I wanted to drown in your love.
I wanted to drown in your pain.
I mostly just wanted to drown out the sound of you saying we weren't compatible anymore.

It took me a long time and a lot of rage and self loathing to get to where I am now.
To get me to a point where I can say that my self esteem issues didn't ruin "us" but that you're lack of trust in love did.

I wanted to be ignited by your love.
I wanted to be ignited by your pain.
Mostly I wanted to ignite the fire that used to burn inside you with such intensity and joy for life.

Once I realized you would never admit your faults and you would find any possible way to watch me suffer; it was time to move on.
But each time around the start of fall till the end of winter... I dream about you endlessly.

I wanted to slow down Your love.
I wanted to slow down your pain.
Mostly... I wanted to slow down time and stop us so we had time to figure out who we were together instead of damaging each other apart.

It took a lot of rage and self loathing.
It took a lot of tears and anxiety.
But I'm finally standing taller than ever and I can easily say it was not my self esteem that made us incompatible.

It's 2 am.
Babysitting and watching old Disney movies-- nostalgia.

It's 2 am.
I can't think of anything but How I Met Your Mother.-- nothing good happens after 2 am.

It's 2 am.
Sending flirty texts to boys I just want *** from-- unacceptable from a girl right society?

It's 2am.
Why am I awake?

I swallowed 36 pills today and just laid down ready to die.
You told me my sadness was beautiful... Like a flower drowning in the rain.

I laughed... Because all 36 pills were evenly counted out for the things that made me feel this way.

1. For the headaches, the nightmares and the lack of sleep.
2 for the memories of you kissing me.
3 for the heartache, the way I watched you walk off with her under your arm.
4 for the screaming, the fighting over my weight each day.
5 for the way my family just never understood the way I didn't wanna talk about my feelings.
6. For the long nights I cried myself to sleep for being so ugly no one would want me.
7. For the days I didn't think I would survive at work with a mental breakdown.
8. And last but not least, for the way I could never make myself stop worrying about everything. The way I couldn't figure out my future. The way i couldn't stop hating my entire existence.

36 pills hand counted and evenly distributed down the back of my throat.

Do you still think sadness is beautiful?

About 23 days ago I remembered why I hated December so much.
It was your touch..
It was your eyes.
It was your soft, condescending, beautiful voice.
It was you.
I woke up to snow in the front lawn and I saw dark grey clouds above; it was as if they knew.
Your birthday is in 5 days and every year I used to call you and tell you how much you meant to me but this year.... This year I won't be calling.
See you forgot my birthday.
You forgot how much you cares about me.
Frankly, you forgot about me.
About 23 days ago I remembered how hard this time of year gets for me but I think I'm going to be okay...
Because it's 5  days away from your birthday and I haven't cried.
It's 2 days away from Christmas and I'm still alive.
And it's 1 hour before I pass out and finally get a peaceful night of sleep knowing I'm going to be okay...

When it's not so sad anymore I will show pictures of us to my future children.
I keep them hidden in 7 different folders on my computer to try and hide them from myself so I don't get weak and want to look at the better days.

I deleted you from social media, I blocked you, but as we all know that's a temporary solution to the bigger problem.
I always find love for you even when I hate you deep down inside- hidden under 7 layers of skin and memories.

When it's not so sad anymore I almost wish we would run into each other on the streets.
Maybe it won't be so awkward, I'll have moved on and you'll have moved on but maybe there will be a small spark still there.

When it's not so sad anymore, I will eventually delete those pictures from my memory and my computer.
I will find a way to permanently erase your love one of these days... maybe 7 months from now, maybe 7 years from now... someday.

It will always be you at two in the afternoon when my wandering mind finds your face.

It will always be you in the moon in the middle of the night when I toss and turn waking to an empty side of the bed.

It will always be you when my heart stops beating and my words start repeating the things you used to say.

It will always be you that cold drink of water in the summer when it gets hotter and I want your ice cold charm.

It will always be you at two in the morning the memories of your obnoxious snoring and the way you played it cool.

It will always be you I hope and I pray you'll show up back at my door, where I'll kiss you and tell you to stay.

It will always be you... No matter how hard I try to forget and move on... You will always be there in the back of my mind.

It will always be you.

