Staring at every strand of noodle in my plate
as it swirls around my fork
that's the best I can do here
with you, all of you
so pretentious you
so self obsessed you
erasing the thin line between insults and fun
you, the ever so cocksmart, you
waiting for time to pass by
one millisecond at a time
raising my spoon, slowly,
doing injustice to its destiny of fulfilling
the tongues it touches
gulp
I can feel it, whole
lowering down my throat, part by part
being pulled down, like me by you
and down it goes
while I play with the next strand around the daunting fork.

I write about love, I hope to understand it someday.

I was engrossed in falling in love with Atticus Finch all over again,
when you came and sat before me in the train
I don't know why.

Without looking up, a side glance,
I started to judge you as you arranged your stuff
White side burns, specs from the forties
A pale yellow shirt with blue stained pocket
There was something about stains from ink pens
I found hypnotic, emanating wisdom I suppose
pants inches above your feet

I pretended to stop gauging you as you settled down
You smiled at me. Why would you smile at me?
Uncomfortable silence

"You know, that is my favorite book!"
Of course it is, it's a classic
"Mine too, reading it for the fourth time."

I heard the ice between us crackling and crushing

You took your wallet out and opened it
to where your wife's black and white picture resided
"Look, this is my gorgeous wife,
I am going to meet her where we met for the first time.
I hope the train reaches on time,
she hates it when I make her wait,
military father you know!"

I smiled at your sparkling eyes
caved in between the black circles of a fatigued life

"She is very beautiful, sir."

You laughed
"Of course she is, it was love at first sight.
Why were you telling me this?
I don't believe in love
I still remember a mischievous adolescent me,
ogling at her as she walked out of her home,
I followed her till the bus stand.
Half a step into the bus, and she turned around and walked towards me,
my heart forgot about its sole purpose.
You know what she did then?"

"Smitten by your charming etiquette, she kissed you?" I grinned at my wit

"Ha, I wish! She came red faced to me,
with innocent eyes trying to show off barren anger,
and she slapped me!
I had to pretend really hard that it hurt,
but oh! those flower soft hands,
they lingered for long on my blushed cheek."

We burst out laughing over your juvenile confession
fading into a never ending smile

"Finally one day, she turned around from the bus, but just smiled,
I lived a thousand lives in that split second.
I didn't see her for months after that.
smiling at her picture you almost cried
I had decided to stand on my own feet,
so I could ask her father for her hand in marriage.
Dare she say no now,
I'd steal her from the end of the world." You winked.

I went back to my book as you gave way to sleep
Sorry Atticus, your admiration is being shared

As I got down the train, I saw you
seated at the platform on a ***** wooden bench
with rusty brown scraps falling out of the wet wood

"Weren't you going to meet your wife, sir,
do you need any help?"

"This is where I saw her for the first time,
like you were talking to yourself
when she had gotten out of a train,
I missed mine after that of course.
you chuckled and then sighed with satisfaction
Look, here she comes!
ecstasy
Sit here my love,
I missed you.
I got you the bangles you had asked for,
you know I can't say no to you.
That mascara in your eyes my dear,
you take my breath away, every time,
like you did sixty years back.
Yes, I love you too.
Meet this kid from the train, don't scold me,
I told her everything about
how you swept me off my feet.
Remember, when your father held a gun to my throat
as I asked him for your hand,
he declared he would shoot if I even shivered,
I almost wet myself!"
you grinned and ****** back on one side,
like somebody mischievously hit your arm
from thin air

No I couldn't smile this time.
I looked in to your soulful eyes one last time
and turned towards the invisible figure.
"Nice to meet you, ma'am."
And I walked away, with tears trickling down my eyes.











.

