The day that I die will be my last. My last kiss. My last drink.  Last time I barbecue.  Last time I tell the ones I love that I love them.  And I will welcome it with open arms.

It will be the last time I see my happy,smiling, bouncing daughter sparring in the cage.  

It will be the last time I look into my loves eyes and tell her how much I love her.

It will be the last time I call my mom just to talk and offer words of encouragement to her.

It will be the last time I crack a beer and watch the charcoal heat up before cooking some nice sausage and steak.

It will be the last time I wrap my hands and don my gloves to do rounds on a punching bag.

It will be the last time that i will feel alone even with people all around me.

It will be the last time I have a *** of tea followed by another *** of tea while listening  and watching the birds outside like dad did.

It will be the last time that my cat tries to talk to me and I speak back to him.

It will be the last time I put my car into fifth gear and cruise along some country road on my way to saugeen shores.

It will be the last time I ask the gods and goddesses for forgiveness and thank them for everything that I have.  

It will not be today.  There is too much to do.   Too much to see. And there is so much more I need to be before I go.

I need to walk my daughter down the aisle.   Need her to give me a grandkid that I can sit and watch while drinking my tea.

I need to see my wife grow old with me and keep me in line.  Keep me out of trouble.  And away from Best Buy.

I need to see my mom truly happy and healthy and enjoying life.  Living up in Southampton even if just for the summertime.

I need to prove to myself that I’m not ****** up even when I feel it so.

I need to know that what I did mattered.   What I did helped somebody. Some great deed to make the world a better place.

So even as I sit here crying, wanting to move on.  Ready to go. Beer in hand.  I know that I can’t.  I haven’t done enough.

And when that day comes I will welcome it with pride.  And embrace what lies on the other side of the white light. And ask not to be mourned for my loss.  But to be celebrated for my accomplishments.

Blessed be

The struggle is real.    Gets harder every morning to move.  No motivation or inspiration to get me going.  Chained to the wall I try to break free. Stuck

The voices are loud.    Heard it all before.  All the comments. He shouldn’t have let it happen. He should watch what he eats. He should work out more.  Even if he just walked more.

The pain is challenging.    Limping around.  Hard to bend over. Pushed to my limits. Vomiting after training. Bandages up. Tylenol, ice packs and obligations.

The threat is here. My own thoughts. Missing memories of what could have been.  Should have listened  but I knew better. Serves me right.  I was wrong.  

Looking for support. Depression rages on.  But can’t talk about it. Who wants to listen? Who will sympathize?  No one. They all get scared away when feelings show up.

I sit here.  Watching the flames dance in the rain. The crazy neighbor sitting in a lawn chair.  Just watching the charcoal slowly change to white.  

Cold beer in hand.  Tunes in the earbuds.  Sitting just watching.  Waiting.  Birds hiding in the tree.  Trying to stay dry.      

Keeping quiet.  Staying still.  Don’t want to disturb them.  Little and sweet.  Harmless.  Reminding me the sky is the limit.   How high should I aim?

I’m not a fixture anymore.  Don’t belong here today.

Just passing through the door. Just passing through life

I’m not a fixture anymore. I thought I was.  

This was my home.  I was wrong.  

I’m not a fixture anymore.  Going day by day.

Just one more day just one more day.  Let me get through just one more day.

I’m not a fixture anymore.  You will remember my face.

No photos to prove anything I was never really here.  You have no proof.

I’m not a fixture anymore.  Accepted the consequences.

Did I even exist. Did I change your life.  Always in the shadows no drive to be great.  

I’m not a fixture anymore. Hiding in the shadows.

Standing behind someone to hide my shame. Walk away just walk away.

I’m not a fixture anymore. I’ve wrote my path.

What mark did I leave.  Nothing nothing. Did you even see what I’ve done.

I’m not a fixture anymore. Hanging in the back.

Always in the back.  Behind the scenes.  Never centre stage.  I should have been.

I’m not a fixture anymore.   I tried enough.

Just do enough to get by.  Don’t get noticed.  Don’t stand out.  Don’t make a scene  

I’m not a fixture anymore.  How can I be.

What type of life is this?  Why should I go on?   No one will even know.  What’s to show.

I’m not a fixture anymore.  I am free.

Blessed be

The birds are happy chirping away. Gathering at their dish.  Making a mess. Spilling it everywhere.  But they are happy.

I remember those times up north you would just sit and watch    Never knew what you were looking at.  

Till the day in my yard. Just father and son. Firing up the charcoal and having some burgers.  Just sitting and looking around.

Watching the birds.   All the little brown birds I see everyday.  The odd cardinal that comes to visit. The 2 doves that were always present and the surprise blue jay that came for you.

All that’s left are the little brown birds and occasionally one dove.  I guess the dove lost someone too.

I make it a habit to feed the birds quite regularly. Just to sit and watch and remember those old days.  Love is forever.

Blessed be

I keep thinking about all the times I’ve cried wanting to die.  Know there is something wrong deep down inside.   I’m trying to hide it from you.    Don’t want you to feel blue you did the best you could.  

I keep thinking about all the times I’ve cried wanting to die.  I’ve tried to hide all my feelings but they still manage to get out.  I’m told it’s a gift.   But it feels like a curse.  Why am I burdened inside.  

I keep thinking about all the times ive cried wanting to die.   I know it’s not fair.  It’s not just my life.  It’s the ones I leave behind.  Know that you didn’t do anything wrong.  I love you all.

I keep thinking about all the times you will cry when I go.  It’s not fair.  I know there is something wrong inside.  I try to keep it at bay. It’s a struggle and a shame.  

I keeping thing about all the times I’ve cried wanting to die.  Know that I’m not strong enough to make that choice.  I don’t want you to suffer because I’m sick.

Blessed be

Kid has gone off on her own. House is quiet as a mouse.  No more random questions to answer.  

Just a lonely old man.  Sitting in his yard grilling whatever he can.  Just a lonely old man.

Wife’s gone out of town.  Again she loves to shop. Earbuds in her ears.  The beat goes on.  

Just a lonely old man.  Sitting in his yard grilling whatever he can.  Just a lonely old man.

Friends have all disappeared.  Neighbors won’t even come out and talk. Close their doors and their drapes. Pretend they aren’t home.

Just a lonely old man.  Sitting in his yard grilling whatever he can.  Just a lonely old man.

Who would even notice.  He he weren’t there.  Wanted to help others.  Stuck in a dead end job.  Till one day he just gave up.

Just a lonely old man.  Sitting in his yard grilling whatever he can.  Just a lonely old man.

I look out from yard.  Always said hello. He never answered me.  Must have been deaf.  Now he is gone.

Just a lonely old man.  Sitting in his yard grilling whatever he can.  Just a lonely old man.

Blessed be