Went looking for the devil &
found myself staring at my own reflection.
What's it like to feel so alive on beliefs by the hands of converted faith.
I'm tired of fighting my own thoughts &
Fed up with always questioning everything that breaths.
Removed myself from my mind left me
happily resilient & vague.
Is this living or just existing?

I had a one night stand with conditional love and that ended in a tragedy.
I've been flirting with romances for quite some time and that left me melancholily hollow.
I got caught on a fling by a romance based on lies and left holes in my brain.
Now I keep my eyes hidden, my ears muffled, and my mouth shut.
From coming in contact with unconditionally love.
I heard she was a sight for sore eyes  but I'm afraid to say.
I haven't met her yet.

Placed a gun upon the palm of my hand.
I pulled the trigger, blood ran a river,
flowing down my fingers tips.
Vacant body, stirred up soul, still singing hollow words.
Not a *******, I'm just dying to understand the meaning of my existence?
Most people go through life
Searching for happiness.
But I believe they're misguided.
I sail through life questioning everything I don't understand and I don't understand me.

Finding meaning is like chasing a fugitive but what if meaning isn't to be found? What if meaning is to be made ?

My life is simple, boring & slightly myopic

I made something out of nothing.
Yet something doesn't seem to fill the nothing in my mind.
I've come to reason without reasonable explanations.
That terms died & facts burned.
I'm naturally a melancholy note ringing in dissonance through morbid melodies.

I'm a lot like a fish.
baiting myself in a lake full of surfacing hooks.
Attached to flinging romances.

"No one loves a flower when it withers away"

He navigates on hope and will
With no sense of direction
Surviving only on memories and inspirations
Forsaken
Adrift
A castaway
In search of something more than destiny
Something more than storms and uncertainties
Navigator
I am the map you navigate

Her-
"I can careless, that you're hurt.
You deserve this & more "
She swore & wore hate perfectly on her skin as a dress.

Him -
"I love her down to her very existence,
I love her inconsistently, unconditionally, with flaws at seam.
But it seems that her love for me was elsewhere & so was she."

I-
I undress her every weekend night.
To fill her insides with expired love & lust.
As thoughts & images of him shapeshift inside her head.
I feel like a stained glass artist.
Broken fragments after fragments, restore, recovered, painting over this mind of hers.
To hide the regret, shame, pain, & dignity,
She's thrown away for me.
He had you, you had him.
Now I have you & I don't want you.

Love wasn't meant for everyone.
Sometimes we come to terms & terms themselves have unfold in idle form.
Loving someone from head to toe, skin, flesh, & soul.
Doesn't mean much anymore.

All the love in the world couldn't compare to the love I had for you
If the oceans dried up, rivers evaporated, streams and all bodies of water dissipated
My love for you would fill the worlds water supply and overflow it.
I'm like vine roots growing on your masonry surface.
Hidden in the cracks of your structure walls.
It became abundantly clear that love didn't chemically reconstruct in your brain.
I guess, I'm obsess with being depress over you or obsess in love with you.
But I know history has shown we've always been on completely different terms. All you want is my presence because time has convince you that you miss it. But that's all you want.
I on the other hand don't miss you. I want you in your complete form.
I'm obsess with your pearly white straight teeth . You never needed braces.
I'm obsess with your round shape eyes . They stood out like your round shape cheeks.
I'm obsess with your artificial dimples.
But your face has always looked so perfectly flawless naked.
Your outer beauty will never compare to your inner ugly.
Yet somewhere deep inside your ugliness
I found happiness.
Or so I believed.

There's an ocean in my mind,
dissolving in dissonance.
As fragments of reminisce,
Stab me like knifes.
Lighthouse in my heart
started flickering,
the moment you set sail.

I woke up feeling like saving the world, I wanted to find a cure.
That same night before I fell asleep, I told myself I would find a way to fix poverty.
Then I woke up the next day not giving a **** anymore.
It's funny the way our minds are ever changing.
Constantly swimming up and down a stream of never ending thoughts.
How can we possibly settle, find comfort, or happiness.
When we're constantly migrating from one thought to another in a matter of milliseconds.

This town is burying me alive,
the weight of my thoughts are too heavy to handle.
These pixels used to form a peaceful picture.
Now my choices trail mistakes.
Drowning myself in alcoholic bottles,
Till my body is numb and emotionless.
Swallowing pills to create four hours of solace.
To ease my mind and leave me expressionless.

Drunk, numb, and fainted.
Just to find myself laying in bed.
Awoken, sober views tainted.
Tracing lines inside sore eyes,
Trying to find clear sights.
Clarity, where do I find clarity these days?

