Depression
Being so tired you can't get up.
You can't drag yourself out of bed.
Anxiety
Being so wound up you can't sleep.
You can't sit still without feeling like
Your skin will crawl off.
It's a weird feeling having both at once.
Like you can't move,
But under your skin in vibrating.

You'll forever be,
My never ending love


Which means,
You'll forever be,
My never ending heartbreak.

May is grey.
but for me
Every day is grey
Surrounded by reminders.
Myself,
I am a reminder.
Of everything you were.
Everything you did.
May is graduation.
It's supposed to be happy.
And I am
Happy.
But my happy has,
A black hole of anger,
and sadness in the middle
And I fall into it daily.
Sometimes hourly.
And May isn't as happy.
As it should be.
Could have be.
If you were here with me.
Grey in May.
Grey all Day.
Every day
In every way.
I think of you
And miss you too.

My days consist of
an Acrobats walk
along this black hole
within my chest.
Balancing among the rubble
within my heart.
Stumbling into its blackness to drown.
But climbing out
to walk along the edges again.
A little further away from the edge each time.
My grief a balancing act.
One where
During the day I circle
the edge of the darkness.
But at night
I fall into the darkness.
Only to resurface again in the morning.

So today is Mother’s Day.
And while you were my dad,
Every year I wished you a Happy Mother’s Day too.
Because you’re the one who taught me all the things,
That my mother should have but didn’t

The man who tried to put my hair up,
Even if it was a disaster, you were never very good at it.
But I always appreciated the fact that you tried.

The man who bought me my first box of pads,
When I came out of the bathroom mortified that I wasn’t prepared.
But you handled it like a champ and just went right out and got them for me.

So today is a little more empty then before.
Where the emptiness used to be the fact that my mother had failed me.
She had failed to be a good mother, her best just wasn’t enough.
Now the emptiness is that you aren’t here either, and now I just feel like an orphan.

With my roots ripped out of the ground.
Not sure where exactly I belong, or if I even belong anywhere anymore.

But happy mother’s Day in Heaven Dad.
I hope you know that even though you’re gone
I’m still thankful every day for you, who you were, and who you helped me become.

I’ve become accustom to a world without you.
A world where I have this space that I cautiously,
Meticulously walk around during the day.

Knowing you aren’t here,
But keeping the thought and knowledge in the back
Of my mental space so I only feel the vibration of the loss.
But at night or rough days,
The knowledge of your loss is something I can’t ignore.
And it suffocates me.
Takes the breath from my lungs,
the physical pain I feel in my chest is unmistakable.

Grief.
So eloquently I avoid the grief during the day.
When I need to stay focused on the world I'm in now.
The facade I’ve mastered is beautiful.
but on days when I can’t or when my mind is bored,
I can’t avoid the empty space in my life that vibrates me to my core.

Where the grief is stored.
Where the anger reveals itself to be
True grief.
Honest loss.
Reliable devastation.

And I have to learn how to live,
With the constant vibration,
Of grief.

Dear Me,
It's you.
We are us.
Stop demolishing the
Foundation we built below us.
Don't demolish years
Of growth for moments,
Of doubt from others.
You, me, us
Are enough.
Love,
    Me

I try to think,
back to after you got sick.
to the details outside
Of you and your cancer.

But the harder I
Try to place my finger
upon those details,
The more i realize
I wasn't paying attention.

I can't remember
anything but you.
Sick, in pain, and scared.
Begging me not to leave.
Telling me...

"I'm not ready to leave.
I'm not ready to go.
You, me and Willow
Still have a lot to do."

So I don't remember.
I only remember my dad.
And that he wasn't ready to go
Anymore then we were ready
to let him go.

And all at once
It hits me
One look
And how much
I truly love you
Drowns me.
And I'm soaked
To the bone.
Never having known
This immense a love.

The finish line is here.
I've finally crossed it.
Finally gotten to the end
Of this chapter
Graduation.
Finally a nurse.
Only the state boards
Stand in my way
Of the very beginning
Of my dreams.

