I used to be
Radiating calmness
An anchor
A place to rest
A moment of peace

Now I'm more of a
Dark pit
Desperation and Sadness
Weak, indifferent, powerless
Oozing nothingnes
A void to swallow you all hole

Maybe I'm both

And she said
I sentence you
To life
To happiness and suffering

And he said
I'll grant you an end
When it's over
I'll lay you to rest

I have no purpose here

I'm not in control
Mesmerized
I watch

Hold captive
By shapes
Made out of a blank space
Brought to light

By pages slowly filling
with ink
bled by a pen
seemingly
led by my hand

Black ink
absorbing the light

Today
The world didn't want me
Up about
And walking in it

Now
All I can do
Is
Try to go back to sleep

And hope
For a better future
A kinder tomorrow

Here I am, again
Alone
Getting the universal feeling
Of not getting what I deserve
Shocking I know

Of not getting out what I put in
Getting back what I give
Aren't I silly?
Do I deserve?

I try to do everything right
When possible
And of course I fail
So do you I suppose?

Be kind, be supportive, be there
Help out where I can
Listen, give advice,
Try to remember the important stuff
All that's so fleeting to my mind

Check in with you,
"What are you doing today?"
Bring little gifts
Show you how much you matter

Show how much you mean to me
Through my actions and letters
"You've been on my mind"

Offer my shoulder, my ear, my hands, my thoughts

Make myself likeable,
Make myself calm, soft
No threat here, no anger
A safe space

Compromise for others
Often without being asked
Or thanked for
Appreciation is hard to come by

"Please don't forget about me
Please include me
Please don't leave me behind"

Sometimes I get bitter
Sometimes I feel empty and weak
And don't have much to offer
Seclude myself to safety
But I try don't I?

I don't see you doing it much
You apologize
You promised better

Yet you forgot my birthday again
Like last year

It's okay I do it too
No bother
I should have reminded you

Yet you didn't find time to visit me in the hospital
When I had to learn how to walk again
No promises for the future

It's okay,
I hid how bad it was
How could you have known
When I was only gone for half a year

Yet, if I don't write first
Then there is no conversation?

I have to announce to the world
Exactly what is wrong with me,
For you to listen

I have to show up
On your doorstep
In crutches
And wait for you to let me in
For you to see
Are you even there?

You know me,
You know my struggles and my compassion
You know my shadows and that
Often they're stronger than me
And dark thoughts take over

So why do you forget about me
So quickly?
Why don't you send a little love?
A litle goes a long way for me

To know I don't have to do it all alone
Like I used to be
To know there is someone
There for me too

A little warmth in my chest
Against the storm of my mind
A little light against the shadows creeping
A little company for the hohle in my tummy
Of fear and insecurity

But it's okay
I'm used to it right?
Gotta be more patient,
Gotta go on giving,
Go on
Be
Understanding,
Compromise, how to

Cause
My anger isn't justified
Right?

After
Nights like this
Hundreds of drinks later
Hundreds of people
Shallow like the thick air
You breathe in there

After
Total ups and downs
Oh what euphoria it is,
Riding out highs to the ground
Past the point of throwing up,
Throwing it all away

When the shakes stop
Your fists still hurting
From punching the door
On your way out
"I'm taking five"
A small number

A couple breaths
Curled up
Next to the toilet
Completly overwhelmed
In and out
Should I just go?

Dancing
Behind the stick
Pouring promises of a quick escape
No remorse's found here
No moderation cause
"Tonight we go big
Time to forget ourselves"
To let go of all reason

Melting bonds
Together with your people
We've gone through the fire trials
Together
We do it, again and again
Together

When you can't smell the smoke
Any longer
Hovering in the air
When you can't hear the music
Anymore
A "boom, boom, boom" to the background

When your sweat forms a salty smile
On your shirt
Your face, a pale grimace
Void of any emotion
At this point
Teeth clenched, throat sore
You don't matter anymore

It's us against them
Who will give in first?
Their thirst for more
Or my arms, my legs,
My patience?

They are a constant demand,
For more
Total ignorance,
In pure bliss pure preassure
Ego printed out on paper
Left on the table or thrown at you
On their way out
Pick it up when you clean this mess

When it's over for the night
You come to a stop
Silence
As the world wakes up
And comes alive again,
Slowly

The sun gently lights your face
On your way home
A bit of shelter
Warmth and quiet
A bit of peace

Finally excused,
You hurry home
A couple hours of rest and resignationt
The adrenaline wore off
Put a check behind yesterday
It's over and done

Four, five, six
Hours
A quick bite, sleep, repeat
Rest
The to do list of today
Already delivered to your pocket

Time's up
You blinked twice
You said you wouldn't do that anymore
Have to get going now, have to get back
Have to function again
Be there in five

Only then it is,
That you realize
You enjoy losing yourself
In the struggle
In this swirl ******* you in
Deeper and deeper

Time passes
Quicker and quicker
Just a little more
And I can give up
I can give in

And leave everything behind
Leave all reason
Leave all trouble
Awake but unconscious
Dead or alive
Night or day

Look,
How messed up you have become
For a nicle and a dime
Your life's gone grey, gone grim
Gone bitter

It's after nights like this
That you get the hint of a feeling
That you went wrong somewhere
Togehter with a clear feeling
Of deserving it
You deserve to end here

There must be
a special factory
somewhere in the world
hidden away
with care

It would shape the clouds
as they come in molds
all fluffy
in pink, orange, yellow and white

It sends them out
grazing the sky
like flocks of sheep
peacefully aloft

And then suddenly
all grey and dark
boasting big,
almost bursting open on the spot
carrying all that weight
crackling with lightning
so full of energy

But so patient,
holding on
waiting
trying so hard
till the right moment arrives

Last stop of the line
destination reached
time for a festive hosting
to let it all out
let it fall

Refresh the world
with new air
a change of pace
a quick break for us all

Rip open
with bursting thunder
you deserve it
let go now
little big cloud
you've been so bave

You carried it all
kept it in you
for how long I can only imagine
and how far you must have come
be proud

Surely
the wind alone
can not make up all these shapes
I see
when I lay down in the grass
looking up
you're here with me

Watch
look at the sky
watch 'em go by
never tyring from reinventing
it's ever changing
infinite forms

So
surely
there must be
hidden away somewhere
in this world

a little cloud factory