Have you eaten?
Yeah
Have you?
I can tell when she asks me it grows from love
But I can't help but think otherwise as I curl her hair at midnight
Hugging me one last time before she goes off to meet the man who is made of shadows
I cannot save her
I cannot even save myself

I do sit ups as they lay asleep
I am bone and they are flesh
It's how it's always been
Hiding behind my skeleton while my friends pretend that nothing is wrong
Nothing is wrong
Nothing is wrong

How often do you cry at the dinner table?
Weeping over ever teaspoon of honey that falls down your throat
When will I realize that I cannot craft a new heart out of ash and longing?

I send myself mixed signals
Is the day a success if I eat something,
Or nothing at all?
What about one apple, two apples?
Three?
Am I any less alluring if you cannot see my collarbones stabbing through my neck?
A silent fist fight taking place upon my frail décolletage
Am I less interesting if you cannot see the world through the gap between my thighs?
If there is not even a sliver of space between them?
He can complain I do not eat
She can mother my heart into hunger
It seems to change nothing
Because they are not awake when I am awake
And they do not feel what I feel
An itching sensation in my stomach that causes my euphoria
A starving cry that echoes within my spine like church bells

There are wolves only I can hear
Howling symphonies of hunger and longing  
They sing me lullabies as I lay awake
Horrified at the thought of having to explain to my childhood self that she would one day be afraid of her own reflection

And people say I've changed when I know I haven't
And I'll still cry when my black dog howls at that swollen paper moon
A heartstring ripping song that will have no duet
And so I've stitched myself in lavender
And drowned my skin in water that comes from so close to the sea that my palms hold shipwrecks
But I'm still that same girl who stood too close to the edge of the road just to feel the cars whip past her
And I'm still that same girl who feels as though the love she is given will never truly be earned

Spellbound

I could spend years wandering in that same ellipse
Awake during nightfalls your parents never told you of in bedtime stories
Entranced by heartbeat lightning as I avoided foggy eyes
I was seeking a light that could not glow there

I remember the year I became alight,
warding through punched walls with her candle  
Flames licking at my frail wrists like kittens  
Where she waited for me I cannot tell you,
for the women who twiddle their thumbs amongst smoke in unlit rooms are the women who have shown me something about myself that was once hidden  
Hidden like screams woven within static and wind

I have always been the one who has to watch the doors when people come in and out
Guarding entrances to homes as I watch life pass me
Spinning slowly as I become separate from the air
And maybe you get and that and maybe you don't
And maybe there will always be two kinds of people
Those who change in front of the mirror
And those who don't
Each meaning so much more and so much less than what we fixate upon
Or maybe nothings like that
And maybe i will always be the girl born too late in the summer
With irises that have mystified my mother to this day
And a spellbound quality to my smile that my grandmother warned would make men weep

It's not fair that you only have to spend the morning without me
for I'm trapped in the night
darkness deafening me as I tell myself over and over that this is real
that midnight is only an hour
that I'll be home soon
and I never feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be
transporting myself place to place
continent hopping like a heart murmur
my soul is five hours behind
and when you sleep my whole being longs for your voice
glasses half empty stacked beside me
I remember a time when my hair danced at my hips
when the moon would be full and heat lightning blinded me
constantly praying to a god I didn't believe in that I could fall asleep
but dreams didn't come
and that summer lasted but eight days
when I can feel your heartbeat you are fire
but now that I'm so far away your voice is tired
your laugh is like a wind chime on a day when the air doesn't speak
milk moons have a habit of forcing me to reread your words
making me realize I now posess curses I never thought I'd have to endure
like how when I touch you I am not the girl my father raised
like how when you push me into the wall I hope your mother doesn't weep

We all have promises we wish we never made
I wish I didn't tie myself to you with silk
knotting each of my heartstrings around your fingers
I'm like your puppet
and it's wrenching because I had always been so brimmed with pride
conceived by my parents notion that I'd be doomed to wander alone
or blessed
if you choose to look at my freedom like it's that of a gift
but I don't want it anymore
I refuse to chain myself to my past
my frosted veins melting in your palms
I am not who I thought I was
I am not the lady my matriarch once bore that hot morning
a head full of curls and irises that told two different tales