My grief for the loss of you
Is indescribable.
But,
It'll never be more
Then the grief you must have
For not being here.
I lost you
But you lost all of us.
Ripped from here
In an instant.
You weren't given even
A moment to say goodbye.
To collect your thoughts,
Only moments to realize:
You weren't ready to go.
So my grief my be breathtaking
And my grief may drop me to my knees.
But yours must be more.
It must reverberate off the walls
Of heaven like a shock wave.
Shattering souls.
And I try to remember while
I may have lost you.
I am still here.
I am still alive.
And every moment I take for granted
Every minute I waste wishing I
Was dead, not here.
Wishing I could give up.
Is another loss for you
Another blow to your heart.
Because I am still here.
I am still able to make a difference
Be the change.
The change you saw in me.
So I'm doing my best
To remember
That i am still here.

We used to chase dreams together.
Set our sites on another adventure.
Another goal to crush.
My dreams became yours.
Your dreams became mine.
And our stars turned into the same universe.

But when your stars burnt out.
My universe changed color.
And I was left,
Wondering where I was.
The dreams we used to chase together,
I had to chase myself.
And I wasn't ever sure if I'd make it.
If I'd conquer the adventures without you.
And our dreams would die with you.

But I'm chasing those dreams
I'm finding those adventures.
And I've picked up a few people on the way.
So our dreams,
Your dreams,
Are very much alive.
I've got them for you.
And each one I achieve.
Each adventure I take,
I'll be bringing you too.

You will never truly die.
Because a writer loved you dearly.
And every adventure,
Every story will forever
Have a piece if you in it.

I breath you in.
Deep drawing breaths.
Hoping to make them last.
Until I see you again.
As if to breath
Your very essence into my soul.
Brand your scent into mine.
To last a lifetime.

I have had passion.
I have had over the top,
Bring you to your knees love.
Have had...
Meaning past tense.
Because passion fades.
It is like a mirage.
Fading the closer to it you get.
An ambient light,
Gone as soon as you near.
I have had utterly devote love.
I'd do anything for you.
I'd be any one for yoh.
Had, past tense.
The thing with all that.
All the things the books write out
In love stories.
Created to make you believe
That real love.
True love should be
This all consuming love.
That drops you to your knees
This passion you can not control.
That's not real love.
That isnt true love.
Those are fairytales
With fairytale creates.
For children to learn that love isnt scary.
Real love is hard
It's a choice.
It's annoying, and aggravating.
Its smiling but also wanting to slap them.

It took me a long time to learn.
Real love is a slow burn.
That ignites randomly.
And you're consumed with it.
But itll burn down.
Smolder instead of ignite.
And you fall into this blissful.
Ordinary.
Ordinary life.
Filled with everyday tasks.
And in between the ordinary.
Are these extraordinary
Ignitions of passion.
And those,
That is what true love is.
Ordinary moments of choice
With extraordinary moments
Of passion.

Tell me your secrets.
The ones you're to afraid to speak.
Tell me the darkest parts of your mind.
Where the dark parts of you lurk.
Use me like a vault.
No one will ever get in.
Your secrets are safe with me.
I'll never let them see.
Use me,
Let me be your secret place.
To place all your wordy posessions.
Don't hold yourself do tightly.
When I'm willing to be your ear.
There's no point in hiding
When spoken it'll only disapear.
Beneath the vault in me,
Where all my deepest darkest secrets no one will ever see.

Broken glass liters the ground.
****** footprints all around.

I search for peace,
Within this release.

Only for a moment I’m free.
Floating  among the clouds carefree.

Then the anger, doubt, and worry.
Cover me in smoke in a flurry.

Reminding me of what I’ve done/
How this would hurt everyone.

And once again the blood on the floor,
Isn’t such a relief anymore.

And my short escape from here
Just as quickly will disappear.

Among my many other mistakes.
Like my own mental outbreaks.

Why can I never remember this part.
Where all the relief just falls apart.

Turning to regret.
Forgetting it all and hit….
                                Reset.

How long is forever?
A second or two.
Maybe as long as
It takes to say thank you.

We spend hours fretting
Over moments and things
only to realize,
We’re only on strings.

Being pulled and twisted.
Into the will of other’s desires.
Running all over
Just trying to put out their fires.

The wills of the world.
Sitting on our shoulders.
Clogging our throats
As if we’ve swallowed boulders.

Trying to please a world
We do not understand.
Living in fear
Of what else will be banned.

Covered in fear
Drowning in doubt.
Surrounded by lies
We can’t figure out.

