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Dec 2019 · 105
1 = ∞
AvaGrace Dec 2019
i've finally started to see
that being single
just means being me

single doesn't mean missing something

single doesn't mean empty
single doesn't mean one less
doesn't mean i lost something

i just gained myself
i just gained freedom


1≠0

1≠-1

me and you did not always equal two
sometimes it was more me carrying you

i used all those burned bridges
all that baggage
those tears
the broken glass
the stained sheets
the anniversary presents
that old t-shirt i took
all those sweaters too
even those socks i stole in the winter
when the snow soaked through my shoes

i took all the leftovers
from all those years
and i used them to learn

stacked up all those memories
used them to reach a new understanding

re-purposed old arguments
to make me a better woman

i stopped covering old scars
i let them remind me of how far i've come instead

i let the slight tinge of pain
when i see your face
remind me that my heart
still works
that my brain still remembers
and that's OK

getting over
and moving on
isn't feeling nothing

1≠0


moving on
and getting over
means trusting myself

making my own decisions
making my own mistakes
instead of cleaning up someone else's

it means standing on both my feet

instead of balancing on one

it means keeping myself warm at night
easing my own mind

it means taking care of myself
so that i can love me

it means looking in the mirror
and knowing i am beautiful
not waiting for the words to come off of someone else's lips

being single

means i have nothing to lose
and everything to gain

so no i am not lonely
no i am not bored

no i am definitely not looking
i am not searching

i have already found my partner
i found her the second you left me
by myself

i still find her everyday

my other half
is just myself being whole

i find my soulmate
every day without you

i find her in the subway
humming to herself on the platform
i find her in my morning coffee
i find her looking back at me every day
and every night
i find her staring at me through the mirror
and i find her in all those times
that i used to feel alone

being single doesn't mean i am singular

i am an infinite arsenal of strength
of hope and self-love

being without you
gives me more time to become me

and i think i'm going to love
this becoming
more than i ever loved
being with someone else

i don't need a relationship history
to define what i should be

i am writing my own **** book
and the heroine is me

i don't need a script
written by some husband-to-be

my life is not a fairy tale movie

it's a real, raw, documentary
and it's starring me

so i don't need
fiver star reviews
from past lovers and fools
to tell me how good my acting was

i don't need to act anymore
i don't need to fake it

i'm doing this for me
now and forever
and since you carry yourself
wherever you go
forever and always
is one promise
that i know i can keep

and if i do meet someone
who says they love me

well this time i'll love me too

next time it won't be 1+1=2

it will be 1+1= 1 +1
i'll be me and you'll be you

but for now it's just me
and i'm more than just enough
i'm plenty
being single is a learning process

so this is just some positivity, trying to change my thoughts and the way i perceive my situation, i'm trying to be the change agent in my life.

learning you don't need someone else to have a full life :)
Dec 2019 · 70
to see the light
AvaGrace Dec 2019
do you believe in god?

funny how it sounds like asking
if you believe in magic

when you were a kid it was a given
now we are not so sure

do you believe in heaven?
or is this place the reality?

do you believe in life after death?

are those taken from us just waiting for us to come back to them?

do you believe in god?
is she who we thought she was?

do you believe in god?
or the power of humanity?
why have those become mutually exclusive?

do you believe in responsibility?
or has faith taken that from you?

do you believe in prayer?
worship at the altar?
robes and crowns? kneeling and bowing down?

or do you believe it is within you?
silent, personal, private

do we need a building
ornate and magnificent?
to prove our innocence?

or do we need only ourselves
our hearts alone with god

i don't need a book
telling me what to be
i don't need a circle of men
to tell me when to breathe

i don't need stained glass windows
to make me see the light

no scrolls or ancient articles
to tell me what is right

my spirit is the one
that leads me to prayer at night

my god doesn't hate
doesn't reward evil with spite
my god doesn't create love
just to punish those who practice it

my god doesn't abide by labels
or care who you go to bed with at night

my god doesn't need you
to play the saint
only when the spotlight's on you
my god
sees through the facade

my god
is my god
sick of the hypocrisy
Dec 2019 · 208
riff
AvaGrace Dec 2019
arms wrapped around me
as neon crimson floats through the air
crowd swaying back and forth
fain smell of cigarettes and liquor
beer spilt on the venue floor
sticky beneath our feet
i lost an earring
i can't remember why i was so upset

embracing

that is what i miss the most

who do i have to embrace now

what embraces me now
but silence?

