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Jul 2019 · 177
alone tonight
Autumn Jul 2019
hands wrinkled and pruned
from ****** city water
the **** labeled blue "C"
tweaked all around

no red warmth

tonight I hold myself
contortion my arms and legs
until I'm small enough to fade
into the corner of the bed

no human skin

imaginary monsters hissing
hibernating over five years
they want to come out again
sink their teeth into my brain

no reliable breath

my pathetic veins stay blue
squeezing my cold body for safety
to no avail, my lungs remain stretched
about to rip down the middle
Jan 2019 · 74
Broken Phoenix
Autumn Jan 2019
Our innocence is forgotten.
It becomes smoke and rises
away from us, away from reality

A different reality is unearthed
from dread and self hate.
It bleeds into us like acid

No longer are we humming crushes’ names

Or passing simple “check yes or no” notes

Or swimming as mermaids in backyard pools

We are drugged up mental patients
We are flesh lights that cry silently
We are reborn into ash under feet.
Everyone is going through **** and no one is happy
Jan 2019 · 480
Something about Airports
Autumn Jan 2019
Something funny about airports
My childhood
Teenage independence
Young Adulthood

Two hours
I said goodbye to you
One week from now

I’ll see you again

But airports are funny
My body thinks I’m leaving you
Until next summer
My body’s been conditioned

To believe goodbye means indefinitely

I know you may not get it
And that’s okay
Please don’t think I’m being clingy
When I say “I’ll miss you”

The fiftieth time

It’s just a Proustian moment
juicy mint chewing gum
with crackling eardrums
Sends me back in time

To that funny thing about airports

Where hellos are met with goodbyes

Impatiently, I wait

When the goodbye is met with hello
Oct 2018 · 313
Harry
Autumn Oct 2018
I'm crashing again
into a new person
for a better love

Discrepancies in timing
Are we meant to be now?
or is this another wrong day

New love is steel blocks on your chest
precariously balanced
between heaved breathing

and a pierced heart

while wings flutter in your belly
and ghosts of heartbreak past
play home movies only you can see

I like him.

He likes me.

We're about to trip into a beautiful oblivion
Mar 2018 · 204
Dishes at Work
Autumn Mar 2018
When I arrive to work
My breath doesn't reach
the fullness of my lungs

My focus zooms on the board
"Harry" I search for in marker
next to a time stamp

Will you be here today?
I can't decide if I want to see you
If you'll break my emotional wall

Or snap my butterflies back to life,
setting fire to my cheeks
and earthquakes to my stomach

Minutes go by. Really, hours.
My body is turned for dishes
My mind is on you

"Next on Five!" A ripple down my arms
Through my fingers into water
I want to turn, but rules

[don't show too much interest]

[wait three days to text him]

[intensity scares him, don't show how you really feel]

[don't act crazy]

"Next on Five!" My neck receives a thought
before it reached my brain
His stupid dorky smile

I look at him
willing him to look at me
I feel butterflies starting fires
a work affair. am I crazy or do I always love intensely? Which is worse?
Mar 2018 · 98
I'd Share
Autumn Mar 2018
"I hope you're doing okay"
Is all I want to say
I won't ask questions
Just send you videos of kittens

Because your smile is a sunrise
And when I see the flecks in your eyes
I get high. Is that selfish?
Probably

I hope you let yourself feel something
other than steel
Because I care for the full heart that's beating
under your warm metal skin

I hope you let me trust you
Because I do
I want to show you the dark that holds hands
with my light

I struggle, like you, like most
but you weaken my anxiety
Your laugh hugs my sadness
and caresses my bones with more light

Please, don't be afraid of me
Know that you can trust me
with the stormy nights
and fallen trees in your forest

Let me hug your sadness
caress your bones with light
I don't have much to spare
but for you, I'd share
I know you're struggling, but please know you don't have to hide it from me
Mar 2018 · 83
Yet Another Lonely Night
Autumn Mar 2018
Is it crazy to want to be near him?
To want to touch and feel
Him?

Am I a wet blanket?
Do I exude desperation
Enough toxic pollution
To keep you a planet away?

