You call yourself an island boy
Though you've barely left the shore.
Still, I can see the resemblance
Because your eyes shine like stars on the water
And you're as steadfast as the cliffs
Buffeted by heaving tides.
Your arms are as warm as the summer sand
And I forget to breath when I watch you sleep
So I feel the peace of drowning
As I'm pulled into the depths of utter devotion
To you.

I'd like to be haunted so I'm never alone
I talk to my demons because no one is home.
I look in the mirror and I want to break it
Because I see my body, and ****, I hate it.
When I was a child, I'd dream of my future
But the heat death is coming, so what does it matter?
The pictures on the walls show a pretty little lie,
Because little me was smiling but she still wanted to die.
I'm friends with my depression because it's not gonna leave me
Anxiety is my companion because it's only here when I'm breathing.
I'm tired okay? I need a **** break
Because I can't cry anymore
And ****, I feel fake.
Little Susy had it worse and she's a thriving mom now.
But I can't seem to cope, if you know, tell me how.
Why does my chest seize up when I'm alone
When the silence fills the room
Why does my brain feel the need to talk amidst the hush,
And I pray my husband is home soon.
Because being alone with myself is terrifying
With all the **** in my head.
Because when I'm alone, it's easier to hear
My brain say I'd be better dead.

I have so many thoughts in my head
but none of them actually make sense.
Well, that's not true either.
But I can't figure out the order they go in.
I'm trying to be better.
To love myself harder.
I sing in the shower
and dance in the mirror
but only when its still fogged up.
I smile more in my pictures
and I don't delete the ones in my husband's phone.
I'm making little steps
to falling in love with myself
which is a lot of effort
when I can barely walk as it is.
I try not to hate myself when I break
and binge eat again
but its really hard not to
when I know that I won't eat again for a few days.
And I know its a problem,
and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm just trying to love myself through it.

The book that I was raised on
said we killed You today.
That it took three days
and You rose again.
I believed it.
I still do.
But it says You're always with us.
And honestly.
I'm starting to wonder
Where?