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You have stayed too long
Don’t mind
I love change
That’s true
Edit is all one needs to do
And
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Error 500- unable to edit photos, it’s been a long time now, I believe months :)
Wish this one gets  rectified too :)
☆This an older poem, I decided to post.☆
Oh, & to my lovely readers,
Just remember the following:
—No one can make you concede defeat.
—You are whole without someone else,
         You are complete.
Unabridged by all rationale,
A masterpiece, assembled by fates convened. }♡{

When the pressure
of the air
around your body
feels like torture,
like suffocating.
Just remember,
when you think it's over,
that's when to fight - or you'll keep losing what's left quicker, & quicker.
Just dismember these words,
'Cause for better or for worse,
You can't leave yourself deserted.
~
When one does not know
the gazing stranger
in the mirror.
Frozen, head to toe,
colder than ice,
Deep within my mind, in an ethereal zone.
Behind closed eyes,
Feeling like a backseat driver,
Drunk, & in my own car - the basement of existence.
Flooded lungs,
Feet like phantom weights,  
The quiet swallows us.

The quiet disguise, oh my God, who do I trust,
When the man staring back,
will never know love.
I will never know love. ~
What could I miss, when I must miss what's considered life's most?

From another world,
or any mirrored surface,
The sinking sight of disfigured man & truth, swirl.
Against this apparition
frightened, staring
Wanting so much to run but I am always lured

Diminished for a while,
I began to look in the mirror with a smile.

Dreadfully,
the occasional feeling returns to me,
Like a Phoenix ruse, & blazing rise.
It is not unceasing,
But when I do feel it, all I can think of is it's absolute potency.
Dysmorphia takes leave - a trick,
& Like a calculated predator,
Unmercifully, it ensues.
Gotta get it's grip off my throat. God, let me go.
I will never know love. ~
& The smile hits me like a piledriver through soil,
I can imagine it unweaving soul.
I will never know love. ~
Oh the room has spun, and tables run,
Left with the emptiness of you.
Looked into the mirror & punched until it was done -
Spent midnight looking through a filter.
A reflection in blood.

I will never know love. ~

Emotionally consumed,
I'm too far gone, can't hold on, uncontrolled in the doom,
At least this time I feel something at all.
I will never know  my  love. ~


By: Ashton Conor Amstutz



#BodyDysmorphia
Can't go numb, nothing is fun, it's fine, I've lost it, the balance of life — all mounting on a seasaw of narcotics

Scared to death
to face a reality of glorified ambivalence.
I hold my breath
attempting to wake up from this existence.
But I'm lost in the static,
carried off in a whim.
All I possess is to come to an end.

Your mind is like a sunrise
painting new colors of change,
while bleeding into one's that still remain
You used to see
You knew how to see through my eyes like garden gates,
If you let me out, I'll let you in.

I often wonder if anyone
Would agree to trade places,
If they knew what poison
they'd face, frozen - within constant madness.
Something like a dreaming stay,
Exchanging grim actuality
For lingering collapse.

Even In My Dreams I'm Always Losing.

Every day falls heavy with sound of mind
seeking comfort,
& blanketed by night skies
I write poetry, & lay underneath the pressure
of my own cemetery -
for every person
I've failed to be.
Like Medusa, I've become a monstrosity
That is no longer mine to fear,
but the world's to bear.

I stay awake for night-time fireflies,
like me, they swim through the trees - lonely.
The way they close their wings like a coffin
    shutting out the world with animosity.
       They burn like me.

Your absence lingers with me,
Like a hole punched
into the pages
of my thoughts - right through the numbers.

You can't tell me that I'm fine,
|My body is a phantom weight|
I can almost see the light
It's gone - I cannot shake
That I'll never have the chance to change fate  
     Go back to before it wasn't too late.

With time, there are progressions into which nothing can reverse.
All can be lost in a moment
Where thoughts are cursed,
& times like these are my darkest.
So I'll set my dreams on fire
& dance across a wire
Walk the line
    To reach the other side
& end my fight

As far as life & death run:
All can be lost in a moment, yet never undone.

In this world; to love is to risk, to live is more than merely to exist, to exist in love is to wither, to live in constant risk is to wither your world.

I'll either sharpen fiction & stay within my mind,
or find the other side of this storyline,
where I'll be the protagonist this time.

The pills in my
hand break smiles
aimed at my
lips like a
bomb.
I swallow
the chemical
joy with a
glass of
tar and wait for
God
to wake up in
my skull.

(I am so sick
of speaking
words
that no one
can understand)

By: Ashton Conor Amstutz
Letting go of you is not a simple thing
The part of me with smiles
The breath in me that sings
Are gone.
In losing you, I lost my song.

You were my center, you were my sun
Together we were one
Small universe
Complete with our own laws
like finger kisses others saw
But didn’t understand
And hand drawn apparitions on the steamed up glass
And "honeys" and "I love you's"
Littering the past

The sun turns dark
The world spins backward
Soul mates part
And love lost laughter
And joy has tearful eyes
And I am made an actor
In a play I do not know
With lines I cannot utter
In scenes of letting go

Because it’s what you ask

Just know that when I do,

it is no simple thing,
the letting go of you.
The Letting Go of You
"Turn Cold"

For you,

I took the chain

from off my ribcage.

Opened my skin.

Left a key under your tongue

so you could let yourself in.

Lit a fire in my own stomach

to keep you warm.

Provided you shelter

from your own storm.

But when you walked out

I closed the door

at the cost of remaining whole ~

Because the one thing

I will not do

is let you

be the reason

I turn cold.

By: Ashton Conor Amstutz
I want to be the infection, then the only correction,
I want to leave the magenta mark; get out-perfection; a faceless false-perception.
I want to hear them thinking, as words are linking,
I want to speak the slender splinter; I'll resonate voice-shifting; inside of their minds-sifting.
I want to be a new type of lethal injection,
A 3.5mm-audio-jack defection, your get out-of-affliction.

I want to be your auditory addiction.


By: Ashton Conor Amstutz

[I want to leave
a lasting mark
a tiny act of defiance
in a temporary world]
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