soft water
hard stone

tender heart but wild and over grown

maybe one day
ill learn to let go
you ever just miss having a person? and cant tell if you miss that one person or just having someone, anyone at all?
Dec 2019 · 74
11/19
AvaGrace Dec 2019
i'm writing this because i need to focus
i'm writing this because i need to get it off my chest
i'm writing this because it's driving me insane
rather
i'm writing this because i don't know if i'm going crazy or if it's real
i'm writing this because i have a mile high stack of responsibilities with my name on it that i can't seem to get to because all day all i do is think of you.
so here goes.

i'm still in love with you.

scrap that.

i still think of you every day
i still feel your touch on my skin
i still hear your voice in my ear
i still catch myself pretending you're next to me
when i can't sleep at night

so what do you think?
am i still in love?

is this just the loneliness of winter in the city getting to me?
is this just desperation?
is this just having not been kissed in so long?
is this OCD? is it depression? is it my anxiety?

or is it you?
is it me?
was that why you left?

it doesn't matter anyway, right?


each memory of us replaying through my mind like a film with no ending
i spend each morning and each night waiting
for that final scene

i tried to force myself to think
of all the reasons we went bad
all the sour memories
bitterness
i could taste it on my tongue
cruel words
pouring out of my mouth
like hot oil
the tears
burning like fire from my eyes

but the laughter and the joy
keep coming back
oh god joy
i haven't felt that in a while have i

it had become a synonym for you

now i know that i'm fine
i have no trouble getting through

it's just the getting over
that's proven hard to do

so if someone could let me know

am i in love?

or is this a passing storm?

will i sink or swim?
should i dive right in?
just word ***** because i cannot for the life of me focus because this person won't leave my mind :/
Nov 2019 · 293
catch
AvaGrace Nov 2019
i don't know what's worse
seeing you and feeling the air being ripped out of my chest
sensibility blowing away like petals in the wind
or seeing your face and feeling nothing
absolutely nothing at all
Nov 2019 · 304
name
AvaGrace Nov 2019
you gave my name meaning
now i must work everyday
just to be who i am
Nov 2019 · 79
bruises
AvaGrace Nov 2019
my chest hurts just thinking about you
my feelings clawing out of my chest
like an animal caught in a cage
i feel bound by the idea of you
glued to the image of us two
my body can’t forget your touch
my skin relives each moment
every neuron sending dopamine straight through my tired brain
serotonin seeping through the cracks in my depression
oxytocin making me high just for a moment
before the anxiety kicks back in
cortisol replacing common sense

the smell of your cologne
something old and outdated
yet so perfect with your chemistry

i miss it
our chemistry
the aching pull towards your body
even when all we did was scream and cry
i needed to feel you against me
i need to feel you against me
one more time

i need to know if it was real
i need to know if we could heal
could this slipshod marriage of hope be renewed

i said i wanted nothing serious
you said the same thing too
we were fools
but love’s a fools game
and baby we were the best at it
until we started breaking the rules

the thing about hindsight is
it’s not 20/20
it’s more like 50/50
half reality half make believe
i see rose colored street signs
rose colored tears
everything stained with pink
from our single shared year

everything that’s rosey
turns black and blue
but god how i’d be so willing
to be covered black and blue
if i was doing it with you
how i’d pay to cut myself open
just to let you back in
the deepest of heartache
was from our own sin

maybe it was both of us
who sunk this old ship
but i am the one
who is still waiting adrift

yes i’d go black and blue every day
if i knew at the end of the night
id be coming back home to you
i know it’s over and done and i know we were broken beyond repair but some nights when its cold and lonely id do anything to have you laying beside me
holding me instead of this blanket keeping me warm
Jul 2019 · 122
how deep is your love
AvaGrace Jul 2019
does it reach down past your toes
does it mount you to the ground like a thousand bolts into stone
does it move straight through your body
does it leak out through your clothes
can you feel it in the air
like smoke blown through windows
can you taste it in the music
tastes so sweet as it flows
do you smell it in the shower
hot sweat and clean clothes

how deep is your love

does it reach across mountains
does it bridge across the ocean
span highways here and far
can it cut through you like glass
sharpened from years of desperation
can it fill every bottomless flask
till your cup runneth over
does it hum like the sound
of ten heartbeats surround

how deep is your love

does it cut like a knife
or tear like a dog at a bone
does it rip you to pieces
can it sever you whole
would you leave it for nothing
does it swallow you whole

will it lead you to nowhere
yet you'd still gladly go

how deep is your love

will i ever know
Jul 2019 · 201
you no.2
AvaGrace Jul 2019
like thick rain pouring down
streams pooling into rivers as they flow down the mountain
being in love is like drinking the poison
letting the sickness seep into your veins
feelings your organs change
as your heart starts beating for more than one body
as your soul starts sharing itself with another

