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Mar 2020 · 637
Brandon Chutuk Mar 2020
From the rubble of a sound mind
Comes calling the sound of songbirds
Drifting over inhuman air
Like a chorus, like reminders

So everybody stands and listens
One note and then the next
A symphony or a drama --
A comedy, perhaps?

Nevertheless a calm wind persists
Through waves of somber doubt
These birds persist in singing
In flutters and in toe

We look up to find their callers
And see empty trees around
No bird nor instrument
No motive, and not a sound

Is it winter or is it spring
Are the songbirds now listening?
Joined together in silent prayer
Like wardens of our cells

The writer keeps on writing
And the reader carries on as well
The singing takes over
It staggers then it swells

A crescendo of pitch and harmony
Only when non-observed
The writer finds his solace
Alone, in writing of his birds
Sometimes it's hard to hear the birds, when I'm so caught up inside my own head.
Nov 2019 · 380
Civil War
Brandon Chutuk Nov 2019
I hate that I hate you this much
My heart tells me awful things sometimes
And I know that it does it
I know that you're not all bad

Do you ever get that little feeling
When you think of an old memory
And it hurts you in a healthy way
And it burns you a little less this time

I showed up and I brought us dinner
Because I thought you'd be hungry
But you were empty in another way
And soon I would be too

But I am full of love, and I want to share it
I know I am, and I know I can
It'd be so easy to say that I hate you
But I want to be softer than that
Nov 2019 · 397
Another Day
Brandon Chutuk Nov 2019
With weight of lead
And sound of thunder snap
Words and meanings land
As whispers from days of past

What was here is gone for now
Like autumn leaves frozen
Reverberations through memory
Fast gone, those slow sins

And so I wake another day
Powerless and potential-full
Yearning, convulsing, sputtering
For what will please my eternal soul
Nov 2019 · 291
Brandon Chutuk Nov 2019
I emulate those I look up to
But I couldn't be them if I tried
To live is the greatest blessing
And the saddest truth is that we still die

A little more time, just give me a better space
I have so much to live up to
Yet I'm still here in the same **** place

Trying to make sense of the feelings that I get
Like nostalgia for those that hurt me
How I am better than all this
All the people I could be
If I could only bring myself to try

Sitting, writing in self pity to keep myself sane
And I don't know whether to be hopeful or not
That there's a god out there, laughing at my pain
Aug 2019 · 540
Brandon Chutuk Aug 2019
I could say when it started; I could feign confidence in this place, in the hour. The truth is, I could sail on the rolling tides of time and I'd still yet never move in a straight line. That's how it's always been - like a clock that lags a split second longer on even numbers, and pauses to scrutinize the odd. Like standing in a crowd, waving to a friend you don't remember meeting. Reading words that make no sense to anyone but their writer, or knowing those words are your own; my own. Words where meaning has been lost, a dying light I never got the chance to experience. One day, I will experience it.
Aug 2019 · 537
Glacial Pace
Brandon Chutuk Aug 2019
And to speak of glacial pace; a moment to rest, but unsparing to change.
I have yet to leave, so I'll stay.
Apr 2019 · 389
Under Deathless Arms
Brandon Chutuk Apr 2019
Deathless, she roars
"Undo this fire"
And so shall it be undone
Quenched, like thirst
For the rich
And for the bold
A wave's crest falling
Unfolding natural contrasts

Deathless, she was
Until deathless she was not
Apr 2019 · 824
Brandon Chutuk Apr 2019
I framed my soul in wire
Gnarled as I am
With sharpened points and
Barbs all around

So don't approach me
Or I'll love you
And you'll feel every needle
Puncture through you too

And I don't think it's worth it
Or maybe it is
Because I've felt that pain
So many times myself

So what's my purpose?
What's my journey here?
My soul is framed in wire
Am I'm punishing myself?

Will you tell me the truth?
What will I tell my soul?
For I know it's all wrong
And acceptance is valuable
Apr 2019 · 505
Nothing But Endings
Brandon Chutuk Apr 2019
I am woodrot on the tree of life, and flames where new growth attempts its bloom.

I am the thunder warning of lightning upon the deaf.

I am ink.

I am starvation of the mind, of the heart.

I am a bone to the wolves and coyotes, I am a blanket of dew.

I am coldness and I am ember, dark but only until the touch. A kiss, a blessing, an ending.