I'm so lucky that the trees bend north tonight
I contribute secrets as clouds to the noir
unkept stands of chestnut trying to escape
but I don't blame them
and ink is all around me as I further my vices
counting down to paradise as I move a little too quickly from my bed
the other part of me wonders if I go visit him at this time
and I grin at that notion she thinks that's what I want from this hour
there are moments I forget to miss you
guild soaked as I remember love
I wouldn't call this bliss
it doesn't even scrape at happiness
it's emptiness
but not the way I've experienced before
I don't have words for this new feeling
not yet at least
I'll let anything in as an attempt to starve out this self doubt
but no whisper is as warm as your breath
because with you you don't even need to comfort me with diction
instead I swallow your glances like honey
I hope you know this mindset will never evolve
and if it does it is only to grow stronger

Some hearts change with the seasons
mine used to change at every chime of a clock
I'm stagnant now
laying calmly in the eye of the storm
the light hitting my skin the only thing changing each hour

Soon this will be over
No longer damning every firefly and its nerve to glow without purpose
Soon I'll be at your mercy again
Purple thighed and alive
Because right now without you I've never felt so alone
Eyelids like blankets
Terrified of what dreams could await my unconscious soul
But in the deepest hollows of my chest I hear your voice calming me
Saying what you always say when you hear my heart rate jump
"Let me sing you that song about the stars I know you love"

I think I'm losing it again
Fatherless scorn as I ****** myself into the night
When can I see you again?
Half bleeding in the shadows as I hide my smoke in my coat
Aren't you cold?
Midnight sparrows startled as I throw rocks at what they've torn down
Every inch of my childhood ripped from my being
Soul on fire as I realize I'll never get these memories back
And there are parts of me even I don't understand
Like why I allow myself to soak up the moonlight when I should be asleep
And you always said I inhale too many false heartbreaks in a wish to feel something
Letting myself get lost in the wooded flesh of others like I'll find something holy
But there's nothing for me here
Just a faraway feeling of home
You've changed my mindset of what it means to feel safe
No longer a bed and kin
But a boy who's limbs cover me like thorns
Scratching at my skin to remind me that he's no ghost
And I'm no psychic
We know not what we do
Letting ourselves get so close when we know that when morning light stains us I'll be gone
Among clouds of Amber in a half chambered attempt at loving someone besides you
And I shouldn't feel like this
Gilded to you like gold to porcelain
I wonder if passers by can sense your wonderment
Your disposition to think of wrongdoings as a gift
But I know they can't
And it makes me question whether or not it's even there
Or if I'm just imagining it like you're a bible verse I keep repeating
A spell I cast every night to convince myself I'm alive
And that my love is valid
But it's not magic or sorcery
It's how I was meant to feel every time before when I kissed death with a hollow promise
There's a lot to say about a girl who can love in the daytime
Summer skin tanned from humid lemon beams
But I love you at sunrise
When you're still asleep and I peek from behind blankets hoping I won't be caught
And I love you at dusk
With ash and leathered thighs as music pours through speakers
Your voice is honey to me
And I've never had a sweet tooth until I heard you sing
But most importantly I love you in the witching hour
As we wander through cemeteries and you point out forgotten psyches
Doomed to rot alone
I hope I get to hold your hand forever
I hope I never lose you

