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Megan Van Zetten Jan 2020
When I call on you please do not pick up
I’m stuck trying to convince my heart that its time to give up
All of your games, I haven’t had enough
but I need to walk away, because you don’t feel the same
I’m not bitter and I wont point the blame,
because my hearts broken into pieces of hurt and shame
You tell me love doesn’t just end, but I guess I am just not the tough
You had him and you had me,
and this messed up plan
I had you and I and this crazy dream
But I gave you the control when I went all in
I gave it my all, I thought I had the perfect hand
but I guess those weren’t the cards I was dealt
you played me like a fool, am I the only one who felt this was real?
I had no idea you’d play so cruel, you took everything I gave
ran my heart straight into the grave
6 feet under you don’t even care, you just want me to endure more pain
You’ve gone you’re own way, you left me without a goodbye
but you come back to remind me whats no longer mine
to be fair, love had made me blind
remember drinking whiskey and telling me how I made you believe
that love is real and youre beginning to feel
but it was all just a fantasy, an illusion I was too naïve too see
guess drunk words aren’t always the truth
because you had your own little secrets, and I had too much to lose
you used to be my high, but all good things die
and I guess every sad song needs a muse.
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2020
You took a part of me
That will be replaced with agony
You'll never understand the damage
But I'll pack it up
Add it to all my baggage
My soul is drying out
My soul has become empty
All that is left is cobwebs in the space
Megan Van Zetten Apr 2020
The sun shines,
and I see mystery within your eyes
beaming light creating mystical little galaxies
that I want to  stare into for eternity.
I want to see your eyes cry,
I want to see them in the rain,
I want to see them when you first wake up in the morning
and when you have stayed up all night,
I want to see them when you lie,
and when they light up from happiness
I want to see how your eyes change with each season,
I want to see them looking back at me with love,
I want to see the reflection of the mountains and oceans in them while we travel.
I want to see them glow staring at me while we dance at our wedding
I want to see the eyelids around them get wrinkly as we age, I want to see them until the day I die.
eye love you,
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2018
Deep eyes that held her secrets captive