Detoxing the same old story, different chapter but the pages read the same.
24 years written inside 24 pages of this book.
Valediction, but not vindicated

Where has time went ?
Where have I been?
Lost in shame.
Lost in shame.
Lost in shame.

I'm not who I used to be.
I'll never be the person my thoughts imagine me to be.
I'm not who I used to be.
I'll never be the man the world wants me to mold myself to be.
I'll never be anyone or anything.
I'll always be that lost little kid
Walking In circles inside the idea of who I'm suppose to be.

As I lay here unfolding, bending, and breaking from the inside out
Recycling every memory,
every emotion in my life

I picked myself up and thanked pain for giving me the strength to feel alive again

Every cycle is the same
Every cycle is different
Inside of me, outside of me
The heart repeats

If I could cut the pieces off this so called god's flesh & feed it to the poor, I would.
So they wouldn't starve or grow hungry again.
If I could sever this so called god's bones & distributed to the homeless, I would.
So they could built a home & shelter themselves from agony.
If I could carve out this holy gods heart & organs, I would.
So I could commence humanities peace surgery.
I'd  free all humans from this disease called unconditional war & misery.
If I could encapsulate this divine god's tears, I would.
So I could spread them like rain & heal humanities pain.
If I could... I would... But sadly I can't.

Every now and then I lay awake at night.
Staring out my window as the moonlight covers me in bedsheets made of allusions piercing through my half-shut curtains.
Reminding me to pray, even though there's no gods to pray too.
Faith escapes through my finger tips and I've learned so graciously to live being lost.
I've learned to unconditionally love the angst in my veins and embrace the pessimist that I am.

I fell in love with a beautiful koi fish
One jaded day she swam up stream and didn't comeback
I've been fishing in the rain
Baiting her
Then one miserable day
She swam downstream and came back
they say"por la voca muere el pez"
And you took the bait
now you're dead.
I'm left wondering why do I keep feeding the fish that dies and reincarnates
To leave , whirlpools , maelstroms , and broken waterfalls inside of my brain.

Fleeting thoughts came and went
Like airplanes in airports
As I stay up most nights
Having pillow talks with your cheetah print pillow
speaking of moments, memories, and your saliva stains
From the way you used too drool
on my bedsheets still remain
A funny fossilized idea
I hold dearly
overthinking that one day
I would wake up
And your presence would suddenly exist in the empty space you created
Threads of your autumn hair fall on my face, like crossing vacant corridors through unseen spider webs
And the smell of your favorite French perfume, that I cannot pronounce
disintegrates into the air I breath
And your medium size **** in lace ******* against my crotch in stripe boxers
Never ignited lust in my mind
Just admixture love, comfort &
respect
as I dived Inside you until your soul reached its ******
then in a burst of wither time
one day you dissolved into my bed.

My mind afloat a pool of sadness
as I lay here in my bed on the day of my birth name
Without you by my side
Remember that rainy day ? That storm ? Where we got stuck on the side of the freeway?
I never felt so ******* alive and loved by someone in my life
You probably don't remember but I said I would love you in the future a million times more than in the past

It's sad to say, I still feel exactly the same way
after you said you loved me
while salivating over him and his spit still on your lips and the shame you couldn't admit
Hiding behind your mask made out of sweet nothings, and alibis
as your ghost stands host of my vacant mind

Slit my ******* throat and try to stitch it with the promises you couldn't keep
Cut my ******* heart out and try to make it palpitate with your sympathy
drag me down to hell
So I can cauterize in your wrongdoings
Or throw me up to heaven
so I can asphyxiate in your globs holy ******* greatness
So he can watch me suffocate in love lost and heartaches and feel the greatest pain of all humanity
A broken ******* heart

Ive spend the rest of the year trying to find you in everything
Like hopeless romantic films, sad songs, and aesthetic, melancholy sceneries
Finding excuses to feed my rage
So I can hate you because that's all I have left at the end of my fingers tips

I got a hole in my soul and I wish I was dead, not literally but I feel that way
And as soon as the hands on the clock bend forward to strike 12am
I'm going out of frequency and
You're the only human in the world I wanna see
the only person in all the parallel universes and boundless worlds
Who I wanna be with
No matter Where or why and how many times
I find myself drowning in time
While this plays out infinitely, indifferently, badly, or chaotically
I would spend my life searching for that one world, that one life
Where I wake up next to you and you exist to fill in that empty space on my bed

Love & hate are raging inside of me
And this might sound ironic
But theres one thing I regret
is letting you go for the sake of not having to feel the pain you caused me

Thanks for the birthday wishes, melting candles, and agony.

