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Blckstr Dec 2018
I want you to love me
The same way I love you.
I want you to feel the heat
While staring at me so fervently,
The explosion of your heart
Each moment our eyes meet,
The avalanche of your tears
Every time you see me
Kissing somebody else.

I want you to love me
Like you can drink a poison
Just to show your fidelity,
Like you can behead yourself
Just to prove that I'm the only one
You are thinking about,
Like you can pull your heart
Out of your chest
Just to show that it's the best
And most precious treasure I own.

I want you to love me
Like you can burn yourself in fire
To show how ardent your love is,
Like your ablaze desire
Makes you want to kiss
And hug me hardly and tightly
That you lose your breath literally.

I want you to love me
Like you want to drown in ocean,
Like you want to stab yourself
A hundred times until you run
Out of blood and life.
I want you to **** yourself
Just to prove your love to me.

I want you to love me.
I want you to feel
How hard it is to feel this love.
I want you to know
How it feels to feel the love
And hate at the same time.
I want you to feel
The pain I've been feeling right now.
I want you to feel
That loving you kills me every day,
And yet I'm still loving this way.
Blckstr Dec 2018
I was scared of pain
And I used to think that
Death is a potion
That tastes a lot
Like a painful poison,
Like it could burn my blood
Until I feel the heat,
Until my body feels
Like a boiling ocean
That makes me scorch in terror,
That makes me suffer,
That makes me perish forever…
Pain made me fear dying.

Death made me shiver.
It sent horror in my head
That when I would see
A corpse back then,
My knees would shudder
And I would puke
All the terrible
And disheveled thoughts
Out of my mouth…
Fighting my fear
Never made my heart stout.

I was afraid of dying
Until I had tasted death.

I was sent to a battlefield
Where everyone was my foe.
It seemed like I was the fiend
But it was them I have feared of.
I was beaten, stabbed, pierced,
And banged against
My own frail wall
Until I was drowned
In blood of my own,
Until my life felt
As lifeless as a stone,
Until I couldn’t breathe
Anymore,
Until I could feel anything
No more.

I lived like a corpse,
Everything to me felt so dead.
Maybe it was dumb of me,
After all, to fear death,
Because this time,
It is the only thing
That makes me feel
My existence still.

I was afraid of dying
But now,
Thinking of all the pain
I have had,
I’m scared to live again.
I’m scared to live anymore.
Blckstr Dec 2018
I cried a dirge when you left.
I found myself staring at the sky,
Waiting for the stars to fall down
While tears were falling from my eyes.
My world stopped spinning.
My clock stopped ticking.
It was the moment
I experienced how heartache
Could burn a tongue
While saying a precious name.
It was the moment
I realized that a heart could burn
Even without a flame.
It was the moment
I started writing poems,
Definitely coming from my heart.
Perhaps, heartbreak
Is a powerful form of devastation
That can create a beautiful art.
I started convincing myself
That you wouldn’t ever come back,
So I had had to be used
Having a broken heart for a lifetime.
I used this misfortune
As a motivation
To write poems and proses
Out of nostalgic specks
Of letters from the universe.
I learned how to sleep
With papers, drenched by tears,
On my bed every night.
I learned how to fight
The fear of losing someone I love
And the fear of losing myself because of love.
But there was still pain
Each time I gazed at the stars
Or every time I looked at the moon.
They made me remember
How you left me so soon.
They told me that no matter how bright
They seem in the night,
They can still never suppress the dark sky.
No matter how I tried to be happy,
The sorrow still lingered in my heart.
It was painful.
“Never underestimate
The heartbreak from a true love.
It can destroy a world for a lifetime.”
That’s what I told myself.
But I never knew
That a time would come
When I would finally forget
Everything about regret,
And sadness, and heartache,
And every little thing
That reminds me of how you break
My heart.
I don’t know what happened,
I just realized
That I don’t have to cry over
A single star that preferred
Other galaxy.
I don’t have to look at the sky
For the whole night just to think
What could’ve happened to us
If you ever chose to stay with me.
It no longer hurts;
And when I say so, it means
My tongue no longer burns
Whenever I say your name,
And I could no longer see
An image of us together,
Whenever I see a picture frame.
Every time I close my eyes,
A mirage of graveyard
No more flashes in my sight
My hand no longer bleeds
Whenever I write poems.
This is a new dawn –
Another dawn for a mended heart.
Not everything that’s already broken
Cannot be fixed,
For I managed to fix my world
After you ruined it.
You can never hurt me anymore,
And you can longer steal
The imagery
Of my poetry.
Not anymore.
Blckstr Oct 2018
Stop the beating of my heart.
End my life and let everything
Be forgotten like a fossil in an ocean.
Cease me from living.
Bar me from breathing.