The moon was the sign
her lover had sent of his arrival
Sand knew her wondrous Wave would follow
in the distance, he rose, carefree
an adolescent charm he knew she couldn't resist

His eyes sparkled at her
his smile was chicane and she knew it
she loved him and waited for him
every night, with her velvety white body lying, still
glowing like tiny pearls, shimmering

He gently brushed her, teased her
she moved closer to him with a gasp
every second of wait felt like forever
she wanted to be completely immersed
in his elemental being, and become him

He couldn't resist her incandescence any more
their waltz began in the moon's silky illume
He came to her with all emotions overcome
she gave herself completely, undone
to his ego, to his raw curvaceous sensuality

He defiled every particle of her being
till she gushed in agony
she knew him, only him, his heaving body
her sweaty self, in denial of the rising light
she lived only then, and every single night

He moved forth and back, through the night
their dance divine, her purity blinding
their distance nada, their souls combined
she moaned with pleasure, her sound chimed
till the horizon to him, she was beauty defined

Her body diddered, he felt her shiver
He lay beside till dawn broke his dream
She suspired as he turned his eyes away
but she knew, that night he would return
one sighing glance and he surrendered to the ocean

Their dance would continue till eternity.

I adore my country.

Sometimes enough to sacrifice its own(?)

Today, somebody's words awoke the ashes of my long dead heart
I know that was much more than mere fictional ink spilling out of a creative mind
I forgot how that felt, years back, you know, emotions
it reminded me of the excuses I gave to myself
for running away from relationships
for choosing to live alone
for not meeting my friends often
for not talking to my family for over a minute
for deciding I am simply not meant for marriage
and certainly not for ever having kids
their hurt, hurt me
and it felt like more than I could take
so I chose unattachedness over fragility
somehow, that strategy doesn't forge too well here
I am too seized by words to even try to be nonchalant towards my current better half
towards strangers over family
the rust has been removed from over my bemired emotions
pragmatism has been thrown to the dugout
those words have left my haven purged
and I am left befuddled, meditating over a paradox
They aren’t my carks, yet, I can't stop feeling them.

The flying didn't cease, nor did the gravity
but I stayed close to the ground
my mother had told me not to drift too far
but that one time I did
that one time, I,
I tried to stop, I really did
that day I saw the prodigy there was
that wasn't anymore
I saw sanctity gasping for breath
choking on its own emesis
it shouldn't have gotten so drunk on sin
an aura fighting to survive against pretention
hands holding on to a fading faith
slipping like a baby, yet, tripping and trying
my wings set ablaze by the heat of raging insanity

A memory that day was cast forever
A pithy precis comes charging to me

My eyes opened to what I assumed hell
an old man nominally clad in a tattered sheet
pressed a medicinal red cloth against my anguishing wounds
in a hut that barely stood up
hay dripped off its exiguity
drops of water leaked everywhere
but the 4 feet cot that I lay on
the gracing peacock feather near my feet
gave the only colour to my grey eyes

He shivered of his elderly age
that seemed younger than his wrinkles
poverty seemed to have worn him down
but not more than the wickedness around

"My child, are you feeling alright?"

Affrightened and confused by the terra incognita
I merely nodded in affirmation

My eyes looked around to discover a nurturing,
smiling face,
then to a corner with a *** of water
and food meagre for an infant
he took a morsel in a leaf
and presented to me what was left

"This is enough for me my dear,
do you mind finishing the rest,
it is a bit dry,
here, have it with some water instead
now eat well child,
you look like a stick for a girl your age."
then he smiled again,
and walked away
with nothing on his leaf, but the satisfaction of a whole on his face

I looked at the dry bread crumb
moistened by a drop of my tear
trying to force his bites through
I wasn't ready for the hope he shared
my throat was taking bath in ice
his altruism healed my bubble that was burst
this wasn't the insanity that burnt my wings
this was the one that stole a morsel of my love.

Frustrated
Butchering my nails
Counting the split-ends in my hair
Pulling them apart
One-strand-at-a-time
Staring at every scar on my body
Pulling the skin off my wounds
Bemused in exhilerating agony
There has to be an end to this madness
Put some sugar and wait for a house fly
Cover it with your hand
Feel it crawl and buzz, under your skin
Feel it shouting for mercy
Does it tingle, tingle enough, stop, then tingle again
You think it has reached your epitome of frustration
Did that make you feel better about yourself
Stare into space, make sure it is pitch dark
Wait for an epiphany
Tick-tock tick-tock
Take a vase and throw it at the wall-clock
Tick-tock tick-tock
That is the flaw with time travel
Time doesn’t stop
Your presence in the past where you don’t belong will not lead to your present and in turn to the past
Bottom line, you cannot **** with time
Every second you spent frustrated for the lack of time
That every second pointed its finger at you and gave out an evil grin
Can you feel it crawling under your epidermis
Go sit under a tree, with pigeons, those fluffy grey nothings
Let them **** on you, your hair, your branded shirt
When you stink enough pull the trigger, bang!
Watch its neck as it satiates the black and white canvas with red
Does it inspire you
You are lost and struggling and lonely, and frustrated without a thought, that counts
You are probing for purpose you may abhor
Your non-existant muse died as a fetus
You are now limit infinity tending to zero.

