You came to live inside my house,
crossing the threshold that does not say 'Welcome'
You made your bed,
and now you will not wake up

"When will you leave?"

But you don't hear me,
and the sun has gone away.

How many times
can i write
the exact same thing
In so many words,
before
they mean nothing
at all
The underlying message,
always the same.
I’m losing
the war inside my mind.

I had never expected roses
or the tenderness
reserved for
lovers
But I never anticipated
rough hands
that pushed and pulled,
an unwanted pain
deep inside
my body
Hot water not hot enough
to scrub your touch
away
Bruises like hickeys,
i can feel you
pushing
inside
Your hot breath in my ear
asking if I liked it
A broken yes
sounds like a moan
but I’m crying
You think it’s from ecstasy
I’m shaking,
you go faster
thinking I’m having fun
You like it
being bigger than me
being stronger
I’m afraid
your bigger
your stronger
When it was over
you told me I was lucky
“Most girls don’t ****** when they first lose their virginity”
A shaky smile, on my mascara streaked face
skin crawling, my shaking legs
near collapse
Fear
The hot water is cold

This aching
inside
it eats me
Even when there
is nothing left
It eats away at the nothingness
until I am nothing

There are no words
to describe the way I can feel
so empty
so full
In this one body
It feels like
there is no limit to it all
No limbo
Only free space
for this hole inside of me
To grow

And by making an enemy of my body,
I found true peace
In destroying it.