he breaths through corrupted lungs
every thought in his mind a constant war with one ultimate goal
complete eradication of all sense of joy.
the heat of the smoke down his throat is the sage burning away the darkening thoughts, creating a rapture in his fragile mind
but when the haze clears, and he wakes again
his head an open battlefield, war ravaged thoughts with no survivors
one last look towards the future which is nothing but a bleak existence he has no desire to be a part of
with 5 in the chamber to his head, his constant struggle looking to end with this reverse game of Russian roulette
pulling the trigger
with a sigh he breaths out, wondering where it all went wrong, and squeezes again.
her voice is like a subtle call, always bringing him back to the edge
no matter how far he stretches, it will never be enough
the memories of her breath on his neck
her hands pressed against his chest
her body entwined with his full of nothing but passion and love
he recedes, trying to hide from the lure she controls
her small messages, silent calls, and the vivid memories all coming together sinking him back to square one
the moment he starts to forget
the moment he starts to move on
is the moment she strikes again
physically, mentally, or in his own head
it all ends the same
he sees her in his newest admiration
compares the new to the perfect version of her that he painted in his heart
sets the standard far above what is humanly achievable
nobody other than aphrodite herself could ever hope to reach
and so when the memories flood
and her call beckons him to loneliness
he can't resist, putting the finishing touches on the mural in his mind
her small hands entwined with his
her breath as she lays beside him
her lips pressed to his
all memories, but a reality in his mind
and as they become all he can imagine
he realizes his mistake moments too late
that he's right back where he started
the mental prison, unable to move on
and above his cell, her name in bold letters carved into the walls
the walls that can never break
stretching across his heart
preventing any from entering, or escaping
and that's just what she wants
and he always made it clear
that whatever she wanted
in the end all he had was himself,
even that's not true
what he didn't know was that in loving her he would lose himself,
no longer able to put the pieces together of the puzzle inside of him
looking at the mirror, it's unrecognizable
just the reflection of a stranger staring back with hollow eyes.
he sees her living happily, a new boy, and with all the pain inside he still wishes nothing but the best
but he knows she will have to keep those memories
just as he does, vividly running through his mind like a movie stuck on replay
now he sees her in everyone he looks at
compares the next girl to what was his life.
ripping him apart, nobody could ever compare
the guard on his heart now an unbreakable shell, blocking anyone from entering or escaping
still painting the perfect image of her inside of him.
just another unattainable standard for the next to fail to reach
and in the end
he is left with nothing,
just those hollow eyes.
that unbreaking shell.
and impossible comparisons.
her presence next to him
her warmth as she lays her head on his chest
her breathing a comfort in the silence
her hair strewn across him caressing his body
he smiles, the comfort he feels is unlike any other
contentment filling his body
he realizes this is happiness
she is his happiness
the passion he feels out weighing any negative emotions cascading upon him
his life slowly playing out in his head
he sees the future, he sees smiles, laughter, love
but in a sick twist of fate that future is shattered replaced with nothing but a mirror shattering in slow motion
the pieces falling as if gravity was taken away
like feathers falling he sees each piece drift to the ground
in those pieces he distinguishes memories
some happy, some sad, but all bringing about the same emotion
he reaches for the falling shards only to be cut over and over
the blood pouring out of his skin, dripping onto pages spelling out words he never spoke into existence
hands trembling as he reads page after page
every feeling, every emotion he never had the strength and capability to express
all smeared in a Crimson tone, marking the book of his life
as he turns each page, the warmth of his own life bleeding out reaches him
and in that moment knows true warmth for fleeting seconds
replaced by black.
he sits on the ledge, legs dangling over a void he sees as nothing but an escape,
the tendrils of darkness grasping his soul attempting to drag him forward
clinging to the little sparks left inside he sits frozen, like a statue, an eternity to process the roar of thoughts assaulting his consciousness with a ferocity few could ever hope to withstand
slowly inching forward feeling the solidity of the ledge beneath him slipping away as the darkness wraps him in an embrace of alleviation.
at the very edge he closes his eyes
the flood of thoughts slowing, seeing the ones he loves most, his biggest supporters, all floating to the forefront of his mind, as a warmth he is more than unaccustomed to and one fluid motion he slips back, standing at the ledge, staring back at the darkness still calling to him
he walks away. a hint of a smile tracing the edges of his mouth. he won. he is free. he is alive.
the problem with trust is you can take so much time to build it up but with one simple action all of it comes crashing back down to square one
all the good intentions and innocent actions crumbling away with one simple lie, starting simply as a drop of doubt growing ever onward becoming a roaring sea of distrust and paranoia
the true question is whether that lie was worth ripping apart the house you built, tearing down the structure bringing it crashing down in a whirlwind of debris destroying everything once standing
poisoning the thoughts of the one you supposedly care about, tainting their mind with endless questions with answers never to be shared, and when those worries come out you act as if you did no wrong, the perfect person that you play yourself out to be when there is no such thing
without trust there is nothing, and without you they now have something, a chance to connect and build with someone new, letting them do what you couldn't and showing they are worth more than you made them feel, but with trust already broken they fight a battle harder than any struggles brought before
and it's all because of you.
feeling that burning sensation tickling the back of his throat,
feeling the fire that fuels all of his crippling desires,
that desire to be loved, and to love.
the smoke just mixes, slowly destroying his body from inside out
becoming a catalyst for the process that so many others are afraid of.
he welcome's that outcome and cherishes the thoughts of when it finally comes,
leaving him alone, in silence and nothingness
finally somewhere to call his own where trust will never be an issue
and so he sips.
losing himself in the potion to forget how the smoke destroys his lungs and body
and slowly as he dies, finally feeling the same way on the outside that he does inside, he smiles, thinking absolutely nothing.