Starting the journey up the hill
Kicking the rocks
               out the way
Wow what a view they say
All this everything
leads
to
that
Oh this is easier I'm on the flat
Oh I didn't see that bend up ahead
where will it end
Round and round we go
           again
I feel I'm going
back                      
Heart pulsating think I'll have a heart attack
Stop wait
Breathe
deep
Remember it's not easy to look past but you couldn't not start you would stay stuck
Higher and Higher
The weight feels
        lighter                        
I can see what was
holding me with lack  
Take it in
                   shed
old skin
Refuel
there were lessons in the pack
Down
this
hill
lower
lower
should this be
heavier
and
slower        
I need to find my way
going to 'crack'
There's a cave up now I'm scared can I
turn
about
No I've taken each step
so
far
Into the
dark
black lair
I don't feel alone no more
but this isn't the company I want to greet
Tingling sense
eyes
on my feet
Creepy feelin'
But go I must
forwards
Keep
believing
Stepping towards
the
light
Our unappreciated saviors of the world reside among the clouds.
A fitting tribute to my arrival, the clouds fell to the floor.
They guided my way and kept my toes warm.
I hear the darkness festering at my heels, trying to catch my eye.
The sounds were subtle but relentless as they continued to expand.
Larger and larger they grew, proceeding to overwhelm all corners of my mind.
Stripped away from my shaking hands, I no longer hold command.
I urge my brain to ignore them but they distract me evermore.
Like the beautiful whispering of the leaves as they left their home.
Never to return, they remind me of a place where I loved to roam.
I long for a sense of where I belong.
Aimlessly wandering is exhausting beyond description.
Burning to the ground, my lover was dead amongst the dust.
My world stopped spinning.
Close your eyes and count to ten. Goodbye my little friend.
One… Three… Seven… Eight… Ten…
For as long as I will live, I will be haunted by my regrets and mistakes.
The day that I left the kingdom of peace, the glass shattered.
The clouds returned to the sky, and the world that was shared was between only my sister and I.
Originally submitted as a Ka Wai Ola submission and ultimately rejected.  
February 28, 2017
The ocean spills
on a Thursday night
congested in between these four
skinned-down, off-white walls.
You're veering into retrograde,
obsidian and spiraling,
heavy and unsettling --
a plethora of pterodactyls gnawing their way
out of you
except on days like this,
they've grown too comfortable inside
and that is worse.

Here is to nights when pain screams your name
and misses your body
too much.
Pain,
whose unmapped origins,
make you loathe yourself
and everyone else.
Pain,
like maps to places
you don't want to revisit.
Pain,
like an abandoned amusement park
consumed by tall grass,
infested with pests
and memories
the past was never too kind
to make you forget.
Flowers in their hair
Smiles on their face
Demons in their head
Drugs in their veins
Knives in their drawers
Puke in their toilet
Blood on their floor
Pain in their hearts
Storms in their souls
it hurts
to open up
and to be responded to
with nothing but
misunderstanding,
rudeness,
being told to "stop being depressed".
How will that fix me?
it hurts to open up when
opening up never gave me
anything but pain
with the people I love,
while opening up to a stranger
was the only comfort I could get.
But how can I trust a stranger,
when it feels like everyone around me
has become a stranger?
I hate you. The person who taught me a valuable lesson that I don't regret.
But now there's someone new, and I'm happier than before because I'm finally moving on from you.
Things happen for a reason it seems
windows up
walls down
in the backseat of her toyota
staring at the green fluorescent car clock
9:37
he looks over his shoulder in the passenger seat,
the boy who could breathe without inhaling
a mere party trick.
i had always wondered what it felt like to be a teen
stupid as is seems
i was sheltered once,
hidden from night rides
obscured from midnight hikes
asleep instead of the early morning mcdonald trips
my friends were more persistent on making me to eat with them
than making me exhale dancing fumes with them.
i only know the double chin grins on our snapchat stories
the rude jokes, the black ripped jeans, and snapbacks
the lime green socks that matched the stair railings
and pink sliders never looked better.
the “6:30” movies (5:30, shhh, my mom can’t know)
and the crinkling of empty water bottles in the backseat
i felt alive tonight,
even through the tough,
sushi stores and reclining movie theaters never felt more like home.
and boba stores that stay open late with neon open signs
welcome us
9:37
the “oH mY gOsH iTs a DoG” screams
the photoshoots with random men wearing fake Coach hats
the posing by wooden desks
the lights that lounge effortlessly above
encaptures our spirits and brighten them
i don’t drink, but they smoke
but tonight, beer can’t buzz us more than boba
and childish giggles escape from my wide smile.
so this is what the lullabies were about
this is what katy perry sang about
this is what i had been waiting for
to experience moments of pure awe and affection for those around me
to see them smile in slow motion when they understand a joke
or react to something
our collective experiences are understood
no words need to be ushered to empathize
as we dress like the night,
we transform into it
the stars flicker for us
the moon gives us her blessing
and the sleeping sun gives us our space
9:37
was meant for us
the clock stops
and time stretches its arms to infinity and beyond
i could live in the frozen frame of this evening
bomber jackets, jean jackets, and tattooed planets
the inside jokes, the enjoyed hoax, our future hopes
they live inside the car clock that reads, in green, 9:37
a wonderful night
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