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Feb 2019 · 212
Friend shaped
Adrian Feb 2019
An alien, the strangest thing, with dark grey eyes and bright green skin
He is my dearest friend, this alien, this lovey fluorescent guy
He lives far away, among the stars, who know him as well as I do
He tells me things no one knows, yet I forget them at goodbye
I truly hate it when he leaves, because he leaves me high and dry
I hope he never leaves for good, for without him I may die

I’d shrivel alone, without the universe in his wide eyes
Discontent with my ever so monotonous human days
But my alien has not left me yet, he has not let me down
At night we dream under his stars, at day bask in the suns rays
He navigates me through outer space,an endless starry maze
I am lost in his bright blaze
Feb 2019 · 245
Dragon
Adrian Feb 2019
Dragon
——
I know a girl who breathes fire
She ***** it in
Holds it in her throat for a while
Then breathes out
The inferno lights up
Her cold, dark belly
I know a girl who breathes fire
Whips and tendrils
And sometimes coils
She’s burning up from the inside
But she keeps on breathing
Raggedy, patched throat
Inhaling white hot tongues of it
I know a girl who breathes fire
I pray she keeps on breathing
Nov 2018 · 163
I miss breathing
Adrian Nov 2018
I miss you like you’re living
With you I felt like I could breath
Biting, stinging
Breathing
With you I could breathe
But they told me I have to hold my breath
Or else I’ll drown
So I don’t breathe anymore
And no one breathes
And we all hold our breath in silence
But god,
I wish I could breathe
And god,
You made me feel like I could breathe
Adrian Nov 2018
If my voice were loud enough
I’d climb the tallest mountain
And shout from the top
If my voice were loud enough
I’d tell everyone what I need them to hear
If my voice were loud enough
I’d scream through cities and suburbs
A ghostly voice echoing through buildings
And subway tunnels
If my voice were loud enough
You’d never stop hearing me
Because if I could be heard
I would be heard
But my voice isn’t loud enough
Because I’m 14
Because I’m Hispanic
Because I’m queer
Because I’m a girl
Because I’m just one girl
But if we all use our voices
A million different voices
Clamoring to be heard
We just might be loud enough
Nov 2018 · 236
1 am phone call
Adrian Nov 2018
I love you
                  Ok
I love you
                  Okay
Say it back
                    No
I love you
                  No you don’t
Sep 2018 · 115
nothing without you
Adrian Sep 2018
I'm nothing without you
and I know that's pathetic
but I can't help feeling that it's true
without you, I feel empty and mute and boring
I feel worthless and unloved
god I wish I could turn back time
to when you wanted me like I wanted you
my brain can't process that it's over
it doesn't add up
you were my everything
and now you want to be nothing
I just can't understand
how emotions can change that fast
I keep thinking that you'll come back
say you've changed your mind
that you love me and you need me and you miss me
I keep trying to convince you
like somehow I can make you understand
how good we were together
and make myself understand
how you wouldn't want that anymore
heartbreak *****
Aug 2018 · 792
Alone in the rain
Adrian Aug 2018
didn't think you would leave me
alone in the rain
guess I was blind
let clouds
fog up my visionn
guess I was stupid
for placing you so high
you had to fall
anyone would fall
but I didn't think you would leave me
alone in the rain
god i feel so
alone
Jun 2018 · 168
fresh emerald
Adrian Jun 2018
grass stains
cover young knees
a dewy taste in the air
highlights the emerald
hills
a deep breath
stains fresh lungs with
chartreuse
rumpled fields
perfect for the imagination
to run wild
May 2018 · 248
Yellow with jealousy
Adrian May 2018
mustard leer
and sickly yellow skin
dead daffodils in her hair
her teeth are broken and rotten
and golden hair's gone sour
honey long forgotten
as she has been
she grinds her crooked, flaxen teeth
yellow has gone out of style
May 2018 · 203
Silver skeleton
Adrian May 2018
a smattering of silver freckles
cover her wide eyes
her teeth are made of tin
a tongue that tastes like copper,
razor sharp and thin
her skin is the color of slate
hard and cold and pure
a granite gargoyle skeleton
a dark and gray allure
May 2018 · 323
crimson boy
Adrian May 2018
and alone he sat
sparkling eyes and dusty red knees
that robbed the sunset of it's color
alone he sat
rusty in the twilight,
scarlet with blush
alone evermore,
the crimson boy of dawn
Mar 2018 · 2.4k
Comet Boy
Adrian Mar 2018
You're a real comet boy
aren't you
everyone wants to call you a
shooting star
but you know you're just a
falling rock​
glittery and pretty boy
all bright and cheery
we all want to know if you light up
the dark
eyelashes cluttered
with star dust
​do you wear a crown
of broken moonstones?
