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Apr 2019 · 170
My Beloved
Autumn Lewis Apr 2019
You took away my smile
You always wanted to fight putting me on trial
You took my laugh
You were my better half
You gave me these memories , just to throw me away
What else can I say?
I can only hold on to your shadow, but what happens when the sun goes down?
You were my life preserver and now I'm going to drown
I could have lived my life trapped in your eyes
Now I see I'm the only one who really cried
I'm sorry I wasn't enough
Over time my love you began to *****
Once you were high on me
I brought you such glee
But no more
You closed that door
So with a heavy heart I say goodbye
It's time we spread our wings and begin to fly
Safe travels my love
I'll love you to infinity and above
Goodbye doesn't always mean forever
Sep 2018 · 415
Why Can't We?
Autumn Lewis Sep 2018
The button glares it's hideous grin beckoning me to give it one good push
Start Over is plastered over it's red polish
Why is the button always red? I question
I am numbed my core rotten as I stick in my hands in to see if my heart still beats
Everything fades and my senses feel as though it is just an anesthetic
I try to see but all I know is this dream within my nightmare
The button grows further and further away
Will I be able to reach it in time?
I don't know...
This is my experience being high the first time and my general mind set right now
Sep 2018 · 88
RaDieo
Autumn Lewis Sep 2018
I listen to the songs that once connected us together
And I begin to weeper
I also smile and jam out
New Found Glory to Bob Marley, they are amazing memories without a doubt
You hit my emotions with a heavy clout
I needed you but you needed someone else
My heart still melts
Like a warm puddle of water in your hands
Was this part of your plan?
I'm just confused
Sep 2018 · 119
No Vember
Autumn Lewis Sep 2018
I can't remember I don't understand November
I lost me in the wave of myself selfishness
I'm never me I'm always dismembered
If that makes sense? And now I have only feel pettishness
Sep 2018 · 195
Confusion Fusion
Autumn Lewis Sep 2018
I can't help but to fuse my soul with you
Even when I think of all the things we've put each other through
I hate who we are together but love the feeling
I'm so confused on my feeling...
Feeling of being loved , trapped , hurt , and healing