I am death, and I am nothing.
Mar 2019 · 282
Brandon Chutuk Mar 2019
As if looking direct upon gilded summer rays, she blinded my every sense. For after one glance upon her blue-grey eyes, the world became ephemeral, and every breath felt ethereal.  It was as if history melted away, and every book, every photo ever taken, told a story of whatever led to this moment. Chaos. Fate. Anxiety and courage. I don't know. But just as soon, time showed its transcurrent ways, and she had left. Minutes passed, hours passed, eons aged every pore, but I had just arrived. I gazed upon heaven and got lost in the garden of eden, and now, falling back to my seat, I watched every memory I never had walk, just feet away. She is gone now, and as dreams pass in sleep, sometimes too, do dreams pass in wake. I sit frozen.
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
Every moment I hold where
My core, my heart is in agony
I realize how young I am
How much there is to learn
To cope, to weather storms
To spark fires and chase
New growth with new soil
Every paper cut is a stitch
And we're never old until
Tomorrow comes
Feb 2019 · 1.4k
Emerald Opportunity
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I met a girl in the city once who
Was the emerald of Seattle
She loved the arts
And the passion of the
Common man -
It was inspiring
Told me
The countryside is all wrong
And I believed her

We'd walk
The sidewalks between
Coffee shops and bakeries
Vacancy and marketing
The line
Businessmen and the homeless
All these people
Like mantises feeding on
Each other's heads and hands
All this opportunity

Then she was swept away
At the light of the
Next city crowd we passed
So I went home again

I met another
From my city who
Told me
That art is all wrong
And that dried all the
From my heart
But I believed her

So I followed her along
To find out what
Art meant
And it was
Sleeping in
Gluttonous love
That was never
Satisfied by just one man
But I think
Was scared of
Committing to
The opportunity
Feb 2019 · 559
My Birthday Is On Friday
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
Mentally speaking
Every year
I feel
A little older
And a lot
More free
But I hope to feel that way every day
So birthdays don't mean much to me
Feb 2019 · 402
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I need a scoreboard outside my window
To get up in the morning
I want to sit up and see where I'm at
Because the devil knows I'm not in last place
Not anymore, at least
And god knows I know others worse
Those ******* who burnt me out
I know they're down below me
Or I hope they are at least
And heaven would be to watch
From grand stadium balconies
Upon death, from above
As these people everywhere live chaos
And judge
And get judged
And we judge their judgements
And give them a score
And put it in the sky for all to see
Or at least for me to see
To know I'm not in last place
God, I hope I'm not in last place
Feb 2019 · 299
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
It's a celebration of life
Every day

From the lady that held
The door open at Starbucks

To the guy that burnt
That department store down up North

It's a journey and a half
From where I am to where they're at

So celebrate, you beautiful idiots
You lovely monsters, celebrate

It's a match between you and
The rest of the whole **** world

I know I'll be celebrating out here
So pour me another one!
Feb 2019 · 651
On Happiness
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
There are three constants in life
And happiness lies in their acceptance

The first is time,
Which has existed longer than us, and will outlive all of our problems

The second is ourself,
The only one you can truly know

And the third is death,
Which is something I haven't quite gotten figured out just yet
Feb 2019 · 304
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
Life's a zoo, you know?

This one's an engineer
This one's an architect
This one's an addict
This one's a preacher
This one's a lover
This one's a teacher
This one's a crier
This one's dead
This one's a scientist
This one's a mathematician
This one's in a bad place
This one's a helper
This one helped too much
This one's lying
This one's working
This one's watching
This one can't move
This one is sick
This one is singing
This one's a dreamer
This one's a doer
This one just gave up
This one took that one's place
This one's building walls
This one's building infrastructure
This one's lonely
This one's destructive
This one's blind
This one's deaf
This one's fine

And this one is writing
Feb 2019 · 265
My Old Friend
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
She was a bridge
Built of her own design
No water could stymie us

But soon people came
To use her as a diving board
And she was much too fragile
To handle that burden

So she crumbled away
Feb 2019 · 381
Valentine's Day
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019

Cupid can go **** himself
Doesn't he know that arrows are for killing?
Does he even have a hunting license?

What was he thinking
When he shot
This hole
In my heart?

Was he trying to make me bleed out?
Feb 2019 · 177
I Don't Own a Gun
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I don't own a gun because
Too many of my friends
Would take a bullet for me

And when I fall in love
I fall like the bomb of Nagasaki
Where everyone gets the flak

So, whoever is out there, answer me:
Is the enemy of this war myself?
Feb 2019 · 276
so it goes
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
and so it goes
another morning in bed
and another night looking in the mirror
wondering if
i'm a start or an end
if love is one big game
and i was never told
how to play
just sold the pieces
and scolded
for not putting it together myself
but maybe
this beer will tell me
how to build
a heart
from the pieces i was handed
and this **** cycle
will break
and i'll go to a place
where love is not of lust
and trust is a fact
and not a prelude
where i'm not
spending my nights
and writing
of dead ends
and dead dreams
that still cling to me
and really
in the grand end
i just want to be loved
Feb 2019 · 1.3k
An Analogy For Life
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
To work to death
Or to work for death
Or to cheat her into submission
It's all a verbose analogy I make
Out of fear for death herself