We drink to forget the day to day routine's we have locked ourselves into.
We drink to remember the better days but if we drink too much it just makes it worse.
We drink to get rid of the nerves and hope it makes us charming and funny.

He asked me out for drink; so we drank.
He was beautiful in a classy way.
I loved his hair and those bright eyes and the drinks made him funnier then he was but I liked how he tried.

He told me stories about Christmas when he was ten.
He told me about his scars and his weird quirks people don't tend to notice.

He asked me for drinks and so, I drank.
I didn't tell him about Christmas when I was ten because my Christmas was filled with anger and screaming from my mother.
I didn't tell him about my scars because they came from drunken nights and fights with myself.
I didn't tell him about my quirks because I didn't have to tell him, he just seemed to know.

He told me I was quiet, something no one has ever told me before.
I smiled shyly and ordered another drink.
He grabbed my hand at the bar and I thought, wow, this is nice.

I also thought... how sad that a simple gesture can make me so self conscience and so sad.
How holding a beautiful, nice, and funny mans hand makes me think I am unworthy of such love.

And, so, I drank.
To forget.
To remember.
To... try and not self sabotage the possibility of a love that could last.

I'm sorry, but,  I think I lost the set of rules that said I wasn't allowed to pick up the phone and call you when I felt like It.
I'm sorry, but, I think I lost the rule book that said I was only allowed to text you every two days or so.

We are in the new.
We are the modern dating - the **** dating- the "I like you right now but maybe not tomorrow" dating.
We are in the "I think I'm in love with you but don't actually know you" dating.

Maybe I'm a little pessimistic and sad and a little *******.
Maybe I'm just tired of my heart getting destroyed.
Maybe I just want someone to really get to know me instead of asking to see my ****.

I'm sorry, but, maybe you didn't get it when I said I wanted something real- no games, no playing around.
I'm sorry, but, maybe you didn't hear me when I said I want to get to know you or maybe you just ignored that part.

We are the new.
We are the Modern.
We are the ******* "Millennials"  everyone talks **** about.

The summer in Texas took everything it could from me -- my confidence, my soul, and all the sweat my body could produce.
But it also showed me happiness.
It showed me lake days and laughter, drinking in the sand with my best friend, and searching for alligators in a swamp.

It showed me that  sometimes you need to go to Louisiana and gamble until 3 am then drive three hours back home.
Reminiscing about your youth and making new inside jokes to talk about later.

The summer in Texas showed me good food and country music is something I didn't know I was missing from my life.
Showed me dancing on rooftops and art all over downtown Dallas and in Austin too.

This was a year I will never forget-- dreaming of new beginnings and spending a year with my best friend just being twenty something year old for the first time in our life.

A year spent remembering who we are and trying to grow instead of putting ourselves down.

There were nightmares about you and then there were dreams that made me cry with joy.
You had the most perfect smile.
You had the most perfect net to catch me in.

There were memories flooding my brain every night and then there was the moment I thought I could swim to the top of them only to drown.
You were making it hard to breathe.
You were making it hard to let you go.

I wanted so badly to run to the other side of the country and demand that you hashed things out with me.
I wanted to use a couple plays from your book of tricks but I knew that my plays would be flawed and we would lose the game.

My friends told me I was too angry to start discussing things right now.
My friends told me I was too impulsive and maybe they were right.

But, baby, love makes you do crazy things.
And, baby, I am crazy about you.

Clean endings never exist and I can't breathe when you're around.
I get stupid; I get dizzy.

You're like a bad taste in my mouth, I'm doing everything I can to clean you out.
You're every ****** word on the tip of my tongue.

Wounded birds have more fight left in them than I have standing in front of you today. I am a wimp in my own sense and fashion.

I can't think when you're around.
Do you understand the emotional breakdowns that go on inside my mind when you're around?

It feels like a blind person trying to read a book. Like a roller coaster flying off the tracks.

I love you more than I can explain in any sense. So much that I need to you get away from me before I end up insane.

I have tattoos all over my body but you can't see them all.
They are the words that everyone has ever used against me permanently embedded into my skin.
The judging stares and wandering eyes that make me want to cover my body and hide away.
If you could see them you wouldn't look at me the same ever again.

