A letter to The Child Whose Life I Shaped

I pulled that trigger.
I loaded the bullet that changed your life.
Did I think?
No.
I was purely trying to save my own life.
No.
I don’t know where your doll is.
No.
I can’t help your dad.
No.
I can’t get you out of that dark room.
I am so sorry.
I mean,
sorry won’t bring back your doll.
Sorry won’t take that missile off course.
Sorry won’t make the men stop “visiting.”
Sorry won’t do a **** thing,
I can never take back my actions.
I know that I broke you.
I flipped your life upside down and turned it inside out.
I don’t know your name.
I don’t know your favorite color.
If I could go back,
and get to know you,
your favorite food and how old you are,
maybe I would have laid my life down for you.
It is too late to do that.
Too late to save your parents.
And your doll.
And your childhood purity.
No.
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know that I was shaping your life.
No.
I just didn’t want to know.
Didn’t want to think about it.

Sincerely,
The Man Who Drastically Changed Your life

A letter to the man who gave me this life

Did you know,
when you pulled the trigger,
that that bullet would give me a new life?
Did you even know my name?
I am Maryam.
I am Dima.
I am Agnes.
I am Charles.
I am 6 million kids affected by you.
Do you know where my doll is?
She is the only one who wouldn’t leave,
if she were here.
I left her at home,
have you bombed my house yet?
Please!
I am only 11.
I am only 10.
I am only 12.
I am only 16.
I am only a child.
Just a child.
Can you help my daddy?
He only got out of the car for a minute,
when there was a loud bang.
In the quiet,
all I could see were my daddy’s boots.
His face was so white,
his hands getting colder.
He is staring at me without seeing me.
God!
He is dead!
Why would you do this?
These shots,
they haunt my dreams.
When you pulled the trigger,
did you know that I would jump--
by simple sound of a door closing?
I was planting pumpkins.
We were going to make pie.
But now, I am starving.
Stuck in a dark room.
The men come in,
I don’t understand…
Why?!?!
I am only a small girl.
I am only a small boy.
You make fear burn,
as passionately as love once did.

Love,
The Child With No Parents (Thanks)

A letter to the stranger with the cold, gray eyes

Yes.
I know I look stupid.
I look like a seventeen year old,
with bleach blonde hair in pigtails.
Yes.
I know I look immature.
I look like a six year old,
with a bright pink shirt and black skirt.
Yes.
I know I look manic.
I look like a five year old,
with my bouncy and childish manner.
Yes.
I know I look weak.
I look like a fifteen year old,
with a smile that can’t hide my pain.
No.
You don’t know,
why I laugh at the little things,
or hang on to every word people say.
No.
You don’t hear me,
at home crying into my pillow,
playing with that cold piece of metal.
No.
You don’t see,
when I struggle to put my mask on every morning,
hiding my arms under long sleeves and gloves.
No.
You don’t feel,
the pain when someone you love hits you and leaves a bruise,
the fear that someone will find out.
So,
why do you think,
that it is okay to judge me?
Do you think I care about the way you look?
Do I glare at you when you talk loudly on the phone,
about your **** cheating wife?
Can’t we just agree that it is okay?
And never speak of it again?

Sincerely,
The hopeful girl who wants to look strong, but isn’t doing a good job

She sat there crying
Helplessly
Thinking of all the men
She’d watched leave
Each one left feeling pleased
For every night
She got to her knees

Why does she do this?
Does no one care?
With her bloodshot eyes
And tangled hair
She trudges home
Wishing someone was there
Alone each night
It wasn’t fair

She woke one night
Reduced to tears
Tired of being used
For so many years
She couldn’t
Face all her peers
With all the mockery
And their jeers

So, facing solitude
Once again
The girl gets up
and grabs a pen
And writes a note
To all the men
She closes her eyes
And then….

A little girl with hopes and dreams
An artistic mother whose smile beams
A burly father who protects the team
Family is as it seems

A little girl that is confused
A fighting mother who is always bruised
A father that now grabs the *****
Family is far from smooth

A young girl that can’t understand
A tired mother who sits on her hands
An angry father who only demands
Family crumbles like sand

A teenage girl with a broken heart
A single mother falling apart
A father lying asleep in a park
Family is far from the start

A teenage girl who sleeps around
A mother buried in the ground
A father who is chained and bound
Family is not profound

A young adult with pain on her mind
A mother who is still resigned
A father who was left behind
Family is redefined

Skipping
Smiling
The pain kept under lock and key.
Rushing
Running
Don’t let them-can’t let them see.
Covering
Coloring
Paint away the evidence.
Shivering
Shaking
Posters on the wall’s indents.
Yearning
Yelling
Go the **** away!
Punching
Pushing
No one listens to what I say.
Groping
Grabbing
Here they come!
Slipping
Stumbling
I am so done.
Gasping
Gaping
Did no one teach you not to stare?
Black
Blue
The weight was too much to bare.
Flashing
Flocking
You’re gonna get what you deserve.
Bars
Beating
I have a family to preserve.

