I'm Sorry about how I am,
I close my eyes and still see you,
at the start it was nearly exiting,
but now what do I do,
I maybe safer,
but the agony shines through.

God take me in my sleep,
so this hurt will no longer be,
that breath sweep me away,
I'm down on my knees,
they say I can enjoy my self,
but how is this free!

Old love becomes a curse,
how can a heart that is broken,
truly be fixing,
time is against me so the clock is ticking,
I all ready see the better men she is picking,
I'm angry that your gorgeous face is still sticking.

Forgive me,
for I am beyond bitter,
my conscience,
is shrouded by,
the darkest weather.

My goal,
is to look good in the eyes again,
without hurting,
without despise,
thats my endeavour.

But my issue is,
what has good done to me,
but hurt me,
leave me in need,
when I was there what ever that weather!

I can't care for good,
because if I reach out,
good takes my fingers off,
one at a time,
making me sick and boil in pain.

So NO I can't look,
how can I smile,
how can I love,
how can I be selfless again,
so evil I'll remain.

So you get rid of me because I ended up emotionally black mailing you,
into believing what I believed,
and now you've got rid of me you've decided to do the same to me,
you want me to keep my mouth shut,
so now you're in control!
how ******* dare you!!

Is that how this is going to work,
you're free now,
you're in control,
I even snapped out of it so you wouldn't be burdend,
dunno how,
but that wasn't good enough you were already bored.

Through out our relationship,
you always had to keep a few secrets just to have your bit of control,
you had to be a bit rebellious,
I gave you ******* control,
I gave you choice over me!
I gave you everything so I could adapt to be who you wanted!

And you know what my view was,
not till I'd found the one,
so I could be pure and proud,
I hate to say it even if it wasn't on purpose,
I'm **** like the rest now and damaged goods,
I've been ****** and left!!

Oh yes and your voice remained a secret,
I wanted you to be able to let go with me,
and just be comfortable,
oh ******* look,
there's a concert now we've split up,
and guess who's performing!!!!???

And you probably want to find some else now I'm so ****,
well I pray they love you like I did or better if even possible,
I do hope they are powerful,
because you deserve it,
and I am forever watchful,
I will ******* break them!!

I know,
I'm not all that great,
I'm not that good looking,
not that open,
not that fun,
not that special,
but I'm still all yours to take.

But you're irresistible,
make no mistake,
I'd do anything to be close,
but I can't help but remember,
your hugs are posed for display at the moment,
and your frowns at me with rare eye contact,
turn into a smile that seams forced and fake.

I can't promise you I'm not ill,
I'm not extreme,
but some pain still kills,
all I wanted was to keep you safe,
I haven't got an issue with you going away to places,
but I'd love to be close to you,
when you're back just the same.

If you can't be close physically,
how emotionally can you see,
well just seeing you happy is a pleasure to me,
I suppose I'll have to disappear,
so you can feel again,
I'll be a ghost,
just a glimpse you'll see.

I'll be back if and when you want me close,
I still have my one wish,
I won't give up on you,
I won't forget like you said,
I won't make you regret,
but you have to remember,
that I love you the most.

I've probably thought like this before,
so many times,
perhaps for all the wrong reasons,
but this time I guess it really matters.
   So I start off thinking,
can she love me?
theres that part of me that says,
ye she's just confused because you've been ill,
maybe if I hadn't have been so wrong,
this distance wouldn't have happened,
who am I to know?
there is another part of me which says,
maybe not perhaps she's board of me,
and she just doesn't know how to say it,
   Which then leads me to think,
Does she think there's someone better out there for her,
someone who looks better maybe?
perhaps I'm not gonna be the best any more,
she said I'm still attractive but how much am I really?
someone who makes her feel better all round.
   Perhaps she thinks I love her but not enough?
so maybe there is someone out there,
who she wants to be closer to instead of me,
someone who she'd rather spend her life with.
   I wonder If she knows I believe there is no one,
who could love her more than me now,
I would do anything for her,
and appreciate her for who she really,
and be confronted by being privileged enough to know that,
   I wonder if she's thought what life would be like without me?
If she didn't have me yearning to be close,
would she care?
all those lovely times we had,
being silly,
or sneaky,
and laughing.
   I just want to make her happy!
we could have loads more wonderful times,
with me still close,
I wouldn't let her down later on,
we could both live more relaxed,
   I wonder if she can imagine,
all those good times but better an fresh,
without me having a bad head!
I can think more present now,
I can think more positive now,
how wonderful that would be with her!
   The map is now bright and full of opportunity,
it's full of wishes now,
not complete darkness,
I hope she doesn't think that I still will bog her down,
her high isn't my low.
   I'm still hers and she can trust me,
I hope she knows that she's gorgeous and lovely,
I can only hope I deserve more time with her,
and she'd be happier with me not without me,
   Hopefully we can push through this,
without a maximum of two kisses on a text,
and without a maximum in our lives,
we can go on and grow on,
I'm still me,
I won't give up.

Well I suppose I came up with so many restricting rules,
   I didn't appreciate the beauty I had enough,
      I made you do things and by mistake gained control,
   I wasn't cheery enough,
my health wasn't good enough,
   and I never understood enough,
      yet you never pushed or shoved me,
   but I've made a promise not to descend to the world below,
or to ascend to the sky above me,
  I don't know if this will change my fate,
      the days...
         I couldn't make her love me.

It's sort of circular,
more like an oval,
with the four seasons positioned round it,
summer and winter at the two peeks,
the map has many dimensions,
there is numerical memory in columns and rows,
on another layer to the main map,
and on the map there are memories,
from my past which flash back to me in moments of panic,
there are dark shadows of fate in the future,
there are a few colourful points on the map,
days of hope and to make it to,
but they are normally crowded by deep grey patches,
I can see them,
1 week,
almost 1 month,
nearly 4 months,
not far off 1 year,
just a select few of them,
sometimes the map fades into the shadows,
thats when the end is drawing near,
on the deciding days the dimensions disappear.