i tried numbing the pain,
i tried writing it on a paper,
i made it my strength

but how come i always felt weak?
i wanna become happier,
but all i receive is hell

yesterday, today, tomorrow
will i ever be happy?
will i hear the birds singing?
or will i even see broad daylight

sun light on my skin?
the little maps on my face
the trace of my arts in my arm
the lovely eyes of mine

will i ever learn to see a new world
or even see how beautiful i really am
inside,

i saw a morsel of the truth in our universe
today is such a tiring day, i thought
that when i get used to seeing everything
it will be easy, no, it was harder
the longer the time passes by

i’d love to see all the vibrant colors of the rainbow
but whenever i looked up, i just saw a morose sky
i’ve met anger, sadness, and pain all at once
i hoped to see happiness on this voyage of mine
so i laid back at the green grass
watching the flowers wither
and sun go down the ends of earth
i waited from different seasons
seeing how everything changed
from snow to water dripping on
the leaves of years old trees

as the daylight went down,
our dear moon went up unraveling
the true beauty of darkness with sparkling stars
the moon shines better at dim
but it looked sad somehow
in pain as she glows from above

i kept thinking why?
no one knows, will i ever know?
probably not.

and just like the moon
we, people
art of god
has a little secret
a pain
that no one can know
even it hurts
the most

why’d i stop celebrating?
or even blowing candles?
or hoping that people would say sweet words
on the day that i was born

it was too toxic for me
too much people smiling
when they only want to eat the food
in my feast
and leave without
saying a word

gifts too genuine and expensive
but do they make me happy?
no cause money
is false hope of happiness

i tried to smile
for everyone stay strong
but why did everyone changed
as my age differs a single digit

i miss the old parties were
i could only be laughing
full of joy
but now it is full of
lies, my laughs
that you hear
are very pretentious

i swear i was so confused
i couldn’t write a single bit of me
“who am i?” i asked
what is the purpose of me?
i struggled writing an essay about it
i can remember memories
our times, smiles and tears
but really what was i?

writing made me realise
i was too lost to remember
who i am
who was i
i could’ve sworn
that i knew the details
of your freckles
the alignment of your moles
the shade of your skin
your thick brows

but when you went away
i didn’t realise
that i wasn’t me when i’m with you
i’m a total stranger to myself
i am the only one struggling
with my identity

more than less
winter passed by in a blink
and everytime in my nightmares
you were there
i kept waking up missing you

you created me
you made myself
how i acted
or even how i talk

but i love you even more
even if it hurts.

i hope every door that closes on you another one opens,
another opportunity shows,
another chance,
something to hold on,
something better that won't ever close.
i hope the white walls and ceilings you see,
are as clean as your intentions,
those dirts are just imperfections,
that makes up you
you deserve everything you gave away,
you deserve a love that shines everyday, and shows rainbows after the rain.
you deserve the best.
you don't have to be like them,
you don't have to walk, talk or dress like them,
be your own person,
be the one who differs from everyone, that wants to be like any other person.
most girls, are smart and strong and beautiful,
so are you,
the only thing that makes you ugly is the fact that you don't want to embrace you difference.
you are beautiful,
maybe not in the looks but what's important is in the soul.

as i looked at the mirror
i asked who are you?
nothing replied
it’s just me
too different
i can’t remember
the times where i recognize myself
i put on too much
mask for everyone
i kept listening to the same old music
i opened a door in my mind
cameras are flashing
on my eyes
i didn’t find someone
i just found myself
alone in darkness
where i could feel
everyone is watching
expecting me to create fire
when i only breathe ice
i thought if i pretended
that i was not a fool
and get up to
their expectations
i would be happy
but i didn’t i just caused
the real me to be lost
in paradise of hell
where the crowd is the judge
and you’re a contestant,
but they didn’t know
fools eventually
change the
world

many times i check the windows and in the back of my mind
did i enter the correct tunnel why do i feel that this is wrong,
not because i've entered without even thinking about it,
but this emotion shaped as a man do not reach up to my love,
many times it tests my patience,
many times i see myself overthinking a lot of things

this guy gives me the most comfort yet,
he leaves me the longest the my mind wanders different planets,
different possibilities, different scenarios, different versions
and i cry, ball my eyes out,
i couldn't sleep nor eat,
this thoughts are a melancholic version of the past

and the question is,
do i really not deserve to be loved with the purest intentions?
last time i checked i was not a naive explorer anymore
but when it comes to people i love,
i lose all the time

i'm so tired of burning myself for your comfort,
i wish i was better than this,
more loveable than this

but i stay even when it's hard, or it's wrong, or we're making mistakes,
because love is a cruel curse struck upon by the cupid,
and equally rewarding to the right person