​cracked and gorgeous
your beauty is your pain
oh,
so sad yet so pretty
comet boy
we all want to heal you
won't you let us heal you?
Feb 2018 · 167
Dreamtown
Adrian Feb 2018
I'd like to stay in dreamtown for a day
doctor
you see, I think it would be better for my health
I'd like to take a visit there
a quick little vacation
because in my dreams
conversations always turn out better
and in my dreams
everyone is always happier
see, doctor
I don’t get nightmares
so there are no disadvantages
I’d just love to laze around
in dreamtown
where there are always
bees buzzing, making honey
it’s always better in my dreams
everyone always loves me in my dreams
in dreamtown
where there are always
birds chirping, flying slowly
that world is superior
I get to have adventures in my dreams
so doctor
If I could have your permission
I request a prescription
for a stay in dreamtown
ticket for one
and if I don’t come back
it’s because I’m happier there
Jan 2018 · 367
impermanent tattoos
Adrian Jan 2018
impermanent tattoos
decorate my skin
words
in your handwriting
adorn my arms
filling up the blank spaces
and caressing my wrists
they bring back memories
a fleeting laugh
discrete humor
the clicking of a pen
and being close enough
to hear you breathe
the warmth of your hand
pressed against my arm
as you look up at me
mirth in your eyes
and we silently laugh
at what you've written on me this time
I adore these memories
treasure them
with a sense of euphoria
oh,
how sad it will be
to wash off these impermanent tattoos
Jan 2018 · 366
Orange Veil
Adrian Jan 2018
There's a world out there
seen only through orange lensed ski goggles
a world with a redder sky
and a vermillion ground
your eyes adjust
though
to the apricot hues
and after a while
you find yourself seeing orange
and thinking blue
and when you take off
those warmly toned lenses
everything seems
so **** blue
like you forgot
the entire sky around you
was just a vast expanse
of cerulean
everything is so ******* orange
until it's blue
Jan 2018 · 458
paranoia
Adrian Jan 2018
It's like
When I miss you
I feel like I'm being clingy
Or I care too much
It's like
When I don't care
I get worried
That I'll hurt someone
It's like
When I think about the future
I never see what could go right
Only the many
Many things
That could go wrong
It's like I have to deal
With the burden of all these failures
That haven't even happened
It's like when I close my eyes
Scenarios play out
In my head
Scenarios in which
All the bad thing happen
And none of the good
Scenarios
Where I lose everyone
Scenarios where
Everyone realizes
Just how awful I am
I can't help but know
All of my worst fears
I rehash them every night
Just in case I forget
A quick seminar
And make sure to take notes
It's like
I can't sleep sometimes
Because my body just
fills
With paranoia
And so far
I haven't found a way
To empty it
Dec 2017 · 248
bittersweet
Adrian Dec 2017
a fraction of an instant
leaves a salty-sweet taste in my mouth
an aching feeling of nostalgia
comparable to hunger
emotions like these aren't enjoyable
a war is fought
an intense battle
between happy
and sad
somewhere a stalemate is found
and outcomes bittersweet
crashing through the brambles to ruin everyone's mood
a confusion of the senses
with no satisfaction
a stinging injustice
that the woe dealt
cannot be properly mourned
due to the element of lingering happiness
still,
milk chocolate is found to be too sweet
and 100% cocoa
too dark
and so a compromise is made
everyone's favorite chocolate is bittersweet
Dec 2017 · 1.6k
the jellyfish in my head
Adrian Dec 2017
there's this jellyfish
stuck in my head
he swims there day and night
and lights up the dark
inside of my skull
a bioluminescent, fluorescent jellyfish
swollen and pink
he likes to shock me
lighting up the dark
inside of my skull
he has long, coral tentacles
they squeeze around my brain
and he hugs it
and pretends to be a part of it
I think he gets a little lonely up there
if you ask me
no one to talk to
in the dark inside my skull
there's this poor,
poor jellyfish
stuck in my head
who swims laps around my brain
as though the space in someone's head
could ever be as good as an ocean
perhaps someday I will set him free
perhaps I will crack open my skull
and it will no longer be dark inside of there
pink will spew out
a large mushy brain
with a jellyfish attached
his long, coral tentacles
will claw at the air
like tendrils of bubblegum
until someone brings him to the ocean
where he belongs
there's this jellyfish
stuck in my head
and he's very confused
because my head looks nothing like an ocean
Dec 2017 · 263
Igloo
Adrian Dec 2017
I am walking on ice
Towards you
You taunt me
I catch a glimpse of you
A gleam of color
Through a whirlwind of snow
And I am oh so eager
To catch up to you
So I run forward
