What I need you to understand is that my depression is not just a blanket of sadness laid on top of me.
It is a snowball effect of years worth of disappointments and self judgment .
Piling one traumatic event upon another.
Slowly immobilizing me and holding me captive inside my own mind.
Finding no light underneath the avalanche.
Understand that simple exercise and sun cannot fix this.
This is forever imprinted onto my mind.
Understand… please
for me…

Sometimes I sleep with the lights on so the darkness doesn’t consume me.
So the darkness within my mind doesn’t leak it’s way into the outer world  and mesh into depressive thoughts racing around my room and not only in my mind.
This darkness is far more terrifying then any childhood monster could be.
Creeping it’s way into my bed and luring me to sleep only to terrorize me in my dreams.
Whispering in my ear how worthless I am and now I should continue to sleep forever.
My depression is my boogey man.
Terrorizing me at night when it knows I’m the most vulnerable.
This is why I sleep with the lights on most nights.

Ana has made her debut once again.
Telling me that I’m not
pretty enough.
skinny enough.
worth enough.
All I want is to look like other girls around me.
To grasp the affection from lovers.
But how do I expect myself to grasp love if Ana is taking every ounce of myself with her.
I don’t even have the strength nor energy to grasp the protein shake that’s been flung right in front of me.
I know Ana is toxic but yet her burning words sound so sweet.
Too sweet.
Her burning words keep me burning countless calories.
Giving me only enough energy to listen to her.
Ana has made her debut once again and I am once again begging her to leave.

“Don’t cross oceans for people who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you” they say but how do I tell them that that’s all I’ve ever known. Is to push myself beyond my limits for those around me. To be nice. To be compassionate. To be there. I would do anything for someone to cross waters for me but yet crossing a simple puddle is “too hard” for them. Too much effort. Too big to ask for. But when will it finally be my turn for someone to come swimming out to me in this dark depressing ocean?

Al's been my friend since I was in the seventh grade.
I remember meeting him and instantly feeling his gravitational pull.  
Instantly becoming friends that were inseparable.
He was the only one there for me through the rough and happy moments.
From reckless teenage days all the way to long college nights.
Sadly, things took a turn and our friendship has become a dependency.
I need Al to fall asleep.
To go to class.
To function.
How do I tell O'le Al that this friendship has to end?
O'le Alcohol... I'm sorry.. this friendship has to come to an end...
I think it's time we both go our separate ways.

For you can recite all you may
but what is there left to say?
After all the sorrow has fallen like spring pollen,
there is still emptiness in your words.
A hollowness in your being.
No life in your eyes.
What was the point of apologizing if you knew forgiveness was not around the corner?
But yet non-existent

Do not mourn the loss of me for death is natural.
We are born, live, die, and then become memories.
For I am always going to be with you and generations to come.
Stories upon stories of foggy memories.
Do celebrate my life.
Do not cry but smile with my journeys end.
Death is unstoppable.
Inevitable.
Forth coming.
It’s simply natural.
For I have lived decades worth of smiles, joy, and hope.

No one sees the internal struggling.
The screams scratching their way up to the surface.
Endless nights crying an ocean into my pillow.
Everyone busy living lives while I am trapped inside my head.
Struggling.
Trying day after day to reach out only to be told that they are too busy to read my simple texts of despair or hear my whispers filled with screams.
"There will be better days ahead" is all I hear but my question is when?
When will those days come because all I can see are storm fog filled nights.
I am
Struggling.

The day Ana settled in was the day my world stopped.
Time froze for me.
Everyone around me living and I was rotting.
Busy counting calories and watching my eyes slowly sinking deep into my head.
My "friends" meeting Ana and only encouraging her to continue her path of destruction with me.
I was dying and they were giggling.
Ana stole my life.
So scared of people seeing me, that I never left my room in fear of people seeing my bald spots.
Oh, did I mention Ana also took clumps of my hair?
Ana destroyed me but I overpowered her.
I claimed back my life.
The day Ana left was the day I finally was free

Dear 16 year old me,
                                     Life is worth living.
Two years from now you end up moving three hours away and meeting two of your best friends in the entire world.
You write a book.
Sell your art like you've wanted to since you were nine.
Express who you really are.
Get the confidence to finally get the help you need.
Fall deeply in love while simultaneously experiencing heartbreak.
There will be trials that will seem like you'll never overcome but trust me, you will and you'll come out even stronger than before.
Life is worth living.
I know you're contemplating on ending it but please believe me when I say life gets better.
Not easier, but better.
I love you and our life
                                          From,
            ­                                         20 year old me

She stood from the outside only hoping to be among the others.
Wondering why she couldn't show her love.
Infuriated but yet so scared of how the world would view her.
Second guessing her past, current,and future moves.
Go out or Stay in.
"Why must I hide you, love?"
"Because, you'll lose those most precious to you and from there, there is no going back"
Deciding she would rather keep her family and stay private rather than lose those closest to her, she held her wife in the tightest grasp and whispered
"I'm sorry my love. There's always tomorrow"

No matter what I do, I'm always being told what I'm doing wrong.
"Just stop! You can't do anything right!"
"Why do you do the things you do?!"
"Can't you do anything right?"
As I sit in this lonely bed tonight, all I can think of is how I'm the screwup of my life.
How I will never achieve the statuses my elders have.
How I keep letting those around me down.
I am the screwup.
Nothing more and nothing less.

It's 10:17 AM and my anxiety is eating me alive.
I feel as if I'm being swallowed whole.
No matter how far I run, He always finds me.
He sinks his teeth into my skin with no warning.
As much as I want to run and hide, I can't seem to move.
It's 10:17 AM and my heart is pounding louder than the car noises outside my window and I can't seem to find the oxygen to breathe.

I am a fragile shard of glass.
Rigid on all sides.
Ready to hurt what comes next.
But, what you haven't seen is me at my full masterpiece.
Fully pieced together and showing the beauty of the world.
Someone broke me, though.
Shattered me.
Now,
I am just a fragile shard of glass.
Ready to scar what first scarred me.