falling out of love is different
maybe that's because i was pushed

leaving you behind is like closing your eyes
try not to peek but the sense of urgency is creeping
i cover them but everytime i blink
i see you standing there
i see us dancing through this pain

i see your face start to strain
as you realize im never going to change
as you realize you can't stay

i see your name
in street signs
hear your voice as im switching trains
i feel your breath on my neck
as i board the subway
smell your skin on my sheets right before doing my laundry

i sense your need for change
endless chasing of timelines

i wish i could see how it'd end
if things had gone different
i wish i could see how i'd begin
to be what i've been missing

i remember the good times
the laughs and the kisses
surprise trips to the beach
locked hands and biting teeth

i remember the passion
insane
red hot like a furnace
i should have learned to stay away from the flames

oh but how i loved that slow burn

but your path had to turn

and now i feel traces of you
endless skies dotted red across blue

i want to forget your face
every inch of my body you traced

i need to lose track of the memories
i need to remember the bad

all the tears and the fights
all the goodbyes and let goes
those times i felt us die
even before you told me to go

i guess its easier to think of all the things that went right
because letting go of the past is like saying goodnight
without knowing if there will ever be the morning light

i guess this is me admitting
that i didn't get over you

i just kept moving through
the endless highways of you

to reach the final destination
of me being whole
without you
Apr 2019 · 158
y o u
AvaGrace Apr 2019
y o u


y for yearning

seeing your face and waiting for you to turn
the warm air before your lips reach mine
the feeling which went to my head like old wine

the taste of mint and bitter-sweetness
like the smell of you wafting over me
the pressure of your body on top of me

once it was comforting
it made me strong
then suddenly suffocating

like breath to a flame
you built me higher
then blew me out

yearning

the burning heat in my chest
the feeling of two bodies
inches apart
the strain to eliminate any distance
till you're so close
like atoms colliding
molecules combining

how long until we became an element of our own

unstable and erratic
incredible in concept
but unattainable in context


o for open road

paths that keep winding
sun streams that come in blinding

signs we keep ignoring
pretending not to mind the final destination

just keep making right turns
until our favorite song ends

we couldn't see what was creeping up behind us

i guess that's why they call it a blind-spot


open road

driving so fast it feels like we're racing the sun

driving home
listening to our song alone

learning new ways to get past that old spot
paying attention to every sign
ignoring that song, when it finally comes on

  

u for undoing

unwinding the memories
unreeling the spool of time
the ball of yarn we built up
layers of knotty yellow and red
untying the tether
that kept my heart hanging
when you broke the chain
connecting whats yours to mine
not sure if i really like this one, just wanted to get some words out of my mind so i can write on a blank page for once
Aug 2018 · 346
weeds
AvaGrace Aug 2018
i respect your right to live
and to prosper in peace
and i encourage you to grow
with all the space that you need
but is it really necessary
to tear up my roots
im just trying to be
without being moved
i wont drink of your water
or eat of your plate
ill do my fair share
to be a decent roommate
this garden we share
has plenty of room for a few
i don't think its fair
to be picked on by you
so i may not be pedigree
im not flawless its true
but in the end of the summer
you'll see that i bloom
so you may not like me
i may not be ideal
but if you spend a day beside me

you may consider appeal
i wonder how weeds feel in comparison to 'flowers'
Aug 2018 · 1.9k
sunshine
AvaGrace Aug 2018
hi
i know we're not on the same team anymore

but is it wrong that i still root for you?


i know you know
that i know this is best for us

we were never burning nicely

always to bright or too soft

sometimes the wind would leave us

stuck in the dark

when i think of our conversations
i know it is clear

that there is good reason

for you being somewhere else


and me being here

but when i lay down at night


and i hear your favorite song

the only way to sleep

is to pretend im in your arms

so is it OK that i need you
even though i don't want you

is it OK to still miss you
while wanting nothing to do with you

so when im in the stands all alone
is it OK that i root for you?
don't even ask me bro im over it but that one song brings me to tears
Jul 2018 · 245
Untitled
AvaGrace Jul 2018
when i should sleep i think of you
when i should wake i close my eyes
i shut my blinds
ignore the sky
i bite my nails
or else my tongue
i go to work
and keep on trying
ive stiched onto my face
that cardboard smile
i have a blessed life
but it's hard to taste
the fruit of the garden
that is covered with thorns
i try to be appreciative but sometimes you just have to mope
Jul 2018 · 323
1
AvaGrace Jul 2018
1
and so i've been wanting to do an open mic
to take that step into my fear of the public
to let others hear the voice i have inside
but will the feedback hurt?
will the reverb bore them?
will the whoosh of my breath on the mic
reflect the lack of air in my lungs
the feeling of eyes glazing over
or worse digging into my skin
will my ear drums crumble
upon the sound of my own words
should i just stay and recite to the birds
at least their mocking sounds like song
Jun 2018 · 543
Your Song
AvaGrace Jun 2018
this song is for you
the one i wait for
i dont need you i know
thats what they all say
and logic reminds me
to push you away
but hearts have a funny way
of running amuck
once cherished and loved
it now lay untouched
i hope you enjoy it
this tune i derived
from chaos inside me
that once may subside;