Though my fingers are blue
And my legs are oh
So tired
I can feel the ice cracking under my feet
I know I should stop
Quit chasing
After an elusive figure
In the snow
Even if you might be all I want
All I think I want
But I can't stop now
The ice behind me
Begins to break off
Drifting into the endless dark sea
That I am so afraid will consume me
So I keep walking on ice
Hoping you're my igloo
Though you might just be
The frigid water below
Dec 2017 · 156
mouth sores
Adrian Dec 2017
there is a boy in San Diego
who sits at his desk
and does nothing but drink coffee all day
he has sores in his mouth
permanent and aching
white hot sores
that blister and burn
and make him clutch his coffee tighter
and drown his aching mouth
in caffeine
there is a boy in San Diego
with wild,
wild eyes
who does nothing
but sit and think of the past all day
remarking on his aching mouth
and feeling his aching heart
there is a boy in San Diego
who feels the sun
in his mouth
the sores
in his mouth
they bleed
they flood his aching
dry mouth
with coppery fluid
and that boy
in San Diego
drown his sores in coffee
and hopes to be sore no more
Dec 2017 · 126
Flying
Adrian Dec 2017
I would like nothing more than to fly
And I would love to touch the sky
But I’m held to the ground
Who put concrete in my shoes?
I would love to fly
Dec 2017 · 215
A boat
Adrian Dec 2017
I am in a boat
that is slowly sinking
and keep throwing off my rafts
because I am afraid
they will weigh me down
Nov 2017 · 480
front and center
Adrian Nov 2017
I'm sorry I made you the center of my hurricane
the point which I pivot around
the peak
I'm sorry that I raised you too high
forgetting that you're afraid of heights
I'm sorry I made you the heart
of my universe
forgetting it's lonely out in space
I'm sorry
I didn't mean for it to be like this
I was lonely in space too
I thought
I just thought
maybe we could be lonely together
but I forgot
that sometimes people don't mind being lonely
Nov 2017 · 339
dustbowl
Adrian Nov 2017
do you see them there?
heads bowed
heavy with a past
they cannot stomach
do you seem them there?
an aura of gray seems to follow them,
and people step away when they pass
frightened perhaps,
that the misfortune of the less fortunate
will cling to their
expensive coats
and warm mittens
do you see them there?
they do not sing the anthem
or pledge their allegiance
they have no love
for a country that does not love them
they will not lose what is left of their dignity
attempting to run after
a world that has left them in the dust
they are the essence of dust
unclean specks
unimportant to the
                                     big
the
                                     loud
the ones who run the show
they are far from running the show
do you see them there?
breaths catching in the cold air
an unadulterated bitter anger
at those above them
for placing themselves above them
do you see them there?
because sometimes they get
     l
         o
              s
                   t
Nov 2017 · 272
Flying
Adrian Nov 2017
I knew that they couldn't possibly understand
why I was taking this climb
knew that in a thousand words
I could not explain to them
what would possess someone to jump
to want to fall
so I left no note
and I began my climb
I was intent
oh, so intent
and ready to throw myself to the murky water below
only
when I found myself at the top
I realized I like it that way
being on top
I didn't want to become
another fallen angel
a meteor hurtling towards the earth
no intent but to reach
the ground
to let gravity pull me down
I didn't want to let gravity pull me down
I didn't want to let anything pull me down
I wanted to stay there forever
stuck in that moment
alone, but content
so, so above
I don't need to jump
I am already flying
Note: This is written in a different point of view than my own. I have never attempted suicide
Adrian Nov 2017
he raises his hand
raises his head
***** a gun
and turns a key
he's not quite sure what he's looking for
but he can't stay here any longer
can't keep screaming into the quiet
can't keep gasping for breath
way out in space
he ***** a gun
turns a key
and he inches forward
he's desperate to find it
but not so sure he wants to see it
he spots it there
centimeters through the veil
mirror twins
only he can't tell
which one in real
and which one is an illusion
on cold reflective glass
the girl and the faceless thing
the nameless thing and the hopeless thing
he ***** a gun
and turns a key
and he tilts his head
and breathes
only he's forgotten that he can't breathe
so he chokes
and they turn
the girl and the faceless thing
or maybe it's one thing
a faceless girl
Nov 2017 · 204
The loudest silence
Adrian Nov 2017
I can't hear
over the sound
of this silence
can't breathe,
can't think,
but god,
can I feel.