I don’t know why it feels as though,
I have known you my whole life.
As if instead of getting to know a new person,
Rather I am remembering all of the things,
another me has forgotten.
As if maybe we have been here before.
Maybe in another life,
Another universe.
Where our stars;
Crossed paths once again.
Destined to be no matter what
Path we take in our lives.
And I’m not one to believe in the fates,
Or that we have soul mates that are ours.
However,
I do believe in connections.
Soul connections where people can recognize,
Another soul that matches theirs.
Like the internal wirings of our bodies say,
“Oh hey, I know you.”

And then those connections stick.
And we are drawn closer to one another.
Maybe not forever,
Maybe for only moments.
But the connections of the soul,
Are ones that we remember,
Randomly for no reason.
Even if it was only a quick Hello in an elevator,
Never to see each other again.
Those Connections,
We remember them.

We remember you.

The night sky is cloudy.
Stars unable to be seen for miles.
The air is silent.
Except for the sound of the rain.
Not even the animals make a sound

The headlights point
To the woods.
The engine shut off long ago.

The only movement,
Is a single red ribbon floating in the wind.
The rain bouncing off the ground.
And a single displaced shoe
Laying on the ground.

And I cried:
What did I ever do
To deserve demons like you!
And my demons replied:
"Oh little girl can't you see,
Who you are you wouldn't be without me.

Being sick isn't easy.
But even harder when,
From the outside looking in
Everything is perfectly fine.
But from the inside looking out,
The days are black as night.
And no one left the light on

Breathless
Coy
Slightly off course.
Belligerant
Fumbling
With little remorse.
That is how I love you.
That is how I will always love you.
All the way.

32 letters written in May.
Almost all about you.
That however is nothing new.
But all this writing.
Coming to terms,
Sorta, Kinda.
One thing always rings true.
You were my very best friend.
and
God did i love you.
Also,
I'm almost 99% positive.
That on top of bringing me
Lucille, my savior with 4 legs.
You also brought me him.
Guiding us back to one another.
Where I always belonged.
So thank you.
For looking out for me,
Even after you left.
I'd expect nothing less,
Of my first and favorite savior.

My control has become
the thing I grasp onto
My OCD on high alert
Rewriting a planner
13 times in 6 months.
More rewriting then months.
But the mistakes
grate at me
rubbing me raw.
The white out,
Like a black mark
on my life.
Another reminder
that I failed
to save you.
and then I realize
I have no control
my life run by failed
attempts to remain flawless.
only to be reminded by whiteout.
That I failed you
I couldn't save you.
And I stayed.
I let you go
And I stayed.
Like a black stain on me,
I stayed.

Somewhere between here
and then.
Between what was and what could be.
I lost you.
And then I found him.
The boy!
The one you promised I'd find.
The one who would
change my mind.
Would crumble my wall.
But how do I move
Forward without your steady hand?
You won't be there at a wedding.
Or the birth of a grandchild.
How do I have a child,
that will never know you.
You knew him and liked him.
But how do I give myself
Permission to have a life.
A new life where you
can't be here for it.
How do I let that be okay?
Becusem,
I'd really like to keep him.
But i gotta keep going if i want to keep him.
So tell me Dad........
How do I let myself have a happy life
without you here with me?

For my daughter.
I hope you know I love you
And that no matter what
Everything I've ever done has been
What's best for you.
When you're older I hope
That you're proud of the mother
I have become.
I won't ever be perfect.
And you'll get mad at me
More then I'd like to admit to myself.
You'll think I'm ruining your life,
And if you say you hate me
Know that I immediately forgive you.
I'll get mad and sometimes yell.
I'll lose my cool and regret my
Anger immediately.
I won't always say yes to you,
But know if I don't I promise I have a reason.
But most importantly I need
You to know,
No matter what you do
No matter where you are
If you're mad at me or not
I'm here for you always.
If need be with no questions.
I've got you.

My Lifeline
Once upon a time
it used to be my dad.
He was my safety.
The person I could count on
to have my back.
"I've got you."
But he's gone.
And somewhere along the way
he handed you the keys
to my walls.
And gave you the manual to protect me.
Somehow you took over
where he left the
car running.
And as you learn the way
you've slowly made it possible
for me to trust someone
other than him.
And now
you've become my person
My "I've got you."
The person to bring me back.
From the darkness of my own mind.
You've become....
                                My Lifeline.