Why can't we always float away and stay up high on our cloud
Our very own cloud and the world passes us by
Whenever I think of it I cry
Please help me I need you ... I want you
But I don't want the pain and to see you at this view
I love you but I don't know anymore
To the one I want to float away with I love you always <3
Jun 2018 · 248
Slept In
Autumn Lewis Jun 2018
If only I had woke up sooner
I feel like my life can be sung by worn crooner
I have shut my eyes to most events and tried to escape
Everyone has left and made my heart and soul have a huge gape
I dream of what could have been , should have been
I could have opened my eyes and got up and done something but fear held me down but no one understands what I mean
It's hard to do the right thing when you're afraid of losing all you have
I've in the end lost all I gave
It's my fault for not knowing when
I still need help time and time again
The battle still wages and no one wins
Idk right now
May 2018 · 276
Charlatan of Emotions
Autumn Lewis May 2018
You pretended and made me believe your lies
I thought you were trying and that you cared , you never heard my cries
I see the real enemy isn't what you made me to believe I see through you and see where the true one lays
When I didn't feel like going on you went away like I meant nothing , you didn't even faze
I don't want your fake love , fake laughs , or fake hope in your gaze
Sometimes I feel all I can is forgiveness but I can't
I just have a lose of words but I still manage to rant
I wish you meant nothing...I wish you were just a passing face from day to day
But you're not , you haunt me in the memories I just want to throw away
This time I'll try harder to forget the pain and maybe you're ghost will leave my mind and no longer have a reason to stay
I hate my past because of you
May 2018 · 258
Let Me In
Autumn Lewis May 2018
Knock down the walls that hold you bound
Your heart is afraid of falling and not getting caught before it hits the ground
The only happiness you choose to feel is shallow
I want to give my world , my life , and my soul if you'll only allow
I'm afraid you won't learn how to trust
Your heart was once like a ocean filled with love and lust
Now it's just a dried dessert in a mouth full of dust
I don't really know what I'm trying to say
I guess I love you and I just wish sometimes you and me...didn't feel this way
But I know that will soon change and I don't care how long that takes even if it's when the world has no more days.
Idk
May 2018 · 217
What Am I?
Autumn Lewis May 2018
I've become someone I don't even recognize
I sometimes believed I deserved it when you would chastise
I want to be happy but in order to do that I would have to let you go
I can't tell anymore if I do things for love or if I'm just a "**"
In your eyes I'm everything corrupt in life
All I am is one huge strife
I ask you , "What do you want from me?"
I heard only yelling none of it really matters now , all I wanted to do was flee
I just want to keep running until I don't feel anything at all
Sometimes I just give up to you , you just have such great thrall
You're the one who's always supposed to love me so if you can't even do that who can?
I found someone who could and I'm proving you wrong , even though I'm a little lost right now with no plan
I'll find my way and hopefully myself , and I hope it will give you time too
I'm tired of being hurt , crying , and believing in you changing and I'm just through
This one rhymes but still same concept
Autumn Lewis May 2018
I don't want you to hate me but you do
I don't want you to leave but you did
I just want what we once had
"I'm here for you and I always will be"
"I won't give up on you , because I love you."
Now it seems I'm as meaningless as the milk you pour on your cereal
What happened to laughs and camping and telling me stories?
What happened to tickling my feet to see me smile and saying one day I'll be great and find love?
I'm replaced in your heart with
"Why aren't you as good as him?" and "I hate you , I despise you."
I just want my true dad and his love...
I guess people will just have to keep labeling me with "daddy issues"
And maybe I do have them but they won't stop until he does.
This is not like my usual poem I could have rhymed but I didn't
I just needed to release some things
May 2018 · 180
La rabbia è beatitudine
Autumn Lewis May 2018
Never have I felt true hate until you did the unforgivable
I was easy so you saw me as biddable
You were right
There was no need to fight
I tried to leave you with all my might
But I couldn't , then you hurt in ways that I can't describe
You would discard my feelings and try to make sly gibes
You thought as though I had no ears to listen
Your words were like as though I had eaten ricin
The new emotion of hate gave me a jolt of frisson
I can never be repaired you made me this way and you know it
You made me so damaged I took it out on myself , so my skin I slit
I would sneak out to meet you and walk through my house in manner quit flit
I can never take back those cold , regrettable , and horrendous nights
But maybe one day I can recover and make a wrong a right
I can't be really anymore personal in this poem about my past
May 2018 · 228
Game Over Man, Game Over
Autumn Lewis May 2018
You helped me stand but then you would push me down
You were my king but now you're a peasant with a shattered crown
I use to play trick or treat with my heart
You played me like an old Nintendo 64 from the start
You were always player one
Never satisfied when you won
Your eyes grew more desolate
I would still believe in you so I would wait...
But no longer do you have control
I have a new strong real love to dole
You're game is over
And in the end I'm the one left with closure
May 2018 · 398
Your Day
Autumn Lewis May 2018
I can't believe it's here
No more anticipation until next year
It's also hard to imagine something so wonderful could be made
And to find someone who loves me for me and stayed
I just wish I could give you more than just words
I'm your loser and you're my nerd
I love you and I hope to be at more birthdays , I hope I'm not to foreword
You mean everything to me and I hope you have a great fifteen
And as the years change so will your mien
But our love will not
And I'll never be able to express how much love , memories , and joy you have brought
I guess what I'm trying to say is cliche
But I really wish you "Happy Birthday"
To my love who is is one year older and always has been much wiser
I love you Ender Happy Birthday I'm so glad your parents created something so wonderful
May 2018 · 178
Never
Autumn Lewis May 2018
Finding myself is harder than it seems
Especially since my heart is tearing at the seams
I feel my guilt build up and then finally it comes out into streams
Streams... of tears
The chambers of my heart are made up of many different lairs
I got lost just earlier today trying to find forgiveness
I just can't control my impulsiveness
I sometimes stay trapped days at a time
My anxiety pushes me away and leaves nothing but a hallow inside filled with grime
I need you I heard in a whisper and I ignored it
I waited...I wanted it to quit
But it longer got louder as time went on
Then it ceased and was gone
Then I remembered what had brought me here in the first place
It took me back to the outside and I looked at me and knew who I was , there was no doubt not even a trace
I'm here now
And  I learned you reap what you sow
I don't know why I wrote this but in a way I do
May 2018 · 263
Triumph
Autumn Lewis May 2018
Dedication , strength , and  perseverance is what we were told
"To help create productive members of society through the youth we will mold"
They would P.T us and "smoke us" and then after that during the winter they would ask , "Are you still cold?"
I trained and kept quite most of the time
The academy help set for me a paradigm
The seconds felt like days the days then turned to months and by then it was gone
I miss the days from talking to the others or to listening to "outside music" like "Hit the Quan"
The main factor that drove me to the highest rank was proving everyone wrong
It made me ready for the uncertainty and strong
I knew I could do it and I still can I knew this all along
May 2018 · 168
If
Autumn Lewis May 2018
If
If the world ended tomorrow would you still be here today?
Would you still see the beauty in world and me in the all the dismay?
Or would cave in the pressure of doomsday?
If I had to choose I would only have you even as the ground collapsed beneath my feet
I wouldn't care about the fate I would soon meet
The blaze could tear away my flesh and you would watch me deplete
But it would be worth it just be with you as the world ends
I would do my best to to protect you and to fend
Don't cry I just want to see one last smile and hear one more laugh
Just one more touch from you as I become raff
Goodbye is not what I want hear , instead say until I see you next
I wonder why in the end nothing seems perplexed
The end it's a metaphor for something else
May 2018 · 280
You'll Never Be Alone
Autumn Lewis May 2018
I will be here you need not to fear
I always will be my dear
To keep you close and hold you near
We will both have this burden to bear
You won't ever have to go through this alone
You'll never again have be on your own
It's like our fates have always knowm
To you <3
May 2018 · 160
You Set Me Free
Autumn Lewis May 2018
Never have I not been trapped in the prison of my mind
Then I was set free and your heart and mine entwined
It was like the sun setting in the earth to make the beautiful colors perfectly combined
The first time I looked into your eyes I saw your potential , I saw you
It startled me so I withdrew
I was afraid of being hurt and your rejection
Then I realized your affection and perfection
I don't need mirrors because you're my reflection
I see the better half of me and one of the best connections
The first kiss sent shivers down my core to my hallowed and distanced heart
Now I can't even imagine being apart
If I could I would restart
Only to tell you what I couldn't then
I know our journey is about to begin
And I can't wait
You will always be my love , my life , and my fate
To my love I hope to always have and the best person/boyfriend Ender Prometheus Royalty
May 2018 · 237
Dad
Autumn Lewis May 2018
Dad
You took me in your arms and feel in love
You thought I was a gift from heavens above
I grew and you told me the stories of your life
Then the stress got to your heart and you and mom began to strife
You gave me smiles that will last
I don't really consider the memories past
I now hold on to them and I won't let go
Then she left with my sister and we all felt woe  
I couldn't understand why but now I know
You always told me , "I'm doing the best I can."
I use to believe you and I still sometimes do put you can't ever decide a plan
As time went on we began to drift and no longer can we even talk without yelling
The main issue is our past which we are always dwelling
I wish I could heal you
I wish I could heal me
I wish we didn't have this after all we've been through
I do love you and I do want to be here
But we are too different I fear
For the people with dad's you love but you don't know what to do
May 2018 · 200
Paper Mache Faces
Autumn Lewis May 2018
All the people that surround me that suffocate my insecurities  
None of them with new faces just worn and weathered obscurities
Just to notice that I'm here is to much for them to bare
They point and judge and leave no one to spare
I can't wear the mask they put on me
I took off the shackles now I'm free

