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Isabel Feb 2019
There is not time
No state of mind
That makes me love
you any less
Isabel Feb 2019
For today
The suns still rises
For today
The trees still grow
For today
The days still pass
For today
Your still you
And for today
Let that be enough
Isabel Jan 2019
You told me not to trust the Darkness
But you never told me why
Then all the sudden you were gone
And you left me there to lie
But the Darkness came to comfort me
It held me while I cried
It whispered secrets in my ear
And told me how you lied
The Darkness said you were once its friend
Much like it is now mine
But then you pushed it far away
A clear and simple sign
What you did it hurt the Darkness
You made it hide and cry
You almost made it wilt away
You almost made it die
But the Darkness said I could help
I could be the key
All I need is to **** you
And take your final plea
And now's the day I found you at last
And there is nothing you can do
You told me not to trust the Darkness
But now I don't trust you
Isabel Jan 2019
1) Tell your family you love them. For the way, they care to the way they share. For being there since you were born. For taking care of you when you were sick, and for showing up at things for you participated in. Thank them, hug them, love them and say you're sorry.

2) Tell your friends you love them. For the way they walk and the way they talk. For being there in the darkest of times. For understanding how you felt without speaking. For knowing when you needed them and when you didn’t. Thank them, hug them, love them and say they will be ok.

3) Tell the world you love it. For the joy, it brings to you and others. For the way, you can know so much about it yet so little. For the tears it brought and the smiles it sent. For sending so many people that have helped and made your life better. Thank it, feel it, love it and say thank you for trying.

4) Tell yourself you love you. For the way you care so much about everyone, you forget about yourself. For how you don’t give up and how you face the challenge. For trying so hard even though you knew you were going to lose. For letting yourself trust in those who cared about you. Thank yourself, look at yourself, love yourself if only for one last time.

5) Write this all down. Immortalize the words you gave to those you loved and for those who tried. Remind them it is not their fault. Make sure they know how much you care even when you are not there. Write to your family, friends and the world that you are sorry, but things will be fine. Thank them for trying and say your final goodbye.

6) Place it on your bedside table. Fold it up and put it plain sight. These are your final words to those you love and to those who love you. Make sure they will be able to read them when you are gone. Make sure that this is what you want to do.

7) Grab the small orange bottle. The one that you stare at as it sits in the medicine cabinet. The one that teases you to grab it until you finally do. The bottle of painkillers you keep an no one knows about. The one you have thought to be the solution to all your problems on the darkest of days. The one that will be your solution today.

8) Sit on your bed. Get comfortable and think back. Make sure you have told everyone what you needed. Think back on the happy and sad memories. Feel everything once more before you do something you can't come back from.

9) Open the bottle. Let the pills fall into your hand. Stair at them in silence going over every outcome that could happen after the fact. This is your final chance to back out. Have no doubt this is what you want. And have no doubt you have nothing left to say.

10) Swallow them all down. Lay your head down and close your eyes. Think about the happiest moments one last time. But, let the sad moments consume you and turn your whole world black.
Isabel Jan 2019
I normally stay quiet for I'm too afraid to speak.
I’m afraid I’ll say something that I regret.
I’m afraid I’ll say something that makes them hate me.
But sometimes I can’t help myself.
I try to fit in and speak my mind.
But I regret ever opening my mouth.
I think that what I said was wrong.
And I think they hate me for even existing.
I will mull over it for weeks wondering why.
Why did I think that I could talk?
Why did I think that I could fit in?
And then I can’t make the questions stop.
Why do they hang out with me?
Why do they pretend to like me?
Why can’t I be a better friend?
Why can’t you be someone people like?
And when my mind lets me forget I do it again.
I make the mistake of opening my mouth
Or something brings back the memory of my mistakes
The thoughts that my mistake made.
And the whole process repeats.
And the whole process never stops.
Isabel Jan 2019
I want you to know that I know that you tried
and I know that you now understand.
But there is something I have always wanted
and at the time I didn’t have the eyes to see
what it was. But I know that I need this now
and I need to do this before it’s too late.

And as I write this I can tell you it's late
at night, quiet and serene, and I have tried
to eat, to breathe, to sleep but I can’t, not now.
There is so much going on and I finally understand.
I tried so hard to feel what I needed to see.
But now I see it clearly, which is all I ever wanted.

This is something that I realized I wanted
so much that I would consider showing up late
to my own funeral. Which is ironic you now see
from my cold body. This will bring me the freedom I have tried
so hard to gain through experiencing and trying to understand
life to its fullest. And it is clear the time for this is now.

And you must think I am crazy to leave now.
My life is ahead of me. There is so much I wanted
to accomplish. But now that I understand
my demons, completely I cannot be late
for this. I have done so much and tried
so hard to even go back on what I can currently see.

And I know there is still a lot to see
but that is not my path anymore. Now
It is time to show the world how hard I tried
to fit in. And to show them how much I wanted
to be normal. But it is now way past too late
and I need everyone to understand.

And I know you probably don’t understand
why I’m doing this. You don’t see
that this is what I need. You think you are too late
to save me. But you need to comprehend this now.
I am gone and I know this is not what you wanted.
But this is what I needed, and I tried to live, I tried.

I have tried to make you understand why this happened
I wanted you to see how I truly felt
But now it is way to late for me,  just please don't blame yourself.
Isabel Jan 2019
No matter how hard you scrub
At the white linen sheets
Blood stains

Even if it's just a memory
Of a life once taken
Blood stains

Even though you didn’t
Mean for the crash
Blood stains

Even as you slice his throat
Ending a life
Blood stains

Even if it's just a drop
From once flawless skin
Blood stains

Even though you cry
From the pain of the cuts
Blood stains

As you sit there bleeding
No longer able to move
Blood stains

Now you lay there dead
The crimson pooling around
Blood stains
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