I'd do anything to make them stop
Over and over these intrusive thoughts
But my demon has a tight hold
And she's not letting go

Would anybody even notice?
A missing narcissist

I think about it everyday now
It's like a nightmare that follows me to the day
When I can sleep anyway

It sticks in the back of my mind like a cancer
Even in my happiest moments I still think about it

It would be so easy
All I have to do is pull the trigger
Yet here I am living with it

Birds sound in the distance
Closed eyelids stain red
Sunlight brushes tanned skin
Smells of grass fill the air

A moment of content
Short but sweet
In this ending moment of peace

There will be no more arguing
No more name calling
No more stress
Things will move smoother
No more worrying
No more panic

Things will get better
When I'm gone

Is it physical
Is it emotional
Is it metaphorical

Does it matter
Because in the end
It still bleeds

I have these full blown conversations in my head
Of everything I want said
What I feel why I feel
I even get a response
Im here to listen I understand
But when reality comes crashing in
I open my eyes and no one is there
No one is listening and no one understands
I don't know what I feel or why I feel it
But at least I have these conversations in my head

A glance below
Reveals a mudded water
Reflecting the city lights from above

Tightly closed eyes
Squeeze out the few tears that remain
A wind so cold it slices through the skin

The pretend future flashes in the dark
A writer
Who's work stands tall with the best

As this battle runs on repeat
Sanity becomes a luxury
That can't seem to be purchased anymore

At least now the weather outside
Matches what's going on inside

It's not the silent scream that scares me
It's the gasp my body makes after

I'm not sure if pain is the right word
Maybe guilt is more accurate
Whatever it is
It's doing a great job
At eating me alive

A general term I feel
Though my mother would disagree
She would say
It's the perfect term to describe me

Today I had a new sensation
I wanted to cry
And I couldn't
Now I'm left to wonder
Why

My ears hear static
The sirens so loud
I open my mouth to scream
But the words won't come out

My stomach knotted
The falling sensation won't stop
Nausea fills my chest
I try and take a deep breath

As all my warning signs go off

Sometimes the light
Isn't enough to out the dark
Sometimes silence
Isn't enough to bring peace
Sometimes fear
Isn't enough of a warning
Sometimes finding someone to love
Isn't enough

I can feel myself drifting
The white noise so loud
It blurries my already hazy vision
I don't know where I'm going
I'm not sure if I'm scared anymore
Or if I'm just tired of it all
My body feels so heavy
I don't know how it moves anymore
I'm so angry at me
Why cant I get off of my drifting sea
I don't know

Today my demon asked "why won't your feet move?"

I feel my broken lips turn into a frown looking forward at my smirking demon I say
"You should know, you were the one who nailed them into this never melting ice"

As her smirk grows and a full boasted laugh erupts from her broken lips she turns her bloodshot eyes to look right into mine and says "No sweetheart that was all you"

Red eyes
Dried lips
White icy fingertips
Cracked smiles
Hazy gazes
Blood stained phrases
White noise brings
Soft whispers
Playing games

I close my eyes
To be transported to a dream
Where I'm sitting on my knees
In a white box

As a black liquid slowly fills the space
I feel almost suffocatingly numb
It's like concrete cementing me here
Colder than dry ice
It slices through my skin
Like a sewing needle to soft cotton

I grab my shoulders and squeeze
Feeling myself start to shake
As I am engulfed
By my fears and past mistakes

Sometimes I escape
To a far away place
Where the screams are muffled
And the tears dry up
Where my memories can slowly fade away
Today I went to that place
And tonight I have to return
To my reality
Where the screams take place
The tears turn red
And the memories become nightmares

I see my mirror ahead
Black stainless pieces chipped floating away
I can see myself on the other side
My long hair twisted with rage
My burning gray eyes filled with my mistakes
The scarlet red tears that stream down my face
The black from my soul slowly eating me away
As one black stained arm slowly reaches toward me through my mirror
I see it
My future
I feel the scarlet warm on my cheeks
As my mirrored hand slowly wraps itself around my neck
The sweet metallic smell of steel fills my nose
I open my mouth to scream
As I beg my demon
For forgiveness

Such a small word
Yet said right
Does the most damage

Eyes closed tight
With the sounds of the night
Filling me with fright

Be a good girl they said
It constantly plays in my head
I wake to my bed

And I smell the flowers
Just like they said