three chords in progression
from major and flat
each one a reminder
for the weeks that have passed
three strings plucked in fashion
each one louder than last
a riff of goodbye notes
in minor key for effect
i sing all but once
so the silence reflects
the moment of quiet
i felt when you left
the life was drawn out of me
and silence began
my heart tore in pieces
like guitar strings when snapped
i finish each verse
with a simple refrain
a cry of the memories
that will always remain
the chorus is steady
it flows quick like champagne
that we poured one dark evening
we shared in the spring
the bridge is unending
it connects the past to the new
it starts with open chords
like the whole in my chest
and ends with a cadence
that drips with regret
the bass line is deep
like the sound of your voice
the beat is persistent
like the smell of your skin
the tune is repeated
like breathing out
breathing in

the song ends with hopefulness
despite all the grit

still the silence afterwords
will not comfortably sit

there will be no more teardrops
upon any fret
my guitar cannot weep
though i haven't stopped yet
i know everything is okay and im quite happy but this is an expression of some of the deepest emotions i normally cant put into words
music is an escape
as is poetry and art
so i thought id combine them
to make this
Jun 2018 · 794
breaststroke
AvaGrace Jun 2018
a chest that's empty
yet filled with lead

a mind torn so clearly
between the living and dead

the hair on my arms
standing straight in defense

of the words i was not able
to protect against

i spent years pretending
to feel nothing at all

until your eyes met mine
and i began to fall

but here i am pretending
to feel nothing at all

as once again i am reminded
that what comes must also go
Dec 2017 · 245
i guess
AvaGrace Dec 2017
is this what it's like?
how they said it would be
the books said it would happen over and over
the papers say it doesn't exist
it looked like it made people hurt
forty of a hundred change their minds
my father said to wait
my mother said to pray
is this what it's like?
my sister said it makes you cry
the voices said it always goes away
i let myself try
is this what it's like
to love
the way it never dies
is this how it hurts?
is the hole in my chest the good kind of empty?
if his voice fills it
over again
will he run out of breath
if his hands heal me
will he be tired of my touch
is this how it is?
to love and not ask to be loved
to love and know you are loved
to find the mess that makes your own beautiful
to take broken bones and build a new self
to bring God back
to bring it all back
is this what it's like?
to love?
AvaGrace Dec 2017
hand that holds
tight as the bolts on the bench by the sea
cold waves salt air blizzards and rain
still it sits
pine and steel
bolts fast and strong
so small you almost miss them
they hold me upright
keep me above ground
safe from the cold sand
that invades every inch
shoulder blades that shift and spread like the eagle
seeing through deep dark oceans
the light from above peeking through the waves
waves crash over as they blink
hard to breath
through that frigid air
but oh
when that sweet air comes
how it gives me life
oxygen and serotonin
straight through my veins
arms stretched around
lock me into my sanity
quiet sound
your words as they whisper
the wind takes them through my mind
carries my heart away too
your skin brings it back
quickly
softly
as you are
lips like the flowers
too delicate to touch
to beautiful to ignore
i watch you weather the storms
watch you come back each year
after winter and fall
through each fracture no matter how small
you arrive
you return
you grow and you yearn
for the sun and the rain
for the new from the old
i don't know, i needed to express some word *****
Jan 2017 · 547
turn away
AvaGrace Jan 2017
my body has no desire to stand tall
my shoulder slump
i bend farther and farther
stretching down towards the mud
my soul slides down
i sink in the dirt
my hands grasp the ground
my heart continues to pound
without you there is no where to go
my body decays in this soil
weeds will grow
this flower you bred
it is withered but not dead
i cant let go of this hope
as my remains move down
this dark desert *****
this graveyard of bones
dry and cracked
memories wont leave me alone
why do i say goodbye to the ones i love
and chase after comets that have passed by years ago
while the fire is burning
i will carry my heart through
the flame and the hellfire
to get to you
but why when i knock
you always are gone
so i knock
still i call
my fists meet that door
till my knuckles are cracked
and broken and bruised
my eyes bleed hot raindrops of fear
of this emptiness that fills
and this loneliness that kills
in a room filled with people
i only saw you
in a room filled with friends
im a stranger
brand new
im too unpretty
too kind
too bitter and too deep in my own mind
