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Kellin Sep 2018
i can’t tell if i’m
broken or not.
am i okay?
is thinking of ending myself
just a reflex
as this point?
a coping mechanism
that fills the space
that the absence of sadness
leaves blank.
do i want to die,
or do i simply
want to sleep?
am i just tired?
overreacting?
depressed?
did i finally crack and spill over?
am i empty now?
Kellin Sep 2018
and it feels like commitment.
and that begins a tug-of-war
inside me.
i want to give her to give me all of her.
but that means returning
the priceless gift.
i want to open myself, let her inside.
but how do i give what has
always been taken?
i want to know what it means to be in love.
but in my dictionary, “in love”
is undefinable.
Kellin Sep 2018
must be nice to have that kind
of unshakable belief
in  a merciful higher power.

i believe in a higher power,
but you can’t call
it merciful. no, not at all.

it’s the power of my father, all
will and rules and law,
and governed himself by

Deadly sins, chief among them
avarice and lust.
the only two that don’t apply

are sloth and gluttony. that last
one i lay claim to, and
before i go to work, i plan on

giving into it wholeheartedly.
Gluttony interrupted
leads to Gluttony, with a capital G.
Kellin Aug 2018
hate to *****.
can’t stand the protest
of an upset stomach, the heave
of bile and undigested food,
the carve of acid in the esophagus.
okay, i don’t like that part much myself.
but i do like the cool porcelain on
my face, the solid of tile beneath
my ****. most of all, i like my belly
emptied, even temporarily,
of food.
of fat.
of pain.
Kellin Aug 2018
i seriously despise the man, would do just
about anything not to obey him, at
least if i thought i could get
away with it or even that
the sure consequences
would be sufferable.
but when daddy
decides to make
you suffer,
it’s more
than any-
one can
bear.
Kellin Aug 2018
my skin is hot. fevered. demanding
to be soothed. touched. satisfied.

have i gone crazy? i have never, ever
done such a thing. never unlocked
this private room inside of me. never
ever wanted to take a look inside.

am i possessed? entered by a demon,
chained and padlocked, inside of myself?
i feel possessed, taken by some evil,
sick desire. desire i can’t control.

what is wrong with me? i don’t want
this. oh god. it can’t feel good.

but it does.
it does.
does.
Kellin Aug 2018
chokes me. strangled me.
it was dark in my room.
very dark.
someone had closed the curtain.
i was small. maybe nine.
mommy wasn’t home.
but daddy was.
he lurched through my door.
that scared me. but why?
he’d never hurt me before.
only touched me lovingly.
like any daddy.
so why did i tremble?
why did i catch my breath,
hold it, as if
i might never breathe again?
why did my heart feel
like a race-car engine?
daddy must have heard it.
                                  Don’t be afraid, little flower.
                                  It’s only me.
and almost instantly, daddy
made everything seem just fine.
even when it wasn’t.
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