drowning
crouched in a corner
in a ball curling tighter
and tighter
trying to block out the sound
of this silence
my mind filling it
with paranoia
and insecurity
so
so loud
as I try desperately
to ignore it
to not
misjudge or second guess it
but this silence
is aching
and leaves me quaking
so
so loud
and no matter how much background noise
I add
chattering numbly away
filling the space with
blabber
it's still there
looming
growing
encroaching on my space
as I crouch in my corner
and curl into a ball
tighter
and tighter
trying to get away from it
and this silence
is
so
so loud.
Nov 2017 · 680
Slow down
Adrian Nov 2017
she would need that, wouldn't she?
to slow down
I never slow down
when I ski,
I don't turn
I rocket down the slopes
snow trailing in the frozen air behind me
cold fear in my heart
as I pick up speed
but I don't slow down
I never slow down
I like to live fast
hard
in the moment
one punch after another
breathe breathe breathe
**** air into my lungs until it hurts and
leaves no room for second guessing
for anxiety to creep in
I run to keep up with life
feet pounding on the pavement
mimicking my heartbeat
and I don't slow down
I never slow down
I'm not so good at continued commitments
I'd rather just do everything all at once
hours of work
I could have easily done gradually
crammed all at once
and I don't think before I speak
I say what's on my mind
though I often regret it
and I don't slow down
I never slow down
because if I slowed down
then life
would catch up
Nov 2017 · 243
Rape
Adrian Nov 2017
At a young age
Us girls learn
That the theft
Of our choice
Our pure untouched skin
And our freedom of deciding
Who gets to touch it
The theft
Of our innocence
Our youth
Our ability to say no
That theft
Is less punishable
Than the theft
Of a man's wristwatch
Nov 2017 · 187
Words
Adrian Nov 2017
Dizzy daydreams echo in my head
As I utter words that will only ever be
Half read
Systematic syllables that ring in your ears
And mindless phrases that sit in a gap
Trying to fill a hole they do not fit into
Words words words
A weapon so many wield like a sword
Or a shield
I am one of those people
One of those people that could talk
And talk and talk and talk
Until my throat is bleeding
And your ears screaming
And the world rings with words
Yet
I will have said nothing
It's frustrating
To never be able to say what you mean
You wish you could craft a word
But then you could only describe it with words that have already been written
So it would defeat the meaning
Wouldn't it?
Pondering existence in places mundane
As a sidewalk covered in chalk
Typing away at keyboard
Until you have reached 157 words
But you are still not satisfied so you continue to write
169
170
171
But you have still not said what you meant as words echo in your head that Might describe this feeling countless ideas and emotions
That cannot be written
That will not be written
So they sit alone in the dark
And try to light a match
Nov 2017 · 1.3k
Piercing Eyes
Adrian Nov 2017
I wrote a song once
About a girl
With chamomile eyes
It wasn't about the color
It was about the feel
The way her eyes seemed to embrace you
To wrap you up
And hold you
And protect you
You are not that girl
Your eyes
Are nothing like that
Your eyes
Are a dark
Deep brown
Sharp
All edges
Daring me
Pushing me
Teasing me
Your eyes have a hint of laughter
And contradiction
A cool brown
That can cut through me
When you are mad
Relentless and so, so impassive
But make my stomach drop
When you give me that look
You know the one I'm talking about
It's all eyes
All tilt of the head
Twist of the lips
As they curve up
In a teasing smile
And the ember
In the brown ashes
Of your daring eyes
Makes me weak
Nov 2017 · 443
Paper People
Adrian Nov 2017
People are made of paper
Some are colored real pretty
Eyes bright with highlighter
Lips emboldened with sharpie
And some people are the sketches in the corner of your notebook during class
Some people are made of construction paper
Others flimsy white printer paper
Some people are adored and hung on walls for everyone to see
And others are ignored and tossed in the recycling
Isn't it strange?
To think that people
Who are made up of the same things
Can be valued so differently
I mean, how different are we?