i feel fat with this laziness
unwillingness to grow
i just want to drift away forever
or at least until the snow
freezes over this ground
where those weeds are found
so i never again can grow
so i never again can hope
oh who the hell knows
just hold me again
and then i can go
peacefully ill leave
but your heart i do need
oh your blood i do bleed
AvaGrace Jan 2017
you made me
forget
forget
for
all the demons that chased me
you made me whole,
without trying to replace me.
you filled in the gaps without reaching too far.
and cut my soul open.
without leaving a scar.
I'm over it
AvaGrace Jan 2017
and the more she looked
the closer she        stood
to the                                  edge
of that                                    cliff
where she'd stay
the army of those who won't look dead in the eye
marched onwards as her confidence continued to decay
like crumbling walls and bro
-ken fences
her mind
those thousands of uneasy neurons
remained present till the last warm soft
                                                     drop
spilled out onto the rocky ground
and every glance in the mirror
took from her a lifetime
i dont know
Dec 2016 · 334
Untitled
AvaGrace Dec 2016
and they told me to breath
and they said it'd be fine
each day gets better
darkness passes with time
but life is a circle
and it still comes around
so here i am waiting
and i finally found
this ******* they spew
about love and the truth
my head cant wrap around
the ignorance ive found
so i gather my thoughts
and i tie them with string
and i hide them inside
till the day when i say
the darkness did win
Dec 2016 · 511
Untitled
AvaGrace Dec 2016
and i cant help but wonder
to myself as i hide my eyes behind my scarf
******* past my throat
because im long past strangled by your words
red claw marks taint my wrists, final wound cut by your sharp glances
your eyes capturing my soul
my thoughts lost in this eternal sea
of hopeless falling and rising
just to be knocked
down by the waves of the syllables
flowing from your lips
always hinting at a sad smile
your crooked grin endlessly in this mind
that aches to hear my name spring from your tongue
to see your hands held in fists
hidden beneath this ground
your voice cracking like the sidewalk in spring
your eyes flowing tears like the leaky faucet keeping me up at night
or is it the perpetual notion
that lovers are as common
as salt in the ocean
and true love is nothing but broken
promises and dreams
it's just as it seems
endless and seamless
if nothing is there it cannot be stopped
Mar 2016 · 293
Untitled
AvaGrace Mar 2016
you push me
over and over again
the edge is not enough
so you create new heights
new highs
for me to hold on to
the edge of this life
and i follow you
i how i followed you
till the end and back
and its not until now
that i realize
that to die is to be in love
and then to wake up
Jan 2016 · 184
Untitled
AvaGrace Jan 2016
anarchy
anarchy in my bones*
screaming flesh
red fire in my soul
the waves of anger
roll straight off my back
but the fear
it remains
soaked in blood it flows through my head
AvaGrace Nov 2015
for it is with you that i cease to exist
i forget about my tightly clenched fists
curled into your side
my dreaming resides
my darkness shall come to pass
with you i pretend
today is the end
and tomorrow is but an illusion
Nov 2015 · 292
with you
AvaGrace Nov 2015
it is in this infernal darkness
which i find myself in so often
that i ponder the existence of this life in which i wander
meandering from one cavern to the next
nothing but hollow walls
their empty calls
those young callow innocents
they are the ones to be tainted
this world is not forgiving
yet you keep on living
and giving to me this sense of calm
when all this earth is a twisting storm
my mind
it battles
within its self
this daily eternity which i face in the gray
to you i exhort
the peace of the heart
i trap my own in words infertile
growing nothing but barren waste
the words i say are made in haste
you
you are the only taste
which can sanctify these lips of mine
your breath on my neck
the only one which sends shivers down my coiled spin
and at last i find
my ties that bind
are wound around my own hands
i hold the key to my own survival
selfishly i brandish the lies
my forever denial
i have forsaken
all
which i have taken, so much
these pill cannot cure
the disease in this world
maybe they'll stop the pain
yet the only refuge i find
is when hearing you speak my name
Oct 2015 · 352
Ghost of Living Proof
AvaGrace Oct 2015
i do not make a noise as around you i creep
the shadows merely bend around my body
the floorboards, never do they creak
i carry with me no sense of aplomb
nor any importance
only a bombastic fool would suggest his own value
or declare himself aware
this world allows for no consciousness
the monotony of sights and sounds clouds my mind
i am nothing
i am nobody