Her lips that tell a thousand lies

Her hands that I gave my heart and she tore it in sunder

Calming whispers that led me astray

The one who broke me

The one I didnt know I would ever love
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2018
High tides in the wicked waters, she led me ashore
She pulled me from the undertoe
She saved me on my darkest nights
Drowned out my sorrows for a sort while
Silenced the demons in my mind, rescued me from myself
She was my temporary fix, she was my false solution
Medicated, numbing but soothing
I used her to get through the abyss
I am supposed to leave her alone,
But when I was alone, she gave me comfort.
I found love in the bottle.
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2018
Sitting on the ledge, looking down, im scared of heights
My stomach is turning, but oddly this feels right
This was our secret hide out, to keep the world in our rear view mirror
But nothing seems the same without you here
I knew we'd never work out, a secret is one for a reason
But I wish I could figure out what it was
But all i remember was feeling my heart go with you the day you said you were leaving
Everynight we stayed up here and knew that once the sun came up again, our little rendezvous would end
But there was always the next time,
And now im wishing I could rewind to the days I thought you were mine
Why did we have to lie? Why were we a lie?
Why didnt I get a real goodbye?
Part of me hopes its because its not fully over,
But I know you got another lover, who holds you at night and you got away with everything
And left me heartless with nothing
i would of died for you,
But you were so cruel, and maybe that should of been a clue
But I had none, i was a hopeless romantic
But now I am a stone cold lunatic and cant get my mind on the right track,
I wish I knew how to cut myself some slack, but I cant help blame myself for not being the one who got you back
All our memories burn like the bottom of the bottle of jack,  that used to be the taste of your lips,
Its getting cold up here and my mind keeps playing the tapes of us,
Smiling and watching the sunset
But *******, for using me the way you did
But **** me i cant blame you because I let you
i cleaned up your messes, gave you a hand to help you out of holes you dug yourself in
I put myself in flames for you, and thats the truth
I did it to myself, and I got the scars as proof
I let you talk down to me, but you were my heaven that caused me hell
My angel, with the halo
That ended up being the devil
But I still love you and ill bail you out, clean up the mess and i dont want thwre to be an end
**** im Codependant and I need you for real
They say time works but i feel like this is a wound that wont heal
How can I mend a heart I dont have anymore?
That left with you out that door
But ill still be loyal and protect your name
Because to me this wasnt a game
But if it was one for you id always go all in
But youre gone, and im watching this sun setting alone, because in reality thats what is real
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2020
slow death
quick sand
I reach out for your hand,
you turn away
I've been crying out for you for so long
we were supposed to last a lifetime
my antidote
turns into my poison
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2018
Help me out, im suffocating in this dry drought
What is this emotion taking over me?
Im a ******* pyscho my head is spinning like a cyclone
So consuming, breath taking, im hyperventilating.
Nobody realizes this chaos happening inside of me
I feel like i am raging, contemplating these pills hid away
Sitting here, bags under my eyes
Ive become someone I dispise, again
How did this happen?
Im scared to ******* death, not of dying but the next breath
I dont have much left to give,
And not much will left to live.
Havent numbed out in so long, caude im terrified of failuare
Embarassed of needing to start over,
And i stay quiet because mental relaspe is just another thing in my own brain,
Its not real, its just part of being insane
But im right back to square one even if a bottle hasnt touched my lips
Im one this steep ***** and im about to ******* slip
How did this become something I missed ?
Thoughts about escaping, im going crazy
Dont know when this story is ending
My demons have their hands aroind my neck, suffocating
Turning blue its ******* sick im finding enjoyment
In my blood vessles bursting, waiting for the end
As the voices are slowly fading in the background
They are no longer so loud,
Dont wanna feel my heart pound
Jumping seems like the only way out of my clouded mind
Been searching for a sense of peace, maybe its not mine to find
Maybe it'll be waiting for me on the other side
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2020
Empty my saddened heart
Release the anguish in my soul
The fury is in my mind
My chaotic broken being
Hallowed out body for the taking
Stop the hurt in my veins
You ruined me
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2018
Drowning from inside out, choking up blood
Suffucating from these thoughts
I am about to succumb from this flood
You turned my beating heart into this knot
That i wish i was able to wrap around my neck
You made me believe in love when you seen I was a wreck
But you had no intentions of reciporcating
You sit there and watch me fading
It was all a lie, illusions that i cant make real
Doesnt change the fact there was truth in how you made feel
Now im the laughing joke, another game won
You get to walk away instead of dealing with the damage you have done.
So when i down this bottle to numb this pain
When i swallow these pills in hopes it takes me away
Will you remember my name?
Will you know that regardless of the heart wrenching throb inside
Regardless of the fact every one of your "i love yous" were a lie
That you were the name forever engraved on my heart
And i have meant everything since the start
That the loss of your love, your beauty
Was enough to trigger my insanity