I am from crazy, extravagant clothes
From the music a little too loud
The bloodshot eyes and long sleeves

I am from slamming doors, screaming and crying
From runny mascara and covered up bruises
The fake smiles

I am from love, too
From a warm home, filled with the smell of fresh cookies
The crinkled eyes and echoing laughter

I am from six Christmases
From an abundance of birthday presents
The millions of Thank You notes

I am from hot and cold
From this house to that house
The four parents and two siblings

I am from others
From what they have done to help sculpt me
The girl who’s done it all

I am from.

Dear mom and dad after my birthday,

Why do I have to write a thank you note for every **** person that gave me a gift? She got me crayons, of course I am gonna write her a thank you note. He got me a pair of white socks that are too small. Why would I write him a note? What would that even say??
Dear Jim-Bob,
I love these white socks that are too small for me! They will look very nice in my trash can and I will make sure to see them off as the garbage truck drives them away!
Lots of love,
Your niece :)
Can they just accept the fact that the absolute best thanks they will get will be my exclamation of “Oh my gosh! I forgot to put that on my wish list and you got it for meeeee!!!!”?

A Monopoly set
A rubber ducky dressed as a hockey player
A childhood in short
A bowling ball
A samurai sword
Those awkward teenage years
A master cylinder for a 1933 truck
A lava lamp
Finding your college dorm
A boxing glove
A waffle iron
Building your family
A bed and mattress
A highchair
Having a baby
A Monopoly set
A rubber ducky dressed as a hockey player
Your child's first years

Why then,
waste all that
and throw it into the Northern California rivers?
Do you want to forget the defining moments?
The ones that made you you?

I think I love him
                                                            ­But he won't love you
He makes me so giddy
                                                           ­ He has to hate you
But he says he loves me
                                                            H­e is lying
No, he can't be
                                                            O­h, but he is
Everything is so passionate though
                                                          ­  To YOU it is
To HIM is is. He said so.
                                                            ­He thinks you are ugly
I know I am ugly
                                                            ­He thinks you are fat
No! He wants me to eat more
                                                            ­Because he needs a reason to leave.
But he hates it when I starve
                                                          ­  "You are a fat *****. Bye"
He would never call me a *****!
                                                          ­  How do you know?
Because we talk!
                                                           ­ About serious things?
No...
                                                  ­          See what I am saying?
Yeah, but--
                                                           ­ *No buts. He hates you.

Borders
Segregation and isolation
Exclusion and division
Those who are different
Are thrown in a category
Do you have money?
Come over here.
Do you do drugs?
Go over there.

You made me this
This bird with broken wings
You took away my voice
And my ability to sing

Dear Father,
You were so great to me...
You fed me, clothed me and loved me.
You took me on bike rides and walks.
We chased the ice cream truck,
Just to get my favorite spongebob treat.
We were a team.
You chased my demons away,
only to become them.
Now we are screaming at each other,
Kicking and hitting.
You choked me,
and I couldn't breathe.
I accused you of it,
You denied it.
We don't ever talk,
and it kills me.
Can't we just swallow our pride?
Buy some band aids
And patch up our broken hearts?
I love you,
I miss you.
Sincerely,
Your Heart Broken Daughter That Needs Her Dad

Bread and butter
Bones and blood
Air and water
Life.

The fringe of my pillow
Makes me cringe quite oddly
As it reminds me of our night out
I singed my hair
Only to binge on Netflix
In the dark with you
I unhinged when you left
Because you left for Vinje...without me!

Top ten reasons I don't like spiders and you shouldn't like them either

10) They are eight legged legos on the floor
9) They crawl around like spider plants
8) They make the walls have eyes
7) Spiders are EVERYWHERE
6) There are 34,000 DISCOVERED species
5) They are small- they can get anywhere
4) They can sneak up on you
3) Some of them jump!!
2) Spiders are lethal!
1) Spiders Plot Ingenious ******* Extravaganzas Rudely

Top reason to enjoy killing spiders

1) If I hurt one I wouldn't have to make amends

It was just another day
We were going to worship and pray.
We didn't know that we were prey.
In God's own house-
Sacred house-
We were just nine.
Nine people.
Nine families.
Nine Deaths.
Shot and killed like fish in a pond,
Not a single chance to escape.

