I remember we were in your car
and you told me how
you didn't understand one night stands anymore
because now I'm here
and you don't see a need for someone else.
I remember feeling
a sense of want
and gratitude for being
and I held your hand
and choked back tears.

That was two weeks ago.
Now
sitting on my bed
I see those words
"I don't think I can love right now"
and now there are tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry"
Is this how you felt?
I'm sorry Alex.
With nobody in my bed
and nobody to go to
I'm sitting under the covers
with tear stained sheets
matted hair
and clutching my phone.
You were my comfort
and now you don't need me.

When 
you
told 
me
about your

last relationships I realized

that I like you.

A lot.

I wanted to hold you and kiss your head.

I wanted to make the hurt go away and then help the scars.

Your smile was nice

and hearing your words

slither out your mouth as you held back tears.

I knew we will be good friends

I really want you.

This bottle of *****

makes it worse

because your eyes scream of hurt

but your mouth spews hate.

Makes me wonder what you think about me

and what you’d say.

Lately
my ups
are like lumps
and my downs
are cliffs fit for
suicide

You are my birth father and you treated it like some ******* check box on a sheet
like it was a ******* option for you
but not for my mother.
Where were you on those nights
where I was having a panic attack
and my mom called her 9 year old to the hospital?
Or when the 7 year old fell and scraped his gums off?
When you said you loved us,
why did you disappear without a trace
like the fact you loved us
made you so scared
you had to ******* hide.
You're the reason why
my mother deals with being beat all the time
and lies to the police about her bruises.
You tossed her like a grenade
and ducked from the explosion.

I ******* hate you

really ******* hard
to make you laugh and smile
and make you want to see me again.
I feel like though
that smile of yours
was fake
and that laugh
that made my body shiver
and my insides nice
was a lie to send daggers down my spine
and you don't care
because some ***** who didn't deserve you
hurt you.

So you can't take a chance
and see that I would be there for you
and now I'm the hurt one
and you don't care.

You made me
feel like a human being
a man with painted nails
weird clothing and loud quirky personality.
Felt like home that you
smiled and held my arm
and made me feel human
not like the freakshow was open for business.
I felt normal
just for a moment.

Now you make me feel like
I was bit by a snake
that entangled my heart and squeezed it just enough to hurt
when you let go.

At first
I felt like you would be someone
that I could at least ****
and it'd be fun
but as we talked and I learned more and more about you.
I realized I wanted to date and be boyfriends
because you are so amazing
and different
and hurt.
You look like you needed someone in your life that was willing to hold your hand and kiss your cheek.
You met someone willing to do that
but retaliated by
biting his neck and draining all his blood.

Lately killing me
feels like the best kind of gift
to me for Christmas.

The way your smile looks like
a few rough times came in and knocked out your teeth
but the child stayed,
your laugh and it's booming base
like I'm at a metal concert being thrashed around by hundreds of people.
The way your eyes look like someone said something mean to you but you told them to *******,
the way your skins feel against my skin soft like satin with an underlay of warmth.
How you didn't talk to me all week and I'm not mad
in fact all I did was think of you
and your smile, your laugh, your voice and your body against mine.
Finally,
the way your hug makes me realize how infuriatingly fragile I am and your arms are like the paste that holds me together.

I'm falling and I'm scared.