Heartless- Bold and Italicized across my chest.
Regret- Hidden behind the back of my neck
Fat- Underlined across my stomach
Desperate- Beautifully written between my thighs
Lonely, Pathetic- split between my wrists

The words you keep saying, the words you pretend you don't mean are covering me.
The hatred I feel towards myself can never be fully seen.
If I even opened myself up just little more for you too see you would look away with pity and shame.

Remember this the next time you tell me you regret having me.
Remember this the next time you tell me I am heartless or fat or ugly.
Remember this the next time you tell me my self esteem has ruined my relationships.

Because just beneath the surface lies the art that isn't shown to the world.

There wasn't much left to do but drink the night away; just me and this bottle of ***.

I seemed to have blurred the lines from being 18 and happy to 22 and ready to drink myself to death.

I am not sure how I got here, maybe years of hiding sadness, who knows really?

You said I was pretty -- in a not so average kind of way.
You said I shined-- but not as bright as the sun.

You said a lot of things I can't quite get out of my head.
You meant a lot of things... I can't quite pin which one meant the most.

But you are like coffee- bitter and somewhat sweet when I add a little sugar.
You are you... And I'm still learning to accept this.

I just stare down at white lines on blank pages and whisper the only words I have ever know: I love you.

We fell asleep under the blurry night sky with old light above us and new light down the road.

We made love under palm trees listening to each other breaths in sync with the soft breeze of the ocean near by.

With skin touching and bodies uniting we became one and as if cliches weren't enough I fell in love.

With your rough hands caressing mine. With those blue skies you call eyes. With lips so red like sweet cherries on my tongue.

We entered the summer with such romance; such passion for being so young and naive. You took me for the fool I was and left me in the winter for a far more interesting adventure.

And as I sit staring at this blank piece of paper I wanted to fill with words of anger I will write the only thing I have ever know to be true: I love you.

I raced to the bottle looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, but I found just liquid courage.
I can't remember the last time my pants fit the right way, always too big, sometimes too small.
They said I look different. My eyes a little more red, my hair a little less clean.
I raced to the edge of the hilltop looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, but found only suicidal memories.
I can't remember the last time I cried this hard. Always thinking about the past and how many mistakes I've made instead of how far I've come.
They said I act different. A little more sad, a little less happy.
I raced to the bottle looking for a familiar face, a familiar place, and found the emptiness I felt inside.

I wanted your bright green eyes.
I wanted them right when you woke up; when they were still foggy from last nights dreams.

I wanted them when you fell in love; not with me, but with your passions.

I wanted them when you were angry... When you stared at me hard and cold knowing I couldn't dare stare back.

I wanted them when you looked at yourself in the mirror, never seeing what I saw in you.

I wanted them mostly when you told me you loved me... Because they got sad and compassionate...

And I wanted them when you told me you always thought about me, but that it wasn't going to work out.

I wanted your bright green eyes.

There is something brilliant hidden under the words you say when you're mad.

When you say "I"... You say it was such conviction! Such passion is in that one letter making it know that YOU are serious.
When you say "don't" you start to lose that edge and I can hear you shaking under your breath... Not as convincing here.
When you say "love"... I hear pain. Nothing but sad, unnerving pain. I almost can't handle it.
When you say "you"... I can't tell if you are talking to me or yourself. You have at this point lost me on whether you're serious or not..
When you say "anymore"... This is when I have officially stopping believing anything you say. You've at this point started looking at your shoes as though they know the answer.

And when you say "I don't love you anymore"... Then I would have to assume you probably don't love me anymore.

Fractured pieces of a fairytale lie in front of me.
The broken boy meets the broken girl and they stitch up their pieces while substituting lust instead of love.

We watched the secret gardens bloom and the paths fill with overgrowth that was never tended too.

I love you finally felt underrated & i one this drowning feeling was the emotions I kept hidden for so long trying to surface too quickly.

I stopped believing in fairytales when I was the young age of seventeen. When I watched the prince take his arrows and shoot me in the heart over and over again.
When I realized all the my friends men were nothing but liars and cheats.

I stopped believing in romance at the young age of twenty two. When I gave that prince another chance and he dug the knife deeper in my back than anyone else has ever done. When I started to notice the Icy chill run through my spine in each new bed I would try.