You seemed so amazing
But I only got a taste
I am sorry for ever trying
I am sorry for ever pushing

You felt so amazing
With all your numbing qualities
You were always there to save me
You were always there to hold me

But now I see you were setting me up for failure
But that is okay now
I know I shouldn't, but I forgive you
I know I shouldn't, but I still love you

Your love
Was special
And so perfect
But I guess
Special
And perfect
Weren't enough

I was just a child,
but that seemed to be enough
We sat in the front of your car
As you drove us to Hell
Oblivious to all the **** to come

You're creeping up on me,
Sneaking up on me.
Trying to scare me,
to scar me.
Hand me those blades,
Take my food
And throw it away.
But you can't fool me.
Nor can you trick me.
You won't win,
No, depression,
You won't win.
Not this time.
Not this time.

We are the "minority"
We are the "weird ones"
We are the "crazy people"
We are the "Oh, they should be locked up!"
We are the "Honey, let's go somewhere else. SHE is here."

We are the light
                    in an otherwise dark world
We are the color
                    in an otherwise grey world
We are the art
                    in an otherwise lame world
We are the curves
                    in an otherwise straight world
**We are the poets of the world

Rhyming in a scheme
You should totally try it
It is not as easy as it may seem
Like finding a shoe that fits

Rhyming cannot be implied
It cannot be faked
It must be applied
It is like a good steak

A rhyme a day
Or is it an apple?
Will keep the lame away
But do not grapple

For it is rhyme time
Time to rhyme

Last Monday

Today I cut
And out of that cut,
A beautiful dragon arose
And from that dragon's mouth,
A single word dripped out
Hope
A new hope filled my veins
And it made me set down the blade
I gently washed off the dragon,
His words still echoing in my mind
And I let that hope flourish
Let hope spread,
Like a butterfly's wings

The full moon haunts me,
it only reminds me of those nights:

The nights that I would sit by my bed,
doors locked and window drapes open.
I would hold the box cutter in one hand and the codeine in the other.
The tears would roll down my face.
The screaming downstairs never stopping.

Wait.

It stopped.
Now there is sobbing and there are sirens.
But the sirens aren't for me,
they belong to the poor woman downstairs.
She obviously didn't see the icicles outside,
with their cold warnings.
Or the man on his porch,
preaching the devil to all that entered my house.

Silly girl,
the man on the moon isn't as kind as he seems.
He loves to come out for death, and death only.

Kiss me,
love me,
Don't leave me.

Hold me tight,
Be my light,
Cuz you're so bright!

Macaroni and cheese,
It will never cook for me,
It is a pimple on the face of humanity

The water is too watery,
The fire is too firey
The cheese is never too cheesy

Macaroni is the goal that I can never reach
It is the bird that will not screech
I think I want some peach.

Peach cobbler
Always such a blunder…
Are you overcooked-- or under?

On my way
       to recovery
              I hit bumps
                     I crossed chasms
                           I defeated my monsters
                     as they defeated me
       I took two steps forward
and three steps back
       but recovery isn't always positive.
                            I have spent my fair share
                                                              of crying
                                                   of drinking
                                                          of hating
                                                               Hating me
                                                 Hating my family
                                    Hating my decisions
                   but I can see the finish line
        There is just one more leap
             but it is my biggest.
                   Apologizing and forgiving
                                    I hope that one day
                                   soon
                                    I can do just that.
                      But until then,
I will take a water break.

How to be a great tweaker

1) Go get some drugs
2) Don't take them yet
3) Go get some tweaker friends
4) Go get some snacks and take a shower
5) Put on clean clothes
6) Go to a tweaker friend
7) Give them the drugs
8) Walk over to a light post
9) Give it one dollar
10) Go eat that food
THE END.

Play ball!
It is in your court
will you aim for me
or try to trick me?
My heart is in your hands
and you need to decide what to do with it.

I was once a 5 year old girl
Joyous and giggling
Torn between two parents

I was once a 13 year old
Lost and confused
Not knowing what to do or who to turn to

I am now simply done
I cannot fathom life with with you
Nor can I fathom it without you

I cannot face your toxicity
But I cannot abandon your love
But I will not wait forever

I am so **** tired
Of having to tiptoe around you
I can't say what I want
Or you might snap
How can you think we are a happy couple?
You think I am some innocent little girl
Well, guess what,
I'm not.

She sat there crying and rubbing her bruised face as he sat there rubbing his bruised knuckles.