I fell into your black hole,
I fell into the beauty of your darkness,
I fell onto the cliff of your all mighty love,
but you didn't catch me,
no one did,
i picked myself up
all together,
with million years of standing up,
I became strong,
then you go back,
gave me signs of love,
and didn't even notice
I was holding on so tight,
I was a daydreamer,
a night thinker,
but you're a heartbreaker.

the way i smiled outside
is the opposite of how i cry inside
the pain left me hanging
i couldn’t take it anymore
the pressure they all gave me
the thoughts and misconceptions
the society fed me
kept being toxic
all my efforts
were nothing but trash
i seemed unnoticed
and silently i waited for someone
to hear how much myself peaked at
that metal mask that hides
my identity
i talked about my flaws
at the mirror
shouting how much
sorrow i’ve been through
seeing my bloodshot red eyes
kept me wondering
am i that pitiful?
i am that small thing
in the big perfectionist world
i couldn’t accept myself
so i torn it apart
and left every bits and pieces
of the real me
i kept using all these
makeups skincare pills
just to hide the past
but it wasn’t enough
the expectations were as high as the skies
and i was on earth
i put all my best
but it still wasn’t enough
the oceans in my eyes
shows how much i’ve suffered all throughout
the years of judgement in the pits of hell
i am sorry for being sad
been always sorry
will always be sorry
for being who i am.

is it bad that i like you?
when you’re with someone else
it’s a sin when you smile
i fell so much more every single day
oh i hope you’ll know
it hurts like hell
when i could only look at you
from afar
seeing your eyes glisten
my feelings are truly
colored red mixed with yours
then turned purple
and i was like this from the day
can’t i have a place in your heart?
but every time we look at each other
i feel there’s a connection
i feel that you know it too
the blank face
where your eyes only show
desire
but you can’t
cause you’re trapped
in a different heart
and it’s too much to take in
so i’ll blend
in the stars and
just be shining
at least you’ll
see me
every night
looking at me
mesmerizing the shine,
i like you so much
nothing could mend
the pain
inside
me.

I thought I found love,
I thought permanent happiness came,
it was all rainbows
and the bright sun,
not noticing the blue skies,
the gray clouds,
the madness of this world,
I saw beauty in darkness,
I saw wars on light,
firing guns and stabbing knives,
life is like airplanes with bad engines,
even with all your efforts to be a good pilot,
it will all come crashing down,
love was like falling into a never ending cliff,
always falling,
never landing into something too great
but our dreams.
Our "almost" will always haunt me,
our memories will always be my favorite moment,
the looks we share
and feelings will never be forgotten,
for it is a wound,
that healed but scarred,
and left a marking that in this moment,
I became yours,
and you became mine.
Today was good,
but tomorrow is unexpected,
you'll never know what will happen,
sometimes what you expected,
isn't really going to happen.
When you look at me,
I can’t breathe,
the world stops,
and everything becames slow motion,
but is it right to love someone,
who doesn’t even know you,
for years I’ve been waiting for you,
all I ask is for you to be a part of
my life,
because you my love is my light,
that burns the bridges of my all mighty trust,
and now our story ends,
I have lost you,
forever.