it is not nice to meet you
for you see, to you young callow beings
the earth is not welcoming
i exhort every eager eyed child to maintain that smile
it will last only a short while
excuse me, i do not indent to infringe on your hopeful gathering
an interloper to many occasions, i apologize for bringing my truth
i see you are all getting much too old
to discuss these possibilities, it is futile to say the least
much too old, much too fast

no one alone can conquer the beast, hiding within each memory
but this is no matter to you
expressing your indifference is the epitome of your downfall
when your shallow hearts inveigh against your fragile minds
you become willing to sacrifice others in vain attempts to regain control
the authority we relinquished long ago
you surmise that what you do is right
yet you mumble apologies
your words like drivel from parted lips
i only sigh
i apologize for my lie
believe me i am a liar
yet i do mean what i say
i am not nobody
i am reality
this is your wake up call
good morning
good day
this is terrible I'm so sorry
Aug 2015 · 326
Untitled
AvaGrace Aug 2015
the windows shatter
as your screams tear through
these walls remain silent
secrets held true
the doubt in your footsteps
the pain in your speech
the whispers at midnight
the stories you keep
alone in your descent
alone as you fall
straight through to the ceiling
yet still you stand  tall
your mother
remember
the sound of her shriek
to find you in a nightmare
tangled in sheets
today you awaken
no more can you dream
your life which is endless
you're a clasp without key
Jul 2015 · 295
Untitled
AvaGrace Jul 2015
i could feel
the winds throughout the desert
but so am i like the changing gusts and tempests  
just as the blossoms once felt their petals fall away
when they wilted old and fragile in the fray
but now the leaves are calling out as they are whisked onward
my wayward miracles of life
and yet still i ponder
my life to wander
through those pebbles of time
for sand is far too fine
though these tears of mine
may be dried like summers sweet wine
on your lips
taken into that callous mouth of yours
which knows only how to spit words out
so vile to be heard
as i sit here yet again, unperturbed
for any emotion in this world
is absurd
idk what the hell this is sorry man
Jul 2015 · 234
It's funny cause it's not
AvaGrace Jul 2015
and i love (d) you
not the way i want(ed) to
not the way i thought i would
but i do(did)
and jesus **** how it hurt(s)
*** idontknow love ? life ?
Jul 2015 · 403
One
AvaGrace Jul 2015
One
well father screams out  through the window screen
daughters nothing but an empty dream
yeah just keep on walking down that road
never wonder where the hell it goes

on and on

brother sinking down in that stream
creek runs red with blood I've seen
washed out in the sink to keep me clean
oh what a thing

a thing that keeps me awake each night
the thought of you here
well my hands tied
and my heart blind
to you

sister sister well i almost missed her
lined her dolls up before you kissed her
and knocked em down
right to the ground

well my brother he called just yesterday
heard the news said you;ve gone crazy
well was it you who's gone astray
well aint it a shame

and this thing that sings me to sleep all day
the memory of you running away
from all the things you held so near
creeping out like a frozen fear
as i hold my tears

and oh how the seasons go
winding on along this sorrowed road
and oh how the torture blends
with the sound of my heart beating
the sound of my heart beating
with yours again

i see that tower standing tall
and my soul climbing on up that wall
and through your heroes pride you'll see
that tower crashing down on me

mother oh the one i pray
seek to save us all each day
we tear ourselves apart you see
searching for some hope beneath

but oh here we go
and oh we never know

father will your will be done
let me know when kingdom comes
Mar 2015 · 320
Untitled
AvaGrace Mar 2015
i fear that if you saw me
you'd be  frightened
by what i've become
that you'd back away
but even more
i am so dam afraid
of you
moving in closer
and closer
Feb 2015 · 350
autopsy
AvaGrace Feb 2015
It's silence, he whispered
between his pounding mind and his aching heart
the world had become so loud
the screaming in his head
the silence is a welcome sound

it's light, she spoke
the darkness before her eyes
unbearably bleak
it's light, she spoke

stillness, you felt
the world spinning, every quake and quell
spiraling you grasped for any chance
still, downward you fell
till it was not death you feared
but life
stillness, you felt

the distance seperating dreams and death
the continuum between the past and the future
broken apart, shattered into pieces
and now there is nothing left to be found