No longer will the past taught my mind
I see now without blinders but with this I see the genuine people are scarce to find
I hope you will not be afraid because I'm not
To everyone who sees through the facade others put on
Apr 2018 · 301
Allein und gefangen
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
Hurt , alone , and taken away
I had no say
I only had them , the gray walls
The prison in my mind , I try to take my time so I could stall
Maybe if I close my eyes and blink , I'll be home again.
Suddenly I'm surrounded by a group of people in a circle and a shrink is asking me , "When?"
When did my life take a turn for the worst?
I stare into silence because I'm afraid if I talk my tears will burst.
I can't control anything at all
I've been here the remaining of the summer and most of the fall.
The drama did not dissipate
It only allowed in more hate.
No one is to be trusted that lesson was will learned.
I wish I had the smiles of the one's I loved and the smell of fresh cut grass oh how I yearned
Hope is what drove me like a well oiled machine.
I would do what they told me to , whether it was to stay in step or to clean.
I couldn't ever have imagined the feeling of freedom I once had and how different it is to be gone.
I'll never take for granted the ability to talk to my family , to wear what I choose , or the beautiful colors the sun creates at dawn.
In the end I did what I had to
I just wish you only knew.
This is my feelings from being sent away and now.
Apr 2018 · 296
Amo il mio goober
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
I love the one who makes me laugh for no reason
I love the one I've made it through all the seasons
I love the curve of his smile and the way his eyes grow when he sees me
I love the one who took the bitter out of my heart and replaced it with glee

I will never forget the touch of his skin for the first time
I will never forget the hours we spent on my back porch listening to the wind chimes
I will never forget the everlasting kiss that sealed our fate
I will never forget the words that took away my breath , "Would you want to date?"