I never used to understand those heartspun melodies lovers would sing
but now every word is a map to a memory I have of you
winding roads of stars in my veins
highways of constellations
and they all lead back to that night
eyes lit by the flame of your cigarette
lights twinkling below us like an ocean of fireflies
and I can remember staring at your hands
pale and cold under that harsh moonlight
wishing you’d hold me closer to you
but I reminded myself that for many, feelings take time to grow
and most people don’t fall in love overnight
but I fell hard
and I’ve said it before
but I’ll say it again
your love surrounds me like darkness
like a tide always in
but in that evening it wasn’t love
and it wasn’t friendship
it was a strange middle ground I had arrived at the second I stepped off that platform
and when the sun rose the lightbeams reflected off your skin like that was their only purpose
you could give me directions to your lips and I’d still get lost
eyes hooked on the sharp features of your face
beautiful and stern like a storm
and your words were rain
showering me
and when you left I dipped my feet in the puddles they left
wondering if you really meant them
I cling to you like wet clothes
hugging every inch of you
blind to the notion that you might want your space
I’ve always been the one who doesn’t answer cries of heartache
murmuring to roses as I walk
conspiring that I might be made of petals and not of flesh
and that is why I didn’t love him
wouldn’t love him
couldn’t love him
but that static dream of a wildflower heart was ripped from me the second you bared your teeth
sat in the dirt like freshly planted seeds
you were like midnight during the day
a calm breeze encompassing me
bribing me to rip out my secrets in front of everyone
he told me you couldn’t fill the hole I’d dug so deeply in my heart in hopes you’d fall in
that you were fire
flames licking at anyone who got too close
but if you roll up these sleeves of mine you’ll find burn marks covering every inch
because I’ve never been one to learn a lesson that there’s such a thing as too much heat
I’ve lusted after boys with coins where their eyes should be
sunrises spent kicking myself for staying awake through the night in hopes they’d call
but none of that makes any sense now
it’s as if I didn’t even know what true yearning was
and my mother always said it’d do me well to experience heartbreak
but up until now any boy who called me his would do me no wrong by cutting his ties
in fact I’d probably thank him
as he’d give me the gift of that first night of freedom after days trapped in his heart
wandering the dust filled chambers like a labyrinth
coughing on the smoke that seemed to pump through ther veins instead of blood
I’ve always been good at saying a lot without meaning it
lies sweet like honeycomb that I feed my lovers instead of truth
and you know this
as you’ve read the novels of my sorrows many nights
and even if I think I’m electric I’ll still find myself standing too close to the edge
driving too fast
drinking too much
but I’ve got to let you know one thing
and that’s although my eyes may dart everywhere but on yours
and I throw words like knives at your chest sometimes
you’re the purest thing I’ve found
and there’s no one else I’d rather spiral out of control with than you

I used to choke on those words like bile
Stinging my stomach like acid on flower petals
And he was there
Eyes lit from a cigarette stolen from his father
And my favorite lighter
But I didn't even need that flame to feel so hot
Blood boiling and palms ablaze
And I've read stories of what love is supposed to feel like
A punch to the face
A bee sting on your heart
We had that
We had it in the sense that my hatred for your grin spiraled out of control every night
Was this what love was supposed to feel like?
Like pouring my soul into the dirt?
You were this dark thing I kept hidden under blankets
Failed attempts of keeping your drunken gaze off of my collarbones
Always willing to bite
Never wanting to hold me after you've taken all you need from my neck

I've told you about him
My sad excuse for a pair of hearts
And you listen
You always listen
And when I'm with you I feel so calm
Dancing under street lamps at 4 AM while I keep pushing our goodbye back further
And further
And further
Until both our eyes are deep heather and we yawn between kisses against the fence
You make me feel like I'm home
And I'll curse anyone who ever tries to tell a girl that love is something otherworldly
That she should be fighting battles constantly with her ocean boy in an attempt not to sink
With you I don't even worry I'll drown
I can breathe underwater now
Swimming lazily through your kind words
Where everyday feels like Saturday afternoons in June
I can say those words all the time now
I love you
I love you
I love you
No longer coughing on them like something caught in my throat
Never again regretting every touch you think I won't notice
Every whisper I pretend not to hear
Because in the dark he held me as if I was going to leave
I had no choice
He had seven hearts scattered in his body
Torn pieces from previous heartbreak and broken promises
And he didn't love me
He loved someone breathing next to him in case he didn't want to anymore
I was anchored to him
His constant reminder that there was someone there

You're so different I can't describe it
When you kiss me I don't even want to pull away except maybe to peek at your green eyes for just a second
You laugh at stupid things and you put so much thought into everything
Like I used to do for him with no avail
Like I do now for you
And I feel every misplaced hand needs an explanation
And the words I choke on always have stories deeper than most would associate
But everyday I am set to show you how much you mean to me

And I know one day we'll live together
Singing along to wolf howl melodies every full moon
Long walks getting lost in concrete jungles
I miss you already
And I've never missed someone so much that even an echo of your name will plummet me deeper into heartache
I don't know why I'm so distressed when I know I'll return to you
Your arms outstretched as a welcome
Your smile just as bright
And I'll melt inside at the way your nose will scrunch up when you laugh at my stupid jokes
And in the dead of night in my constant attempt to get closer to you it will hit me
Not like a ton of bricks
Not like a freight train
But like the spark of skin when it brushes up against another hand
Like not realizing that there's a ladybug on your thigh until you see it
And then it's legs are the only thing you feel
Like coming home and finally realizing what it's like to sink into someone and feel loved