How wonderful it would be if
May was just a month
And grey was just a color
If the 27th was just a day
And 0319 just a time
If 20 was just a number.
And the brain just another body part.

But that's not the case
That's just not true
Because every single one of those
Correlates to you.

Missing you
Is like choking
On air.
It only happens
When I breathe.

A letter to nobody,
I wish that i could explain to you just how much it hurts to grieve a loss as great as this.  but until you know the loss of your father, mother, best friend, confidant, cheerleader, partner in crime you don't know what it feels like to have it all gone.
It's missing every single thing that was.  And missing every single thing that will never be.  It's about missing the things you never wanted.  Like a second child you weren't sure you even wanted, but now all you can feel is that fact that they will never know him.  He will have never meet them, and there will be a world where you child wont know their grandfather.
It's drowning in waves of loss throughout the day while keeping a straight face.  It's continuing the conversation, continuing my work without faltering, but drowning in waves of memories, and losses all at once.  Every day a struggle to try and remember that you have to keep going, you have to keep fighting.
But every day you go to call him, only to remember that never again will you call that number and hear his voice on the other line.  That number isn't the number you can call anymore for the good and the bad, and hear "What now" as an answer on the other line.  That number isn't in my phone anymore.  Adjusting my life to try and figure out if i will ever have a number in my phone that i can call for all of those things.
You don't know a loss that leaves your world destroyed.  When you have to adjust to a life where you feel as though you have to start over.  Start over as a human and learn to live in a world, where the only person who ever made you feel safe, loved, and completely worthwhile is now gone.  
So here i am.  Wondering if i am worthwhile.  If everything he ever said was true, or if they were just the word of a proud father.  At the end of the day i'm still here.  Struggling through a world where you aren't.  A place where you don't exist anymore except in a box in my living room.  And a world where i cry every day, trying to keep my head above water.
So, to whoever i wrote this for. That is what it is like to know grief.  That's part of what it is like to lose your person.  And even still, it doesn't even come close to the black hole it causes, the loss.  I hope you never know what that grief is.

We drown in the waves,
Of our despair.
A constant pull,
Into the darkness.

A constant fight,
To stay out of the dark undertown.
To keep my head above water.
Some days the pull is,
So strong I almost drown.
Other days,
I can float upon the surface of the waves.

But always my thoughts
Drift to you.
Always,
Only a word away from tears.
And my tears add,
To the bottomless ocean of grief,
Threatening to drown me.

I've thought about it,
A million times.
If I could trade places with you.
If I could be the one gone,
And you be the one here.
But
Then I remember that would mean
You'd have to suffer with the lose
Of me,
And I'd never do that to you.

And in the end,
Even after all the hurt.
I sit here,
Unable to walk away.

Like maybe,
I'm punishing myself.
Hurting myself on purpose,
In a new way.

I've created a new version.
Of self mutilation.
One where i use your inability to care,
As the blade against my skin.

An artist can create
A master piece.
And everyone will flock to their work.
Marvaling in the beauty.
And at the same time
They've walked by the
Subject of that artwork
For days, months, years.
Never noticing
Never seeing
The sheer beauty.
Because only in artwork
Everything is beautiful.

Once you become someone's muse
You will forever be
Beautiful and remembered.

Frozen wasteland
Of human remains
Where there once
Were dandelion kisses
And lovers in the grass.
Now there only
Lies ash.

It coats my throat
And fills my lungs.
A copper taste
Forever in my mouth.
Left questioning exactly
Where in my life
This anxious
Wasteland of recurrent
Depression was decided.

In the loss
In the grief.
Among the rubble.
Where I weep.

Tortured heart
Bleeding wounds.
Losing you,
Tore me apart.

I look for you,
In every corner of a room.
Hoping that maybe,
You'll be here too.

In my heart,
I know you're gone.
I write about you.
Alive forever in my art.

And you blink.
For a moment.
For a second
And everything can change.
In a moment
In the blink of an eye.
Every
Thing
Can
Change.
And we all must blink.

Wonderfully lost.
Blissfully broken,
Because you do not fear,
heartache
When there is no heart
To break.

~TMH