I will never forget and always love the one
To my perfect boyfriend and mate I hope forever <3
Apr 2018 · 219
Let Me Be Me
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
Let me be me
It doesn't matter if I'm weird or normal
Straight or gay
Pretty or ugly
I don't need your judgement because I already judge myself
The labels I have I own and wear and if you try to put them on me I'll tear them off
Because I am me so l will be me
For every one judged which is EVERYONE
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
I love him why won't he believe me?
I kiss him why doesn't he feel it
I hold him closer than anyone yet he can't feel my touch
I trust him with everything in me but he still feels he can't feel the same
There is no one else that can give the same love sick feeling I have when he leaves me
There is no one who I tell what they are feeling just through a message or the way they are talking but him
There is no one who can give me the one true love I felt and meet that night
His heart has no bounds he forgives me even when I have said terrible things and hurt him
I feel like I don't deserve something so precious, vital , and perfect
So why can't I make him believe me?
I hope this will and whenever he feels this way he listens to the words the way I listen to every perfect sentence he says to me as we lay next to each other.
I love you so much
Apr 2018 · 173
My Grandma
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
Like the snowball first thrown in the bitter chilled winter days
Is the same as my grandma opening her eyes for the first time and in her mother's arms she lays.
Later as the years pass and love blossoms in her heart
My grandmother's life with her own family is about to start
Now she is like the first snowman built standing ready to guard her home
To stay there to protect and never to roam
But as time sweeps by so does her appearance she begins to melt
The meteorologist say it won't snow anytime soon and day by day she will alter  
They try to give her more pills to delay her death but they try to conceal it with their palter
Soon my snowman will just be another puddle licked up the earth
But I will always remember my snowman's worth
I love my grandma I just wish she didn't have to melt
Apr 2018 · 192
Caché aux aveugles
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
She wears a cloak to hide
Only she evades the blind
I and others see her weaseling about
She feeds them false truths with her clout  
They can't see past the facade and the apparition
They can't fathom her true mission

She slithers her words through one ear and bites with a vipers teeth in another
All she wants is to cause a pother
In the end the blind will always fall for her until they take off their blinds
They don't have the courage to break free and use their minds
So they will stay bond
To them she will always remain abscond
This is happening
Apr 2018 · 164
Broke
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
I feel every time I get judged and ridiculed I break a little more
How much can I endure?... Until I am broke
Even though before I have been the one to provoke
Sometimes I know that I am broken but he makes me repaired
I just feel as though I will lose him and I'll go back to being alone and scared
Please forgive I chant at him I'm so afraid I'll push him away and he'll escape from me in a whim.
So far he has decided to stay
But how much longer can I keep my feelings of being broken at bay?
I feel this
Apr 2018 · 207
I need help
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
I looked down at feet and thought where will they take me?
Will this be the last sunset I see or the last tree I will climb? Will anyone hear my plea?
I don't really want this fate
I just have do something with this hate someone to tell me wait...
I need you to stay
I don't see any color all around me is grey
Do see me or my pain?
Life gets hard to take when you have nothing to gain
I close my eyes and the people around me evaporate as if they were all along shadows in the dark pit of my heart
How do I know if this is the end if I don't even remember the start?
I'm not sad or suicidal I have felt it before I just made this because I know most of us can relate.
Apr 2018 · 228
Dañado artificialmente
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
She breathes in carbonated air
Only to feel something , anything
As it stings lingering in her lungs
How much more can she bare?

The tears that stream down her starched skin are for the facade
She cares for no one but herself
Her shell slowly cracks to reveal a hollow interior
She will never admit she is damaged and flawed

Will she ever be freed from the superficial and cruel body?
She hurts others so she won't harm herself
She knows that she is atrocious
Does she still neeed my approval? She wants to be gaudy
This is for you
You know who you are
Apr 2018 · 183
Accident
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
I wish I had never gotten in the accident
I just lost control and crashed
I was into much of a rush

The speed never fazed me I didn't once flentch
The parts that impaled into my heart didn't harm me
I just wanted to escape and flee

My reality was skewed and vision blurred
If I only knew what his true intentions were
I wish I could go back and that the accident never occurred.
This is for all the people who have been in a mistake or terrible situation with an ex friend/ boyfriend/ girlfriend and wished it never happened.
Apr 2018 · 127
My Love and Only
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
Your embrace makes my being lift.
When this occurs my heart and brain adrift.
As though they are two desolate currents.
Lorelei is your depiction , you're enchantment wields me to your control.
I have no choice but to be thole.
But this is the path I choose , you have no imperfection , I wouldn't gaze upon you if you weren't.
You contain a certain amiability
You possess gentility and stability that makes me undergo a sense of tranquility.
Never have I seen someone as you , who can stand brazen after all you've been through.
I just have a aspiration that the world also would see what I do.
But I'm afraid they may go blind because you're so bright.
I hope you liked my plight.
Dedicated to my only love Ender

— The End —