Screeeeeeeechhh!
Thud!
Silence!
Hearts stopped
Faces turned
Jaws dropped
Prayers began

He left his assembled bricks and wood and furniture
and ran
ran towards the sunset
with nothing
but his silhouette following him
even years later
it felt like yesterday
possessed
he ran as fast as he could

Prayers began
blurry shapes hoarded around the car
his eyes refused to close
against the horror
of what lay beside
his high crushed
into water
his delusion failed him
his brain froze

He ran as fast as he could
to the beach
wanting to walk into the water
wanting to stop breathing
seeking unfathomable peace
that final peace

His brain froze
get out of the car
people shouted
was a life lost
he didn’t dare to find out
he just wanted
a few seconds back
just a few
seconds
back
please

That final peace
eluded him
waves silenced
by his cornucopia of emotions
his eyes now refused to open
the saltiness of the beach
was overcome
by tears
that flowed in secrecy
inflaming everything within reach
embracing his cheeks
toying with his lips

Please
callanambulance
sheisbleeding
somebody
tieyourshirta­roundherbleedinghead
isittoolate
is it too late

Toying with his lips
tears turning into questions
could I ever forgive myself
his sobbing heart
didn't acknowledge the question
it just faded
he lived
with himself
he died within

Is it too late
his wife asked
holding his hands
breathing heavily
her eyes averred
every moment that they shared
their feuds
their make ups
their teasing
their loving
her eyes were done speaking
and now they rested

He died within
wailing like a baby
he slept there
with parched eyes
reminiscing her parting words
etched in his heart
etched so deep
that it bled internally
bled and ached
to release a shriek through muteness
muteness, deafening
deafening his emotions
making them oblivious to his existence
his fists clenching
the vacuum of solitude
the moon and waves began their tango
and the water rose
higher and higher
embracing him within
maimed to be saved
releasing a gushing hymn
for she was now deemed
forever with him.

I walked down the quiet roads filled with daffodils
Our feelings merged and made a beautiful green
The lamppost stood there, sighing, waiting
Waiting for my silhouette like everyday in the evening

The rain fought with the breeze for my longing touch
Drops flirted with my hair and merged into dew
Water caressed in through my parted lips
And I tasted, bland, reminiscent of how I feel without you.

He burnt away my eyes,
he said it would make it much easier,
to beg, so I traded it for fear.

I was a little above five, wandering,
on streets a motley of black,
may be not, but my eyes couldn't distinguish the lack.

People would throw coins into my glass,
burnt eyes led to anticipated pitying,
towards the miniaturised cauldron of the dire I lived in.

I went to my master’s garage during my perceived evenings,
my hands felt the swerves of cars and formed shapes in my mind,
and before I departed, I would leave my glass behind.

Blitzed, he would hit me at times I didn’t collect enough,
I wouldn’t run away, the known seemed less horryifying,
than to trip against invisible, in the trying.

I survived each day, stayed thankful for life,
unfair as it may seem, my other senses were in poise,
and I learnt to see through reflections of noise.

He took away my eyes, my dreams stayed invincible,
so I left into a world, incognito,
my master waited for me that night, never to discover though.

I couldn’t steal, so I continued to beg,
I hitchhiked to stores, for a loaf of bread,
but God resolved to bless me with a stranger, instead.

He put me to work, for food and shelter,
little did I know my pay was in kind,
the kind was love, against everything left behind.

Sometimes he read to me, stories with happy endings,
he bid me goodnight before he would move on,
a word I recently learnt, to not be an oxymoron.

He taught me to read in braille,
being blind is no excuse he adjudged to me,
he couldn’t return my sight, so a vision he gave me.