My minds swelling up with thoughts of you
like air balloons in July
I can't help but feel polluted
My heads unraveling, I'm tired, restless, and I'd be lying to myself
If I said I didn't miss your presence
Eventually I'll reach the end of my heights
I'll burst into debri and I hope it decends on you like rain made out of memories
And while you're drowning in my thoughts
my love, I'll say, how beautiful you look drenched in pain.

I had dinner again at our favorite Japanese ramen restaurant
I sat next to your fading presence and the lucky cat statue
Had the usual ramen noodles, pork broth, spicy miso, and your favorite side dish
Then got drunk off a pitcher, hot sake, and your absence
A crowded room leafed over until
I was the last one to leave
I sat in my car out in the parking lot listening to your favorite acoustic song "I don't mind"
Then clarity opened the passenger door sit and sat next to me
I realized that night, during that moment
That being alone wasn't too bad but I was still completely lost without you

I demand Edgar Allan Poe to cut open my brain.
My thoughts would pour out unto the room.
Like rising water to the tip of my lips.
Leaving me stuck in between that moment.
Where I'm given the choice to drown or be left gasping for air.
As his Raven claws at my stomach trying to free himself.
From the mimicking & mockery of my fiction.
As my crow elegantly, resting at the end of my fingers tips calls out my name.
My arm left outstretched reaching for a sky.
In a world I could never find rest in.
Engulfing me in ravaging, epiphanic darkness.
For I have grown wings stitched from everything I have loved and left.
Whom now lays dead and made in form of feathers.
Dipped in brooding black ink.
As I leave this world of pain & comfort.

Boy fell asleep next to his siblings and dormant demons.
Moms singing the morning blues in the key of poverty.
As his dad breaks his back to support his family.
While his livers rot away from self excessive alcoholic indulgence.
Trying to find happiness in self destruction.

Image of a man denude
from the thorns of morals & virtues.
I hate myself more than I hate humanity.

Your eyes are water paint
Paiting a picture of agony
And I can see your pain forming in tears dripping down your face
I wish I could wipe your hell away
And point this gun of apathy at your heart
I'd pull the trigger to **** your feelings
And reassure you that everything will be okay
But I know that you know
It's not that easy.

If I could clip your torn, wore out wings and sew you new ones
In hopes you would fly to a different world
Where it doesn't rain misery and it's sunny all day
Just to see you smile for second
I would but sadly I won't.... Just to teach you a lesson of self-help because I believe in you
And I believe you can pick yourself up
after dragging yourself through all the *******

You're just another poem I wrote
When the sound of inspiration stroke a chord but I swear you mean more than words and metaphors,
You mean more than letters and similes

If I could stab you a million times with the same knife of empathy
That I used to cut my wrist this year, I would
Just to watch your puncture wounds leak all the pain you feel inside
But if there's one thing I know and I know right
Is that pain makes you feel alive and no matter how lonely you and I feel when we're both laying in our own empty beds
I promise you a promise that I might break someday but for what it's worth
I'm sorry you feel the way you do and I can assure you this time without reassurance
I feel just as alone as you
and here's the bitter sweet promise,
I'll struggle to keep
"I promise to drive to your house at anytime
as I bend the hands on the clock
To tell you that I'll be as lonely as you when you stay up crying your thoughts out on September nights

I'm counting down the clock till the hour of dissipation
And my reflection doesn't even look back at me anymore
Depleting in the eyes of all my friends and family
As I fade into the darkest black and grayish grey

I'm surviving on memories, metaphors, and similes
So I'm writing a song or poem
In hopes that there's someone out there feeling the same way

Dancing silhouettes in my brain
When I'm gone
Dancing silhouettes
Sing my name...

"People say that when someone dies, they can go to heaven
But I don't think that's the case
When someone dies
I'm sure that person journeys into people's hearts
They live on as a memory
But that, too, will eventually wane.

That's why people desire to leave something behind in this world
So others won't forget them
So we'll remember them"

"Sailing ships never sink.
They just set out, out to sea.
I can feel you in the breeze.
I can hear you speak."

My ship sinks inside a half empty bottle of liquor.
Everything I love, everything I hate, became all the same.
If this has gotten the best of me where was I at my best?
I used to live life with a noose around my neck.
Now I live life hanging from its last thread.