Here I am the ripe age of twenty eight trying to solve the puzzle of lust and love at first site and wondering if there is such thing. Wondering if maybe there is a chance for salvation and happiness somewhere down the overgrown path we haven’t taken.

That maybe, just maybe, that broken boy and that broken girl can hold hands and walk the wild path together.
That maybe, just maybe, we can wander the secret gardens and plant our own seeds of beauty.

But, then again, aren’t we just two lost souls desperately trying to find ourselves in the end?

Can I just take a minute to vent?

It's not often I think about you these days or the way your eyes drew me in every time. I don't like to think how your birthday is in 2 months and I'm going to pretend i forgot.

It's not often I think about the way you used to kiss every part of my body playfully. I don't like to think about the way your fingers felt in my hair.

Can I just take a minute to vent?

It was one of those days where I thought about how much fun and how many experiences we could have had. The day where I wondered if you're smiling at some cute girl the way you used to smile at me.

It was one of those days where I realized you didn't smile with me the same way I smiled when I was with you. That my thoughts were always more expansive and wider than yours when it came to us.

Can I just take a minute to vent?

It's not often I think about you these days... But something in the weather has me missing the Carolina's and wondering how you sleep at night.

Something has me wondering if you ever stay up a little later than usual and think about what could have happened if you had stopped wondering about the "what ifs..."

But don't worry... I just needed to vent for a minute.

Alright, I'll admit it, I was wrong and you were right.
We were sitting there pulling at the knots that were much too tight.
Alright, I'll admit it, you were right.
I was trying to find darkness when there was only light.

So, yeah, maybe I was wrong.
But we knew this would fall apart all along.
So, yeah, maybe I was wrong.
But you always knew I was never that strong.

Okay, you caught me in the lie.
I was sitting with him while you were at home begging to try.
Okay, you caught me in the lie.
I was telling him I loved him while you tried not to cry.

Yes, I know, Sorry won't cut it this time.
Because I'm over here trying to apologize in a rhyme.
Yes, I know, Sorry won't cut it this time..
This mountain was just too big for me to climb.

Alright, I'll admit it, maybe I was wrong and you were right...
So... yeah... maybe I was wrong...
And ... okay you caught me in the lie.
but yes, I know, Sorry wont cut it this time...

It was warm when I arrived in that big city- a suitcase and my purse are the only legacies I had left to my name.
I could start over here.
I could be someone new here.

My driver was a nice man from Delaware- he told me that the city was old and that I was brave for traveling so far alone.
He was a kind man.
He told me the weather was going to change soon.
He knew nothing about me... I don't think I knew anything about me.

We got to this broke down apartment over in West Philadelphia.
I remember thinking... this can't be the right address.
But it was and that was just the beginning to my endless self struggle.
I thought I could start over here.

The weather changed fast- overnight it was freezing and I was struggling to find warm enough clothes.
I remember thinking... how the **** can anyone live here?
I remember thinking ... how the **** am I going to make it here?

I learned a lot about myself that month I spent in the city.
I learned how to take a subway, how to take a bus, who to talk too and who to avoid.
I learned I can survive being alone.
I also learned.... you can't run from yourself.

You can't change as quickly as the weather.

I want to be your sunset eyes, those blue skies, you're perfect starry night.
I want to be the shore kissed by the sea, I want to have everything causally, I want you and me.
I want to be the waves when they dance alone, the midnight tone, I want to be your back bone.
I want to be your perfect scent, your missed rent, those days you feel you need to repent.
I want you to listen to these cheesy rhymes, feeding me these sweet lines, be together all the time.
I want to be your dark brown hair, the place back when we didn't care, the memories only we share.

I want you in all the ways I can say.
I'll want you forever and always each and every day.

You're a cold walk in December when it's snowing and I forgot my coat.
When I'm shaking and shivering running into Walgreens because their heater is on.

You're a brisk wind and a fast paced argument that happens on a Sunday afternoon in church.
You cursed in front of your god for me not believing your beliefs.

You're a Saturday afternoon breakfast because I woke up to late and hungover.
When the food got cold because I couldn't find the asprin and broke down in tears on my kitchen floor.