And I've seen some who chase her
Like a calf to a cow
And spend their whole lives running
To or from, it doesn't matter which
I've seen it happen with my own eyes
And they're still scared regardless

For death is to life
As love is to the heart
And the sun is to the sky
She's fleeting, but inevitable
And we're obligated to do something
For or about, it doesn't matter which

So some work to death
And some work for death
And I try to cheat her into submission
Yet she still lives in me
In verbose analogies I make
Out of fear for her inevitability
Life and death are twin siblings
Feb 2019 · 836
I Feel
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I feel
For I am a Piscean artist
With statues
Built from marble sentiment

I feel
As I search for love
Holding hands
With ever-bitter longing

I feel
For I am drowned in depth
Where winds rattle
My heart and the house she lives in

I feel
For I am human
With a fire kindled emotion
And there is nothing deeper
Feb 2019 · 171
I Miss You
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I'm over you
But I'm not
I pass benches
We used to sit
And drink coffee
I brought between
Your classes
And this is painful
To write
But every time
I see those benches
My heart tears
All its sutures
And I die
A little more
So I wait
Until I start
To think that
I'm over you
But I'm not
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
My heart is torn
Between logic and beating
So I start overthinking
When I start overfeeling
Feb 2019 · 2.6k
Another Windy Day
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
The wind is gusting
And shingles are flying about
It's like
Nature is describing my composure
And she speaks of it with such flourish
Feb 2019 · 1.7k
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
To crave the intangible
Like it's light and I'm a plant
Or like it's water and I'm a fish

If I was a fish I wouldn't need attention
I could swim, yeah, I could breathe
Maybe even suffocate in a fisherman's net

To crave the intangible
Like it's needed to live
A new class, up there with
Food and water
But why?

I used to think I feared abandonment
I probably still do, actually
But this is different
Maybe it's replacing my self image
To know I'm desired by others

But I dream I could be that fish instead
Feb 2019 · 403
Good Morning
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I just woke up
It was supposed to snow today
But it didn't
I hear a baby crying
In the upstairs apartment
And although it's almost noon
I haven't left this bed yet
There's really nothing profound
About this morning
But I guess there's really nothing
Profound about any morning
Until we find a meaning
In the mundanity
Or put it there ourselves
So I think
I'll try to do that,
Good morning
Feb 2019 · 1.3k
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
My child, you are a survivor
You're so full of depth
And feeling
That no soul could ever know
And you live...
You live and that's powerful
God ****** I hope you can see that
One day
Because you inspire me
Every day, you inspire me
Every smile, every frown
And every breakdown you fight
Is everything to me
For you are a survivor
And you will go far
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I hate that sometimes I am so scared
Of burning out
That I scream to the heavens
To have you back
To have you set me on fire again
The way you used to

And it's because
You gave me a reason
To feel this way
To feel this raw and cold
And without you here
It's just a meaningless pain
On top of
Meaningless pain

But deep down
I know you're cruel
I know you're wicked
And I'm better off
Plastering these walls
With bricks
Built of time
Between us

But god, I'd throw it all away
In an instant
To feel that beautiful anguish
You put me through
One more time
Feb 2019 · 667
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
It's strange how every stranger
Has no face until you meet
No eyes to see with
No mouth to speak through
No height
No weight
And it's stranger still how
Sometimes I'm a stranger to myself
Feb 2019 · 1.6k
The Earth Is a Slut
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
i think
the earth is
in a
love affair
with herself
the sands of every beach
**** her deep oceans
as everybody
and the fish swim in it
and castles are built of it
the sun shines on it
the earth moans
while everyone is standing there
Feb 2019 · 168
Two Faced
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I fall in love with minds
But fall in lust with bodies
And those are
My two faces
I admire myself in complex light
But hate myself in two shaded contrast
Feb 2019 · 452
My Favorite
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
You were always my favorite
The one who hurt
The one who listened
And I speak in the past tense
Because that's
The only self I know
Feb 2019 · 394
To My Ex-Lovers
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
There's this moment
Between breathes
Between heartbeats
Where we might as well be dead
But that thumping
God, that tremendous thumping
It brings us back
Like thunder
Like horse hooves over soil
Trodden to death
Until it's hard as stone
And I want to be as well
You know
Hard as stone
In constitution
And life
And promise
So I try
And I try
And **** it all if I don't succeed
But I'll try
And hope
I hope you all do as well
Feb 2019 · 506
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
And I have to confess
I write about love a lot
Because it's
My favorite way to die

And I'll tell you
When the fires of Hades
Shine bright
Behind blue-grey eyes
Or opal and brown
Or whichever **** color
My heart craves
In this moment
It'll be the death of me