Love has this feeling i couldn’t understand,
is it the person or the feeling i like?
i don’t know, love is a confusing as a math problem
and i don’t know how to solve it
and it hurts, so bad that love isn’t worth it anymore
i’d love to give my absolute best to it
but i think my pride and ego are bigger
because i’ve loved the wrong person
and trust really isn’t valid to your heart,
i want to open my heart so badly, but
how do you open a heart whose been stitched up
because it’s been broken for couple of thousand times,
and i wish i wouldn’t wake up someday to this pain,
and all the bad dreams would go away
but it doesn’t, our memories still haunt me
everyday, even at night time past dawn,
how i’d wish i can give a chance to someone
who truly loves me and not you
who threw me off a cliff after i fought a war for our love,
you’re a coward for letting go a woman
who could do anything for you
love has taken me to dark places
that i don’t know
and if i can rewind time
i wouldn’t fall for you
because you
don’t catch
a damsel in distress
you threw off a
crown ready
to love you
because
you were
afraid
that
i wouldn’t
be there
so i was
the only
one who
swam
the seas after
all.

trapped in your delusions
sadness is it you
anger is it you
no, no—i’m anxiety says it
i’m your ego
the reality of truths
the pains of sorrows
the excruciating hell
is this how we part ways?
like the moon says goodbye to the sun
memories will be my joyful thoughts
i’m sorry i left
i’ll be back and fix everything
when i’m okay
though our eyes met
and i could’ve sworn there
was an electricity
the ocean rushing down your cheeks
the storms that clouds your mind
mi amore, tell me
you’ll be happy without me
be free like the bird you are
and maybe someday we’ll meet
and i could caress your lips again
connect the stars on your body
make you whole again
i love you forever.

the sky is blue
like me and you,
you were never mine
but i lost you,
she loved
the concept
of your little world
that she created chaos
in her shattered heart
and ethereal mind,
every moment with you shined,
it so happened that
time is faster than people
and we’re moving on,
you’ll forget me and
i’ll forget you
eventually.

i walked into your life,
and suddenly i was attached,
my love,
i had found you,
i have loved you
since i was in eighth grade.
roaring down every words,
on every nights i have cried,
it was sorrow i have met,
it was a chaotic journey
for both of us in this world,
full of unknown feelings,
denied emotions,
and dead souls,
looking from afar
i see beauty
at the end,
but how does
death conspire
and fell in love with life,
life asked,
"why does everyone hate death?"
death said,
"because you my love is a beauty in disguise,
while I was war in midst of destruction."

let's start with a simple hi,
and end with a ferocious goodbye
do you remember the first night we've said i love you
that's like my taste of first kiss,
never thought i'd give my love so easily
just to be broken in a bliss..

i kept telling these tales inside my head
that this is only a phase, a nightmare someday i'd wake up to
but it's been almost 2 years and it still feels
like a storm and mess inside of my heart
and all those places, i see your ghost
and past laughs and goofs,

i don't wanna move on from the realest thing i've ever had,
i want you to call me by my name and tell me it'll be okay
and hold my hand again even for the last time,

i've tried playing fire, destroyed my memories with you
chose recreate it with others, failed as a failure like me,
i wanna scream at you, but really i just want you back..

why'd we end up here, can you please tell me why?

you can’t just be a safe haven
to those with broken hearts and souls
you can’t just be.

I actually know how this was going to end,
the great war ended badly for the both of us,
and it's just me in despair again,
so i drove my wheels faster than light
the road became a curve and i was in parallels
t'was a mess, i'm in my next getaway car

i was in my highest in those moments
you threw me, i was at my lowest of lows
maybe it was pathetic of me to think you were different

i know i left you in the blue,
never thought the right thing would be so wrong
you were sunshine, and i was definitely midnight rain

I hate your wit and how childish you are,
where my days were filled by your nonsensical jokes,
where i would swore by your calls,
i hate how i could not live without it
i hate how f*cking tall you are
'cause someday i'll be finding myself in the same crowd as you
and you're the first thing that i will sight
i hate how i remember every detail of your voice, style, and face
i guess the rumors were all true
tall, dark, and beautiful
he flies away and saves someone else

hello dear stranger of ghost town,
with good hair and tanned-skin,
i honestly thought i wouldn't able to like someone else
but i liked how you showed me the different hues of halo
and you saw my thunders and storms
you made me feel as if my scars are beautiful
i'm forever thankful for those late nights
morning talks and lil fights
for being a happiness in a short time

for making me feel emotions again,
you saw me in different phases like the moon
i am imperfect, and unstable
i still have those times where i feel every emotions
and it hurts so bad
but when i talk to you, when i hear your voice
i feel safe, i am at home,
you were my daisy at a lost place
and i adored you from afar

i still don't know why'd this have to end in silence,
when all i want is you, in every sunsets in every angers i've had
i would've stayed, but you left
i think this is goodbye?
and now all i have is  numb heart and memories.