the two, they lie, together
in that vast nothing
feeling something
for the first time
something
inside those shadows
a new thing coming
your eyes have closed
but your life has opened
Feb 2015 · 1.0k
love's silent scream
AvaGrace Feb 2015
and god,
most of all i pray
for them,
please stay away
from my heart
I'm through with this
this aching *****
filling with blood
then spilling it  out
so it can poison the rest of my thoughtless body
this red ink
staining the sink
please
just let me be me again
filter out the remnants of you
from this tireless mind
and ceaseless soul
Feb 2015 · 433
Sculptures
AvaGrace Feb 2015
i want the deepest ocean
it's all thats compatible with me
and the cities craze
the way i spend my days
looking up
and denying this reality
the wild's breath
breathing on my neck
i shudder
i grasp the lonely hand
the love i can't gain
from any mortal man
the giving spirit
set me free
and so i remain
with the sea
iknowthissuckssorry
Jan 2015 · 363
i'm ( not) here for you
AvaGrace Jan 2015
i hate the way your lips curl upward as you listen to my bitter words
you laugh at me as if i were a child
you chide me, then abide by me only to turn on me
you make my heart twist, wringing out all  its stubborn, wistful blood
wandering mind oh leave my soul alone, don't evoke my listlessness
you leave me hanging, waiting, eagerly, then  anxiously
my mouth dripping with words, pouring wild expectations
you arrive, just too late, its no surprise, you watch my dying eyes
i glare as they stare
young love and its prey
an innocent again has been ensnared
Nov 2014 · 373
smile
AvaGrace Nov 2014
get up*
if you keep begging for life's cooperation
all you'll get is more exhaustion than you already have
collapsing on the kitchen floor after your long day of nothing
wishing the bottle of wine wasn't so far out of reach
glancing at the hour to be sure
to reassure
its not yet time
no
its only been a few moments
and already your motivation is buried
overwhelmed by your pressing thoughts
get up
get up
deal with yourself and lift yourself off of the hard, cold ground
stand alive and breathe
like you once told me
for i was once you too
i know you are stuck, firmly planted in hells dark corners
but just remember
all the songs
you used to sing
all the places of which you'd dream
all the things
all the faces
and get up for gods sake
look life in the eyes
and with your demons face it
i've forgotten what your smile looks like, it's lovely
Nov 2014 · 731
seabreeze
AvaGrace Nov 2014
your words
once again
have made so cold my skin
i pray for someone
to turn my mind, revoke my sin
take your wounds
and cover them up
with a bandage of denial
a seed of doubt
planted in our minds
your heart shut down
closed for now
you say it numbs the pain
prevention of undeniable grief
you stole your own happiness
a selfless thief
perhaps the wind
will blow again
away your troubles
forget your sins
if only
if only
the rain would return to wash me
wayward and beyond thought
to the wistful wonders
of a world without
you
um
Nov 2014 · 274
Untitled
AvaGrace Nov 2014
and i love you
and thats all i know
and the pain
i know that too
of my mind aching as it thinks of you
the ease of doubt
sinking deeper down
an anchor
you, my sail
take me away
take me away
wow this *****
Oct 2014 · 710
In The Lonely Nights
AvaGrace Oct 2014
and perhaps this is only your haphazard heart
your indignant soul
your hollow eyes grasping for something
anything
besides those pills
by your bedside
please remember
don't you forget
these days we have spent
the ones we will never regret
the laughter and the love
warm like the sun on our backs
please
dont forget
dont let those shadows
the ones i knew but never quite knew
because you saw them
alone
you heard them
alone
they are inside you
alone
the hollow echoes of your heart reverberate within my mind
i need you to stay
you may not know anyone could ever even want you
but i need you
please remember
never let this go
Oct 2014 · 528
Untitled
AvaGrace Oct 2014
the bitterness of this night is all too perfectly compatible with
the lack of warmth in my smile
the taste of your disdain and indifference has become a familiar sensation
i want the memories to be more than just obsolete pasts
i wish to gain my life
to write my story without having the demons decipher it for me
Oct 2014 · 425
stars
AvaGrace Oct 2014
and
it happened again tonight
the drifting
that lack of resolve  
my heart only knows how
to dissolve
every morsel of love
every line of your ill reprise  
each inch of this spaceless , weightless soul
growing heavier
and my mind breaks its bonds again
i allow a tear to fall
only one
for i did work so tirelessly to build those walls
to  smelt  the metal on my iron clasps
these locks for which only i possess
the key
your voice
your voice
and its never -failing-to-calm-me personality
my head
my head
and its inability to stay level
to keep my thoughts brief
would be to ask the moon
if it could be the sun
relatives to death and life
we are beautiful creatures
we are tangled lovers
awaiting our demise
if only one sorrowful sparrow
could fly overhead so i could realize
that the air is not solid
yet still i cannot breathe
but all the birds
have gone southward
they have followed the breeze
oh how i wish i could float on the seas
till my purpose is useful and my loneliness at ease  
till my woe-is-me' s
have all been spoken
and my pity wallowed out
till my friends are no longer awaiting