**** me!
****** a thousand nails into my chest,
Slit my rasping throat, cut my trembling wrist
And let my blood drip on the floor
Until it forms a sea, enough
For my horrible childhood reminiscences
To drown and walk off the shore,
Where I am the fragments of sand,
Trying to create a stone
Just to be whole, firm, and strong.

**** me!
Pour a hundred-gallon of water into my mouth
And let my pain evade and flow out
Of my suffocated body.
Maybe then I can finally say
"I'm fine"
Without trying to extend
My hand above water
Or trying to breathe bit by bit
While my lungs load a river.

**** me!
Pull my eyes out, so I won't feel my tears anymore.
Slice my ears, so I won't hear myself again yowling in mourn.
Break my legs, so I can finally stop myself
From jumping on a deep water like a ****** whelp.
Hook my heart out of my chest.
Bludgeon my head to death.
Maybe then, I won't feel for once
Like I'm a canary underneath
The undertow of an ocean,
Wings ripped off and flight unfound.

**** me
Because I can hardly breathe.
I'm drowning in the thought of being sad
While losing the reason to feel so.
Every day, anxiety drags me to my bed,
But insomnia has this silly prank of hammering my head.
I try to ask anyone for help,
But whenever I see people in my surroundings
All I feel is like eternally drowning.
They make me feel like a terrestrial flower,
Trying to breathe underwater.

Every night, I write poems,
Not to **** boredom
But to **** something that kills me -
Ceaselessly.
Every letter I write on a paper
Feels like the water
Inside an aquarium where
I keep on suffering
And drowning forever.

I'm in the abyssal zone,
Too deep that even light can't *******.
Darkness engulfs me,
And light easily burns me
Take me from this depth.
Take me from this kind of death.
This depth makes me lose my breath.

**** me
Because living already feels like dying.
**** me
Not becase I'm tired of living,
But because I'm tired of dying!
**** me
Because it's suffocating.
It's asphyxiating me.
This darkness makes me
Hardly see
Myself.
It feels like I'm dying forever,
And I don't want to die anymore,
I'm drowning.
I can never reach the shore.
Save me!
Blckstr Sep 2018
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m ****** –”
I know it sounds ******,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems too *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.
Blckstr Sep 2018
Not yet, little canary!
The world is too dark for you;
Spread not your golden wings;
You’ll break them if you do.

Not yet, little canary!
Lay still on your hidden nest,
The hunters are still watching;
You must stay still and just rest.

Not yet, little canary!
Chirp not a single sound,
Sing not your frail heart out,
Your sole life will be shot down.

Danger is in the woods;
Stray not out of the woods;
Fly not, little canary!
Not yet, little canary!
  Aug 2018 Blckstr
Leviathan Andrew
If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone.

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.
The state of Florida is now home to the two most deadly mass shootings in American history. Pulse Nightclub was attacked in my city, I have friends who attend Marjory Stoneman Douglas in Parkland. My little sister often fears going to school. I'm afraid to graduate and leave her. I want to be able to protect her if something happens. I hate that we have a reason to be afraid... That it's reasonable to have these fears. I hate it so f*cking much.
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