Pondering,
Got in my car.
Wondering,
I drove down my alley.
Pensive,
Driving straight across the bridge.
Now I'm parked above the road,
staring down into the freeway.
Contemplating,
I turned my radio on
but all I hear is silence.
I can hear myself think.
Sometimes I like to sit in my car
and remove myself from existence.
As I stare Infinitely at infinite amount of human beings sitting inside their cars driving.
Where are they going?
I imagine myself in each car
living a million life's and I still find myself feeling lost, directionless, and looking over at my rear end mirrors.

2:30am, felt the hollows hands of death again.
Fingers wrapped like a noose around my neck.
Woke up distress in sweat.
With tongue tied knots made of fear and frustrating attempts.
I called out to mother but
I felt 1,000 pounds of pressure standing upon my chest.
Muting me into speech impediments and sinking me into the depths of what seem to feel like hell for a couple minutes.
Body felt like dancing sharp needles in the air.
As someone's eerie finger
Sailed across the maps of my skin.
Causing frantic earthquakes through out what seemed like my living corpse.
I felt like discords, statics, and lost signal tv channels.

You were talking in your sleep again.
Finally admitted your mistakes but it's too late.
I'm awake laying in bed, the waters rising, my pillows wet.
Where did all this water come from?
You spoke late night diatribes, sweet nothings and the waters up to my ears.
I can't hear ****, the waters rising again.
I'm staring at the ceiling and it took form of scarlet, vanillas skies.
I'm almost underwater now, my lips, and the tip of my nose are touching the surface.
My visions a blur, I'm drowning alive.
I finally figured out the origin of the artificial forming body of water in my room.
All this water is coming from you, from the leakage in your mouth, truth saliva.
Your somniloquy song usually last thirty seconds.
I guess, the only time you can speak honesty, is when you're sleep talking.

I'll never stop loving you even when all your petals break and you're reduce to a beautiful decay

Solitary flower, blooming in a garden of pain
Solitary flower nourished in shame
These humans are your stems
Once fully grown they turned their backs on you and set you in flames

Cleansed our souls of selfishness,
pick at our flesh of ignorance,
Strip us naked of violence,
and drown us in humility
Humanity is a sight of disgust
Make us suffer the same way
we've been eating off your body
find peace in our extinction
Restore your aesthetic complexation

Some days I hear the sound of burning violins.
As I bury my love ones in the cemetery of my mind.
Some days I wish I could cut into my body and pull whatever it is that makes me feel love.
I'll tie it from it's limbs and hang it outside my window.
Watch the rope slowly tatter and tear.
As I hang the rest of my emotions on tree branches.
Cast fire upon it and watch them burn.
Some days I pray,
sometimes I wish.
That we would all die
and live in peace.

Hope is a thread hanging
off my ceiling like spider webs made from a spider named hopefulness.
Happiness, optimism, and vitality, intertwine forming cobwebs at the corner ends of my room...
Regret, bitterness, and hopelessness, morph into black-widows crawling on my limbs.
Injecting a poison I call mental suicide into my veins.
Why does dying feel fulfilling,
like being alive for the first time?
These spider webs take form of memories falling on my body like rain....
Leaving me nostalgically hollow, like empty pictures inside picture frames.
Hopefulness crawled into my mouth as I clenched my teeth shut.
Chewed up, swallowed, and left a misfortunate taste on my tongue.
These black-widows won't let me sleep..

It's like a vampire, and one of those lord of the rings elf gave birth to her. She has beautiful pallid skin, ****** lips, aesthetic smile, and a angelic face. She's dressed in life, I wore deaths suit and tie. We're oppositions swimming in a paradox but
Love approved of us with blessings.
Will you stay with me?

Tormented in storms by torments of thoughts.
Sail boat sails through waves of emotions.
Pushed by motions of relevance yet irrelevant notions.
I through eyes of floating corpses of personalities I hosted.
Drown thy boat with heavy feelings.
Sink, I sink, still breathing I lay at the bottom of the ocean.
Staring at rain, like falling bullets peircing still water.
Oppositions & contradictions synch in the sea.

A lingering melody from a metallic vibrating needle machine,
sings in my eardrums.
Thoughts become art,
melted in Ink.
Descending into my epidermis.
As pain travels and escapes through my body.
My face molds and breaks into minuscule painful multiple aches of gestures within every ardent minute.
As the artist cuts into the brain of fiction.
Dipping his metallic paint brush machine into it's blood.
And carving aesthetic realism into his human canvas.

I rather dip my toes in both sides of the pool and keep myself arbitrary.
Rather then pretend to be the arbiter. Swimming in life's plurisignifications,
as the questions mutate into a frenzy of hungry sharks.
Rendering my limbs till I give in and give up on self-actualization.