So i hope you know even when im gone,
When laying in the grave this heartbreak dug for me
I loved you all along,
I just chose to be set free
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2018
The voices come alive and loud when I take a trip into my mind alone
Reminding me to not let our secret out
I'm back at it again, came back to you
Something I swore I'd never do
But we share a love, that only we know
You bring me up when I'm down,
But I cant keep you around!
I was only going to try it one time,
Than became twice, been a year and now I'm beginning to believe my own lies
This life is no longer mine, where the **** have I went?
Who the **** am I ?
Head spinning, cant stop thinking when I'll get another line
Our love is deadly, its killing me
Each day I wake up starving for that quick release
They say get on my knees, pray, ask god to free me
But I'm held hostage to this disease because at one point it was my saving grace
But I look in the mirror and I'm a ******* disgrace
How can something that makes you so high, end up making you want die
****! I'm done with this ****, God I surrender, take this from me
Thought I had control over this situation,
But nobody has control over this deadly addiction
My mind racing and spinning over this obsession
So God PLEASE forgive me, show me some direction
Cant do it myself, like I thought that I could
Going to do it right this time, fearlessly put my all in
Because by myself this isnt a battle I can win
This disease is cunning baffling and powerful
Gonna pick up the book and pray for a ******* miracle
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2020
My life goes by like clockwork
Everyday ticks by
Repeating the motions of yesterday
Megan Van Zetten Apr 2018
"You said you would go anywhere with me, are you ready to prove it?"
She says as she holds her hand out, so comforting.
Confused but trusting I grasp onto it, as we board the train.
I'd follow her anywhere, this doesnt seem so bad
The lights begin to flicker, the skies turn from rays of sunshine to black
And something doesnt seem right about these tracks, but it's too late to turn back.
I'm stuck on here until its over
It begins to become colder
it must just be a glitch, this is nothing, I can handle this
I have to be strong so she doesnt sense my fear
I need to be the one who protects her she chose me to come on this ride to hell with
I lean over to give her a kiss and feel nothing, she disappeared
Open my eyes and turn to see her 2 rows up next to him
She turns back, smiles with a smirk on her face
As the train hits the breaks, this is my chance to get out and run, I can save myself from this train wreck
I get up and walk to the back door, I just need to get off and save myself
Before I step off I look at her blue eyes,
Stare at me in disappointment
maybe I should stay incase she needs help,
I walk back to my seat and sit down
Those pericing blue eyes staring at me turned firey red
"You ******* coward you were going to leave me for dead?"
I have come to the realization what this ride is
We are going to crash, as I see the cliff and broken tracks ahead
Why the **** didnt I get off? She doesnt need me she has him instead
This must be a bad dream, as I start hitting my head
Wake the **** up! This isnt real!
This ******* love is like a jail, I should of ran but its too late now
We are about to go down..
How could she do this to me? Bring me on this death trap
She begins to laugh while watching me suffer
I did this all for a lover, I did this all to prove something to her
I go back to the door, its open, but the trains still going
I can jump out of this misery, but it is going to hurt like hell...
Regardless this isnt going to end well,
I dont want to jump, I cant stand the thought of the never ending pain,
As I turn back at her, she stands up and smiles at me and lights a match and flickers it onto the floor of the train
Im ****** either way, so I close my eyes and jump as far as I can
I open my eyes to see the bruises and scrapes all over my body
Close my eyes and lay back, the pain is excruciating
I hear a chuckle next to me, open my eyes and see her standing next to me
Dressed in white, like an angel
I try to get up but im in to much pain
"Oh foolish girl the real question is why would you get on that train with me?"
You see love comes with a price, especially when youre playing my game.
Her blue eyes turn that evil red again, her halo turns to horns
Im not your lover, I was just the ring leader in this twisted fantasy
You should of never been so trusting
You lost because you couldnt play it smart
You cant think with your stupid little heart
Maybe next time youll be able to see people for who they really are
Just a devil really good at playing her part.
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2020
1:30 am, I just smoked my first cigarette
To bad this won't help my mind forget
All the things they said
Doesn't silence the voice in my head
Can't numb out with the bottom of a bottle
Can't escape what's in my mind
With little white lines
Can't run from what I feel with these little pills
So I self medicate with this cold blade
Maybe blood will make it fade
Maybe voices will silence if I write it on my skin
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2020
Caress me with your strong hands
Tell me to keep my mouth shut
Grab my neck so I can't speak
Cold fingers going into my pants
The harder I push, the more rough you are
No matter the strength I use
Compared to you, I am weak
You get what you wanted, you leave
I lay on this cold floor
I don't even want to breathe
Megan Van Zetten Jan 2020
I have broken my own heart too many times
          waiting for you to love me the way I love you
                                I should love myself the way I love you
                                    I should hate you for hurting me, not hate myself
                                                                 But if you cant love me who can?

— The End —