I am slightly older now,
I've experienced what I know now as false tales of love,
False hate.... the tales of luck? 'Pft'
I did not realise but I was locked up in my own mind.

I've now come to an understanding of the world,
All things 'gender' 'maturity' 'kindness' 'wokeness'
Which I'm not quite sure any exist?
Just all perspective or pretence in 2
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The year of fighting the make believe or injustice or the oldies!
Both sides just the blind leading the extremely deaf,
Trying every second to find escapism,
To avoid...........................our corrupt inners of boredom!


Anyways,
I met a man... fell in love.. deep.. for the first time,
Not very 2
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                              5 of me I must admit...
Hands up ^^o^^ gggguilty.

But I cant help this burning question?
Maybe they are right... this relationship must certainly be a trap?
Men = Predator.
Babies = Cage
Love = Illusion
Marriage = Ownership

I spend countless days wondering if I have stupidly fallen victim.

But I guess the future will tell
She always does .. I think......
                                                                                 let me check tiktok.

I wont care about you today,
As how I cared for you yesterday,
And how I'll care for you tomorrow.

I wont reach for you today,
As how I've held you dear all these years,
And how I will definitely continue to.

I wont seek your attention today,
As how I have longed for your affection,
And how I soon will beg for the absolution of it.

I wont have your promised advancement today,
As how yesterday and the days before,
Was only ever amorous play...

As your ash-heap talking,
I wont have it today,
I cant..

For the world is dark,
But my feelings are never the same shade,
Makes it so much more painful...
Like an angel stuck in hell.

And it saddens me to know,
That our time spent together...
Is longer in my mind,
than in the physical realm.

That our memories,
Last further than our future,
And my love for you..
Outwins and ruins my own temple.

I remember your presence,
Without the present,
And I remember the past,
Without the passing..

Why do I sit here still,
Fiddling thumbs..
Without a finger to yield.

I wish I could forget,
Please someone help me forget,
I wish it could all be blurred,
For you already make me unheard.

Please understand my words slurred,
It came from the wishes that I know,
I might sound drunk or broke,
But my throat is saying I'm fully choked.

And this not a threat,
I guarantee
This is not a warning sign,
Guaranteed.

Don't run and try and help me
I expect unexpectancy.

I want it fully done,
I'm a newspaper loose in the street,
And I think it's time to free people..
of the ink.

I can't learn to let you go,
You toy with my bruised used youth,
And I need to need you,

Even whilst the
black and blue spreads.

I love you like the rain,
I'll happily watch from a window,
Admire your cinematic sounds,
Awe at the wetness glaze,
But I refuse to be a body...
Soaked in your discomfort,
Even though I crave for you to devolve,
Into every one of my skin cells,
I know enough to know,
That at first it will seem freeing..
But will become a killing nuisance
..

A chilling one,
Full of regretful unspoken speeches.
So I'll watch from the window pane,
Because if I adventure any further...
It would only cause so much..
Future pain.

I don't say I love you,
To the most important people,
Because the words are too heavy,
Yet too small

It's cold,
Too cold,
My co worker says I might have low blood pressure,
That it's strange my body never seems to be able to adapt to the cold,
My hand hurts as we walk,
Feeling the cracks already exposing,
And my lips a purplish blue,
My mouth dries,
And we separate as our routes take us different directions.

The night feels dark,
Of course the night is dark..
But it feels too dark.

The ground glitters from the crystallization,
Beautiful but makes it's surroundings feel like shadows,
So much darker.

I don't want to slip so every step is deliberate,
But the night feels like it's sinking,
And my ten minute walk starts to feel like 30.

Noises in the loneliness sets my heart pumping,
I accidentally stepped on a branch,
And the crack sound in my mind was a warning sign from the universe,
I need the safety of my home and quick.

The swishes of my trousers speed up joining my heart beat,
As I feel my mind starts to mentally break,
Like I'm on a brick wall in the middle of a turbulent black sea,
Knowing if I fall I'm gone.

I wonder why I've become like this,
Is it too much viewership of dark content?
Or do I just know cruelty exists,
If so from what?
From my history?
If so...what exact part?

Finding the source of my ****** reactions aids distraction from the occuring distress,
If I cant find the source,
Then the only explanation left is the one I'm truly terrified of..
That I can sense what's to come,
My impending doom,
That if I'm not home,
I'm not going to be anywhere at all,
If I don't quicken my speed,
The black sea whoever...
Whatever that may be,
Will swallow...

There will be no me.

These are my thoughts as im walking tonight,
I wonder if anyone has any similar ones.