See you're the reason I fell in love and the reason I drink to much of the hard stuff instead of tea.
But you don't understand that yet, which is why you still watch cartoons Saturday morning, and I cry alone in bed.

You're a cold walk in  December  when it's snowing....

Cigarette ash on the dashboard on the way to confession-- I fell in love with a stranger down the street.

I never go to church, never been one to admit to god I was wrong or he was right.  I wouldn't say I'm much of a believer in the unknown.

I never say my prayers. Figured if the moment was right maybe something would finally work in my favor.

He walked by in tight red pants and a black button up shirt. Sunglasses on and slicked back hair.

And I swear in that moment... I headed to church to say my prayers and confess that I think the stranger was the love of my life.

Cigarette ash on the dashboard on the way to confession-- I fell in love with the stranger down the street.

I am cursing the rain in bright black and grey ink in beautiful cursive writing. I know you're questioning how black and grey can be bright but If you don't know, you'll never know.

I am painting sunsets on canvas but with pastels instead of neons. It's almost a bit too sad instead of a bit to happy; so fitting for a sun that's disappearing, right ?

I am swallowing pills mixing them with liquor, testing out theories to see if I can find the right way to write. All I see is blurry candle light and a dragon on my wall telling me my writing *****.

And it's sad to think how pessimistic this poem started but how within a 15 minute drive home I've come to see....

That all the rain cleared up the night sky and out came those glimmering ***** of fire we call stars. I've caught myself staring but I always have different emotions with each glance.

Tonight..I guess the world isn't so sad after all.

I like the curves of your shoulders and the strength in your spine.
I like the softness in your lips but the roughness in your hands.
I like the sparkle in your eyes and the sarcasm in your smile.

I like the pieces of you that you hide away under layers of thick skin.
The sadness you try to hide when you bite your lip and look left.
The laughter you feel when you shake your head and glance down.
The irritations you know when you roll your eyes up and to the right.

I like those things more than you'll ever know. But the things I love about you could never be explained in poetry.

I loved him carefully; from afar I liked to watch him grow into the man I knew today.
I loved him carefully; I watched his moods making sure the outrage stayed as far away from me as I could.
I loved him easily... It wasn't hard when his green eyes watched your every move and his lips held pretty words that danced through my ears.

But he loved me recklessly; he came at me with full speed ahead on marriage and lack of trust.
He loved me dangerously; so much that became afraid to love me at all for fear I would be his all.

I loved him carefully and it was too easy to fall apart when he walked away.
He loved me recklessly and it had become to dangerous for him to keep me around.

You are the fire escape on the side of our apartments - climbing up and down, hair blowing in the breeze-
You are the burnt edge of this film I keep staring at hoping to find you in this room instead of this photograph-
Dark alley ways are for the bad girls you told me once-
Dark alley ways are all we have left of that night-

your lips dancing across mine, your hand in my hair, the blurred self portrait we took lying naked in bed-
intertwined, mixing skin with sheets, mixing sweat with saliva ; kiss me like you mean it boy-
Dark and devilish thoughts are what keep girls like me awake at night you told me once-
Dark thoughts are the only sensual thoughts I have left of you-


You are the hurricane that's forming in the gulf; waiting to destroy what's left of the coast-
You are the fire burning the rest of our photos except this one i hold in my hands-
Dark rooms are for the insecure lovers you told me once-
Dark rooms are what I have left of the secrets you left behind-

Black and white film, colored dreams, and memories clashing with reality-
Dark thoughts about dark alleys and dark rooms are what you left me with-

See here's the thing is this new guy is trying to tell me I'm  beautiful and I'm pretty and everything and more.

See he told me I'm interesting and he doesn't wanna **** things up and yet I'm over here like... "Cool thanks..."

And I think the thing is... I'm bored.
I keep dreaming about you and me and how we had this wild adventure planned for our wild adventurous lives...

I keep thinking about the way your eyes looked when they looked at me and how different he looks at me.

See the thing is I know you're not coming back because I've given you too many chances and you ******* them up time and time again.,

See the thing is I want to give him a chance but I am afraid he is going to bore me to tears because he's gone and done nothing in his 30 something years of life.

And the thing is... I want to feel love again.
I want to know it when I know it and I don't think this guy... Is the one...

No he's most definitely not the one... Does this make me a bad person?