Effort becomes useless
No, forever it has been so
Clouds gloss over it until
The descent into embarrassment

Falling past mourning the night
Plummeting through “Why did I think he’d want to?”
Till my body parts splatter over his eyes
He still won’t know how much longing he puts me through
I just want to be near you. You make me warm
Autumn Feb 2018
I'm afraid to tell you
I'm afraid to show you

the skin beneath
the wrist up close
the bare thigh

I'm afraid that I want to tell you
I'm afraid for you to know

that every drunken night
I find myself in the bathroom stall
unsheathing my glistening release

to feel anything but lonliness
please, don't think less of me when you see my emotional history on my body
Feb 2018 · 309
palpatations
Autumn Feb 2018
a stirring of gauges and cogs
winds up a smile
I stare out a greasy bus window
moments after our fingers quietly touched
the warmth of your skin revving back to life
this long dead machine
Feb 2017 · 474
You Like A Girl
Autumn Feb 2017
Dear Self,

  Butterflies and a rushing heart beat
  you've only found in the presence of men
  now captivated by a feminine force,
  a gravitational pull toward:

  porcelain skin
  a starlet smile
  the faintest scent of essence
  hypnotist eyes that keep you still
  lips you've dreamed to kiss

  Internal struggle prevents you from acceptance.
  Just admit it.

Your closest friend,
                                   Soul

---------------

Dear Soul,

  What else is there to say?

  I'm falling for her.

Love,
          Self
Jan 2017 · 249
Fissures
Autumn Jan 2017
I didn’t think it would happen again
it slithered out of its hiding place
back into the curvature of my palm
and with it came the ****** calm

I didn’t expect myself to return
to the fetal position of decay
my soul was improving so well
for such a quick descent into hell

I didn’t know my thoughts continued
to darken my veins from blue to red
since I sought a cleaning crew to
mop up the shame thoroughly through

I didn’t want to have to hide again
to wrap and nurse and lie
this time is different, this time I take leisure
i deserve the slow, deliberate fissures
Aug 2016 · 360
Sitting in a Bathtub
Autumn Aug 2016
My emotions are a pool, draining
through the empty space between fingers
pulsating downward as solidity wavers

Death has skewed my memory
Callous disposal has mutilated me
Fear has silenced me

I watch my passion spiral
down the pond I cup in my hands
through the empty space between fingers

Numbness is approaching
as the unsoaked, dry portions of my body
repel my last drops of feeling
Jul 2016 · 489
Lace
Autumn Jul 2016
You spot the skirt of a violet dress
fervently draped of black lace
You feel a tug on your chest
You must see her face

The dance floor is a river of crashes
You force your legs to swim in
As her bodice comes into view
Her blown glass figure promises sin

You find violent black curls at her pearl shoulder
As you tread through sway, you strain for her
The music rises as you bid her to turn
While billowing skirts and fluttering tails hide her

You are about to drown and lose her
Before you see a trench formed of people
You reach and gasp as you pull through
She's real. You see the purple

Anticipation. You touch her shoulder
Her grace. She turns and catches your breath
Cranberry red lips reach for rosy cheeks
Midnight lace shadows her eyes like death

She offers her hand to you, waiting
You are entranced in her seductive lips
As you fly her to the river
You thrash into waves with her hips

You try to look through the black to see
She strains her neck from you
“No one sees my soul” she says
Disappointed, you only caught the hue

You feel her melted on your lips
Her skin a valley of nocturnal silk
Your curios hands run down her arms
Liquid. Your fingers feel warm milk

You bring your hand up to see
You look at her wrists emitting scarlet
Blood oozes up her arm, drips down her dress
The skirt flows with wine red wet

The room is empty, hazed by shadow
She drops, you hold her arms from giving
She is a crimson vortex, drowning herself
“Let me. You forget and keep on living.”

Voice of reason and acceptance
But static of pleading and reaching
She doesn’t want to die, you think.
You ease her out, the blood draining.

And now, there you two sit, painted in red
You bandage her in momentary peace
You decide to lift the heavy lace
The cosmos stare back at you in release
short story/poetry
Jun 2016 · 308
Teeth Marks
Autumn Jun 2016
the troll beneath my bed has been in hibernation,
every night, the heavy breathing assures me.

God forbid it ever awakens,
it wreaked havoc on my chest for months.

without warning, its claws would reach into my eyes,
slash down my throat, and tear apart my rib cage.

over

and over

and over

and over again

teeth marks of blush pink scar my thin wrist,
forever a reminder.

for months, I felt the weight of this troll's body,
pinning me to my soft blue foam mattress.

at one point, the fairy of my body finally released her power,
she casted a sleeping curse, for it can't be killed.

its been stagnant for a while,
allowing me to dance as loud as I please!

lately, though

the breathing has been less heavy,
I hear it wake up sometimes, but just for an instant.

the spell is wearing off

soon, I will find more teeth marks on my wrist
Mar 2016 · 639
Weeks
Autumn Mar 2016
I pulled the door open, prayed.
Hoped I wouldn't see your smile
bright and shiny behind the tile.