We all can tear
Some already have, and are taped in several places
We can also fly
When the wind catches us just right
Drifting away on the breeze to unknown lands
We all can burn and crumple and disintegrate
But we can also be folded and shaped and painted
We can be ironed from a crumpled sheet of paper
To an origami swan
We can paint away our mistakes into a beautiful work of art
It's not too late to change
After all
Under it all
We are just sheets of paper
Waiting to be reborn and recycled
Nov 2017 · 286
Fingers
Adrian Nov 2017
I have fingers that linger
on surfaces
and a heart
that lingers
in the past
fingers that linger
in your hair
and on your shoulders
fingers that reach and stretch
and touch
and a heart that lingers
when my fingers
are done lingering
Nov 2017 · 1.4k
Moths
Adrian Nov 2017
There is a strange
Tingly sensation
In my stomach
When you are near
And when you speak to me
Or touch me
A sensation often described as butterflies
But they are not pure enough
To be butterflies
Because I know you don't feel them as I do
So they are moths
Moths
Because they are crowding your light
Moths in my stomach
Flying up
And up
And up
Through my windpipe
Choking me
And trying to reach you
And your blinding
Fluorescent light
Nov 2017 · 305
A Child's Playhouse
Adrian Nov 2017
it's been a while since I've been up here
at least a year
sitting on the textured, plastic roof
of a child's playhouse
it resides permanently in my yard
despite having been outgrown long ago
outgrown like the flowers and weeds
that surround it
the flowers and weeds that are unkempt
like one's hair on a windy day
they blow in the wind now
and hit my feet
to my surprise,
when the flowers touch my toes
tiny white petals
drift into the air
showering my bare feet
with small snow-like specks
slowly, I shake my feet
and then kick the flowers
I laugh as the Ivory petals
descend into the air
and kick again
and again
and again
the flowers are almost bare now
and my time here is spent
I look out over the long grass of my lawn
it too is uncared for,
in the summer the owners of it
are never there to tend it
and in the winter
it dies anyway
a jungle of a backyard
swept by a summer breeze
leaves me feeling just a bit freer
Nov 2017 · 816
Secrets
Adrian Nov 2017
You wanna know a secret?
Just a you and me secret
just a little whisper in the dark secret
just a little take it to your grave secret
just a little silent confession
just a little tremor in the voice
and a quake in your step
a
please help I cant keep this in any longer secret
a
don't tell anyone I'd be ruined secret
but no one can keep those secrets,
can they?
they turn it into
a
don't tell them I told you this they'd be so mad
secret
or a
I'm only telling you because I tell you everything
secret
secrets are meant to be kept
but secrets rarely remain secrets
sometimes people aren't trustworthy
but maybe
maybe secrets aren't meant to be kept
maybe
just maybe
it's only natural
the way they sit in the back of your throat
and throttle you
making you want to turn them into a
god you won't believe what they just told me but don't tell anyone
secret
maybe
we have to tell secrets
if we want to let them go
if we don't want them to strangle us
grow into our flesh and
infect our bloodstream
and consume us until we are
our secrets
so can I tell you a secret?
just a you and me secret
if you promise you won't keep it
Nov 2017 · 248
An image of unattainability
Adrian Nov 2017
I suppose
I might have liked you more
before you liked me
when you were a
castle in the sky
a faraway dream
for others to have and to hold
but not me
certainly not me
when you were a
shining vision
of unattainability
I suppose
I've always been this way
always wanted more
wanted what I can't have
bored when I get it
always wishing
always wanting
dragging myself through the pain
in order to say
"look, I survived it
look, how strong I am"
nevermind
that I caused it
so I don't know
if I can deal with
your sudden attainability
don't know
if I can coerce myself through
the boredom of
happiness
Nov 2017 · 2.4k
Falling Stars
Adrian Nov 2017
Remember
When we were kids
And a planetarium
Was a most wonderful place
Everyone simply obsessed
With outer space.
It was strange
And new
And beautiful
It was full of wonder
As was everything
A galaxy of stars
And empty space
We were flying through it all
To a new planet
For us to discover
Floating towards the future
It was like a dream
But as we grow up
We realize
Falling stars are chunks of ice and rock
Not wishes
And stars and the sun
Are ***** of flaming gas
The wonder fades
And you realize
Outer space
Would truly be a lonely place
Alone out there
But I guess it would still better
Than here
And you yearn
For that wonder to come back
But even if it would
Someone would take it away
They always do.
Growing up is sudden
And shocking
And changes you
Forever
And you wish you could go back
To planetariums
And outer space
But you can't.
We are all stars
***** of fire
That will eventually die out.
But some of us are falling
And hoping someone will catch us.

— The End —