the shadows to bleed themselves out
till my selfish wailing is screamed out
till the days and the nights have lost significance
when time is negligent  
seconds or hours
its all in our skulls
which filled they are now
with words that i've said
have you noticed yet, wise ones
that i speak only of myself
even when im speaking
of someone else
this is the life we have not chosen
to lead
but its ours
and we are its
and there is so very much to see
so shake off your burdens
or sink in the sea
you will rise up or drown
do not follow me
let the spirits run free
of the past and ourselves
speak to the trees ask them where they wish they could be
they are grounded
we are free
Oct 2014 · 243
today
AvaGrace Oct 2014
if i am but a body
and you are just a name
and all this time is borrowed
and we know not from where we came
we claim to be owners of wisdom
and write down mortal facts
to where will this journey end
and all these minds the same
only we are here
ourselves
alone to win the game
do not focus on the next
but on the current wave
hope for insanity
for through it we will pave
the truth to no society
and joy thats brought from pain
Sep 2014 · 357
again you go
AvaGrace Sep 2014
oh how ironic
the boy with broken eyes
saw the world better than all of us
perhaps he saw it as it was
beneath all the facades
but how do we know what is real
how do we know anything
we dont
we believe we understand
we enjoy feeling some control
but the honesty in this falsehood is that nothing is real
he is real
his view is said to be twisted
from the cracks ripped and teared in his skin
the fractures in his soul
the story goes he sees through the breaks in his mind
he peers out of the gaps in his world
hidden in the crevices of his own head
his heart
a mere twelve inches from his thoughts
beats so loudly
he fears they will hear it, the demons
and as they press their ears to the door
and the ghost turn the ****
he jumps out the window to escape them
falling down to his life
not his death
death is an end
this is a beginning
excuse the ramblings
Sep 2014 · 1.4k
communication
AvaGrace Sep 2014
dear mind,
you are attempting indifference,
i try to be too
i am independent
however
without a prop i would surely fall
perhaps this is my lack of confidence
though none of us seem to have any
so that couldn't be it
maybe its my humanity speaking
please excuse my indecency.
i do not mean to be honest but this game of make-believe should have ended long ago
you make me cringe
though, you are my confidant.
we need to help the others
i know you see it too
please stop pressing so hard its turning me blue
and these mind puzzles you play with me are missing some pieces
there are so many screaming souls to save
you and i are lucky
smile more
even though i hate this mouth.
tomorrow we'll wake together
early
we'll try to work our way up the cliff
and throw ropes for the stragglers.
ill leave you now
i know you have tears to dry and words to cross out
write back soon, you are so often gone.
- heart
i dont even know. my thoughts are off somewhere else.
Sep 2014 · 313
Untitled
AvaGrace Sep 2014
and they dont listen
all they do is hear
here
you are
there
they stay
in and out
back and forth
you will sink and rise and each time crouched a little lower
till you crawl upon the floor
not unlike in your dreams
they are not nightmares
no
that word you save for your gruesome battles
with yourself
Sep 2014 · 798
confidential
AvaGrace Sep 2014
i love you the way it hurts
the way it frightens me
for i think i may be in love
and being in love is a terrifying thing
you become vulnerable, exposed, liable
i am afraid
of myself
and  that is not a foreign feeling for me
but this sticky sweet illness is
and you are unlike anyone id expect to care about me
and that has nothing to do with me doubting others truth in loving me
i spend hours writing frantically, listening, reading, singing, crying,dreaming,screaming
you calm me
because i am so often a raging ocean
though the half of it you've never seen
things youve never heard or read
consequential, confidential words
conversations deeper than rivers
but with you every sound that leaves my mouth is meaningless
i ramble on about senseless things
i am afraid of you knowing me
so i'll hide the things i always have
my clandestine self
Sep 2014 · 210
Untitled
AvaGrace Sep 2014
a mess
that i am
and i like to pretend this is real
but i know its fleeting
its fading
its fake
this love is a fluke
i love you
you are nothing like the others i love
you are nothing like myself
and still i feel you are a part of me
and i am afraid to let this fear win
but i am more afraid to give in
to love
to hope
to you
Sep 2014 · 760
scrambled
AvaGrace Sep 2014
i do not believe in soul mates
however souls, i put all my faith in
i do not believe in love at first sight
which is convenient considering i cannot manage to remember when i first saw you.
i do not believe in true love
however there are many loves that are true
i do not believe in perfection
however i love every inch of you
even the parts that i hate
even the parts i do not believe in
i do not want to be naive
i do not want to be cracked open
i do not want to be known
yet i'd say anything, do anything
im as impulsive as the storms that rage outside my window
i think of you
i think of doubts
i do my best not to think
if you were here then i couldn't
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