And I warn you
It'll be worth every second
Feb 2019 · 514
You're Strong
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
You're a flower in the night
Where darkness persists
You're waiting there
For your chance to bloom

And god, it'll be so beautiful
If you're reading this, I love you. The views and reactions I get to my poetry on here help me so much more than any of you could know. We're strangers on the other side of our screens, but in poetry, we're friends and family.
Feb 2019 · 238
Pessimistic Symmetry
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
In a chaotic world
We always seek

In romance
We want our other half

In ***
We want our perfect partner

In business
We want our perfect employees

In family
We want our perfect siblings

But that's not how
This cruel world
Feb 2019 · 1.5k
As I Grow Older
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I had a voice as a kid
And as quiet as it was
I was so much louder then
Feb 2019 · 476
A One Line Autobiography
Feb 2019 · 3.7k
On Selfish Suicide
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
Think of a fish with no water to breathe
That's the state of my heart
Where love is oxygen

Now think of a man who's tired
Of the cycles his emotions live in,
Nomadic from happy to sad and over again
That's the state of my well-being

Now think of all the pills
And capsules and liquids
And tablets and vials
In your medicine cabinet right now
A feast to hungry eyes

And I'm here, with all this desire
To live, and the desire lives in my optimism
Will the next cycle break, as the big bang
To start life again from the top?
Am I patient enough for that?

So I write
To distract from these unhealthy thoughts
At least long enough to
Realize they're unhealthy
Feb 2019 · 768
My Heart Is In Needles
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
And I gave her my heart
My soul
That selfish
Excuse for a woman

She was sick
From cover
To ******
And I only knew it
Too late

But I'm self destructive
And sitting here, wanting
To share my victories with her

Maybe it'd **** her
While killing me too

For the sake of

That god awful woman
Deserving of nothing
But burning coals

I wish she'd burn me down
Feb 2019 · 785
What's In a Word
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
What's in a word but meaning
I mean
How many promises
Have I made
To be broken
How many questions
Have children asked
For curiosity
And here I am
Putting those
Children at war
Where the bullets
Are words
And the enemy
Is ambition
It's self torture
A mutilation of
Peace of mind
And unforgiving
So I ask
What's in a word but meaning
Feb 2019 · 202
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
Is this... It?
In this carnage?
In this chaotic world?
Is this it?
Feb 2019 · 1.5k
Impossible Beauty
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I've never met a beauty that was
Without the pain it inevitably brings
Never a gift without tribulation
And even nature gives thorns to its roses

It's a law that everybody and everything obeys

But who are we
To not question this natural authority
To not seek answers in the first person
To just lay back in all this sickly comfort
And turn a blind eye on impossibility

It's a ******* waste, if you ask me!

And yet I am the optimistic hypocrite
Stuck in the same trenches he's dug
Pacing, pacing, pacing his daily rituals
In stagnant comfort, without impossibility
Running from death, and never fighting it

So be that soft beauty, please

Somebody has to and it can't be me
Feb 2019 · 260
Love Isn't Polite
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
Love isn't polite
And love isn't happy
It isn't sunshine
It isn't flowers in bloom
It's not even human
Love isn't fair
And it isn't a mind at peace
Or your favorite pet
Or in the books you read
Love isn't alive
Love's not even dead

But don't listen to me
I've never even had it
Feb 2019 · 179
Morning Indifference
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I've never felt so tired
As I do today
Like my eyes are
A showpiece
At a carnival where
The ringmaster, in all his glory
Prods the elephants to roar
And my eyes are the elephants

And frankly
I've been worse
And more tired
On other days

But days are experiences
And experiences are change
And change is difference
And difference is hell

So today
I'm so tired
I could sleep into death
And bless my afterlife with
Morning indifference

While the imps and others
Laugh at their own kind
And dance around and sing
Their songs
Until I wake up
And do it over again
Feb 2019 · 679
A Rant On Lust
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
I could **** these feelings out
But my last lover ruined that
For me

And I can't even blame her

But I don't want to be like her
Because I did enough of that
Already, for both of us

And isn't it ******,
My friends,
How heartbreak
Can do that to a person?

And where's the drive now, huh?
Why's the release locked up
A ****** vault door?

And now the winds howl
And the rain pours
And the house creaks
And the blinds are shut

Oh what a day, a lovely day
Feb 2019 · 1.2k
When I See Her
Brandon Chutuk Feb 2019
When I see her and
How her body moves
I see embers cast
From shooting stars
I see the earth split
With new landforms
I see optimism
In the moment

When I see her body arch
And hear her so softly
I feel ecstasy
I'm in harmony
I feel weightless
In the open ocean
I feel her hand
Squeezing my own
And it brings me back
To the present

And I see her face again
With loving expression
And I'm free
If only for tonight
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