the creator of the biggest Sin, probably the reason why I always win.
I'll do everything that I want, because there's nothing that I can't.
I can treat you very well, as long as you're a follower of hell.
I'll set your minds on fire, I'll burn each of your desire.
I know no mercy, only to the ones who will not deny and agree, else I'll put them into misery.

I am a fanatic sociopath, who surely will take you apart so that you'll never have a chance  for a new start.
I've got the power of a thousands, I can be the one who's moving mountains.
But for now you'll be enough, because I can form your life just as I do it with dough.
I am the sin and you're a saint, I've drawn your life, just as I do it on paint.

I am a lingering disease, but one who will never leave, I'll take my room inside your head, that's the place where I will be sleeping at. I'll not let you dream of anything else but me,
I am an abnormality and am taking your dignity until I'll set your soul free.
May 2018 · 351
CKute May 2018
There's a sealing on my heart,
and it feels like it's unbreakable,
but how long do I need to keep waiting,
until I find the key, which I cannot see.

Could it be today or tomorrow, then I am finally done with this sorrow. I am not searching for love, because I can't find it myself, it's like a lucky day to meet someone who's gonna stay.

But I'll be waiting, until the day I start fading.
You the person who I haven't met, I am already in love with you, and that's all that I need, to not give up and to stay until we meet.

Someday the right one will come, to break this sealing on my heart, with his and if it's true love, then I am sure that he will never miss, he will have the key, which I cannot see, but feel.
May 2018 · 255
CKute May 2018
Whatever I am going to do or try, it'll fail. But I am always repeating, as long as I am still breathing, there's no time for sleeping.

It might take a day, maybe even a month or also a year, but as long as I keep breathing, I won't feel any fear.

I'll repeat, whatever I am going to do or try, no matter how much I cry, I'll fight until the day I die.

I am putting my thoughts on some paper, just like these scars on my skin with this sharp rapier. I'll not deny, I am not okey, but it's okey, I can be outside while it's sunny weather, but inside is a storm, and my feelings are digging their holes and are hidding like a worm, and I know that I shouldn't hide myself, but what shall I do if there's nobody who's gonna help me break my shell.

While I write I am thinking about nothing else, just about my shady-self. I am pretending to be okey and that everything's alright, but they don't know that I am inside a fight, a fight which I won't win on my own, but there's nothing to hope for, because everything I had is gone.

The only thing I've got left is the word 'alone'.

Whatever I am going to do or try, it'll fail. But I am always repeating, as long as I am still breathing, there's no time for sleeping.
May 2018 · 370
CKute May 2018
I'll drop from the sky, not because I am a falling angel, but a leaping human, on a suicide mission, that's at least what I want to try.

I'll either fly away or die, but whatever it will be, there won't be any changes, and nobodys gonna miss me. I am alone for all these days, months and years, and tired of all my tears.

I feel sad and negativ, but at least this turns me creative,
so I write, and that's better than skinning myself for all this stress.

Can someone hear me out and I ain't gonna be to loud, because all I do is whisper in your ear, asking you to be the slayer of my fear. But who'll be that guy who listens to a insane person like me, they better take their stuff and flee.

I don't know who I am, because everyday I am someone else, told by the voices in my head, tomorrow I'll be dead. Awaking from my dream and getting up from my bed, taking my last steps to the roof and then leap, as soon as my foot doesn't feel the floor I start to regret and wish I would still be in my bed, but that's over and am falling, let's call it a voice-take-over.
May 2018 · 167
CKute May 2018
I am a pure entity of destruction, I can probably blame my eduction. My parents didn't treat me well, the reason for that, well - I've been a special kind of child, I wasn't nice but wild. I've got my problems here and there, got used by them, yeah. I am not scared or ashamed to talk about my feelings, they ain't no sealings.

There's nothing for me to break, since I am all wide open, like my scars on my arms bleeding while my heart's already broken. I've got a reason to live, and that's the fear of death, and I still own my breath.

If I could change one **** thing, it would still be almost everything. I am looking for a little bit of love, but I can't wait for heaven to send an angel from above.

Oh lord, give me a sign, or just say one word.
Do you really exist or is everything just absurd.
I've been told that you're a saviour and you're against hate,
and I am here crying and wishing for satan to fade,
but he remains inside my head, he wants me to be dead.

I live like a fool, and I just feel like a tool.
They've got everything they needed, but I am still undefeated, because how shall you win against a sin.

— The End —