i kept a flower
for us
it reminds me
everyday as
it grows
my love for you
blooms like
that beautiful
plant

i hope the sun
would be more like the moon
like how it stands out
on the night
when the sun is tired
of us
i want the moon
because
the moon is a loyal companion
unlike the sun
that shines so bright
with blue sky
and white clouds,
but the moon
it looks beautiful
even with
a million stars
twinkling
beside it
but without the sun
the moon
would be lifeless
and as they say
you complete me,
like the moon
with the sun.

i create lightning
i burn through your pavements
and i reach for the crown
make me smile, make me laugh
make me angry and
i’ll tear you apart

shades of violence in my eyes
darkness it shows
my smile becomes lethal
and my words became fatal

trapped onto the lies
now it all comes by
kneel before your queen
or bleed upon your skin

i’ll be back before the dawn
and when solstice come
the world rise red

they forced me to change
now get ready for this rage
for I am a diamond, beautiful
and unbreakable

you were the most beautiful devil
that hell has sent me
darling you were the best
you were the ******* pain
that i’ll always want
that i’d rather be miserable
than lose you all over again
but now you are gone
and i’m just an angel lost in earth
don’t know where to find your smile
don’t know where to find your voice
your scent, your figure, your laughs
i don’t know where it is anymore
when i walk to the old places i feel cold
when i come back to our conversations
i feel warmth, i feel love
and all sorts of butterfly in my stomach
and if heart is a puzzle, i’d be incomplete
i’d be just a standing piece waiting for you
to complete the voids that you’ve patched up
from the sweet words
to the affectionate gestures
i’ll be honest missing you
is killing me, and letting you go made me die
everyday tears run down my cheeks
sunlights don’t shine anymore
rain hits me, and then
i was strucked by the lightning of sorrows
i kept coming closer to your fire
but where are you?
where the hell am i suppose to look?
should go back?
no one’s going to replace you,
the first pain of thy heart
the first of everything in fifteen,
you were not my regret
but you were my rotten daisy
forever remembered but thrown away in the ocean
but always remember that wherever you are
i always think about how happy we were
but it’s such a loss,
that our fate is parallel,
only strangers that met but never really cross.

i do not know what is more tragic
waiting for you
in this pouring rain
or knowing that
you will never
come

i used to think that you were an angel
until you proved that a murderer just thinks that love is greater than all
what a hypocrite he is
a walking mistake you are

but you were hell of a ride
with those brown eyes
and messy hair
you were the universe

too big, huge trouble right?
‘cuz i use to think we’re a match made in heaven
but we’re all sorts of complications
like how you reign me in your heart

is that even fair?
that i’m so in love and
you’re here playing the tables
calling off the bets

you know i was not a romantic
but you bring out the best bad in me
and sometimes
you give my hands something to write
and my eyes to cry

you were as bad and as good
and i know that’s chaos
trippling in the tip of my fingers

and i hope t’was the end of pain
but it was not
it was just a denial
to the hunger of love

you don't have to be the most beautiful girl,
to prove that you fit in,
you don't have to be conscious of your belly or your big *** arms,
you don't have to cut your hair for a reason that inlvoves him,
you don't have to have all the things in the world,
you don't need all that makeup for your acne or unperfect skin,
you don't have to shave your hairy arms and legs just because society thinks it's gross,
i think it's beautiful it shows us how much unique we are,
you don't have to hide your legs because you think it's big,
you don't have to be ashame about your stretch marks,
or your uneven skin tone,
you don't have to worry about what other thinks about you,
you are not pretty but you're are beautiful,
inside and out,
you are smart,
you are amazing,
brilliant,
wise,
gorgeous,
you are everything that you chose to be.
never let one thing ruin your life,
be the one who chose to walk on the path that he/she wants,
be the one who is incredibly different,
flaunt yourself,
it's your personalized flag that is limited edition and will never be stolen by any other creature in this world.

you are
the peace after wars
the calm after storms
and everything
insanely beautiful
that shapes after
a tragedy