My breath died a moment, when I
heard my name in your voice,
my feet had to make a choice.

My eyes closed and I walked.
You small talked me,
as you stirred sugar in my coffee.

You asked about my weekend,
how Natalie's hangover faired.
My true feelings were dared.

"You want to know how I'm doing? I am
Livid.
Depressed.
Scared.
Distraught.

"I trusted you, Matt. You promised me! I BELIEVED YOU!

"Good-bye."

My eyes opened and I walked.
You small talked me,
as you stirred sugar in my coffee.

You asked about my weekend,
how Natalie's hangover faired.
My true feelings were spared.

"Thanks for the coffee."

I trusted too much.
Barricaded too late.
It's my fault.

I thought you were the exception,
but who am I to believe
any one would choose me?
He doesn't care. He lied.
Mar 2016 · 259
Dream
Autumn Mar 2016
I just want to sleep

(find a soft patch of grass
surrounded by nature
the only light coming from stars
and a big bright moon
cocoon myself in the warmest blanket
close my eyes
slow my breathing)

and dream forever.
Mar 2016 · 396
Monster
Autumn Mar 2016
I finally understand
the meaning
behind those songs.

Lyrics about
wanting
to
die.

The emotion behind
wanting
to
cut.

I am becoming
my inner
monster.

It's always been there,
dwelling deep
inside,

waiting to devour me.

It took control
of my
heart,
my mind, now
my soul.

I hear a whisper
in every cut
across my damaged
skin.

worthless

I see it
invisibly tattooed
in each cut.

In a way,
I've always
known,
chose
not to believe.

I am tired of believing the impossible.

I am worthless.
What's the point in trusting people if all they ever do is hurt you?
Feb 2016 · 439
Ultimatum
Autumn Feb 2016
my connection to words,
the string of abstract thoughts,
has been severed by the scissors of the three sisters.

one word obnoxiously grabs hold,
every day, jamming traffic in my head.
your name is the apocalypse.

I lowered my army of defense,
cleared a path to let you in,
believed your promises to me.

you lied.
Jan 2016 · 1.7k
New Years
Autumn Jan 2016
Hazy eyes under Smoke and Lights
your Blue irises centered through a Light show
me Hypnotized
restless nights Feeling the drugged memory.
with your Lips and Hands
Our sweaty Bodies with bass friction
you led me into your deep Kiss...another deep Kiss...another
I led You into a deep Kiss
the night was Forever
i could Float in it
filling space between our Fingers
not letting Go...
Nov 2015 · 511
Users
Autumn Nov 2015
I'm a bystander.
An invisible casualty.
I get caught in the wave of destruction
With no siren to warn me,
no life raft to save me.
I'm on my own.

When I drown in the tidal wave of users
I like to pretend a hand plunges for me.
I know it's a lie.
It's just me, pulling for air.
And a piece of me breaks.
Every time.
The dating scene is hard.
Aug 2015 · 238
Untitled
Autumn Aug 2015
The firm chocolate wood I called my own,
The faint scars of age and play,
The peeling yellow I called my home,
is now a foundation of stranger colors.

Each step I take is now surrounded by foreign concrete,
and I will never know it like they will.
The fingerprints of my family stain this alien maze,
but mine are still blindly inside our gutted home.

Loved voices drown out my own,
leaving me frozen with my tongue cut out.
The constant supply of degrading phrases and looks
never fail to put me in my corner of white silence.

"Outsider," whispers the halls.

I was born into a house that doesn't want to hear me.
Have I always been this insignificant?
My safety blanket of peeling yellow only masked the pain that's been infinitely boiling.
depression outsider family
Aug 2015 · 1.6k
Eyes
Autumn Aug 2015
I know you.
Your colors are lovely

They shine like December's blue snowflakes
Frost liquefies in wake
Beautiful galaxy of pigments
Spiral.
Perfectly Chaotic
Icy black holes pull me
Neverland's star dims
A phone number poem exercise (Have no fear -- this isn't an actual phone number I know).

— The End —