Every night I cried myself to sleep,
for the choking in my throat helped me to believe,
believe in my angel disguised, so I cried myself to sleep.

He gave me fortitude against the vice,
he gave me words, and the power it imbibed,
and he taught me to live, when I just survived.

Well.. if you must know!
our next door neighbour Mrs. Blue,
she and her husband are like rubber and glue,
So what does she do behind his **** back,
shhh..she dates her oompa loompa butler instead

Oh? tell me more Mrs. Snotnose!

Everyone knows I don't like to gossip!
I am not making this **** up right!
there's a rumour going on about that sneaky Mrs. White
(whisper)..She took some fat off her ****,
to hide that ugly mole of a nut!

(giggle) Bejesus!, really?

Of course Mrs. Dullardmost!
Wait till you hear about Mrs. Brown,
she wore a fake necklace to the charity event at Hotel Crown!
but not everyone is elegant and classy like me,
the sweet natured that I am, you know I let people be

Oh Mrs. Snotnose, you are the epitomy of noesis!
(I would have been on my way,
had it not been for all your delighting prey)
how is dear Mrs. Red doing after that,
you know, that.. incident in her flat?

Oh dear, who doesn't know about that flat incident!
but you know I dont like to pry!
you couldn't take it out of me even if you would try!
I couldn'tell you what I saw through her window,
but um, well, if you really must know!

I sense a placidity stirring into a storm,
a tempest of wilderness rising within,
all my senses trying to keep me from swooning,
my breath fighting like it's the last puff,
an awe stopping my heartbeat,
yet a sense of beingness keeping me alive,
when you explore me with your eyes.

It was right here
look very carefully,
can't recall its culmination
misplaced it in a dally

I remember having it,
smiling at me,
touch it and it would recoil
like a diffident flower,
under drops of rain
with eyes shut tight
it would look up for the stars,
when it would smile
it would sparkle
the innards of its heart,
for tear filled eyes
the sound of mother's feet
was its purest art,
twilight would settle in
against the tantrums
and rumblings of friends,
a penny in those tiny hands
would make it rush
for comics to the world's end,
to every television add
"please bring me this dad"
was its enduring reaction,
barely open lazy eyes in the morning
would fight with mom for just
two more minutes of sleep filled elation,

I could be sure
it was right here,
It slipped like sand
from my tiny clenched hand,
I looked and crushed
to realise in the end,
I lost it is clear,
all it left is a tear,
my innocence so dear,
my innocence, so dear

It's my special place
where I talk to people
I'm not afraid
of the dark and lone
I find my solace
                 ...in the thoughts that race
When I open my eyes
                 ...I find it gone
Don't take it away from me
my right to be alone
It's my special place
where I talk to people
where I am me
and the people is me
It makes me smile
It makes me sad
but it's my special place
and it's all myself
It's where I hide
It's where I belong
It’s where I live,
where I am never alone

As my small fingers,
try to fit through yours
more than words,
eyes express through silence for hours

Seeing you
in vain,
petty,
petty feels
my pain

You start a playlist
of good old rock songs
open a book
and start reading it along
you get up for a cup of coffee and,
you realize the songs
have stopped playing,
the playlist is over,
probably for long has been
That's when you know,
you know,
you got lost in your love
you are going to feel sad,
when it nears its end,
you are going to lose
a true best friend,
only to make
a new one again.

You smiled at me
with a beaming hope,
that I would make the world
an upward *****
It will be difficult to climb
but in the end,
I know,
it's where you want to elope

A smile for a smile,
a tear for one
A pinch of reality,
innocence come undone
Yes, at the top,
there will be love,
and trees,
and flowers,
and chocolates my dear one

You looked up and asked,
with eyes big and white
if,
I would climb there with you alright
with a gentle smile,
a kiss on your forehead
Just open your heart,
I will be in sight

There you are,
I have to look up at you now
you tell me the world here,
is happy and pure
you explore and yet,
there is so much to know
But now you have the strength,
to understand it so

A drop of dew
in the dawning light,
the eyes of pearl,
an angel in disguise,
I touched a heart
so pure and fine,
I felt the innocence,
so divine.